[kara_n]

I don't know if this is the right place or not to post this but I would really love someone to listen and help if they can.

I know people all over the world have worse problems...but I feel like I'm not in control of my life anymore.

I've been a self-injurer since I was 11 (16 now) years old. I told my mom after about 6 months, because I knew what I was doing was bad for me but I couldn't stop. Therapy didn't help. My parents thought I was crazy. And my dad even told me so repeatedly to my face, using lots of profanity. My family life can be crazy, but I'm not going to go into that... All the self-injury never stopped...

Since then, I've been diagnosed with Lupus which is hard enough on my body. My friend died when I was 14 from pneumonia which was more severe since she had HIV (long story...parents had it..got it from birth...)...4 months after she died my other friend hung himself. Then 3 months after that, my second cousin lit himself on fire..causing his own death. Now, I had another friend commit suicide a week ago.

I just feel completely empty and hollow.
I keep going through phases of feeling genuinely sad and hopeless to feeling nothing. Like, I will literally just sit in a corner. Not moving or thinking. Just sitting.

It's really sad. I'm angry all the time, and her death is just making it worse.
My mom doesn't know I still injure myself...and I've done years of hiding it...and it's just never going to stop.

I'm not trying to pity myself...I just need some reassurance that my life will be ok and that I can get somewhere. I just feel like I should let go of everything and not get out of bed.

I hate not caring, and then caring, and then not caring again.
I know all of this is a mix being a teen, depression, lupus, and death but I don't know how to cope anymore...I don't want to keep hurting myself because I know thats not the way to go...but everytime I try and stop, I only last a week at the most..

How many other people have been through this? Any help? Thanks.

[IntlSet]

Edited: sorry, you mentioned your age... I missed that part. You should probably talk to your parents about this... you sound like you need some professional help. Take care.

[bagnshoofetish]

I know you said therapy didn't help before but with any kind of counseling, it takes a long time to get to the root of the problems and a long time to heal. You can't just give up because it hasn't worked once, twice or even more times. You can't just give up, period. As long as you are drawing breath, there is a reason you are alive. Look far far down the road - you are only 16 - who's not to say that someday, when you are 28 or 35 or older, that you will not be a catalyst for someone else who may need your help someday and you will be thee most qualified person because you have been there, done that and survived, stronger and full of life. You have the potential to be someones inspiration for living. You can save a life. Concentrate on saving yours. There is a sticky at the very top of the relationships forum here. Open it up and just start calling every hotline that looks like it might help. One step can lead to another. When one counselor doesn't work, keep looking till you find one that will. It took you 16 years to get where you are now - you can't expect a quick fix for problems that took that long to cultivate.
And know this, there is suicide in my family. Devestating suicide like yours. Do not own what does not belong to you. Bless those people and let them go. Life belongs to the living and you do have a responsibility to see yours through or you would not have any kind of clarity - the fact that you reach out for help shows that you do.

[abbygirl]

Honestly, if what you said is true about your parents, then talking to them will probably not do you any good other than more resentment.

You need to find someone who you can open you heart to and find out why you wanting to hurt yourself.

It may take two or three thearpists before you find the one that you feel comfortable with, but there is ONE who can pull you through this.

See your school nurse or counselor - SOMEONE who can guide you in the right direction.

My heart goes out to you sweetie. Although I have never hurt myself, I went through major depression, and lost many friends to death from the time I was 14, probably 10 within a two year span, but seemed like one a month, for various reasons and it just crushed me. I was too young to understand how things like that could happen, (hell, I still do).

You will learn that although all the hurt you are going through now, will only make you a stronger person as you get older and can handle problems without wanting to hurt yourself.

Please seek the help you need NOW. You can look in the phonebook and find a hotline that can also guide you.

I wish you much luck and please keep us posted.

[illinirdhd]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing all of this pain at such a young age.

Like you, I had to deal with loved ones' deaths way too young. As much as it hurts, you'll get better at coping. And you're learn that sometimes bad things happen, but it's never the end of the world. As long as you are breathing, things can and will get better.

I have never been a self-injurer (I don't know if this happened much when I was young - maybe it just wasn't talked about). I can't promise you that what you're going through will become easier to accept, or that you'll ever understand the suicides and tragedies you've already experienced. But I CAN tell you that life will get better for you. I CAN tell you that your future husband is waiting for you to grow up and meet him. Your future children are waiting to be born and loved by you. Your future education and career are just waiting for you to get there. Some other young girl is waiting for you to pull through all this so you can help save her life. You just have to hold on like hell to the good stuff in life, and pray for the strength to survive the bad stuff.

I read on tPF a while back that when you feel like you're at the end of your rope, you've got to tie a knot and hold on tight. I love that, and it's so true.

Please know that, from the bottom of my heart, I believe that your life is worth living. And it's worth getting help. So therapy didn't work before. Maybe you had a crappy therapist. Maybe he/she just wasn't someone who could connect with you the way you needed to. Find a new one. Talk to a teacher or counselor. Or talk to one of us here. You can PM most any of us any time you need someone to listen or to send prayers and good thoughts your way.

Big hugs. Hang in there.

[amber11]

i know therapy may seem hopeless to you but you must try again, sometimes it can take years to start feeling better... and it sounds to me that unfortunatly you may have to do this on your own since your parents are not very attentive...deaths can send you reeling into depression and the fact that you've experience what was it 3? this is completely understandable- but still you can't give up on yourself your just gonna have to focus on getting better day by day (with a therapist)!

[oo0ehxtahcee0oo]

im sorry you are going through all this. ive been in similar situations and felt like no one was there for me. in fact, two days ago i felt soooo alone and depressed. i felt like i literally had no one to lean on.

but remember, things do get better. eventually.

[PinkSuadeSoho]

You have some great advice here. All I can add is please get help. Your life can and will turn around for the best! I PROMISE! Reach out to those that are trained to help you back on the right path. Look at this as something you will BEAT! You're strong, wonderful, important, special, helpful, among many other things. Don't abuse yourself, seek the right treatment for you. You can DO IT!

[shallow-ish]

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

I know you said therapy didn't help before but with any kind of counseling, it takes a long time to get to the root of the problems and a long time to heal. You can't just give up because it hasn't worked once, twice or even more times. You can't just give up, period.

Therapy is such a personal experience that it doesn't necessarily work with the first psychologist/psychiatrist you go to. It also certainly won't work immediately. There are many different types of therapy and so if you find that you don't like one therapist's methods after a few sessions, move on. If you are able to try out several different people, absolutely go for it. Once you find someone whose methods work for you, it will still be a long process to heal - but you will be on your way. It is nice to have a close support system (family, friends), but personally I find that it is even better to have an impartial person who can listen to everything you have been through and not be judgmental about it and who can ultimately help you work through it.

If you can't go to psychologists/psychiatrists, go to a school counselor. If your school has more than one, try talking to each one and see if that is helpful.

Reaching out is very important and your post shows that you are willing to do that. Persevere at life and things will turn out right.

[bellapsyd]

I don 't know if this has been mentioned or not, but you can seeks support groups. Support for survivors of suicide victims, support groups for self-injury,etc. Your local hospital should have contacts to these groups for you.

[Zophie]

You have lost a lot of people very close to you at such a young age. That in itself is devastating. I know you said you have been to therapy, but please reach out for help. It is an ongoing process and if you are still self injuring then it would definitely benefit you to seek some help. I used to cut myself when I was in high school. I'm 36 now. I can tell you it DOES get better and that therapy can help you. And I think support groups are a very good idea too.

[ilovepinkhearts]

im not trying to be a pill pusher, but you might need some meds to help balance the hormones and to help you be able to cope better. are you taking anything now? and you def. need to get some therapy for all the deaths that you have had in your life. also you need a therapist or a psychologist/psychiatrist to talk to and some one to help you get past all your problems. you are so young, you need to be enjoying life. im sorry that you are going through this, remember that you are worth whatever it takes for you to feel better

[boxermom]

I'm so sorry you feel so hopeless. Please try to find another therapist with experience in this field. You may need some medication for the depression. These issues develop over time and take a long time to treat. It takes patience. when you find a therapist he or she may know of a support group you could attend so you don't feel so alone.

Best wishes.

[VPT]

Hmm being a victim of depression myself for the last 2 decades all I can ask is what do you want to achieve from this - a listening ear or a chance to be happy again? If the former there is no cure, when I was depressed I refused counseling, refused to socialize because I had very low self esteem, and ended up even more depressed. Lupus aside (my aunt died at 16 from it, I never got to meet her), anything can spark depression you can be totally healthy and still be unhappy.

If you want a listening ear you may have it for a while, but from my experience that's how I lost most friends, they got tired of listening to me and I kept slipping deeper into spirals of depression. I hope you don't reach that stage where all friends have alienate d you. I didn't realize till few years ago that people generally want to live happy, they don't want to mingle with chronically depressed people.

If you want to get out of depression, try finding what the root of your depression is, what is it that is making you upset and losing hope? Once you find the answer (can take months to reveal), try to come up with a solution, if you can't, then this stage counseling will help. The reason can be small and seems embarrassing like "I need to have a boyfriend" or "I need more money" or "I need to get out of this debt". PM me once you have found it, we can work something out.

[UK2ME]

Sent you a PM