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tokikat8 · Nov 2nd, 2009, 09:11 AM

Please no judging here- I just need some positive advice.

I was just wondering if anyone else was depressed and struggling to be in a relationship, and what worked for you?

I am currently on two different meds for my depression. One side effect of depression is that I have lost alot of the interests that I once had. I try to get back into my interests (reading, art, shopping, animals anything) but I usually feel like its too much work, and I would rather sleep. My friendships are slowly dying as well because I just don't have the energy to be a fun, enthusiastic interesting person.

Anyway-- this is causing me to be very emotionally needy towards my boyfriend. When I feel down, I keep looking to him for comfort. When Im lonely, I want him to be there and hold me. We have had some problems recently (I posted about it before), because he is going in a very different direction in life (he wants to be independent and experience all sorts of new things-- including moving away and living on his own). I have tried to make more friends, spend time with them, explore my own interests... but its leaving me unfulfilled. I just want him to be there for me, with unconditional love. I want him to want to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with him, and I want him to want to be with me forever (as I do him). I don't think I can handle a long distance relationship-- and even though he says how much he loves me and that Im his best friend, It still never feels like its enough. I feel so emotionally needy....

I don't know what to do-- I'm afraid of suffocating him and loosing him, but I am miserable without his attention. Before I was diagnosed with depression, I was a very independent woman! Relationships were fun, but never something I couldn't move on from. I was funny, interesting, enjoyed spending time with friends, and just by myself. This is killing me- He makes me so happy and I love him so much, but at the same time it makes me miserable because Im unhappy when he does not feel like spending time with me and because I have no idea where we are going....

Thanks girls :/

BagLadie · Nov 2nd, 2009, 09:25 AM

You are going to lose him completely if you keep this up. But I do understand the desire to want only to be with him and wanting him to comfort you when you're depressed. I have no advice since it seems you understand what you're doing. Maybe that's the first step. Don't hold him back from doing what he wants to do. He will only resent you for that later. Long distance relationships are very hard, but you can't force him to stay, nor would you really want to?
He says he loves you - he says you're his best friend - so why are you doubting him?

keya · Nov 2nd, 2009, 09:26 AM

For the relationship to work, it important to give your partner space to be by himself and persue his interests and be with his friends. It doesn't mean that he loves you any less, it just means that he needs a life beyond your relationship. It perfectly natural, everyone needs interests of their own, and the freedom to persue them. Honestly, it sounds to me like you're still depressed in spite of the meds. Have you considered going off them, and trying alternative methods to battle your depression? Apparently, regular exercise can help just as much as traditional meds, and combined with therapy it could be an option worth exploring. If you feel that the meds help I wouldn't recommend going off them, though, but as long as they have a negative impact on your relationship you'd might want to discuss other options with your dr.

juneping · Nov 2nd, 2009, 09:45 AM

i am sorry about your depression.

for now, i would focus on treating your depression and go back to your old self. sounds like you and your bf are still young. i wouldn't hold him back just b/c you feel you can't live without him. focus on yourself first and the rest will fall into places.
force yourself to go out w/ friends and may be exercise. i think i read it somewhere exercise can produce some kind of happy hormone which can balance your depression.
wish you the best!!

boxermom · Nov 2nd, 2009, 09:59 AM

^^^I agree with this. Your priority is to work with your doctor on treating your depression. Depending on how long you have been taking meds, it can take some trial and error to get the correct dosage and even trying different brands. When they start to work you should feel more motivation and interest in outside things.

It's not easy, but it's do-able. Good luck.

mellecyn · Nov 2nd, 2009, 10:21 AM

I am sorry about your depression.
I was also diagnosed with a depression 3 years ago.
I got into therapy and medication. I completely understand your feelings of being emotionally needy and unbalanced...and not find any interest into the activities you once enjoyed.
Some friends turn away from you, bc you´re no fun to be around...BUT there are a few who will stick around no matter what and the others, well you can only see them on your good days. Also, try to go out and socialize, even if you take a back seat.
Concerning your BF, he might want to go to therapy with you or read 1 or 2 books on the subject of depression bc our closest persons don´t know how to help and really do feel useless around a person suffering from depression.
You said you tried making new friends and such, great ! It´s not easy, but the right direction. You´ll survive long distance. Maybe it is for the best, it´s dangerous in the long run to put yourself hanging on just 1 person...(unless it´s your Mother). You need to diversify your support network.
I had a break up in the middle of my depression. I had lost my companion, and couldn´t turn to my parents...so I turned to friends. A few let me down, but a few sticked around and were, still are, incredibly patient and supportive. Even in the middle of a depression you have some qualities people appreciate.
Yes suddenly you lose the fun, yes you always complain and view everything negatively. But it should be temporary...It´s important to have people expect things from you, you need to go to the gym, eat well, vitamins, therapy and medication if needed, don´t forget to reward yourself with any progression you make and don´t feel guilty.

olialm1 · Nov 2nd, 2009, 10:49 AM

Honestly, if I were your boyfriend I would run in the opposite direction. I didn't say that to be mean, but you are very lucky to have someone stay by your side when you are going through something like this. Most people can't handle sensitive issues like this, so if you want to make things better I think you should give him some space and focus on getting better. You should also talk to your doctor about trying a different brand of medication. Are you in therapy? I'm not depressed but I've been in a 'rut' before and the only way I felt better was by getting back on my feet and forcing myself into social situations in order to get back into the swing of things. Maybe you could start small and slow and go do something fun once a week so you don't get overwhelmed?

Feel better.

shanam · Nov 2nd, 2009, 10:50 AM

Originally Posted by boxermom

^^^I agree with this. Your priority is to work with your doctor on treating your depression. Depending on how long you have been taking meds, it can take some trial and error to get the correct dosage and even trying different brands. When they start to work you should feel more motivation and interest in outside things.

It's not easy, but it's do-able. Good luck.

Very true. Have you talked to your doc about the side effects? It's important that you do and are you having therapy sessions to talk this out?

bagnshoofetish · Nov 2nd, 2009, 10:56 AM

Originally Posted by tokikat8

I don't know what to do-- I'm afraid of suffocating him and loosing him, but I am miserable without his attention.

well babe you will push him away if you continue making him your emotional crutch. its just not fair to him. if you really love him, you would never want to make him uncomfortable or feel suffocated. its like you are using him as an additional med. so, that said, maybe you need to try different meds. depression is a tricky thing to treat (married to a manic depressant) and often the patient needs to try different meds and or different combos of meds. then it takes weeks to see what the difference is if any. you have an illness that is treatable but you have to be your own strongest supporter. trust me, if he sees you working hard on yourself, he probably will become more of a cheerleader but right now, you are not really giving him a choice of how and when he supports you - he probably feels forced to be compassionate and then that makes him feel like a heel for not being what you want him to be. remember, it took years to reach this point of depression in your life and it could take years to find the right treatment for you. stop transferring your anxiety onto your bf and find other ways to exert that energy like starting a workout program. my husband says when he is working out, he almost feels like he doesn't need his meds anymore (but he isn't stupid, he keeps taking them!) good luck to you. there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

shanam · Nov 2nd, 2009, 10:57 AM

Originally Posted by boxermom

^^^I agree with this. Your priority is to work with your doctor on treating your depression. Depending on how long you have been taking meds, it can take some trial and error to get the correct dosage and even trying different brands. When they start to work you should feel more motivation and interest in outside things.

It's not easy, but it's do-able. Good luck.

Very true. Have you talked to your doc about the side effects? It's important that you do and are you having therapy sessions to talk this out?

tokikat8 · Nov 2nd, 2009, 12:00 PM

Thanks for all the responses already .... I am working with my doctor on getting the right meds- and due to complications, I am not/cannot seeing a therapist anymore.

I agree with you guys-- I can't suffocate him or I will only push him away.
I am giving him plenty of space- my big complaint is that we spend one day doing our own thing and Im thinking of him, and feeling like hes been gone forever.
It sucks to feel this way. I know I can't make him want to live close to me- but I don't know if I could last far away.
I hate feeling love sick about a person who is acting normal and loves me!! Its ridiculous and sucks! lol.

mellecyn-- are you recovered now? What helped you out the most?

exercise doesnt seem to make a difference with me :(

ilovepinkhearts · Nov 2nd, 2009, 01:55 PM

i just wanted to say that i am so sorry you are going through this. my mom suffers from severe depression along with other illnesses. you need to really talk about all the side effects with your doctor and let them know that all you want to do is sleep...to me that doesn't sound like those particular meds are working for you. your life is slipping away from you and you can't be bothered to try to stop it.

you have to give your guy some space, suffocating will only push him away. has your doctor talked with you about being codependent? if not bring that up with them the next time you see them.

Willie7027 · Nov 2nd, 2009, 02:07 PM

What ever you do, do NOT decide to stop taking your meds all at once and without your doctor's guidance. Many anti-depression drugs must be weaned off slowly or you could have severe side effects.

There are a number of meds for depression. If the one you're on doesn't work, you may have to try another. I know how difficult that can be because you have to try different dosages, wait to see if it will work, then maybe try a different drug. I know how frustrating it is. Hang in there. There's a treatment plan for you that will work, you just need to find it.

boxermom · Nov 2nd, 2009, 04:11 PM

When you are feeling depressed, it's so frustrating to be feeling and acting in a way that you know logically isn't good for you or your SO/family/friends, but you simply can't act differently. I've been there. My sister says she understands depression, but she doesn't really--she thinks if you want to feel better, just exert your will power. Will power is useless in the face of depression.

Is there anyone you can talk to about this? If you are a student, is there a counseling service? If you attend a church, is there a minister/pastor/priest/rabbi you can speak to? It might help you to not focus your emotional needs right now exclusively on your bf.

If you can hang in there till an effective treatment for you is found, you will feel better, more energetic, happier, and motivated. When that time comes, keep taking the meds. As others have said, it's so easy to convince ourselves we don't need the medicine anymore--we think we're cured. No we're not, we need to manage and monitor, just as if we had diabetes.

DesigningStyle · Nov 2nd, 2009, 10:33 PM

Oh sweetie, my heart goes out to you. boxermom hit the nail on the head, "Will power is useless in the face of depression." Your boyfriend should be your last concern--you are your first concern. Focus on you and getting yourself better.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Nov 2nd, 2009, 09:11 AM	#1
tokikat8 OP Member Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 102	Depression and being emotionally needy Please no judging here- I just need some positive advice. I was just wondering if anyone else was depressed and struggling to be in a relationship, and what worked for you? I am currently on two different meds for my depression. One side effect of depression is that I have lost alot of the interests that I once had. I try to get back into my interests (reading, art, shopping, animals anything) but I usually feel like its too much work, and I would rather sleep. My friendships are slowly dying as well because I just don't have the energy to be a fun, enthusiastic interesting person. Anyway-- this is causing me to be very emotionally needy towards my boyfriend. When I feel down, I keep looking to him for comfort. When Im lonely, I want him to be there and hold me. We have had some problems recently (I posted about it before), because he is going in a very different direction in life (he wants to be independent and experience all sorts of new things-- including moving away and living on his own). I have tried to make more friends, spend time with them, explore my own interests... but its leaving me unfulfilled. I just want him to be there for me, with unconditional love. I want him to want to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with him, and I want him to want to be with me forever (as I do him). I don't think I can handle a long distance relationship-- and even though he says how much he loves me and that Im his best friend, It still never feels like its enough. I feel so emotionally needy.... I don't know what to do-- I'm afraid of suffocating him and loosing him, but I am miserable without his attention. Before I was diagnosed with depression, I was a very independent woman! Relationships were fun, but never something I couldn't move on from. I was funny, interesting, enjoyed spending time with friends, and just by myself. This is killing me- He makes me so happy and I love him so much, but at the same time it makes me miserable because Im unhappy when he does not feel like spending time with me and because I have no idea where we are going.... Thanks girls :/
tokikat8 OP Member Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 102

Nov 2nd, 2009, 09:25 AM	#2
BagLadie Got a handle on it Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 7,002	You are going to lose him completely if you keep this up. But I do understand the desire to want only to be with him and wanting him to comfort you when you're depressed. I have no advice since it seems you understand what you're doing. Maybe that's the first step. Don't hold him back from doing what he wants to do. He will only resent you for that later. Long distance relationships are very hard, but you can't force him to stay, nor would you really want to? He says he loves you - he says you're his best friend - so why are you doubting him?
	__________________ If life hands you lemons, make a vodka and lemonade. Then use the rest on your elbows.

Nov 2nd, 2009, 09:26 AM	#3
keya Member Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 3,906	For the relationship to work, it important to give your partner space to be by himself and persue his interests and be with his friends. It doesn't mean that he loves you any less, it just means that he needs a life beyond your relationship. It perfectly natural, everyone needs interests of their own, and the freedom to persue them. Honestly, it sounds to me like you're still depressed in spite of the meds. Have you considered going off them, and trying alternative methods to battle your depression? Apparently, regular exercise can help just as much as traditional meds, and combined with therapy it could be an option worth exploring. If you feel that the meds help I wouldn't recommend going off them, though, but as long as they have a negative impact on your relationship you'd might want to discuss other options with your dr.
keya Member Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 3,906	__________________ No more shoes for me this year. Checking in to CCLO as of right now

Nov 2nd, 2009, 09:45 AM	#4
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,327	i am sorry about your depression. for now, i would focus on treating your depression and go back to your old self. sounds like you and your bf are still young. i wouldn't hold him back just b/c you feel you can't live without him. focus on yourself first and the rest will fall into places. force yourself to go out w/ friends and may be exercise. i think i read it somewhere exercise can produce some kind of happy hormone which can balance your depression. wish you the best!!
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Nov 2nd, 2009, 10:21 AM	#6
mellecyn Just a minute ! Joined: Feb 2006 Location: In a bag Posts: 3,110	I am sorry about your depression. I was also diagnosed with a depression 3 years ago. I got into therapy and medication. I completely understand your feelings of being emotionally needy and unbalanced...and not find any interest into the activities you once enjoyed. Some friends turn away from you, bc you´re no fun to be around...BUT there are a few who will stick around no matter what and the others, well you can only see them on your good days. Also, try to go out and socialize, even if you take a back seat. Concerning your BF, he might want to go to therapy with you or read 1 or 2 books on the subject of depression bc our closest persons don´t know how to help and really do feel useless around a person suffering from depression. You said you tried making new friends and such, great ! It´s not easy, but the right direction. You´ll survive long distance. Maybe it is for the best, it´s dangerous in the long run to put yourself hanging on just 1 person...(unless it´s your Mother). You need to diversify your support network. I had a break up in the middle of my depression. I had lost my companion, and couldn´t turn to my parents...so I turned to friends. A few let me down, but a few sticked around and were, still are, incredibly patient and supportive. Even in the middle of a depression you have some qualities people appreciate. Yes suddenly you lose the fun, yes you always complain and view everything negatively. But it should be temporary...It´s important to have people expect things from you, you need to go to the gym, eat well, vitamins, therapy and medication if needed, don´t forget to reward yourself with any progression you make and don´t feel guilty.
	__________________ "Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience" Victoria Holt

Nov 2nd, 2009, 09:59 AM	#5
boxermom Member Joined: Aug 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 13,685	^^^I agree with this. Your priority is to work with your doctor on treating your depression. Depending on how long you have been taking meds, it can take some trial and error to get the correct dosage and even trying different brands. When they start to work you should feel more motivation and interest in outside things. It's not easy, but it's do-able. Good luck.

Nov 2nd, 2009, 10:49 AM	#7
olialm1 windy city Joined: Dec 2008 Location: Chicago Posts: 1,544	Honestly, if I were your boyfriend I would run in the opposite direction. I didn't say that to be mean, but you are very lucky to have someone stay by your side when you are going through something like this. Most people can't handle sensitive issues like this, so if you want to make things better I think you should give him some space and focus on getting better. You should also talk to your doctor about trying a different brand of medication. Are you in therapy? I'm not depressed but I've been in a 'rut' before and the only way I felt better was by getting back on my feet and forcing myself into social situations in order to get back into the swing of things. Maybe you could start small and slow and go do something fun once a week so you don't get overwhelmed? Feel better.
	__________________ make a difference! free rice

Nov 2nd, 2009, 12:00 PM	#11
tokikat8 OP Member Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 102	Thanks for all the responses already .... I am working with my doctor on getting the right meds- and due to complications, I am not/cannot seeing a therapist anymore. I agree with you guys-- I can't suffocate him or I will only push him away. I am giving him plenty of space- my big complaint is that we spend one day doing our own thing and Im thinking of him, and feeling like hes been gone forever. It sucks to feel this way. I know I can't make him want to live close to me- but I don't know if I could last far away. I hate feeling love sick about a person who is acting normal and loves me!! Its ridiculous and sucks! lol. mellecyn-- are you recovered now? What helped you out the most? exercise doesnt seem to make a difference with me :(
tokikat8 OP Member Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 102

Nov 2nd, 2009, 01:55 PM	#12
ilovepinkhearts team edward. always. Joined: Dec 2007 Location: Texas Posts: 4,390	i just wanted to say that i am so sorry you are going through this. my mom suffers from severe depression along with other illnesses. you need to really talk about all the side effects with your doctor and let them know that all you want to do is sleep...to me that doesn't sound like those particular meds are working for you. your life is slipping away from you and you can't be bothered to try to stop it. you have to give your guy some space, suffocating will only push him away. has your doctor talked with you about being codependent? if not bring that up with them the next time you see them.
	__________________ Please educate yourself about pancreatic cancer, and then share that knowledge with a loved one. http://www.pancan.org i will lose the weight...1 lb at a time!! i CAN do it! i'm not sure how many lbs to go - skinny jeans here i come!!

Nov 2nd, 2009, 02:07 PM	#13
Willie7027 Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 180	What ever you do, do NOT decide to stop taking your meds all at once and without your doctor's guidance. Many anti-depression drugs must be weaned off slowly or you could have severe side effects. There are a number of meds for depression. If the one you're on doesn't work, you may have to try another. I know how difficult that can be because you have to try different dosages, wait to see if it will work, then maybe try a different drug. I know how frustrating it is. Hang in there. There's a treatment plan for you that will work, you just need to find it.
Willie7027 Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 180

Nov 2nd, 2009, 04:11 PM	#14
boxermom Member Joined: Aug 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 13,685	When you are feeling depressed, it's so frustrating to be feeling and acting in a way that you know logically isn't good for you or your SO/family/friends, but you simply can't act differently. I've been there. My sister says she understands depression, but she doesn't really--she thinks if you want to feel better, just exert your will power. Will power is useless in the face of depression. Is there anyone you can talk to about this? If you are a student, is there a counseling service? If you attend a church, is there a minister/pastor/priest/rabbi you can speak to? It might help you to not focus your emotional needs right now exclusively on your bf. If you can hang in there till an effective treatment for you is found, you will feel better, more energetic, happier, and motivated. When that time comes, keep taking the meds. As others have said, it's so easy to convince ourselves we don't need the medicine anymore--we think we're cured. No we're not, we need to manage and monitor, just as if we had diabetes.

Nov 2nd, 2009, 10:33 PM	#15
DesigningStyle Carrying Dentelle BH Joined: Dec 2006 Location: New Jersey, USA Posts: 8,310	Oh sweetie, my heart goes out to you. boxermom hit the nail on the head, "Will power is useless in the face of depression." Your boyfriend should be your last concern--you are your first concern. Focus on you and getting yourself better. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
	__________________

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