Deeply hurt and lost . . .

redredshoes · Jun 16th, 2008, 08:58 PM

If you saw an earlier post of mine, you know things have been rocky for me. I feel I may have made it worse today by joining the lowdown dirty ranks of girls who read their boyfriends' emails. On the one hand he will be angry, but on the other it could open an honest discussion. Neither of us has been forthcoming with our feelings or desires for a long time. My personality is more closed, but he is also private in his own way, and it's become a situation where we both assume that we won't be understood and will create unresolvable conflict.

Has anyone been in this situation . . . and had it work out for the best?

The summary is that he has not cheated, but at various points (major fights) has told strangers about his problems (as I am doing now, but in more detail) and sent out feelers online seeking other relationships and ultimately backed out of meeting anyone. I know the internet is in many ways an outlet for fantasies and ranting and rarely totally honest, so I have no way of knowing just how representative these letters are of his feelings. He exaggerated a number of our problems to his online acquaintances I think to make the situation less difficult to grasp, which only makes it more difficult for me to read. I am saddened to find he has so many negative feelings about me, has sought so many strangers to confide in rather than talking to me, and has been so close to willing to begin a new relationship before biting the bullet and ending things with me.

The issues are all things that I have been basically aware of emotionally. But somehow I had assumed he hadn't given it the negative analysis that he has, or concluded from it that I was so inadequate.

This also comes right after about the biggest fight we've had to date, which makes me feel even more heavy-hearted and unable to deal with this. I don't feel able to get into this much at the day today, and yet I know my snooping will become less forgivable the longer I wait, particularly if I have the poor judgment to check again.

I know I am in the wrong for my discovery, although I don't really feel that bad except because I thought after the fight I would really try and we might be able to turn things around. I won't try too hard to rationalize my violating his privacy, but since I'm sure someone will ask about my suspicions and motivation, I did not go in with intent . . . I have been using his computer since my computer broke (so quick replies will be very appreciated today), and I went into his history ironically to clear out some things I didn't want him to see -- facebook and shopping sites when I should be looking for work. Once there, I saw titles for posting personals ads followed by checking an email account with 50 new messages . . .

So, it all descends from there. I can't imagine really working things out, although I want to, or not coming out of it a complete mess, but I would like at least to have an understanding conversation and some kind of closure with a once-close friend.

Kelly_Birkin · Jun 17th, 2008, 08:07 AM

redredshoes, we all make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it. Maybe you two could have a very honest and open discussion and take things from there? Just try to move forward the best that you can.

Jahpson · Jun 17th, 2008, 11:28 AM

ranting negatively about you to random strangers? no respect is what he has. Dump him

enshogirl · Jun 17th, 2008, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redredshoes

...Once there, I saw titles for posting personals ads followed by checking an email account with 50 new messages . . .

He's posting personal ads?!

Lululovebags · Jun 17th, 2008, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jahpson

ranting negatively about you to random strangers? no respect is what he has. Dump him

aww man, ur being cruel again...but its the harsh truth at the end of the day.

Sternchen · Jun 17th, 2008, 03:41 PM

I'm so mad that I wrote a reply to this entry and then I got the lovely tPF Database error!

I just want to say that I have pretty much been in your EXACT situation and it's not easy...

Sternchen · Jun 17th, 2008, 03:44 PM

I will write you a PM later this evening detailing what I went through

illinirdhd · Jun 17th, 2008, 06:31 PM

I don't know what to tell you. I remember from your other thread that you moved there to be with him, and don't really have anywhere to go, right? Do you love him? Do you want to make things work? Has he done anything to make you think that he's a loser, or is it just that you're both in a rocky relationship and don't quite know what to do? (If he's a loser, then get out now!)

I guess I'd take a shot in the dark, so to speak. I'd clean up my act (mask the negative and hurt feelings) and be his girlfriend again! It won't be easy, that's for sure, because I know you're hurting. But do your best to pretend nothing is wrong. Forget the emails and websites. It sounds like he got curious and went online looking, but nothing came of it. Not exactly unforgiveable. Find a job. Any job. If it's not a good job, then take it anyway, because a little money is better than no money, and then find a better job. Clean the house. Cook dinner. Give him a hug and a kiss when he comes home in the evening and before he leaves in the morning. Make him remember how things were when your relationship was good. If he doesn't change his attitude after a week or two of seeing your new and improved one, then figure out where to go and what to do. But if you love him, and he's really a good guy, drop the defeated attitude and change what YOU can change to see if you can make it better.

And remember this: if you snoop, you'll keep snooping until you eventually find what you're looking for. It is an addictive and destructive behavior. Though all of us have probably done it.

If it doesn't work, well, at least you tried, right?

lovinalotofbags · Jun 17th, 2008, 06:35 PM

R U the one that was waiting at home about to clean and was wondering if he was going to ask you to leave?

You guys need to honestly and openly talk. Get things out on the table without yelling and go from there. Openly looking for new relationships online is not a good sign for your relationship.

VPT · Jun 17th, 2008, 07:01 PM

Firstly, I'm sorry for you.
Casually bring up the subject without confrontation, and ask him if it is ok that you looked around for a lover, someone he has never been to you. Ask him if you could visit online sex chat sites, scouting personal forums, or even phone social networks. Watch his reaction. Give him a taste of his own poison. He might just come clean who knows?

redredshoes · Jun 17th, 2008, 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jahpson

ranting negatively about you to random strangers? no respect is what he has. Dump him

I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic, since as I pointed out that's what I'm doing in this post, which is actually more public than his . . . I done wrong snooping, what else can I say on that score.

redredshoes · Jun 17th, 2008, 07:29 PM

To the lovely lady who PMed me earlier, thanks very much and I wrote you a reply but I haven't been able to get it through TPF all day. Please write me at ufidrrs at gmail dot com if you don't mind going to email.

Anyone else's thoughts would be appreciated in email as well.

redredshoes · Jun 17th, 2008, 08:08 PM

Sorry for the whole string of posts, but I wanted to add this particularly on the snooping part and coming clean.

There are things in the emails that I don't think I can just sweep under the rug. Hence extremely lengthy posts. I don't think they are emails that most people would. I also know the things you go on the internet to open up about are not always representative of your thoughts in the long term -- just like my trail on tpf is all about the bad times.

We can get on for a while without talking about this, but we can never have the honesty I want this way. So I do want to bring it up, but I'm not sure how and how much flak I should expect to get or consider fair to take? How would you feel if this were you?

I admit like every dirty sneak I felt like it was a natural temptation/step. What I saw in the history was very clear -- a title for a published personals ad that concerned me as well as him. I can be more specific by email or pm if it is functioning. So I don't think anyone in that position would NOT look at that post. But then I went and looked in email for the responses to that post, found an assload of other posts dating back a year and more, and OF COURSE went and read those.

If it were you, at what point would you have stopped? I can say that what he did is not unforgivable, but is what I did? Isn't it only SO terrible and wrong because those are the exact emails that he wouldn't want me reading, because they were shitty things for him to write about me? How contrite, angry, hurt, etc should I be?

I am very private, even secretive, and would crap myself if anyone snooped on my computer. But that's because I write really stupid fiction and have shit from my embarrassing teen years saved for sentimentality.

maddog · Jun 18th, 2008, 01:09 AM

You need to talk to him as calmly as you can and get some explanations. Explain that you went to the history to delete your shopping history and notice the ads, ask him what's that about and see if he comes clean about the emails. If not, then you need to tell him you saw these emails and have him explain those. I can't say whether he'll get mad or break up with you for sneaking into his emails (chance are, if he's already at this stage, he's going to use this as an excuse to break up), but I would say given how you found the personal ads and only then, because of something so suspicious, you looked at his emails - is only natural and completely justifiable in my mind. Heck, I would think anyone who doesn't look at the emails if they're able to after seeing a personal ad by their SO would be extremely gullible and naive. Because if you didn't see the emails, he could EASILY have said it was a joke and he didn't mean anything. So I think it's best you saw the emails and know what you're up against.

You found out he did something to take away your trust, so there's nothing wrong with you not trusting him.

If it were me, it'd be a deal breaker. I seem to recall you had other problems in your relationship before this as well? This may not be physically cheating, but it shows he's not all there and already taking steps away. It may not be an affair yet, but this is very close to emotional cheating to me. Remember to not keep a guy that doesn't want to stay, he will leave eventually.

redredshoes · Jun 18th, 2008, 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovinalotofbags

R U the one that was waiting at home about to clean and was wondering if he was going to ask you to leave?

You guys need to honestly and openly talk. Get things out on the table without yelling and go from there. Openly looking for new relationships online is not a good sign for your relationship.

Yes, that's me . . .

I know a lot of things are bad, but I want to know that I tried what I could.

Jun 16th, 2008, 08:58 PM	#1
redredshoes Member	Deeply hurt and lost . . . If you saw an earlier post of mine, you know things have been rocky for me. I feel I may have made it worse today by joining the lowdown dirty ranks of girls who read their boyfriends' emails. On the one hand he will be angry, but on the other it could open an honest discussion. Neither of us has been forthcoming with our feelings or desires for a long time. My personality is more closed, but he is also private in his own way, and it's become a situation where we both assume that we won't be understood and will create unresolvable conflict. Has anyone been in this situation . . . and had it work out for the best? The summary is that he has not cheated, but at various points (major fights) has told strangers about his problems (as I am doing now, but in more detail) and sent out feelers online seeking other relationships and ultimately backed out of meeting anyone. I know the internet is in many ways an outlet for fantasies and ranting and rarely totally honest, so I have no way of knowing just how representative these letters are of his feelings. He exaggerated a number of our problems to his online acquaintances I think to make the situation less difficult to grasp, which only makes it more difficult for me to read. I am saddened to find he has so many negative feelings about me, has sought so many strangers to confide in rather than talking to me, and has been so close to willing to begin a new relationship before biting the bullet and ending things with me. The issues are all things that I have been basically aware of emotionally. But somehow I had assumed he hadn't given it the negative analysis that he has, or concluded from it that I was so inadequate. This also comes right after about the biggest fight we've had to date, which makes me feel even more heavy-hearted and unable to deal with this. I don't feel able to get into this much at the day today, and yet I know my snooping will become less forgivable the longer I wait, particularly if I have the poor judgment to check again. I know I am in the wrong for my discovery, although I don't really feel that bad except because I thought after the fight I would really try and we might be able to turn things around. I won't try too hard to rationalize my violating his privacy, but since I'm sure someone will ask about my suspicions and motivation, I did not go in with intent . . . I have been using his computer since my computer broke (so quick replies will be very appreciated today), and I went into his history ironically to clear out some things I didn't want him to see -- facebook and shopping sites when I should be looking for work. Once there, I saw titles for posting personals ads followed by checking an email account with 50 new messages . . . So, it all descends from there. I can't imagine really working things out, although I want to, or not coming out of it a complete mess, but I would like at least to have an understanding conversation and some kind of closure with a once-close friend. Last edited by Sunshine; Jun 16th, 2008 at 09:08 PM.

Jun 17th, 2008, 08:07 AM	#2
Kelly_Birkin The Someday Princess Location: A small tiny piece in the huge orange pie (USA)	redredshoes, we all make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it. Maybe you two could have a very honest and open discussion and take things from there? Just try to move forward the best that you can. __________________ " Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear. " ~John Lennon 1940-1980 Hermes wish list for 2008 Graduation: Lumieres de paris scarf in the Craie/bleu/rouge fonce colorway (thank you, Katel) Limited edition Hermes Children for a Better World Twilly in purple colorway

Jun 17th, 2008, 11:28 AM	#3
Jahpson Member Location: The Playground	ranting negatively about you to random strangers? no respect is what he has. Dump him __________________ Amazingly Sophisticated Happy Holidays to all my TPF friends!

Jun 17th, 2008, 03:41 PM	#6
Sternchen We're having a boy!! Location: Beauty RAOK	I'm so mad that I wrote a reply to this entry and then I got the lovely tPF Database error! I just want to say that I have pretty much been in your EXACT situation and it's not easy... __________________ My 2 wonderful girls, Nicole (5) and Julia (1) will be big sisters soon! My pregnancy blog

Jun 17th, 2008, 03:44 PM	#7
Sternchen We're having a boy!! Location: Beauty RAOK	I will write you a PM later this evening detailing what I went through __________________ My 2 wonderful girls, Nicole (5) and Julia (1) will be big sisters soon! My pregnancy blog

Jun 17th, 2008, 06:31 PM	#8
illinirdhd Sofa King Hooked Location: Las Vegas, NV	I don't know what to tell you. I remember from your other thread that you moved there to be with him, and don't really have anywhere to go, right? Do you love him? Do you want to make things work? Has he done anything to make you think that he's a loser, or is it just that you're both in a rocky relationship and don't quite know what to do? (If he's a loser, then get out now!) I guess I'd take a shot in the dark, so to speak. I'd clean up my act (mask the negative and hurt feelings) and be his girlfriend again! It won't be easy, that's for sure, because I know you're hurting. But do your best to pretend nothing is wrong. Forget the emails and websites. It sounds like he got curious and went online looking, but nothing came of it. Not exactly unforgiveable. Find a job. Any job. If it's not a good job, then take it anyway, because a little money is better than no money, and then find a better job. Clean the house. Cook dinner. Give him a hug and a kiss when he comes home in the evening and before he leaves in the morning. Make him remember how things were when your relationship was good. If he doesn't change his attitude after a week or two of seeing your new and improved one, then figure out where to go and what to do. But if you love him, and he's really a good guy, drop the defeated attitude and change what YOU can change to see if you can make it better. And remember this: if you snoop, you'll keep snooping until you eventually find what you're looking for. It is an addictive and destructive behavior. Though all of us have probably done it. If it doesn't work, well, at least you tried, right? __________________

Jun 17th, 2008, 06:35 PM	#9
lovinalotofbags In for the long haul Location: South Carolina	R U the one that was waiting at home about to clean and was wondering if he was going to ask you to leave? You guys need to honestly and openly talk. Get things out on the table without yelling and go from there. Openly looking for new relationships online is not a good sign for your relationship. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Jun 17th, 2008, 07:01 PM	#10
VPT i ♥ blood oranges Location: Singapore / Vancouver	Firstly, I'm sorry for you. Casually bring up the subject without confrontation, and ask him if it is ok that you looked around for a lover, someone he has never been to you. Ask him if you could visit online sex chat sites, scouting personal forums, or even phone social networks. Watch his reaction. Give him a taste of his own poison. He might just come clean who knows? __________________

Jun 17th, 2008, 07:29 PM	#12
redredshoes Member	To the lovely lady who PMed me earlier, thanks very much and I wrote you a reply but I haven't been able to get it through TPF all day. Please write me at ufidrrs at gmail dot com if you don't mind going to email. Anyone else's thoughts would be appreciated in email as well.

Jun 17th, 2008, 08:08 PM	#13
redredshoes Member	Sorry for the whole string of posts, but I wanted to add this particularly on the snooping part and coming clean. There are things in the emails that I don't think I can just sweep under the rug. Hence extremely lengthy posts. I don't think they are emails that most people would. I also know the things you go on the internet to open up about are not always representative of your thoughts in the long term -- just like my trail on tpf is all about the bad times. We can get on for a while without talking about this, but we can never have the honesty I want this way. So I do want to bring it up, but I'm not sure how and how much flak I should expect to get or consider fair to take? How would you feel if this were you? I admit like every dirty sneak I felt like it was a natural temptation/step. What I saw in the history was very clear -- a title for a published personals ad that concerned me as well as him. I can be more specific by email or pm if it is functioning. So I don't think anyone in that position would NOT look at that post. But then I went and looked in email for the responses to that post, found an assload of other posts dating back a year and more, and OF COURSE went and read those. If it were you, at what point would you have stopped? I can say that what he did is not unforgivable, but is what I did? Isn't it only SO terrible and wrong because those are the exact emails that he wouldn't want me reading, because they were shitty things for him to write about me? How contrite, angry, hurt, etc should I be? I am very private, even secretive, and would crap myself if anyone snooped on my computer. But that's because I write really stupid fiction and have shit from my embarrassing teen years saved for sentimentality.

Jun 18th, 2008, 01:09 AM	#14
maddog Mmmkay	You need to talk to him as calmly as you can and get some explanations. Explain that you went to the history to delete your shopping history and notice the ads, ask him what's that about and see if he comes clean about the emails. If not, then you need to tell him you saw these emails and have him explain those. I can't say whether he'll get mad or break up with you for sneaking into his emails (chance are, if he's already at this stage, he's going to use this as an excuse to break up), but I would say given how you found the personal ads and only then, because of something so suspicious, you looked at his emails - is only natural and completely justifiable in my mind. Heck, I would think anyone who doesn't look at the emails if they're able to after seeing a personal ad by their SO would be extremely gullible and naive. Because if you didn't see the emails, he could EASILY have said it was a joke and he didn't mean anything. So I think it's best you saw the emails and know what you're up against. You found out he did something to take away your trust, so there's nothing wrong with you not trusting him. If it were me, it'd be a deal breaker. I seem to recall you had other problems in your relationship before this as well? This may not be physically cheating, but it shows he's not all there and already taking steps away. It may not be an affair yet, but this is very close to emotional cheating to me. Remember to not keep a guy that doesn't want to stay, he will leave eventually.