Crazy marriage/pseudo-cheating dilemma...

bellafleur · Dec 26th, 2007, 07:46 PM

I'm sorry to post another long (really long, sorry!), drawn out relationship plea for help, but I'm hoping to gather some pearls of wisdom...

I met my husband 4.5 years ago, I am 2 years older than him, and he turned 24 the month after we met. I was in grad school and had been in a couple long relationships before, and he only had one long relationship in high school. We fell for each other hard and fast, and I quickly learned that he was the jealous and controlling type. He freaked out whenever I didn't answer my cell phone, automatically assumed I was cheating on him, and hated it whenever I went out with my girlfriends. Yes, I should have known, but I somehow fell for him anyway.

So, fast forward and we got married a little less than 2 years ago. He actually does have a very sweet, loving side to him and can be very romantic when it's just the two of us.
Right after we got married, it seemed like everything got better, and for the first 10 months or so the jealousy thing just went away. Then, the sh*t hit the fan, for reasons completely unknown to me. He told me about a year ago that he was bored with me, wasn't attracted to me anymore (I had gained 10-15 pounds in that 3 year period, and he was very vocal about it- I'm a size 8 by the way), we didn't have anything in common, and he wondered if there was someone out there better for him. He accused me of pushing him into marriage, and felt too young to be married. Well, we stayed together somehow, and got a dog. The dog helped us focus on something else besides ourselves, and things got better again after a couple months.

Then, about 2 months ago, the same stuff came up again. I was blindsided the second time, because I really felt everything was fine. It got so bad that I decided to move out. He cried for the first time I can remember, and told me he was sorry and he loves me. He agreed to try marriage counseling, but when we went, the counselor concluded that he had one foot out the door, and there was only so much I could do to try and fight for us. We never went back, and we have just been existing for the past month or so. I haven't moved out yet because it's cold, and it's just really hard to think about doing it.

So here is my real quandry... I have never cheated before, on him or anyone else. But I just did something that I don't know whether to regret or what. My husband decided he would rather spend Christmas out of state with his parents than with me, and he took the dog with him. I spent Christmas day with my family, but I was alone for a week. Over the weekend, I went out with my friend. I ended up meeting this really adorable guy who called me the next day, and we went out on Sunday night and had a really good time. Our conversation just flowed, and he has traveled all over the world and is interested in the same things I am, politics, etc. My husband has no interest or capacity to discuss world events, and I often do not feel stimulated by our conversation. Now, I'm not making the mistake of seeing this guy as my knight in shining armor, but my husband sure is starting to look like a frog.

I did stay overnight at his place (I know, I know!), and when I went home the next day, I had 26 missed calls from my husband. 26. I made up some story of being with my friend and staying up all night talking about our marriage, and I think I convinced him. We talked for a couple hours, me saying I don't think I can do this and I want to separate. Then he threw me for a loop. He said he has been thinking, and he really wants to try and make things work, and he sees that I'm good for him, blah blah blah. And he even volunteered to go to the gym with me to help me lose weight. (How frickin' big of him, right?) Anyway, he really seems sincere, and when I picked him up from the airport last night, he had nothing but kisses and attention for me. Now I'm soooooooo confused about what to do. We are married, and we both took a vow, but I just don't know if my heart is in it anymore. Do I give him another chance and see if he's sincere? Will it get better for a while, only to come up again in the future? Do I just forget I ever met this wonderful other guy and focus on my marriage? I did tell him I was married, but that we were planning to separate, which was true at the time (incidentally, do you guy still call that cheating when I was under the impression my marriage was ending?). I don't want to just give him up (we've been talking & he's still interested, despite the married thing), but I realize that if I stay and work on the marriage, I obviously can't carry on. I have no idea. None. Help!!

oo_let_me_see · Dec 26th, 2007, 07:58 PM

bella, first of all, I am so sorry you are going through this and that you had to spend the week of Christmas alone. It sounds like there isn't any security in your marriage. I know how that feels because that's how it was in my first marriage and it felt terrible. It seems your husband's feelings about you and the marriage are unstable, so you can't really rely that he has changed this time and won't do it again. What you can do is insist you guys see a couselor regularly since he's willing to try and seems remorseful right now. As far as the other guy, as great as he may seem, I think you are making a huge mistake by carrying on with him. You are not ready to move on from your marriage, so by adding this situation in your life, it will make things that much harder. You have to deal with your present situation before you even think about getting into another relationship, IMHO. Cut this other guy from your life completely right now and work on your marriage. I wish you the very best and hope things work out for you.

dallas · Dec 26th, 2007, 08:10 PM

I have a question. If you and your husband give it another try, can you live with the fact that you slept with/cheated with someone else?

HubbaWubba · Dec 26th, 2007, 08:12 PM

How would you feel if you hubby told you exactly what you just posted? I know you didn't technically cheat, per se, but I do have a feeling if this was a guy posting what you posted, the womenfolk on this forum wouldn't be so nice about their upcoming answers.

Cut to the chase, your hubby hasn't made you feel sexy/wanted/needed in a while and this one guy was saying/doing things to make you feel the way your husband hasn't been able to in a while. I think this guy came into the picture at the right time when your husband was out of town and you were feeling lonely so you went with it.

Me personally, I am all about honesty and deal with the consequences. This is a pretty big secret from someone who you have taken vows with. JMO

I am also pretty sure most will say don't tell him because you didn't really do anything, but again, think about if your husband would of did the same thing as you did.

bellafleur · Dec 26th, 2007, 08:12 PM

^^oo_let_me_see, I know you're right, I mean that's the morally right thing to do, but I just feel so emotionally drained that I am really not sure I want to try anymore. At first, I was the one who wanted to do anything possible to make it work, but he's said so many hurtful things that can't be taken back. I'm having a really hard time figuring out how seriously to take marriage vows. I feel like I'm supposed to be an emotional punching bag and still keep standing upright and being the cheerleader, while he gets to change his mind whenever the heck he wants. Do I want to go through months of counseling when I don't even know if my heart is in it anymore? I don't know...

bellafleur · Dec 26th, 2007, 08:17 PM

Ummm... I think it's possible, because I really felt that we weren't staying together. I do feel terrible about it, but I'm trying to figure out if that's because I really care for my husband, or because it was technically wrong. That probably sounds like a cop out, I know.

Plus, here's something else- when we went to the marriage counselor, she asked if there had been any infideliy. I said no right away, because from me there wasn't. He kind of waffled, and said "depends on what you call infidelity". She never got it out of him exactly what he meant, and I never have either. It's not that I'm trying to get back at him for something I have no confirmation of, but it just happened.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dallas

I have a question. If you and your husband give it another try, can you live with the fact that you slept with/cheated with someone else?

lolitablue · Dec 26th, 2007, 08:18 PM

Wow, that is a toughie! So sorry to learn that your holidays were a little lonely. Not completely because you got to go out and meet someone who brought back the self-esteem that you needed. As far as your marriage goes, you need to give it a chance, not to stay together but to decide if that is what you want to do. As the fellow pfer said the other guy thing could only get worse and it could make things very difficult with your DH harder. This forum is a great place to vent and if what you need is get things out of your system, you could always come here.

Think about what you want to do, your DH sounds immature and should not be playing mind games with you about your weight or whatever it is that he is pulling out of his A$#. It should have not taken him a week away from you, for Xmas to decide that what he really wants is you. How about what you REALLY want. Maybe is him, maybe is not but only you have that answer.

Good Luck making that decision and smile!!

gettinpurseonal · Dec 26th, 2007, 08:18 PM

Remember, it's not over til it's over. Until you make the firm decision to get divorced, tell the other guy you need to figure things out and if you're ever single you will look him up. Take it from someone who's been there. I THOUGHT my marriage was over bc my hubby moved out and filed for divorce, so I started seeing someone. Looking back, we just needed time apart and the divorce went really slowly - like 2 years - so I am pretty sure we could have made it work. But seeing somebody else you are kinda stuck in limbo. You can't move forward with the new relationship and you can't make the old one work. It's not fair to anybody and everybody gets hurt and you have a hard time living with the outcome. No judgement - just deal with the marriage first before you seek a new relationship of any kind. You don't want to look back with regret. "If only..." is very tough to live with. Also, I think if you are still asking yourself questions, you are not ready to file. Lastly, I was involved with a man who was in your position. He said he was getting divorced, had moved out, and eventually after MUCH heartache on both our parts he filed. But he never finalized it and his actions showed his loyalty was always to her. I finally ended the relationship after several painful years. I will never see somebody who isn't FULLY divorced ever again. PM me if you want to talk. Marriage is hard and every man has his shortcomings. All the best to you.

bellafleur · Dec 26th, 2007, 08:21 PM

I would feel awful if he told me he cheated, of course you're right!! I am not going to tell him, that I know, and that's not what I'm asking. If I did tell him, the only possible consequence is that we would break up, because he would not be able to handle it. Maybe that's not the "right" thing for me to do, but even though I did something "wrong", I still feel like I deserve to make my own decision about my marriage, despite everything.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HubbaWubba

How would you feel if you hubby told you exactly what you just posted? I know you didn't technically cheat, per se, but I do have a feeling if this was a guy posting what you posted, the womenfolk on this forum wouldn't be so nice about their upcoming answers.

Cut to the chase, your hubby hasn't made you feel sexy/wanted/needed in a while and this one guy was saying/doing things to make you feel the way your husband hasn't been able to in a while. I think this guy came into the picture at the right time when your husband was out of town and you were feeling lonely so you went with it.

Me personally, I am all about honesty and deal with the consequences. This is a pretty big secret from someone who you have taken vows with. JMO

I am also pretty sure most will say don't tell him because you didn't really do anything, but again, think about if your husband would of did the same thing as you did.

risingsun · Dec 26th, 2007, 08:21 PM

If you hadn't met someone and you're husband came back to you wanting to try again with your marriage, what would you do? It sounds as if you've been through the ringer with this man. Are you willing to give it another go?

Maryanne007 · Dec 26th, 2007, 08:32 PM

I agree with risingsun, you have to completely forget about this new guy and think carefully about the situation at hand. The truth is, even if you are done with your marriage, I dont think you should be jumping into another relationship either! Too much baggage, and rebounding is never a good idea. I think you need to talk to your husband and honestly tell him you're not sure what you want anymore, and that if there is any chance of working things out you have to go to counseling together and deal with all the problems (including his nasty weight comments to name just one!!). And that this is the last straw, if that doesnt work, or if he doesnt put his all into it, then you're ready to move on.

gillianna · Dec 26th, 2007, 10:00 PM

I get the feeling that you are ready to walk away and then your hubby decides to play a mind game on you and you are falling for it. The weight comment was bad. Is he going to do that for the rest of your life. What would happen if you had a baby and gained weight???? He told you he wanted to end it and counseling did not help...... It may be fine for everyone to tell you to give it another chance but I think you need to give yourself a chance to decide what YOU want. I personally feel it is better to get out if you feel that is really what you want than drag it out trying to make it work for another 5 years. Too many people waste so much time thinking they will get it right and they end up more hurt in the end.
As for the other guy???? I think you felt your marriage is over and there is no reason to feel that was the worst thing to do. You seem to realize that it might be time to move on but maybe you are afraid of taking the first step to do it. How will your husband react if you told him what happened when he was gone? That may be the end of the marriage in his mind but you said you are not sure if he cheated so it may be something that has been going on by him in the past. I think you might need some time alone to think what you want. Hubby has no right to tell you what you have to weigh, ect.....to me you will never meet up with his expectations if he is like this and in his mind he will throw it in your face if you have a fight.
I wish you the best.

dallas · Dec 26th, 2007, 10:14 PM

In my opinion no matter how much counseling you have or talking you do, if your heart's not in it, it won't work. If you know in your heart that it's over, then be true to yourself and your husband... you owe it to each other. Good luck.

queenvictoria2 · Dec 26th, 2007, 10:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gillianna

I get the feeling that you are ready to walk away and then your hubby decides to play a mind game on you and you are falling for it. The weight comment was bad. Is he going to do that for the rest of your life. What would happen if you had a baby and gained weight???? He told you he wanted to end it and counseling did not help...... It may be fine for everyone to tell you to give it another chance but I think you need to give yourself a chance to decide what YOU want. I personally feel it is better to get out if you feel that is really what you want than drag it out trying to make it work for another 5 years. Too many people waste so much time thinking they will get it right and they end up more hurt in the end.
As for the other guy???? I think you felt your marriage is over and there is no reason to feel that was the worst thing to do. You seem to realize that it might be time to move on but maybe you are afraid of taking the first step to do it. How will your husband react if you told him what happened when he was gone? That may be the end of the marriage in his mind but you said you are not sure if he cheated so it may be something that has been going on by him in the past. I think you might need some time alone to think what you want. Hubby has no right to tell you what you have to weigh, ect.....to me you will never meet up with his expectations if he is like this and in his mind he will throw it in your face if you have a fight.
I wish you the best.

I like the advice I have heard you give a lot

I might need to pm you sometime myself

fiatflux · Dec 27th, 2007, 01:16 AM

The gym comment really pisses me off...because it is as if he's saying that he can only accept you if you lose weight...and is essentially blaming at least some of the problems in the marriage on you and your weight. With all you've described about your marriage, I think you should get out before any children are involved. I don't think your decision should have anything to do with this other man, though...just think about your marriage and how it has been up until now...and ask yourself if you can live for the rest of your life in this kind of a relationship (because it's not likely to change...the cycle is destined to continue). Also, it does sound like he's cheated on you...he was sounding kind of Bill Clinton-esque with that statement to the counselor. I immediately suspected he might cheat on you as soon as you described how jealous he was. Often the most jealous & possessive people are the ones most likely to cheat.

Dec 26th, 2007, 07:46 PM	#1
bellafleur Member	Crazy marriage/pseudo-cheating dilemma... I'm sorry to post another long (really long, sorry!), drawn out relationship plea for help, but I'm hoping to gather some pearls of wisdom... I met my husband 4.5 years ago, I am 2 years older than him, and he turned 24 the month after we met. I was in grad school and had been in a couple long relationships before, and he only had one long relationship in high school. We fell for each other hard and fast, and I quickly learned that he was the jealous and controlling type. He freaked out whenever I didn't answer my cell phone, automatically assumed I was cheating on him, and hated it whenever I went out with my girlfriends. Yes, I should have known, but I somehow fell for him anyway. So, fast forward and we got married a little less than 2 years ago. He actually does have a very sweet, loving side to him and can be very romantic when it's just the two of us. Right after we got married, it seemed like everything got better, and for the first 10 months or so the jealousy thing just went away. Then, the sht hit the fan, for reasons completely unknown to me. He told me about a year ago that he was bored with me, wasn't attracted to me anymore (I had gained 10-15 pounds in that 3 year period, and he was very vocal about it- I'm a size 8 by the way), we didn't have anything in common, and he wondered if there was someone out there better for him. He accused me of pushing him into marriage, and felt too young to be married. Well, we stayed together somehow, and got a dog. The dog helped us focus on something else besides ourselves, and things got better again after a couple months. Then, about 2 months ago, the same stuff came up again. I was blindsided the second time, because I really felt everything was fine. It got so bad that I decided to move out. He cried for the first time I can remember, and told me he was sorry and he loves me. He agreed to try marriage counseling, but when we went, the counselor concluded that he had one foot out the door, and there was only so much I could do to try and fight for us. We never went back, and we have just been existing for the past month or so. I haven't moved out yet because it's cold, and it's just really hard to think about doing it. So here is my real quandry... I have never cheated before, on him or anyone else. But I just did something that I don't know whether to regret or what. My husband decided he would rather spend Christmas out of state with his parents than with me, and he took the dog with him. I spent Christmas day with my family, but I was alone for a week. Over the weekend, I went out with my friend. I ended up meeting this really adorable guy who called me the next day, and we went out on Sunday night and had a really good time. Our conversation just flowed, and he has traveled all over the world and is interested in the same things I am, politics, etc. My husband has no interest or capacity to discuss world events, and I often do not feel stimulated by our conversation. Now, I'm not making the mistake of seeing this guy as my knight in shining armor, but my husband sure is starting to look like a frog. I did stay overnight at his place (I know, I know!), and when I went home the next day, I had 26 missed calls from my husband. 26. I made up some story of being with my friend and staying up all night talking about our marriage, and I think I convinced him. We talked for a couple hours, me saying I don't think I can do this and I want to separate. Then he threw me for a loop. He said he has been thinking, and he really wants to try and make things work, and he sees that I'm good for him, blah blah blah. And he even volunteered to go to the gym with me to help me lose weight. (How frickin' big of him, right?) Anyway, he really seems sincere, and when I picked him up from the airport last night, he had nothing but kisses and attention for me. Now I'm soooooooo confused about what to do. We are* married, and we both took a vow, but I just don't know if my heart is in it anymore. Do I give him another chance and see if he's sincere? Will it get better for a while, only to come up again in the future? Do I just forget I ever met this wonderful other guy and focus on my marriage? I did tell him I was married, but that we were planning to separate, which was true at the time (incidentally, do you guy still call that cheating when I was under the impression my marriage was ending?). I don't want to just give him up (we've been talking & he's still interested, despite the married thing), but I realize that if I stay and work on the marriage, I obviously can't carry on. I have no idea. None. Help!!

Dec 26th, 2007, 07:58 PM	#2
oo_let_me_see CL Best Username '08 Location: la la land	Re: Crazy marriage/pseudo-cheating dilemma... bella, first of all, I am so sorry you are going through this and that you had to spend the week of Christmas alone. It sounds like there isn't any security in your marriage. I know how that feels because that's how it was in my first marriage and it felt terrible. It seems your husband's feelings about you and the marriage are unstable, so you can't really rely that he has changed this time and won't do it again. What you can do is insist you guys see a couselor regularly since he's willing to try and seems remorseful right now. As far as the other guy, as great as he may seem, I think you are making a huge mistake by carrying on with him. You are not ready to move on from your marriage, so by adding this situation in your life, it will make things that much harder. You have to deal with your present situation before you even think about getting into another relationship, IMHO. Cut this other guy from your life completely right now and work on your marriage. I wish you the very best and hope things work out for you.

Dec 26th, 2007, 08:10 PM	#3
dallas Ya anno	Re: Crazy marriage/pseudo-cheating dilemma... I have a question. If you and your husband give it another try, can you live with the fact that you slept with/cheated with someone else? __________________ A good deed is never lost: he who sows courtesy reaps friendship; and he who plants kindness gathers love.

Dec 26th, 2007, 08:12 PM	#4
HubbaWubba Sofa King Banned	Re: Crazy marriage/pseudo-cheating dilemma... How would you feel if you hubby told you exactly what you just posted? I know you didn't technically cheat, per se, but I do have a feeling if this was a guy posting what you posted, the womenfolk on this forum wouldn't be so nice about their upcoming answers. Cut to the chase, your hubby hasn't made you feel sexy/wanted/needed in a while and this one guy was saying/doing things to make you feel the way your husband hasn't been able to in a while. I think this guy came into the picture at the right time when your husband was out of town and you were feeling lonely so you went with it. Me personally, I am all about honesty and deal with the consequences. This is a pretty big secret from someone who you have taken vows with. JMO I am also pretty sure most will say don't tell him because you didn't really do anything, but again, think about if your husband would of did the same thing as you did.

Dec 26th, 2007, 08:12 PM	#5
bellafleur Member	Re: Crazy marriage/pseudo-cheating dilemma... ^^oo_let_me_see, I know you're right, I mean that's the morally right thing to do, but I just feel so emotionally drained that I am really not sure I want to try anymore. At first, I was the one who wanted to do anything possible to make it work, but he's said so many hurtful things that can't be taken back. I'm having a really hard time figuring out how seriously to take marriage vows. I feel like I'm supposed to be an emotional punching bag and still keep standing upright and being the cheerleader, while he gets to change his mind whenever the heck he wants. Do I want to go through months of counseling when I don't even know if my heart is in it anymore? I don't know...

Dec 26th, 2007, 08:18 PM	#7
lolitablue Lookn 4 Bling Blings Location: In a shoe	Re: Crazy marriage/pseudo-cheating dilemma... Wow, that is a toughie! So sorry to learn that your holidays were a little lonely. Not completely because you got to go out and meet someone who brought back the self-esteem that you needed. As far as your marriage goes, you need to give it a chance, not to stay together but to decide if that is what you want to do. As the fellow pfer said the other guy thing could only get worse and it could make things very difficult with your DH harder. This forum is a great place to vent and if what you need is get things out of your system, you could always come here. Think about what you want to do, your DH sounds immature and should not be playing mind games with you about your weight or whatever it is that he is pulling out of his A$#. It should have not taken him a week away from you, for Xmas to decide that what he really wants is you. How about what you REALLY want. Maybe is him, maybe is not but only you have that answer. Good Luck making that decision and smile!! __________________ My Wishlist (2008): Burberry Watch (spotted) Rebecca Minkoff Mini Nikki in Wine or Black (soon?) Looking for Pewter Bling Blings My lovelies

Dec 26th, 2007, 08:18 PM	#8
gettinpurseonal Can I bathe in them?	Re: Crazy marriage/pseudo-cheating dilemma... Remember, it's not over til it's over. Until you make the firm decision to get divorced, tell the other guy you need to figure things out and if you're ever single you will look him up. Take it from someone who's been there. I THOUGHT my marriage was over bc my hubby moved out and filed for divorce, so I started seeing someone. Looking back, we just needed time apart and the divorce went really slowly - like 2 years - so I am pretty sure we could have made it work. But seeing somebody else you are kinda stuck in limbo. You can't move forward with the new relationship and you can't make the old one work. It's not fair to anybody and everybody gets hurt and you have a hard time living with the outcome. No judgement - just deal with the marriage first before you seek a new relationship of any kind. You don't want to look back with regret. "If only..." is very tough to live with. Also, I think if you are still asking yourself questions, you are not ready to file. Lastly, I was involved with a man who was in your position. He said he was getting divorced, had moved out, and eventually after MUCH heartache on both our parts he filed. But he never finalized it and his actions showed his loyalty was always to her. I finally ended the relationship after several painful years. I will never see somebody who isn't FULLY divorced ever again. PM me if you want to talk. Marriage is hard and every man has his shortcomings. All the best to you. __________________ <<< Click on my avatar to see my bag collection Last edited by gettinpurseonal; Dec 26th, 2007 at 08:21 PM.

Dec 26th, 2007, 08:21 PM	#10
risingsun Member Location: Virginia	Re: Crazy marriage/pseudo-cheating dilemma... If you hadn't met someone and you're husband came back to you wanting to try again with your marriage, what would you do? It sounds as if you've been through the ringer with this man. Are you willing to give it another go?

Dec 26th, 2007, 08:32 PM	#11
Maryanne007 Member	Re: Crazy marriage/pseudo-cheating dilemma... I agree with risingsun, you have to completely forget about this new guy and think carefully about the situation at hand. The truth is, even if you are done with your marriage, I dont think you should be jumping into another relationship either! Too much baggage, and rebounding is never a good idea. I think you need to talk to your husband and honestly tell him you're not sure what you want anymore, and that if there is any chance of working things out you have to go to counseling together and deal with all the problems (including his nasty weight comments to name just one!!). And that this is the last straw, if that doesnt work, or if he doesnt put his all into it, then you're ready to move on.

Dec 26th, 2007, 10:00 PM	#12
gillianna Member	Re: Crazy marriage/pseudo-cheating dilemma... I get the feeling that you are ready to walk away and then your hubby decides to play a mind game on you and you are falling for it. The weight comment was bad. Is he going to do that for the rest of your life. What would happen if you had a baby and gained weight???? He told you he wanted to end it and counseling did not help...... It may be fine for everyone to tell you to give it another chance but I think you need to give yourself a chance to decide what YOU want. I personally feel it is better to get out if you feel that is really what you want than drag it out trying to make it work for another 5 years. Too many people waste so much time thinking they will get it right and they end up more hurt in the end. As for the other guy???? I think you felt your marriage is over and there is no reason to feel that was the worst thing to do. You seem to realize that it might be time to move on but maybe you are afraid of taking the first step to do it. How will your husband react if you told him what happened when he was gone? That may be the end of the marriage in his mind but you said you are not sure if he cheated so it may be something that has been going on by him in the past. I think you might need some time alone to think what you want. Hubby has no right to tell you what you have to weigh, ect.....to me you will never meet up with his expectations if he is like this and in his mind he will throw it in your face if you have a fight. I wish you the best.

Dec 26th, 2007, 10:14 PM	#13
dallas Ya anno	Re: Crazy marriage/pseudo-cheating dilemma... In my opinion no matter how much counseling you have or talking you do, if your heart's not in it, it won't work. If you know in your heart that it's over, then be true to yourself and your husband... you owe it to each other. Good luck. __________________ A good deed is never lost: he who sows courtesy reaps friendship; and he who plants kindness gathers love.

Dec 27th, 2007, 01:16 AM	#15
fiatflux Member	Re: Crazy marriage/pseudo-cheating dilemma... The gym comment really pisses me off...because it is as if he's saying that he can only accept you if you lose weight...and is essentially blaming at least some of the problems in the marriage on you and your weight. With all you've described about your marriage, I think you should get out before any children are involved. I don't think your decision should have anything to do with this other man, though...just think about your marriage and how it has been up until now...and ask yourself if you can live for the rest of your life in this kind of a relationship (because it's not likely to change...the cycle is destined to continue). Also, it does sound like he's cheated on you...he was sounding kind of Bill Clinton-esque with that statement to the counselor. I immediately suspected he might cheat on you as soon as you described how jealous he was. Often the most jealous & possessive people are the ones most likely to cheat.