Cheating

BagLadie · Oct 5th, 2008, 10:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by christymarie340

life is too short to be unhappy

Exactly.

moi et mes sacs · Oct 5th, 2008, 10:31 AM

Spesking on practical terms now. If you really are ready for divorce as you keep saying, decide and go ahead and then get on with your life. Divorce is messy and adding adultery to the list will make it even messier. Good luck.

sweet_pees · Oct 5th, 2008, 12:05 PM

if you and your husband were having problems for a while already and had considered divorce, this accident probably led you to know that you really dont want to save this marriage anymore. if you did care about the marriage, you would not have done what you did.

littlerock80 · Oct 5th, 2008, 12:30 PM

I think that cheating is only cheating if two people are in love. It sounds like (from what I've read) that this marriage has been over for a while and that both of you no longer care to make it work. Therefor you aren't really cheating if there is an understanding that it's over. Don't be hard on yourself.. as others have mentioned.. LIFE IS TOO SHORT!

So do what needs to be done and move on with your life. I hope you find what you are looking for.. everyone deserves a relationship worth fighting for and sometimes the one you are in just isn't.. This is the real world and I strongly believe that two people are not meant to be just because they got married. Sometimes marriage is a mistake and the most mature thing you can do is realize that and get out.
Good luck to you!!! I wish you the best in your new adventure.

bibliophile · Oct 5th, 2008, 12:37 PM

^^ Yup, ITA.

Anyway, it sounds as if you're decided that this mistake is symptomatic of what you really want - a divorce. If the both of you have indeed been seriously trying to work through your issues for 2 years and it's still not going anywhere, I'd be inclined to agree that it's time to move on. Good luck!

BagLadie · Oct 5th, 2008, 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by littlerock80

I think that cheating is only cheating if two people are in love. It sounds like (from what I've read) that this marriage has been over for a while and that both of you no longer care to make it work. Therefor you aren't really cheating if there is an understanding that it's over. Don't be hard on yourself.. as others have mentioned.. LIFE IS TOO SHORT!

So do what needs to be done and move on with your life. I hope you find what you are looking for.. everyone deserves a relationship worth fighting for and sometimes the one you are in just isn't.. This is the real world and I strongly believe that two people are not meant to be just because they got married. Sometimes marriage is a mistake and the most mature thing you can do is realize that and get out.
Good luck to you!!! I wish you the best in your new adventure.

Interesting post and I totally agree. The guilt won't be there if she isn't in love with her husband. Sometimes a relationship is over, regardless of how it legally stands.

killerstrawbery · Oct 5th, 2008, 01:26 PM

cheating is one of the worst things that can happen to someone. also, it means something is 'broken' in you, and it will ruin your DH's life.

save him the lifetime of heartache, and divorce him without telling him you cheated. and go get counseling for yourself

and next time, if there is a next time, divorce or breakup THEN find someone new

SPOILEDkiwi · Oct 5th, 2008, 01:36 PM

It sounds like your marriage is already over. If you can't work out your problems in two years, I don't think it's going to happen. I think you should separate from him and get the divorce process started immediately. Since the marriage is already over, you don't need to tell your husband or ask for his forgiveness unless you still want to salvage things.

littlerock80 · Oct 5th, 2008, 01:38 PM

KILLERSTRAWBERRY- It is only "one of the worst things that can happen to someone" if the two people are still in love and care about eachother. You are assuming that her husband is still in love with her. For all we know he has checked out of the relationship and doesn't care what she did.

I'm not saying that is the case but I;m trying to make a point that we don't know that cheating will hurt his feelings. If he is over it than he shouldn't care what she has done, kwim?

And another thing- Cheating DOES NOT mean that something is "broken in you" that is a very narrow minded way of thinking. Of course cheating is painful in most (I said most.. not all) cases but healthy, good hearted people sometimes make mistakes and it doesn't mean you are broken. Cheating HAS to be taken in context, every situation is different but you cannot label someone who has had an affair as broken. That is plain wrong. Sorry but it is.

christymarie340 · Oct 5th, 2008, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by killerstrawbery

cheating is one of the worst things that can happen to someone. also, it means something is 'broken' in you, and it will ruin your DH's life.

save him the lifetime of heartache, and divorce him without telling him you cheated. and go get counseling for yourself

and next time, if there is a next time, divorce or breakup THEN find someone new

something is "broken" in you? I couldn't disagree more and I think thats pretty harsh. we don't know her situation or his, and until you've walked in anothers shoes you shouldn't judge.

good luck in your situation bmc309

ChristyR143 · Oct 5th, 2008, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by littlerock80

KILLERSTRAWBERRY- It is only "one of the worst things that can happen to someone" if the two people are still in love and care about eachother. You are assuming that her husband is still in love with her. For all we know he has checked out of the relationship and doesn't care what she did.

I'm not saying that is the case but I;m trying to make a point that we don't know that cheating will hurt his feelings. If he is over it than he shouldn't care what she has done, kwim?

And another thing- Cheating DOES NOT mean that something is "broken in you" that is a very narrow minded way of thinking. Of course cheating is painful in most (I said most.. not all) cases but healthy, good hearted people sometimes make mistakes and it doesn't mean you are broken. Cheating HAS to be taken in context, every situation is different but you cannot label someone who has had an affair as broken. That is plain wrong. Sorry but it is.

I couldn't agree with you more.

So many women view cheating as a cut and dried issue, and frankly, it just isn't. Life can get very messy and so many other factors come into play with cheating. Obviously there are major issues going on in this marriage, and who's to say that the OP's husband hasn't 'cheated' as well?? The ONLY thing telling him about the fling is going to do is relieve her of the guilt, but in return, she's going to saddle him with it for the rest of his life (that is, if he still cares...who knows, he may not.) At any rate, IMO the only reason to tell about a one time affair is if there is any possiblity that he will find out from someone else. If not, then she needs to keep it to herself and live with her guilt and not burden anyone else with it.

Trystana · Oct 5th, 2008, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by littlerock80

KILLERSTRAWBERRY- It is only "one of the worst things that can happen to someone" if the two people are still in love and care about eachother. You are assuming that her husband is still in love with her. For all we know he has checked out of the relationship and doesn't care what she did.

I'm not saying that is the case but I;m trying to make a point that we don't know that cheating will hurt his feelings. If he is over it than he shouldn't care what she has done, kwim?

And another thing- Cheating DOES NOT mean that something is "broken in you" that is a very narrow minded way of thinking. Of course cheating is painful in most (I said most.. not all) cases but healthy, good hearted people sometimes make mistakes and it doesn't mean you are broken. Cheating HAS to be taken in context, every situation is different but you cannot label someone who has had an affair as broken. That is plain wrong. Sorry but it is.

great post!

ShelleyBaby · Oct 5th, 2008, 05:29 PM

I think you should divorce. If you really wanted things to work out, surely you'd have gone to a counselor by now.

Amberini · Oct 5th, 2008, 05:36 PM

As christymarie said, life is too short to be unhappy. You made a mistake, but we all do that sometimes, life isn't perfect.

You can either leave your marriage without telling your husband about your indisretion, to save him not being able to trust for a long time, or you can tell him then leave him. Which one's going to hurt more?

If you are in a loveless marriage there is no point in hurting him anymore as he will probably already feel bad enough.

Are you young, because maybe you're not ready for marriage. If you've done it once, you can do it again and when he finds out, because he will, it will break him.

Be true to yourself, but remember your H has feelings too, don't hurt them unecessarily.

This time you can put it down to too much drink and poor judgement, but don't go behind the man's back again, because that will lead to peoples' judgements.

killerstrawbery · Oct 5th, 2008, 05:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by littlerock80

KILLERSTRAWBERRY- It is only "one of the worst things that can happen to someone" if the two people are still in love and care about eachother. You are assuming that her husband is still in love with her. For all we know he has checked out of the relationship and doesn't care what she did.

I'm not saying that is the case but I;m trying to make a point that we don't know that cheating will hurt his feelings. If he is over it than he shouldn't care what she has done, kwim?

And another thing- Cheating DOES NOT mean that something is "broken in you" that is a very narrow minded way of thinking. Of course cheating is painful in most (I said most.. not all) cases but healthy, good hearted people sometimes make mistakes and it doesn't mean you are broken. Cheating HAS to be taken in context, every situation is different but you cannot label someone who has had an affair as broken. That is plain wrong. Sorry but it is.

nah, it definitely means something is broken.... or else you would break up or divorce first

go to survivinginfidelity website to learn more about cheating, why it happens, how to deal with it, and its effects on both parties

also, assuming that it wont hurt him is self-serving, when peoples lives and feelings are at stake its best not to do that

i also wanted to add that OP should get full STD testing done for both herself and her husband

Oct 5th, 2008, 10:31 AM	#17
moi et mes sacs Science Geek!	Spesking on practical terms now. If you really are ready for divorce as you keep saying, decide and go ahead and then get on with your life. Divorce is messy and adding adultery to the list will make it even messier. Good luck. __________________ If you never change your mind, why have one? Edward de Bono

Oct 5th, 2008, 12:05 PM	#18
sweet_pees Purse Junkie Location: NY	if you and your husband were having problems for a while already and had considered divorce, this accident probably led you to know that you really dont want to save this marriage anymore. if you did care about the marriage, you would not have done what you did. __________________ my Loves: http://forum.purseblog.com/your-bag-showcase/sweet_pees-loves-333-a-322002.html#post7023336

Oct 5th, 2008, 12:30 PM	#19
littlerock80 ~~Stop the Madness~~ Location: East Coast	I think that cheating is only cheating if two people are in love. It sounds like (from what I've read) that this marriage has been over for a while and that both of you no longer care to make it work. Therefor you aren't really cheating if there is an understanding that it's over. Don't be hard on yourself.. as others have mentioned.. LIFE IS TOO SHORT! So do what needs to be done and move on with your life. I hope you find what you are looking for.. everyone deserves a relationship worth fighting for and sometimes the one you are in just isn't.. This is the real world and I strongly believe that two people are not meant to be just because they got married. Sometimes marriage is a mistake and the most mature thing you can do is realize that and get out. Good luck to you!!! I wish you the best in your new adventure. __________________ ~Banned~ My collection is complete! Last edited by littlerock80; Oct 5th, 2008 at 12:34 PM.

Oct 5th, 2008, 01:36 PM	#23
SPOILEDkiwi not a kiwi! Location: NYC/Long Island	It sounds like your marriage is already over. If you can't work out your problems in two years, I don't think it's going to happen. I think you should separate from him and get the divorce process started immediately. Since the marriage is already over, you don't need to tell your husband or ask for his forgiveness unless you still want to salvage things. __________________ “It is the unseen, unforgettable, ultimate accessory of fashion that heralds your arrival and prolongs your departure.” --Coco Chanel

Oct 5th, 2008, 01:38 PM	#24
littlerock80 ~~Stop the Madness~~ Location: East Coast	KILLERSTRAWBERRY- It is only "one of the worst things that can happen to someone" if the two people are still in love and care about eachother. You are assuming that her husband is still in love with her. For all we know he has checked out of the relationship and doesn't care what she did. I'm not saying that is the case but I;m trying to make a point that we don't know that cheating will hurt his feelings. If he is over it than he shouldn't care what she has done, kwim? And another thing- Cheating DOES NOT mean that something is "broken in you" that is a very narrow minded way of thinking. Of course cheating is painful in most (I said most.. not all) cases but healthy, good hearted people sometimes make mistakes and it doesn't mean you are broken. Cheating HAS to be taken in context, every situation is different but you cannot label someone who has had an affair as broken. That is plain wrong. Sorry but it is. __________________ ~Banned~ My collection is complete!

Oct 5th, 2008, 12:37 PM	#20
bibliophile Newly obsessed	^^ Yup, ITA. Anyway, it sounds as if you're decided that this mistake is symptomatic of what you really want - a divorce. If the both of you have indeed been seriously trying to work through your issues for 2 years and it's still not going anywhere, I'd be inclined to agree that it's time to move on. Good luck!

Oct 5th, 2008, 01:26 PM	#22
killerstrawbery Sofa King Banned Location: Bmore	cheating is one of the worst things that can happen to someone. also, it means something is 'broken' in you, and it will ruin your DH's life. save him the lifetime of heartache, and divorce him without telling him you cheated. and go get counseling for yourself and next time, if there is a next time, divorce or breakup THEN find someone new

Oct 5th, 2008, 05:29 PM	#28
ShelleyBaby Member Location: Scotland	I think you should divorce. If you really wanted things to work out, surely you'd have gone to a counselor by now.

Oct 5th, 2008, 05:36 PM	#29
Amberini Amberini Bellini Location: UK	As christymarie said, life is too short to be unhappy. You made a mistake, but we all do that sometimes, life isn't perfect. You can either leave your marriage without telling your husband about your indisretion, to save him not being able to trust for a long time, or you can tell him then leave him. Which one's going to hurt more? If you are in a loveless marriage there is no point in hurting him anymore as he will probably already feel bad enough. Are you young, because maybe you're not ready for marriage. If you've done it once, you can do it again and when he finds out, because he will, it will break him. Be true to yourself, but remember your H has feelings too, don't hurt them unecessarily. This time you can put it down to too much drink and poor judgement, but don't go behind the man's back again, because that will lead to peoples' judgements. __________________ Well, at least he's taking care of things...