[meowgal]

I just started seeing someone, it's been approx one year since my last relationship ended. What can I say about the new boyfriend? We have absolutely nothing in common, I;m college educated and like to read, he doesn't and cannot like the idea of reading. He has to constantly stay moving, he doesn't like sitting still. We don't have the same tastes in music, or the sexual attraction/ chemistry just off the hook and I am loosing sight of everything else? I don't know. He writes love poetry for me, and loves me muchly like no one has loved me as much as he does.

On the other hand, I;ve motivated him to find a better job and go back to school.


I am so confused.


Can opposites really attract and stay together, or not? Or is it just incredibly great chemistry?

[bernz84]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I'm not a believer of opposites attracting...looks and sex aside, I don't think I can stay with someone if I had really nothing in common with him. Even for those couples I've witnessed that "say" they're exact opposites (), they usually had more important characteristics in common such as sharing the same values, beliefs, and approach to life, and that was what kept them together. For those who were truly opposite (having zero in common, aside from amazing sex), they usually didn't last very long...at least, from what I've seen.

Please don't take this the wrong way (as I know it is difficult to convey meaning/intonation through the internet), but what exactly do you see in him? Is it because he loves you and gives you more affection than any other guy you've met? Or do you have some things in common that you haven't explicated (other than music, education, etc)? Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between attraction and flattery...I'll admit, there were times when I thought I *did* like someone only to later realize that I would've never given him the time of day if he never paid attention to me. If you can't look past his non-desire to go to school as well as other things...maybe you're better off being friends. You can't change people or force them to do things that they wouldn't do in the first place. Change has to come from them, not other people.

[meowgal]

No, thank you Bernz84.

This is what I am trying to figure out. You are right, the sex is amazing, and I wonder if this is the thing that is holding him to me.

I am wondering if we are better off as friends. He does give me love like no one else ever has, and more affection, writes me poetry and tells me he cares about me and needs me, and I;ve made it possible for him to turn his life around. I just don't know., I need to do a lot of thinking and soul searching, that is why I posted in the first place.

[dusty paws]

I think a mixture of some similarities and some differences is the best option. I know that you can't go out there with blinders on looking for only someone who fits a specific criteria, but its good to have diversity in your relationship.

I'm Catholic, BF is very Jewish. I grew up in a mediocre family, his is rich. But we both have the same morals, values, ideas, musical tastes, etc. Its the mixture and variety that makes us work, KWIM? Best of luck to you in your relationship.

[wordpast]

I mean do you really like this guy? How long have you been seeing him?

My BF and I are opposites. I tend to be more liberal. He IS NOT! We don't like the same music or movies. We don't even have the same hobbies (he likes to be active, I'd rather read). I'm a indoor person. He loves the outside. He's an animal lover, me not so much. I'm a spender, he's a saver. But we've been growing strong for 8 years. Somehow we make it work. Even my friends and family are amazed! lol. I just love him, plain and simple. He makes me laugh, he's sweet and selfless. I do want to say it's about compromise. I'll do the things he likes to do and vice versa. As for as politics, we agree to disagree (sometimes the debates are fun though!)

The differences didn't bother me or affect our relationship. If you really like him, give it some time (a few months or so) to see if the differences really bother you.

[devoted]

SO and I have different political views, different interests, different personality traits, different culture/religion/family background. We usually like the same food, I guess that counts
....and no, sadly, the sex is not amazing we just "fit" each other. I'm cold, impatient, a loner and him being open, friendly, patient is exactly what I need. Opposites can make it work.

[LissiSays]

I understand your frustrations. I guess it all depends on the two people involved. I can only speak from experience. My previous SO and I had a lot of differences in the beginning and only a few similarities. He was into computers and I only knew how to browse the internet. We both liked to read but were into different styles of books. I loved to write and he couldn't stand it. I was generally a good student and he hated school work. I liked one style of music and he liked another. I was a hopeless romantic and he wasn't.

Your willingness (and his) to try new things is what can make opposites work. You might be complete opposites at first but if he is willing to try things you like then his interests can change (and so can yours). I didn't know much about computers but would listen to my ex SO when he talked about them. Eventually I started to learn and understood his interest. I got him to watch some of my girlie movies. Got him to try ice skating. He got me to listen to his type of music. We both molded each other, within limits, to the people we are today. We both got each other to try different foods. We learned our families different ways, etc.

If you both are not willing to try new things and learn from each other then I don't know if it would work out. You might not find any interests at first but could develop a few. Can you both carry a conversation with each other? That to me is sometimes more important that similarities. If you can't sit and talk about ANYTHING then there is nothing there but sex.

Although, him treating you properly is a great start (IMO). Sometimes it's less about who he is but more about how he makes you feel.

[devoted]

Originally Posted by LissiSays

Although, him treating you properly is a great start (IMO). Sometimes it's less about who he is but more about how he makes you feel.

perfect characterization. it describes my situation well, sometimes differences truly enhance a relationship, I doubt I could date someone who was as impatient and moody as myself.

[ImASadGiraffe]

I would say that DH and I are very dissimilar in the things we like. I like to read, he plays video games. I like dramatic movies, he likes comedies. I love the arts, he likes ESPN. But...he treats me really well, loves me for who I am, and while the sex isn't amazing now (it was when we started dating 4+ years ago), we connect on a deeper level, and it's not just "sex" now.

If the guy makes you feel wonderful and he treats you well, does it matter if you're not exactly the same person? Variety is the spice of life and perhaps you can both learn something from each other.

[simpleplan]

YES and NO??!! It's hard to explain. My DH and I are on the same level as far as our passion for discussing politics, current events, technology, cars, the media, books, etc.. I hate dramatic chessy movies and so does he..we both like independent films, and superb acting, cinematography, solid screenplays, the art of filmmaking..our sense of humor together is UNCANNY!..
He likes vid games and I love it that he's so darn good at it! I like to cook, he loves my cooking..
OUR temeraments are opposite.
He's lax when I'm so schoolgirl excited..then at times he's so strong and firm while I'm submissive and bendable. (no pun intended!)
Chemistry is out of this world!.. We have learned a lot from each other and I guess bottom line is/..
We complement each other's flaws and abilities- and WE KNOW IT..and appreciate each other and ACCEPT each other AS A WHOLE. We would create awesome children someday-we both know it! He gets me, and I get him..If I talk about it any more I'll friggin burst into tears .

[Demosthenes]

I think a lot of it depends on what you consider opposites. It's important to have different interests and personality traits, but I believe that they should complement each other.

True, polar opposites will inevitably end up butting heads once the initial euphoria of great sex wears off. Some opposites never work well together- I had a friend who was super liberal and hippy-ish that fell for a conservative racist. Trust me when I say that it ended badly.

DH and I can be considered "opposites," but it's milder and we work well together- I'm educated and brainy... he's the party guy that flirted his way through high school... I like arts and theatre... he likes football and UFC... stuff like that. But we're both caring and really receptive to each other's passions so now I'm into UFC too, and he watches the baby so I have time to work on my writing/editing. I think a willingness to accept each other's interests and traits makes all the difference. You can make it work, as long as there's something there beneath all of the chemistry.

Even if you're totally similar, if your relationship is only built on sex and chemistry and flattery, you'll eventually want out. Balance is key.

[guccimamma]

i think you need to date someone who balances your personality, say if you are outgoing..it is nice to have someone who is a bit quieter, or vica versa. i see that most successful long term couples have a balance.

does that mean opposite, not necessarily..i just don't think that you can always be competing on the same level. some do...but i think balance is what makes a relationship strong. everybody brings something to the table, just not the same things.

[Speedy]

I think it can. You get out of a relationship what you put into it.

DH and I are SOOO far apart... I mean, even strangers ask him if he's getting paid to take care of me, since they cannot see how in the heck we have a relationship. We have very little in common except our morals, our values and an undying love for each other. It works for us.

[pinkybear]

IMO no two people are completely the same.

opposite adds a little kick in the relationship. theres no fun in dating yourself.

what matters is you compliment each other despite the differences. you just have to accept and love him as he is. dont expect that'll he'll change cause then it will only lead to more problems. you wouldnt want someone who doesnt accept you as you are either.

if he does change awesome, if he doesnt love him anyway (if he's worth loving despite his quirks).

SO and I are the same and different in a lot of ways. we love school and both close to our family. im very conservative, all he talks about is sex. I am a neat freak, he's not... etc. early in the relationship it drove me nuts but you learn to compromise and accept things. at the end of the day you have to let things go coz you love that person.

[helium]

Mmm... i'm so sorry. I'm going to say something that you won't want to hear... but... no, I don't think so. Depends on what you mean by opposites... opposite interests (like what you like doing, for example if he likes sports and you like to read) could work out with a bit of sacrifice on both of your behalf. But opposite beliefs and goals in life, like he wants to go live in the mountains as a hippy and you want to live in a city... no, it's not going to work.

Even with opposite interests, it takes work. I'm lucky to have a found a boyfriend who for the most part have the same interests and a similar goal in life (he's doing med to be a doctor, i'm doing psych to be a psychologist), so we're working towards it together while playing the guitar and playing video games together. But I know some of my friends aren't dating guys with similar interests, one of them has a very on off relationship because neither of them wants to sacrifice anything for the other, if you know what I mean? Basically, she won't compromise her weekly drinking for him, and he won't compromise on his weekly fishing thing, and they just fight about it all the time, while another friend has worked out a happy medium for their interests.

So i'd say it takes a lot of work. Are you attracted to how different he is to you, or is it something deeper? If it's something deeper i'd say you have a chance, but if it's just how different he is... well... my parents fell apart because of that. My mum thought my dad was fascinating, but the differences in EVERYTHING ended up taking its toll.

But the MOST IMPORTANT thing... even if you don't read any of my post, please read this: don't listen too much to other people's opinions. They're just that, opinions. If you feel happy, if everything to you feels right, don't be convinced you'll break up soon! Lots of people have tons of opinions on teen love, and it really got to me a last year, but we're still together! So don't fret too much, listen and heed advice but don't let it take over your actions!