can an ex be your friend?...long story

takeoutbox · Dec 31st, 2007, 01:00 PM

i have an ex that i have known for 15 years, he was really in love with me for 12 years and we 'kind of' dated for 7-8 yrs? and when i broke up with him 3 years ago he went kinda crazy for awhile hating me and just really screwed him up. For most of the time that i've known him he was so special to me, i always thought of him as a brother/friend figure and knew that i would never end up with him, i just didn't feel strong romantic feelings for him.

he was my best best friend through out the rough years and had always been there for me, i knew the breakup really hurt him but i really needed to do it beucase i think he deserves someone who truly has romantic feelings for him not someone who loves him as a friend/brother....even though he was very mad at me, i alwasy thought that once he gets his life in order and gets over me we could be really good friends.

so it's been 4 yrs, he's now with a girl (i've never met her) but from what i gather and based on what he tells me he's really in love with her and he has a really great job and everything seems to be in order, but our friendship never came back. i asked to see him for coffee today, he came by, was really impatient with me and just had no time for me, i ran down and met him in my parking lot and i was so disappointed to see that he didn't even treat me the way an acquintance should be treated. i am happy for his achievements and wish him well. i still remember all the special days we had, will i ever get my friend back?

forever21 · Dec 31st, 2007, 01:12 PM

If he treated you really impatiently it probably means he's still not over you. You may get him back eventually, but he might need more time to heal.

takeoutbox · Dec 31st, 2007, 01:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by forever21

If he treated you really impatiently it probably means he's still not over you. You may get him back eventually, but he might need more time to heal.

he has healed, he has been in this long term relationship with this girl that he adores and his career is totally back on track. i'm just really sad that i've lost a dear friend. i've had a rough year and today definitely didn't help to end the year in a good way.

keya · Dec 31st, 2007, 01:43 PM

I'd try to let it go if I were you. Seeing you obviously reminds him of the hurt he felt when you broke up, plus you say he's happy now so I'd just let him be. If you wanted to keep his friendship you should've never gotten involved with him in the first place. Just my $0.02.

rainrowan · Dec 31st, 2007, 01:56 PM

Sorry you had a bad year... do you have any other friends to lean on for support?

Your guy friend probably still holds a grudge about the breakup. He was there for you for over a decade and got his heart broken... He may be upset you are coming around now when he's got a girlfriend... or his gf knew he was coming to see you and gave him a really hard time, so it upset him, who knows.

Out of respect for the guy and his gf, I'd say don't continue to do things with this guy without also inviting his gf... sounds like this guy has just picked up the pieces and wants to move on... I know it's hard but I think most of us have been in your position. I'd want to make sure not to cause the guy any more pain, by distancing myself and also think what my intentions are by wanting to stay in touch with him. The truth can be eye opening...

queenvictoria2 · Dec 31st, 2007, 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by takeoutbox

he has healed, he has been in this long term relationship with this girl that he adores and his career is totally back on track. i'm just really sad that i've lost a dear friend. i've had a rough year and today definitely didn't help to end the year in a good way.

I'm thinking deep down he probably HASN'T healed ... not really ... he may have moved on b/c he had no choice, but seeing you may have brought back too many emotions?
I would say just leave him be .... he may need more time and unfortunately it might not ever happen that you get your friend back really.

razorbackbelle0 · Dec 31st, 2007, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by queenvictoria2

I'm thinking deep down he probably HASN'T healed ... not really ... he may have moved on b/c he had no choice, but seeing you may have brought back too many emotions?
I would say just leave him be .... he may need more time and unfortunately it might not ever happen that you get your friend back really.

ITA. My boyfriend of 3 years, who I've known for five, was my best friend. he broke up with me, I moved to Florida, I moved back, and he wanted to pick things back up, but I was with someone else. Though we occasionally hang out-- with large groups of people, mind you-- it's still not the same and I don't think it ever will be. I do miss my friend, and I know where you're coming from. I wish I could say to give it time, but the truth of the matter is, it may not ever be the same.

Pias · Dec 31st, 2007, 03:53 PM

He might have healed or he might not. Whatever it is, it will never be the same. I have similar experience and I understand how you feel. But that is life. The best you can do for yourself and him is leaving him alone. Let it go.

merde111 · Dec 31st, 2007, 04:11 PM

Quote:

sounds like this guy has just picked up the pieces and wants to move on...

Yeah, to be honest it sounds to me like that is the case. He probably feels he is moving forward, has a good job and a new woman, and he may not want to think about the past. Respect his desire to move on in his life, and let it go. You can let him know that if he ever wants to contact you and restore your friendship, you're open to it, but you'll leave him alone otherwise and let him make the choice .

Speedy · Dec 31st, 2007, 06:06 PM

Sounds like he can't see you as a friend anymore. I'd just let him be. Maybe seeing you brought back a lot of the pain.

Hang in there, sometimes we are not meant to be friends with our ex's. Too much history.

Night Jasmine · Jan 1st, 2008, 01:27 AM

Quote:

Sounds like he can't see you as a friend anymore. I'd just let him be. Maybe seeing you brought back a lot of the pain.

Hang in there, sometimes we are not meant to be friends with our ex's. Too much history.

Ditto!

I'v tried being friends with an ex after the negative feelings had passed. He called me after several years and said he wanted to be friends. I seriously thought that things were great as the friendship was salvaged but he got wierd after a while. Sometimes friendly, at other times cold and dismissive although he was the one to initiate the calls etc. I guess he wasn't totally over the break-up or he wouldn't be acting that way. Best thing I could do for him and for me was to let him be.

Zophie · Jan 1st, 2008, 03:49 AM

I have one ex that I am friends with. He is really a sweet guy, but like you with your ex, I just didn't have the romantic feelings for him. I think he really deserves to have someone who is right for him, and that's not me. I have the problem though with trying to maintain a friendship with him that I feel like he still has romantic feelings for me, even after a bit of time. Even after we broke up and I made it very clear that I really loved him, but only as a friend and did not have the right feelings for him to be his gf anymore, he still tried to be intimate with me and told me it was okay if I just wanted casual sex. I wouldn't have broken up with him if I'd wanted to have sex with him again. I think that made it pretty clear that it wasn't going to happen again, but he still seems to have lingering feelings for me and it sort of makes me uncomfortable. Recently I found that on a message board he was posting about how long it's been since he's had sex (like anyone really needs to know that???) and other things that make me sort of feel weird about even talking to him.

So I have tried to maintain a friendship with him. I had trouble breaking up with him because I really care about him and considered him one of my best friends, but just didn't want to be his girlfriend. We even were friends before we dated, but it's hard to go back and be just friends after being boyfriend/girlfriend.

helium · Jan 1st, 2008, 04:26 AM

Nonono... you must let him go. I'm sorry... but if you hang around, he'll never properly heal. You might remind him of the days he really missed and by staying around you might even be hurting their relationship right now, especially if he still likes you deep down.

I never think two ex lovers can be friends unless it was an friendly, agreeable split. Otherwise, usually, one person just holds a grudge towards the other for dumping them, and that's never a good basis for friendship.

takeoutbox · Jan 1st, 2008, 05:00 PM

tks everyone for your replies... i guess i was unrealistic to hope for our friendship back. i just need to say good bye to my friend.

Megs · Jan 1st, 2008, 05:20 PM

It is hard to know if it can work out, but he sounds like he is not ready right now at all. I am sorry that he is not and you are, but in relationships many times we lose friends.

Dec 31st, 2007, 01:00 PM	#1
takeoutbox Member	can an ex be your friend?...long story i have an ex that i have known for 15 years, he was really in love with me for 12 years and we 'kind of' dated for 7-8 yrs? and when i broke up with him 3 years ago he went kinda crazy for awhile hating me and just really screwed him up. For most of the time that i've known him he was so special to me, i always thought of him as a brother/friend figure and knew that i would never end up with him, i just didn't feel strong romantic feelings for him. he was my best best friend through out the rough years and had always been there for me, i knew the breakup really hurt him but i really needed to do it beucase i think he deserves someone who truly has romantic feelings for him not someone who loves him as a friend/brother....even though he was very mad at me, i alwasy thought that once he gets his life in order and gets over me we could be really good friends. so it's been 4 yrs, he's now with a girl (i've never met her) but from what i gather and based on what he tells me he's really in love with her and he has a really great job and everything seems to be in order, but our friendship never came back. i asked to see him for coffee today, he came by, was really impatient with me and just had no time for me, i ran down and met him in my parking lot and i was so disappointed to see that he didn't even treat me the way an acquintance should be treated. i am happy for his achievements and wish him well. i still remember all the special days we had, will i ever get my friend back?

Dec 31st, 2007, 01:12 PM	#2
forever21 Member	Re: can an ex be your friend?...long story If he treated you really impatiently it probably means he's still not over you. You may get him back eventually, but he might need more time to heal.

Dec 31st, 2007, 01:43 PM	#4
keya Member	Re: can an ex be your friend?...long story I'd try to let it go if I were you. Seeing you obviously reminds him of the hurt he felt when you broke up, plus you say he's happy now so I'd just let him be. If you wanted to keep his friendship you should've never gotten involved with him in the first place. Just my $0.02.

Dec 31st, 2007, 01:56 PM	#5
rainrowan INFJ	Re: can an ex be your friend?...long story Sorry you had a bad year... do you have any other friends to lean on for support? Your guy friend probably still holds a grudge about the breakup. He was there for you for over a decade and got his heart broken... He may be upset you are coming around now when he's got a girlfriend... or his gf knew he was coming to see you and gave him a really hard time, so it upset him, who knows. Out of respect for the guy and his gf, I'd say don't continue to do things with this guy without also inviting his gf... sounds like this guy has just picked up the pieces and wants to move on... I know it's hard but I think most of us have been in your position. I'd want to make sure not to cause the guy any more pain, by distancing myself and also think what my intentions are by wanting to stay in touch with him. The truth can be eye opening... Last edited by rainrowan; Dec 31st, 2007 at 01:59 PM.

Dec 31st, 2007, 03:53 PM	#8
Pias Member	Re: can an ex be your friend?...long story He might have healed or he might not. Whatever it is, it will never be the same. I have similar experience and I understand how you feel. But that is life. The best you can do for yourself and him is leaving him alone. Let it go.

Dec 31st, 2007, 06:06 PM	#10
Speedy Sofa King Banned Location: N. California	Re: can an ex be your friend?...long story Sounds like he can't see you as a friend anymore. I'd just let him be. Maybe seeing you brought back a lot of the pain. Hang in there, sometimes we are not meant to be friends with our ex's. Too much history.

Jan 1st, 2008, 03:49 AM	#12
Zophie I <3 my Maltese! Location: New Orleans, LA	Re: can an ex be your friend?...long story I have one ex that I am friends with. He is really a sweet guy, but like you with your ex, I just didn't have the romantic feelings for him. I think he really deserves to have someone who is right for him, and that's not me. I have the problem though with trying to maintain a friendship with him that I feel like he still has romantic feelings for me, even after a bit of time. Even after we broke up and I made it very clear that I really loved him, but only as a friend and did not have the right feelings for him to be his gf anymore, he still tried to be intimate with me and told me it was okay if I just wanted casual sex. I wouldn't have broken up with him if I'd wanted to have sex with him again. I think that made it pretty clear that it wasn't going to happen again, but he still seems to have lingering feelings for me and it sort of makes me uncomfortable. Recently I found that on a message board he was posting about how long it's been since he's had sex (like anyone really needs to know that???) and other things that make me sort of feel weird about even talking to him. So I have tried to maintain a friendship with him. I had trouble breaking up with him because I really care about him and considered him one of my best friends, but just didn't want to be his girlfriend. We even were friends before we dated, but it's hard to go back and be just friends after being boyfriend/girlfriend. __________________

Jan 1st, 2008, 04:26 AM	#13
helium Member	Re: can an ex be your friend?...long story Nonono... you must let him go. I'm sorry... but if you hang around, he'll never properly heal. You might remind him of the days he really missed and by staying around you might even be hurting their relationship right now, especially if he still likes you deep down. I never think two ex lovers can be friends unless it was an friendly, agreeable split. Otherwise, usually, one person just holds a grudge towards the other for dumping them, and that's never a good basis for friendship.

Jan 1st, 2008, 05:00 PM	#14
takeoutbox Member	Re: can an ex be your friend?...long story tks everyone for your replies... i guess i was unrealistic to hope for our friendship back. i just need to say good bye to my friend.

Jan 1st, 2008, 05:20 PM	#15
Megs	Re: can an ex be your friend?...long story It is hard to know if it can work out, but he sounds like he is not ready right now at all. I am sorry that he is not and you are, but in relationships many times we lose friends. __________________ Enter our fabulous November giveaway sponsored by Adriana Castro!!!! Check out our latest press, Purse Blog in the Miami Herald!