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boxermom · Aug 19th, 2009, 11:48 AM

Your feelings and stress are real. Your bil had a terrible health crisis and it affects you and your dh--it's a tough situation. I hope you can find the strength to hang in there with him at your place until he can be more independent. If you all can agree on some goals and timelines it might be easier for you to get through this difficult time.

I'm always comparing my problems to others and thinking because mine aren't life-threatening, they don't count. But they do and your feelings are valid too.

Best wishes.

ami kio · Aug 19th, 2009, 12:21 PM

I completely feel for you, OP. IMO, you're right to be upset about the situation, and it's completely reasonable for you to rant about it.

Sadly, there really isn't any alternative other than caring for your BiL in the short term. The most important thing is for you & your DH to sit down and talk about how you're going to face this situation together. No BiL tugging one of your heartstrings with "woe is me" and pitting DH against you. You & DH need to present a firm united front and make it clear to BiL what your expectations are.

BagLadie · Aug 19th, 2009, 12:33 PM

Wow. Sorry but I don't agree with Charles and Dallas here. I wouldn't be happy in this situation either. Not sure what you can do - if anything though. You didn't marry this guy - you married his brother. Are there any other family that can help out? Like maybe he stays with you for 3 months and then maybe with his mother? Just so it wouldn't be as long as half a year! I know he's at his lowest point and just had a heart attack - I am not saying throw the guy out now - but at what point do you say no?? I wouldn't be thrilled with this either and I don't think you're a bitch. You're venting. I say hang in there and be there for him - but I would hope in a few months someone else is able to help out somehow.

Crystalina · Aug 19th, 2009, 01:01 PM

Thank you everyone for your opinions and comments. I agree this is the time to step up and help him, as you shouldn't kick a guy when he's down. It's just that I hate the fact that I HAVE to do this!!!

The most difficult part has been dealing with my DH. I've been having a hard time not being short with him---not because he or anyone else PLANNED this heart attack. But simply b/c DH insisted we help BIL out and let him stay in the first place.

UGH.

plain jane doe · Aug 19th, 2009, 01:41 PM

I remember the original thread about the BIL coming, before he had the heart attack, so I do have sympathy. You do have to suck it up and keep him, but at the same time I have some questions about the money side. Did you already pay the medical bill? Is there any reason in Canada why you would have to? They performed the emergency surgery already. Is there any reason why he can't be responsible for his own debt to the hospital the way anyone else in his situation would be? If this girlfriend is serious enough to be worth all the conflict, where is she? Why isn't she contributing something to his support? Who is paying his phone bill? Are you the only family that can support or care for him?

The poor guy has had a heart attack. So you really should take care of his housing and daily and prescription expenses. But he proved beforehand he was a leech, and a heart attack is not a free pass for that. I don't think you should be shelling out for any pampering and luxuries.

Crystalina · Aug 19th, 2009, 02:01 PM

Originally Posted by plain jane doe

I remember the original thread about the BIL coming, before he had the heart attack, so I do have sympathy. You do have to suck it up and keep him, but at the same time I have some questions about the money side. Did you already pay the medical bill? Is there any reason in Canada why you would have to? They performed the emergency surgery already. Is there any reason why he can't be responsible for his own debt to the hospital the way anyone else in his situation would be? If this girlfriend is serious enough to be worth all the conflict, where is she? Why isn't she contributing something to his support? Who is paying his phone bill? Are you the only family that can support or care for him?

The poor guy has had a heart attack. So you really should take care of his housing and daily and prescription expenses. But he proved beforehand he was a leech, and a heart attack is not a free pass for that. I don't think you should be shelling out for any pampering and luxuries.

Lots of great points here!

From what I understand, the girlfriend is back in Europe with her daughter. I guess this woman owns a bar and grill and it seems she's quite the lounge lizard. I'm not trying to be judgemental, but I think the drinking and smoking probably had a lot to do with the fact that he had such a huge heart attack at just 44 years old. I don't think the girlfriend's lifestyle is conducive to the way he needs to start living.

This weekend my BIL says he plans to call my MIL (his mom), tell her what happened and ask if she will sell some of the property she owns to pay for his surgery. In the meantime, my hubby says we will give him this week and weekend to heal up a bit, and then next week he will have to go to the interview my hubby will schedule for him, probably Tues.

plain jane doe · Aug 19th, 2009, 03:25 PM

Is it an option to ship him back to Europe after recovery? Sorry you are in this situation. I think the fact that your husband needs to schedule BIL's interview says a lot about it.

Crystalina · Aug 19th, 2009, 03:37 PM

Originally Posted by plain jane doe

Is it an option to ship him back to Europe after recovery? Sorry you are in this situation. I think the fact that your husband needs to schedule BIL's interview says a lot about it.

Yes, I am beginning to think that once he is cleared to be able to fly, he'll be able to go back to Europe. My gut tells me he'll go to the interview, do the training class and start the job, end up HATING it and HATING struggling for every penny, and move back where the girlfriend is. Knowing my BIL, he'll end up walking away from the medical debt he's wracked up in Canada if my MIL refuses to give him the $.

BIL also mentioned something odd this morning. He used to live in Montreal prior to moving to Europe. Anyway, the heart specialist he's been seeing in Vancouver actually did his residency in Montreal. BIL said, ''I will continue to see this specialst while I'm in vancouver, and if I go to Montreal, he has contacts he went to med school with that he can refer me to!'' LOL I'm hoping he'll move back to Montreal as he still has friends there.

juneping · Aug 19th, 2009, 05:04 PM

^^whoever dates him gets the worst...trust me.

illinirdhd · Aug 19th, 2009, 05:15 PM

I haven't followed your previous threads, but I'd say the BEST thing you could do right now is to try to be patient, and not take this out on your DH. It's not his fault either. You're both in a crappy situation that could have been avoided had your BIL lived his life differently, but that's just not the reality. I think you need to consider your marriage right now - paste on a smile and do this for your husband. No, it won't be easy, but vent to us rather than to DH. We all know how men shut down when we are upset by something they can't fix - taking this out on him might harm your relationship LONG after your BIL is out of your house. Be nice and hospitable, and hopefully he will recover (and get the heck out of your house) quickly.

MissVirgo · Aug 19th, 2009, 06:58 PM

Crystalina it sounds like such a crappy situation. The best thing to do for now is to lean on friends or this board to vent. Get it out so that you are not taking it out on the hubby or yourself. Help out now while he is healing, but make it very clear that their is a timeline and stick to it. Don't budge and don't feel guilty for wanting your own space back. I have no patience or respect for people who overstay their welcome. It's an insult to the person who is helping you. Just remember "Guests are like dead bodies. They began to stink after 3 days." Good luck!

Roo · Aug 19th, 2009, 07:23 PM

Its easy to lose sight of the compassionate part of this equation when you are dealing with irresponsible family members, especially inlaws. I have a brother not unlike the one described here and it's VERY hard at times for me to feel the appropriate amount of sympathy for him, even when it's warranted. It would be harder if it were an in-law. If it were me, I'd make it very easy for him to leave (ie, help with plane tickets/transport)- it may cost some $ now but in the long run it will be much cheaper financially and emotionally, IMO!

boxermom · Aug 19th, 2009, 08:29 PM

Originally Posted by Roo

Its easy to lose sight of the compassionate part of this equation when you are dealing with irresponsible family members, especially inlaws. I have a brother not unlike the one described here and it's VERY hard at times for me to feel the appropriate amount of sympathy for him, even when it's warranted. It would be harder if it were an in-law. If it were me, I'd make it very easy for him to leave (ie, help with plane tickets/transport)- it may cost some $ now but in the long run it will be much cheaper financially and emotionally, IMO!

Brilliant.

lurkingsmirk · Aug 19th, 2009, 09:04 PM

I can understand where you're coming from, OP. An unloveable guy who suffers a heart attack does not become suddenly more loveable. Family does have obligations to family, though. I think a good thing to do will be to set some ground rules so that you can be a good host and he will be a good guest. For example, he should not expect you to be his maid, chauffeur and chef, but if he can't take care of those things then he should contribute to the gas and groceries. It may sound harsh, but nicely going over these things in the beginning can prevent some hard feelings down the road.

Charles · Aug 19th, 2009, 09:22 PM

Ok, now that I was given more of the story, I can see where you're a bit peeved. Still, wishing the guy died is a bit much.
So help me understand Canada's health care. I thought it was free? Why can't he set up a payment plan? I see no reason why you guys would be stuck with the bill.

Aug 19th, 2009, 12:21 PM	#32
ami kio Member Joined: May 2006 Location: Down South Posts: 1,338	I completely feel for you, OP. IMO, you're right to be upset about the situation, and it's completely reasonable for you to rant about it. Sadly, there really isn't any alternative other than caring for your BiL in the short term. The most important thing is for you & your DH to sit down and talk about how you're going to face this situation together. No BiL tugging one of your heartstrings with "woe is me" and pitting DH against you. You & DH need to present a firm united front and make it clear to BiL what your expectations are.
	__________________ On a ban... unless I find something that stops me in my tracks. twitter

Aug 19th, 2009, 12:33 PM	#33
BagLadie Got a handle on it Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 7,002	Wow. Sorry but I don't agree with Charles and Dallas here. I wouldn't be happy in this situation either. Not sure what you can do - if anything though. You didn't marry this guy - you married his brother. Are there any other family that can help out? Like maybe he stays with you for 3 months and then maybe with his mother? Just so it wouldn't be as long as half a year! I know he's at his lowest point and just had a heart attack - I am not saying throw the guy out now - but at what point do you say no?? I wouldn't be thrilled with this either and I don't think you're a bitch. You're venting. I say hang in there and be there for him - but I would hope in a few months someone else is able to help out somehow.
	__________________ If life hands you lemons, make a vodka and lemonade. Then use the rest on your elbows.

Aug 19th, 2009, 01:01 PM	#34
Crystalina OP Member Joined: Mar 2007 Location: West Coast Posts: 712	Thank you everyone for your opinions and comments. I agree this is the time to step up and help him, as you shouldn't kick a guy when he's down. It's just that I hate the fact that I HAVE to do this!!! The most difficult part has been dealing with my DH. I've been having a hard time not being short with him---not because he or anyone else PLANNED this heart attack. But simply b/c DH insisted we help BIL out and let him stay in the first place. UGH.
	__________________ ''Beauty fades, dumb is forever.'' ~ Judge Judy

Aug 19th, 2009, 01:41 PM	#35
plain jane doe Member Joined: Aug 2008 Posts: 1,570	I remember the original thread about the BIL coming, before he had the heart attack, so I do have sympathy. You do have to suck it up and keep him, but at the same time I have some questions about the money side. Did you already pay the medical bill? Is there any reason in Canada why you would have to? They performed the emergency surgery already. Is there any reason why he can't be responsible for his own debt to the hospital the way anyone else in his situation would be? If this girlfriend is serious enough to be worth all the conflict, where is she? Why isn't she contributing something to his support? Who is paying his phone bill? Are you the only family that can support or care for him? The poor guy has had a heart attack. So you really should take care of his housing and daily and prescription expenses. But he proved beforehand he was a leech, and a heart attack is not a free pass for that. I don't think you should be shelling out for any pampering and luxuries.
plain jane doe Member Joined: Aug 2008 Posts: 1,570

Aug 19th, 2009, 03:25 PM	#37
plain jane doe Member Joined: Aug 2008 Posts: 1,570	Is it an option to ship him back to Europe after recovery? Sorry you are in this situation. I think the fact that your husband needs to schedule BIL's interview says a lot about it.
plain jane doe Member Joined: Aug 2008 Posts: 1,570

Aug 19th, 2009, 11:48 AM	#31
boxermom Member Joined: Aug 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 13,689	Your feelings and stress are real. Your bil had a terrible health crisis and it affects you and your dh--it's a tough situation. I hope you can find the strength to hang in there with him at your place until he can be more independent. If you all can agree on some goals and timelines it might be easier for you to get through this difficult time. I'm always comparing my problems to others and thinking because mine aren't life-threatening, they don't count. But they do and your feelings are valid too. Best wishes.

Aug 19th, 2009, 05:04 PM	#39
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,337	^^whoever dates him gets the worst...trust me.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Aug 19th, 2009, 05:15 PM	#40
illinirdhd Sofa King Hooked Joined: Dec 2007 Location: New to the Philadelphia area! Posts: 5,738	I haven't followed your previous threads, but I'd say the BEST thing you could do right now is to try to be patient, and not take this out on your DH. It's not his fault either. You're both in a crappy situation that could have been avoided had your BIL lived his life differently, but that's just not the reality. I think you need to consider your marriage right now - paste on a smile and do this for your husband. No, it won't be easy, but vent to us rather than to DH. We all know how men shut down when we are upset by something they can't fix - taking this out on him might harm your relationship LONG after your BIL is out of your house. Be nice and hospitable, and hopefully he will recover (and get the heck out of your house) quickly.
	__________________ Our baby boy was born on August 21!

Aug 19th, 2009, 06:58 PM	#41
MissVirgo Member Joined: Aug 2009 Location: Somewhere Over the Rainbow Posts: 696	Crystalina it sounds like such a crappy situation. The best thing to do for now is to lean on friends or this board to vent. Get it out so that you are not taking it out on the hubby or yourself. Help out now while he is healing, but make it very clear that their is a timeline and stick to it. Don't budge and don't feel guilty for wanting your own space back. I have no patience or respect for people who overstay their welcome. It's an insult to the person who is helping you. Just remember "Guests are like dead bodies. They began to stink after 3 days." Good luck!
	__________________ "At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want." ---Lao Tzu

Aug 19th, 2009, 07:23 PM	#42
Roo au courant Joined: Apr 2006 Location: Rue Roo Posts: 12,708	Its easy to lose sight of the compassionate part of this equation when you are dealing with irresponsible family members, especially inlaws. I have a brother not unlike the one described here and it's VERY hard at times for me to feel the appropriate amount of sympathy for him, even when it's warranted. It would be harder if it were an in-law. If it were me, I'd make it very easy for him to leave (ie, help with plane tickets/transport)- it may cost some $ now but in the long run it will be much cheaper financially and emotionally, IMO!
	__________________ When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around. --Willie Nelson

Aug 19th, 2009, 09:04 PM	#44
lurkingsmirk Member Joined: Aug 2008 Posts: 107	I can understand where you're coming from, OP. An unloveable guy who suffers a heart attack does not become suddenly more loveable. Family does have obligations to family, though. I think a good thing to do will be to set some ground rules so that you can be a good host and he will be a good guest. For example, he should not expect you to be his maid, chauffeur and chef, but if he can't take care of those things then he should contribute to the gas and groceries. It may sound harsh, but nicely going over these things in the beginning can prevent some hard feelings down the road.
lurkingsmirk Member Joined: Aug 2008 Posts: 107

Aug 19th, 2009, 09:22 PM	#45
Charles Sucks at budgeting Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Fl Posts: 6,190	Ok, now that I was given more of the story, I can see where you're a bit peeved. Still, wishing the guy died is a bit much. So help me understand Canada's health care. I thought it was free? Why can't he set up a payment plan? I see no reason why you guys would be stuck with the bill.
	__________________

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