Broken Up but the Hope Lingering SUCKS.

Maryanne007 · Oct 4th, 2008, 05:30 PM

It seems from the posts lately that everyone is breaking up... My 2+ year relationship just ended a few days ago, and I am in a whirlwind of emotion. I know that is only natural, but the worst part of it all is that he sent me an email a few days after the breakup basically saying that he wants us to work out in the end, and thinks that this time apart will hopefully give us a fresh start. Also saying we should keep in touch. Ugh, I am so frustrated, I think its crap, and I feel a break up is a break up, and there should be no contact, and no discussion of hope for the future. At the same time, I did feel better because I felt like maybe we would get back together someday. But now that I see his facebook profile says single, and not hearing from him for a few days, I know its over over. I am ranting. This just sucks, and for all you girls going through the breakups, I hope we all feel better soon.

keya · Oct 4th, 2008, 05:45 PM

Honestly, to me it sounds like your ex wants you to linger in the hopes of getting back together while he's "single" with everything that comes with the territory. I get the impression that a lot of guys does this, they don't want to be with their ex, but they don't want anyone else to be either. I know it sucks, I'm sorry you have to go through this.

BagLadie · Oct 4th, 2008, 06:18 PM

Sorry - I know how hard this is. I think things like "facebook" make these situations worse. I miss the good old days of calling and hanging up!

moi et mes sacs · Oct 4th, 2008, 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BagLadie

Sorry - I know how hard this is. I think things like "facebook" make these situations worse. I miss the good old days of calling and hanging up!

I totally agree bagladie.

Maryanne I am sorry you are having a tough time. Concentrate on you, pamper yourself and feel better soon,

Maryanne007 · Oct 4th, 2008, 07:20 PM

I have to see him tomorrow to exchange all the stuff we had at each other's places. I dont know what to do. A part of me feels like I need some closure or something and wish I could keep talking to him about it forever, the other part knows, this is all destructive for me. We were happy for so long and then things went downhill, but there was always a part of me that thought he was the one. I just dont know how to get over this. I know everyone says time will heal, and I am sure it will... I just feel like a train wreck in the meantime. I cant seem to really accept that we are really broken up. Sigh.

sinny1 · Oct 4th, 2008, 07:52 PM

AMEN to that sista! Facebook and myspace are horrible. It makes guys being idiots even easier, with a click on the mouse. I had this happen to me in my break up before, basically he wants to know he can "check" around and still have you at the end if all fails.. I stuck around as friends for those months, were together now, and its completely different. I stood my ground, and i always made it clear to him that i wasnt a last option kinda gal. When he saw i wasnt gonna take that BS he came around and has stood here for a couple years..If he ever decides to give that BS again, i wouldnt turn back, id be done in the sence of 'WAITING". Now i look back on it and wish i could of enjoyed those months for myself and had FUN. My advice is, have FUN enjoy being single in a safe way.. The more u have hope, the more u think about it, the slower it will go trust me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BagLadie

Sorry - I know how hard this is. I think things like "facebook" make these situations worse. I miss the good old days of calling and hanging up!

ShelleyBaby · Oct 4th, 2008, 08:03 PM

Hell no! He's filling your head with hope becasue he doesn't want you to go anywhere. Meanwhile, he'll be out there trying and failing to find someone better. I'm sorry, but you are way better than that and if he were to get in touch again, I'd tell him you don't want to hear it and that you plan to move on and up!

He cannot have his cake and eat it too!

dallas · Oct 4th, 2008, 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BagLadie

Sorry - I know how hard this is. I think things like "facebook" make these situations worse. I miss the good old days of calling and hanging up!

Ah yes, the memories ... I miss the good old days.

Maryanne, I know it's rough, but please remember to look after yourself and take it one day at a time. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but everything will work out exactly as it should. We are here for you. Big hugs.

daphodill84 · Oct 4th, 2008, 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maryanne007

I have to see him tomorrow to exchange all the stuff we had at each other's places. I dont know what to do. A part of me feels like I need some closure or something and wish I could keep talking to him about it forever, the other part knows, this is all destructive for me. We were happy for so long and then things went downhill, but there was always a part of me that thought he was the one. I just dont know how to get over this. I know everyone says time will heal, and I am sure it will... I just feel like a train wreck in the meantime. I cant seem to really accept that we are really broken up. Sigh.

*hug*

Sorry you are going through this, Maryanne. I went through the same thing a recent while ago, and it was very difficult... I know exactly what you mean about wanting closure, but you know that if you keep on trying to talk it out, the closure will never come. The best thing to do is just to let it go and keep yourself busy. It's not the closure you want, but after a while you'll stop wanting the closure.

And you know what? After I stopped missing him and wanting him back, he came back... so you never know :) We're all here for you girl!

gitwenty5 · Oct 5th, 2008, 12:46 AM

my recent ex is a total loser.

After he broke up with me (oh yeah, 1 week after buying me a ring, moving to Hong Kong for me, his cat was still at my house!), he told me we have "fundamental differences" that "cannot be resolved".. and claims "he'd rather be at home and unhappy and work it out on his own than drag me down" and that i am "amazing and get work done and is doing well and he's broke and unemployed".

A week later I found out he hooked up with a girl that was hitting on him on facebook from Hong Kong.

That's the real "fundamental differences".

I was stupid enough to believe that he was just "lost" and begged him to return as long as he left the girl. Of course that's not true.

Anyway, I made myself kill all the hopes in the world. I flushed him off my life (facebook/phone/msn/aim, etc. I deleted his brother's too.. nothing wrong with his bro and his bro was on my side, but meh).

A few months later, my friends told me he's "engaged" to the girl on facebook. I was like OMG

Wow, so much for commitments! I'm glad I got out of this deal early.. engagement after meeting for 5 months?? With an unemployed 22 year old?!

Anyway, fast forward a few more months, I now date a wonderful man who is responsible and loving. A guy who respects my career as I respect his. No pedestal worshipping, just acceptance and compromises.

And my loser ex-bf started msging me again! since i blocked him on msn and facebook and AIM, he had to sink to a new low of msging me via..GTalk

Tries to initiate conversations by some weird question... i was just like whatever

As my bff said "he must realize unemployed 22-year-olds do not offer real partnership so he had to get engaged to keep his life interesting... now even that's wearing thin so he wants more drama"

Maryanne007 · Oct 5th, 2008, 08:42 PM

Thanks for all the sweet thoughts and encouragement. Saw him today, it was so much harder than I thought it would be. Again the hope is lingering and I wish I could just completely quash it, but it is probably what is keeping me from completely falling apart at the moment. He even suggested just dating for a while but not being together!? WTF? I was so mad. Obviously I said I could not do that, and that I wasnt sure how much "keeping in touch" I was willing to do. But then we both started crying and he kept saying that he believed that this time will be good for us ultimately, and that we shouldnt burn bridges, and that we would see each other again soon. Like I said a part of me just feels like he is keeping me on as some sort of backup, or saying the things he's saying cause he's not necessarily ready to see me go completely yet (though wants the freedom to do what he wants) but the other part of me knows that his tears were genuine and that we really have shared a lot and that things were not necessarily going well for a while now. I know this is the best thing to do, but it feels awful, and I dont know how to move on and let go, when in the back of my mind, I feel like I am still going to hope that we will get back together one day. I've been trying to keep busy by going out with my single gfs, but when I see what the market for guys has to offer, I get even more upset. Worse yet, one of my guy friends who I am totally uninterested in, tried to take advantage of my vulnerability and made a pass at me. I am still so infuriated at him for that. This is so hard. I dont know what to do with myself.

Bag_obsession · Oct 5th, 2008, 09:44 PM

I am sorry, it just seems like he wants to keep you around to ease the break-up for himself. He wants his freedom, but wants to know that you are still there waiting for him. Frankly, that will be emotionally unhealthy for you because you can't heal from the breakup by allowing him to string you along. Seeing you and continuing contact is something that will make him feel better going through this process, but will it just make you miserable? Think about what will be healthy for you.

The worst thing that can happen is you will continue to build hope that you will get back together and get hurt all over again if/when he decides he is completely over you and decides to move on...It's a risk I wouldn't be willing to take. One heartbreak is bad enough, you don't want to allow him to do this to you again. Take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to make decisions that will protect your heart in the long-run! Be strong & good luck moving forward.

aliburke84 · Oct 6th, 2008, 10:33 AM

facebook is the total worst thing ever. i turned my chat feature off because i couldnt stand seeing him on my buddy list. i never look up his profile. but he updated something the other day and seeing him on my list of updated friends made my heart sink. i know how you feel :(

i found this article on yahoo.com today and i felt like it was posted there for me. it's not exactly full of good and hopeful things, but it was somewhat of a possible explanation for why guys do things.

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/si...1kaWcEenoDYWJj

hope sucks, but i've let go of any that i held onto

it makes it easier i think...

Maryanne007 · Oct 6th, 2008, 11:08 AM

^^ Hi Ali, I read your whole thread last night and was thinking about how all of us are going through the same thing. It sucks so badly. I thought I was doing ok, but when I woke up this morning, I just feel like the world is ending. I know it will be ok eventually, and I will probably find someone better out there for me. But the thing is I know we broke up because he wasnt ready to settle down - that is obvious, but you still then think to yourself, well when he is, can't we get back together?? Ugh, it just sucks so much. I dont know how you go from talking to this person you loved every single day for years, to not at all, and feeling like it will be ok somehow. Friends are there but I feel bad being depressed all the time... Its only been a week, but, it feels like its been an eternity, and I keep trying to make myself believe its over, but I am still in denial, which is further spiraling me into depression. How are things with you now that a few weeks have passed?

aliburke84 · Oct 6th, 2008, 11:35 AM

Wow yeah seriously I feel the same way. HOW can you just not talk to him everyday?! How can you not call him before you go to bed at night??? Waking up in the morning is the worst part. I would wake up those first two weeks and just lay in the darkness while the memory of what had just happened came rushing back to me. I honestly think G broke up with me because he wasn't ready to settle down either and he convinced himself that the reason was because I wasn't right for him. He said that if he was ready he would know it but I just don't think that's true because somtimes people aren't ready for years and you just don't have to know it right away...even though you have been together for a while already.

I like this part of that article that I posted above:
"Until we grow up, mark everything off our checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real."
I'm not sure how old you are, but at my age (23/24) guys are so immature and think that they really have a checklist to live by and that they have to be single to "mark things off"

I like this part a lot too
"From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled "Evidence She'll Change for the Worse." We flip through that file whenever we're trying to decide if we want to hang on to the relationship. Blame our married friends who took the plunge before us, but many single men are hyperaware of what could go wrong down the road. Even if we're crazy about you now,
we panic that you'll pack on the pounds and nag us day and night.
So we secretly flag certain things that might be a harbinger of bad things to come."
I never "nagged" G, and I am positive that he wasn't worried about me packing on the pounds, but I'm sure there were things that he started thinking of as soon as his negative thinking about us began. We had our share of fights (mostly when we were both incredibly drunk) but we always got over them. Maybe when he started worrying about where we were headed he started remembering all these things that were very much in the past and bringing them back to life.

This also seems to hit true to life for me at least:
"She was the first girl I was serious with, and I didn't like letting someone have that much power over me. I was starting to feel emotionally needy, and that was uncomfortable for me," he recalls. "So I ditched her to save myself!"

G said he was unhappy because he considered what I would think or feel before he did anything. He said that he wanted to be able to make decisions based alone on what HE wanted and not what anyone else thought or wanted. He said he wants to be himself...which hurts like hell because I thought he was being himself and OF COURSE want nothing less than for him to be himself. I don't know why he feels he has to do that without me, but I guess he felt I had too much power over him, like the quote above.

I am here for you

Oct 4th, 2008, 05:30 PM	#1
Maryanne007 Member	Broken Up but the Hope Lingering SUCKS. It seems from the posts lately that everyone is breaking up... My 2+ year relationship just ended a few days ago, and I am in a whirlwind of emotion. I know that is only natural, but the worst part of it all is that he sent me an email a few days after the breakup basically saying that he wants us to work out in the end, and thinks that this time apart will hopefully give us a fresh start. Also saying we should keep in touch. Ugh, I am so frustrated, I think its crap, and I feel a break up is a break up, and there should be no contact, and no discussion of hope for the future. At the same time, I did feel better because I felt like maybe we would get back together someday. But now that I see his facebook profile says single, and not hearing from him for a few days, I know its over over. I am ranting. This just sucks, and for all you girls going through the breakups, I hope we all feel better soon.

Oct 4th, 2008, 05:45 PM	#2
keya Member	Honestly, to me it sounds like your ex wants you to linger in the hopes of getting back together while he's "single" with everything that comes with the territory. I get the impression that a lot of guys does this, they don't want to be with their ex, but they don't want anyone else to be either. I know it sucks, I'm sorry you have to go through this. __________________ No more shoes for me this year. Checking in to CCLO as of right now

Oct 4th, 2008, 06:18 PM	#3
BagLadie Got a handle on it Location: Red Sox Nation	Sorry - I know how hard this is. I think things like "facebook" make these situations worse. I miss the good old days of calling and hanging up! __________________ One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. - Bob Marley

Oct 5th, 2008, 09:44 PM	#12
Bag_obsession LV and MJ obsession	I am sorry, it just seems like he wants to keep you around to ease the break-up for himself. He wants his freedom, but wants to know that you are still there waiting for him. Frankly, that will be emotionally unhealthy for you because you can't heal from the breakup by allowing him to string you along. Seeing you and continuing contact is something that will make him feel better going through this process, but will it just make you miserable? Think about what will be healthy for you. The worst thing that can happen is you will continue to build hope that you will get back together and get hurt all over again if/when he decides he is completely over you and decides to move on...It's a risk I wouldn't be willing to take. One heartbreak is bad enough, you don't want to allow him to do this to you again. Take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to make decisions that will protect your heart in the long-run! Be strong & good luck moving forward. __________________ LV Wishlist: Mahina XL Damier Neverfull GM Souple Whisper GM Mono Speedy 35 Epi Speedy 30 (Red) Marc Jacobs Wishlist: Dark Plum Stam! Current LV Collection: Mono Speedy 25 Damier Speedy Ebene 30 Mono Neverfull MM Galliera PM Mono Keepall 55 Accessories: Damier Cles, Mono Cles,

Oct 6th, 2008, 10:33 AM	#13
aliburke84 Member Location: JC/NYC	facebook is the total worst thing ever. i turned my chat feature off because i couldnt stand seeing him on my buddy list. i never look up his profile. but he updated something the other day and seeing him on my list of updated friends made my heart sink. i know how you feel :( i found this article on yahoo.com today and i felt like it was posted there for me. it's not exactly full of good and hopeful things, but it was somewhat of a possible explanation for why guys do things. http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/si...1kaWcEenoDYWJj hope sucks, but i've let go of any that i held onto it makes it easier i think... __________________

Oct 4th, 2008, 07:20 PM	#5
Maryanne007 Member	I have to see him tomorrow to exchange all the stuff we had at each other's places. I dont know what to do. A part of me feels like I need some closure or something and wish I could keep talking to him about it forever, the other part knows, this is all destructive for me. We were happy for so long and then things went downhill, but there was always a part of me that thought he was the one. I just dont know how to get over this. I know everyone says time will heal, and I am sure it will... I just feel like a train wreck in the meantime. I cant seem to really accept that we are really broken up. Sigh.

Oct 4th, 2008, 08:03 PM	#7
ShelleyBaby Member Location: Scotland	Hell no! He's filling your head with hope becasue he doesn't want you to go anywhere. Meanwhile, he'll be out there trying and failing to find someone better. I'm sorry, but you are way better than that and if he were to get in touch again, I'd tell him you don't want to hear it and that you plan to move on and up! He cannot have his cake and eat it too!

Oct 5th, 2008, 12:46 AM	#10
gitwenty5 Member Location: Hong Kong	my recent ex is a total loser. After he broke up with me (oh yeah, 1 week after buying me a ring, moving to Hong Kong for me, his cat was still at my house!), he told me we have "fundamental differences" that "cannot be resolved".. and claims "he'd rather be at home and unhappy and work it out on his own than drag me down" and that i am "amazing and get work done and is doing well and he's broke and unemployed". A week later I found out he hooked up with a girl that was hitting on him on facebook from Hong Kong. That's the real "fundamental differences". I was stupid enough to believe that he was just "lost" and begged him to return as long as he left the girl. Of course that's not true. Anyway, I made myself kill all the hopes in the world. I flushed him off my life (facebook/phone/msn/aim, etc. I deleted his brother's too.. nothing wrong with his bro and his bro was on my side, but meh). A few months later, my friends told me he's "engaged" to the girl on facebook. I was like OMG Wow, so much for commitments! I'm glad I got out of this deal early.. engagement after meeting for 5 months?? With an unemployed 22 year old?! Anyway, fast forward a few more months, I now date a wonderful man who is responsible and loving. A guy who respects my career as I respect his. No pedestal worshipping, just acceptance and compromises. And my loser ex-bf started msging me again! since i blocked him on msn and facebook and AIM, he had to sink to a new low of msging me via..GTalk Tries to initiate conversations by some weird question... i was just like whatever As my bff said "he must realize unemployed 22-year-olds do not offer real partnership so he had to get engaged to keep his life interesting... now even that's wearing thin so he wants more drama"

Oct 5th, 2008, 08:42 PM	#11
Maryanne007 Member	Thanks for all the sweet thoughts and encouragement. Saw him today, it was so much harder than I thought it would be. Again the hope is lingering and I wish I could just completely quash it, but it is probably what is keeping me from completely falling apart at the moment. He even suggested just dating for a while but not being together!? WTF? I was so mad. Obviously I said I could not do that, and that I wasnt sure how much "keeping in touch" I was willing to do. But then we both started crying and he kept saying that he believed that this time will be good for us ultimately, and that we shouldnt burn bridges, and that we would see each other again soon. Like I said a part of me just feels like he is keeping me on as some sort of backup, or saying the things he's saying cause he's not necessarily ready to see me go completely yet (though wants the freedom to do what he wants) but the other part of me knows that his tears were genuine and that we really have shared a lot and that things were not necessarily going well for a while now. I know this is the best thing to do, but it feels awful, and I dont know how to move on and let go, when in the back of my mind, I feel like I am still going to hope that we will get back together one day. I've been trying to keep busy by going out with my single gfs, but when I see what the market for guys has to offer, I get even more upset. Worse yet, one of my guy friends who I am totally uninterested in, tried to take advantage of my vulnerability and made a pass at me. I am still so infuriated at him for that. This is so hard. I dont know what to do with myself.

Oct 6th, 2008, 11:08 AM	#14
Maryanne007 Member	^^ Hi Ali, I read your whole thread last night and was thinking about how all of us are going through the same thing. It sucks so badly. I thought I was doing ok, but when I woke up this morning, I just feel like the world is ending. I know it will be ok eventually, and I will probably find someone better out there for me. But the thing is I know we broke up because he wasnt ready to settle down - that is obvious, but you still then think to yourself, well when he is, can't we get back together?? Ugh, it just sucks so much. I dont know how you go from talking to this person you loved every single day for years, to not at all, and feeling like it will be ok somehow. Friends are there but I feel bad being depressed all the time... Its only been a week, but, it feels like its been an eternity, and I keep trying to make myself believe its over, but I am still in denial, which is further spiraling me into depression. How are things with you now that a few weeks have passed?

Oct 6th, 2008, 11:35 AM	#15
aliburke84 Member Location: JC/NYC	Wow yeah seriously I feel the same way. HOW can you just not talk to him everyday?! How can you not call him before you go to bed at night??? Waking up in the morning is the worst part. I would wake up those first two weeks and just lay in the darkness while the memory of what had just happened came rushing back to me. I honestly think G broke up with me because he wasn't ready to settle down either and he convinced himself that the reason was because I wasn't right for him. He said that if he was ready he would know it but I just don't think that's true because somtimes people aren't ready for years and you just don't have to know it right away...even though you have been together for a while already. I like this part of that article that I posted above: "Until we grow up, mark everything off our checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real." I'm not sure how old you are, but at my age (23/24) guys are so immature and think that they really have a checklist to live by and that they have to be single to "mark things off" I like this part a lot too "From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled "Evidence She'll Change for the Worse." We flip through that file whenever we're trying to decide if we want to hang on to the relationship. Blame our married friends who took the plunge before us, but many single men are hyperaware of what could go wrong down the road. Even if we're crazy about you now, we panic that you'll pack on the pounds and nag us day and night. So we secretly flag certain things that might be a harbinger of bad things to come." I never "nagged" G, and I am positive that he wasn't worried about me packing on the pounds, but I'm sure there were things that he started thinking of as soon as his negative thinking about us began. We had our share of fights (mostly when we were both incredibly drunk) but we always got over them. Maybe when he started worrying about where we were headed he started remembering all these things that were very much in the past and bringing them back to life. This also seems to hit true to life for me at least: "She was the first girl I was serious with, and I didn't like letting someone have that much power over me. I was starting to feel emotionally needy, and that was uncomfortable for me," he recalls. "So I ditched her to save myself!" G said he was unhappy because he considered what I would think or feel before he did anything. He said that he wanted to be able to make decisions based alone on what HE wanted and not what anyone else thought or wanted. He said he wants to be himself...which hurts like hell because I thought he was being himself and OF COURSE want nothing less than for him to be himself. I don't know why he feels he has to do that without me, but I guess he felt I had too much power over him, like the quote above. I am here for you __________________