[MissTiss]

What do they mean and how do you handle them?

My boyfriend asked for time and distance to figure things out (with us). We haven't been dating very long (two months), but have known each other for years (20). I admit my feelings for him run far deeper than his do for me so I want to wait this out, but my heart is really hurting and I go back and forth between telling him to get a grip and make a damn decision and just waiting it out. I have deliberately left him alone since his request (2/13). That has been the most difficult as I just don't do well sitting around and waiting. He did contact me once and we had a few minute small talk conversation on IM and that's been pretty much it. I'm really hurting because we started out great. He'd call for no reason, send a random I miss you text...and now we have literally gone days without two words...

The advice my friends have given me vary: give him time, give up, move on, etc.... I really have no idea what to do. My heart says this is going to be so right...but it's all going so very wrong...


Background: We are both 29, have many of the same likes and dislikes, can talk for hours (up until recently) and make each other laugh a lot. Neither of us have been married although we have both been previously engaged (to other people). Mine was about 4 years ago, his about a year and a half. Neither of us are serial daters and he expressed that he felt such a connection that he felt he didn't have to look anymore...that was then...of course...

Any ideas? Guys chime in too, please.

[eeyore]

^ give him time...and as hard as it is, you have to move forward. It's so much easier to say than it is to actually do.

I just finished reading "It's called a breakup because it's broken" and "he's just not that into you" for the 10th time and the best advice I got out of it is the 60 day rule. No contact under any circumstances for 60 days. It gives both parties a time to think clearly, but most importantly, yourself.

[MissTiss]

Originally Posted by eeyore

^ give him time...and as hard as it is, you have to move forward. It's so much easier to say than it is to actually do.

I just finished reading "It's called a breakup because it's broken" and "he's just not that into you" for the 10th time and the best advice I got out of it is the 60 day rule. No contact under any circumstances for 60 days. It gives both parties a time to think clearly, but most importantly, yourself.

Thanks Eeyore. I seriously have a great feeling about him, something I haven't had in a while about anyone...you know the one in your gut?

I read "he's just not that into you too" and at first, he didn't fit that mould at all. Now he does...perhaps because I made my strong feelings known and scared him? I don't know.

No contact sucks. But I am doing it, unless he contacts me, then I keep it to small talk.

[claireZk]

I debated whether or not to say anything, because I don't think you'll like what I have to say, but... In my experience, breaks don't work. When someone wants a break what they're really saying is "I want to go out and hook up with other people without cheating, but I want to know that you'll still be here when I'm done." Either someone does want to be in a relationship or they don't-- it shouldn't be a conditional thing. I say dump him and find someone who appreciates and deserves you-- it's only been 2 months

[MissTiss]

Originally Posted by claireZk

I debated whether or not to say anything, because I don't think you'll like what I have to say, but... In my experience, breaks don't work. When someone wants a break what they're really saying is "I want to go out and hook up with other people without cheating, but I want to know that you'll still be here when I'm done." Either someone does want to be in a relationship or they don't-- it shouldn't be a conditional thing. I say dump him and find someone who appreciates and deserves you-- it's only been 2 months

I asked for responses good and bad, so thank you. I actually arrived at this same though before posting. I just wanted to hear what others had to say. The hard part will be actually getting it said. He has me basically on "ignore" at the moment...and I am not really down with say something like that in an email. You know?

It's a shame. He really did just shut down completely on me.

[elizat]

Well, I don't think my opinion will be popular either. I'm sorry in advance.

As for me, I am guilty of requesting a "break." Honestly, when I did request one, I was unsure of the relationship and it was kind of an easy let down for the other person. I was almost sure I wanted out, but didn't want to shock them and needed time to be sure I wanted the relationship to be over. Normally, after the "break" I'd end things, unless I had really had a change of heart. However, my intentions during a break are never to cheat or anything like that- it is just that I felt I was better off alone.

[tabbyco]

Give him time... but be prepared to let the relationship go. It wasn't until I let a back and forth relationship go that I was able to move on... and after I did, we got back together and got married. There was so much pressure on the "relationship" that we stopped seeing each other for the individuals we are and focused on this thing (the relationship) that we had become.

I hope that made sense.

[tabbyco]

I also said this in another post, but sometimes guys just aren't ready... so it could be a case of right person, wrong time (as it was w/my DH).

[MissTiss]

^^ tabbyco, did you just not speak anymore? What is time? Because right now, I just feel like I am hanging by a thread...

Your post makes sense. I am trying to let go, right now I just cry instead.

[eeyore]

^ it's okay to cry. Time is the healer in this situation.

Sometimes they just slap you when you least expect it, but it is what it is. You can pm me if you want to let things off your chest.

[gillianna]

He wants a break and probably wants to see what is out there and will play you if you let him.
2 months does not mean much. I don't understand how people get so wrapped up in casual dating and make it out to be the love of their lives in a few weeks. His actions show you what he is like as a person. Why do you feel he has to be the one in controlling you and you are just sitting there waiting for his call or what ever.... That is not a healthy way to live, nor good for your self esteem. I would get out and see friends. Join a club, flirt with guys.
Sad as it may be to you but he wants a break for a reason and that is usually a cowards way of breaking up.
I hope you can move forward.

[Kimm992]

If you really felt a connection with him then I'd say let him have a little time - maybe he's just trying to figure things out for himself.

That said, don't wait around forever. Make it known to him that you're not going to be sitting around indefinitely and that if he later decides he does want to be with you...you can't guarantee that you'll still be available.

My DF and I spent 1 1/2 years apart - it was a break up not a "break". Then we realized after having that time apart from each other that what we really wanted was each other...so sometimes time apart can be a good thing for everyone involved.

In any case, hang in there....

[MissTiss]

Originally Posted by gillianna

He wants a break and probably wants to see what is out there and will play you if you let him.
2 months does not mean much. I don't understand how people get so wrapped up in casual dating and make it out to be the love of their lives in a few weeks. His actions show you what he is like as a person. Why do you feel he has to be the one in controlling you and you are just sitting there waiting for his call or what ever.... That is not a healthy way to live, nor good for your self esteem. I would get out and see friends. Join a club, flirt with guys.
Sad as it may be to you but he wants a break for a reason and that is usually a cowards way of breaking up.
I hope you can move forward.

He's not the love of my life, but he could be. Some people fall in love right away, and two months can be plenty of time. Just check some of these other threads...We were not casually dating and have known each other a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnng time. I have every reason to be upset seeing as this will probably destroy our friendship as well.
I appreciate your advice though and will weigh it heavily. You're right, this isnt' good for my self esteem.

[MissTiss]

Originally Posted by Kimm992

If you really felt a connection with him then I'd say let him have a little time - maybe he's just trying to figure things out for himself.

That said, don't wait around forever. Make it known to him that you're not going to be sitting around indefinitely and that if he later decides he does want to be with you...you can't guarantee that you'll still be available.

My DF and I spent 1 1/2 years apart - it was a break up not a "break". Then we realized after having that time apart from each other that what we really wanted was each other...so sometimes time apart can be a good thing for everyone involved.

In any case, hang in there....

Thank you Kimm. I'm in tears...so can't say anything else but thanks...

[claireZk]

Originally Posted by MissTiss

I asked for responses good and bad, so thank you. I actually arrived at this same though before posting. I just wanted to hear what others had to say. The hard part will be actually getting it said. He has me basically on "ignore" at the moment...and I am not really down with say something like that in an email. You know?

It's a shame. He really did just shut down completely on me.

I agree, it is a shame! You seem really sweet and that was a sh*tty thing for him to do! I know these situations are difficult, but you don't deserve to be treated like that, and he doesn't deserve you! *HUGS* Just be strong-- you don't need him!