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simona7 · Oct 19th, 2009, 08:21 PM

I'm really annoyed right now. Here's some background:
My daughter is friends with a group of 3 girls for about 3 years now (they are all 6 years old now). One of the little girls birthdays falls right around my MIL's birthday. The last 2 years we had to miss their party because we were going out of town for my MIL's birthday party. When I told the mother this year she said something to the effect, "You're going to miss the party again?" But seriously what am I supposed to do cancel with family for a not very close friend?

Now it is my daughter's birthday this weekend and the mom calls and leaves a message saying they can't come because "we're going out of town." Now, the way she said it sounded really sarcastic. Like, "How does it feel, now?" She could have just said something else like they had other plans or they were sick etc. She obviously said it in a way to convey that she was getting back at me. How immature, right?
So, dear ladies, do I confront her and say, "Where did you go out of town?" or "You're being really immature." The other thing is we were all supposed to go trick or treating together - all 4 girls. I'm obviously going to tell the other moms and frankly feel really awkward being around that mom. Should I just go ahead and be the bigger person or make other trick or treating plans? Please advise.

dallas · Oct 19th, 2009, 08:30 PM

Say nothing. Please don't let adult nonsense come between these little girls, because it will if you say something.
I hope your sweetheart has a wonderful party.

Ellie Mae · Oct 19th, 2009, 08:33 PM

Nope.. you be the bigger person and I'll tell you why. Like mother, like daughter.

I have 2 daughters, ages 19 and 21. I have seen this "behavior" so many times it's not even funny. Usually from the child first.. but then I'd meet the mom and understand where this type behavior comes from. It's taught.
SO.. you, as the mom, now have to smile and say, "Oh I am so sorry to hear that, we sure will miss ya'll"... and MOVE ON. Never give this another thought.

This is your daughter's friend, not your friend. So, as long as they are friends, it's up to you to "get along" w/ this mom and not make any waves. AND to show by example how to respond to situations like this.... and the MANY more situations yet to come.

You act how you would want your daughter to act. Like mother, like daughter. Even when you really just want to rip someone's hair out.

flashy.stems · Oct 19th, 2009, 08:34 PM

don't say anything

alliemia · Oct 19th, 2009, 08:42 PM

Originally Posted by simona7

I'm obviously going to tell the other moms and frankly feel really awkward being around that mom. Should I just go ahead and be the bigger person or make other trick or treating plans? Please advise.

i'm confused by the above. Why would you 'obviously' tell the other moms? will they care who is/is not coming to your daughter's party? why would they care? if anything, when you see the mom who RSVP'd about going out of town (whether fake or not), just say 'i got your message, sorry you'll have to miss the party, maybe we can meet for lunch after you get back from your trip'. No way to know if she is lying or truthful, and really who cares? you missed her party every year and she keeps inviting you, so maybe she is really hurt that you keep missing her parties. who knows. leave it be. make alternate plans for both her daughter and your daughter to celebrate their birthdays together with a lunch/dinner out and a sleepover, movie, etc.

maybe she thinks you don't like her or something.
definetly don't gossip about it to other moms. that makes you look really bad. also, maybe she does have out of town plans.

alliemia · Oct 19th, 2009, 08:50 PM

and just thinking, maybe you can go to your MIL's a week before or after the girls party next year? if this is one of your daughter's closest friends, it seems kind of mean to miss her birthday party every year.

does your MIL really have an actual party each year?
the parties tend to mean more to the kids than adults, i find.

simona7 · Oct 19th, 2009, 08:51 PM

^You are right. I should not obviously tell the others. I was just upset when I wrote that. I guess I just want to know if she really is going out of town or just being a jerk. We have not missed every one of her parties just the last 2 birthdays. And actually the other moms will definitely notice and ask me why they're not there. I will just reply with what she said. I think she is hurt but come on, if we were in town we would definitely go.
I agree with everyone and will just let it roll off my back and be gracious. No sense starting trouble.

simona7 · Oct 19th, 2009, 08:54 PM

Originally Posted by alliemia

and just thinking, maybe you can go to your MIL's a week before or after the girls party next year? if this is one of your daughter's closest friends, it seems kind of mean to miss her birthday party every year.

does your MIL really have an actual party each year?
the parties tend to mean more to the kids than adults, i find.

I absolutely can't change the date of her party because all her kids drive in so it's not just us. If I knew far enough ahead of time I could try to have her change the date. Perhaps next year I'll ask the mom ahead of time so I can try to make it. She is not one of my daughter's closest friends - just a friend.

No, my MIL doesn't have a b-day party every year just the last 2 years for some reason. Maybe she won't do it next year.

SPOILEDkiwi · Oct 19th, 2009, 09:06 PM

She's probably upset because her daughter is disappointed that her friend has missed her birthday for the past two years and will miss it again. At that age not having a close friend at a birthday party can be really upsetting. Or, maybe her daughter is the one who doesn't want to go to your daughter's birthday and the mom had to make up an excuse as to why, so she decided to take a little jab at you in the process. If it really bothers you, talk to her and explain that you found the tone of her message a little odd. This seems like a situation that can be easily resolved. Canceling your daughter's trick or treating plans with her friends is not the way to go.

bagnshoofetish · Oct 19th, 2009, 09:32 PM

if she is that immature, I would not stoop to her level of immaturity by responding in any kind of negative way. just say, "thats too bad. we'll miss you at the party".
and there is absolutely no reason to share any of this with the other mothers. its just too "high-school" IMO if you do. you are all supposed to be the adults and set a good example. focus on the good and ignore the bad.

alliemia · Oct 19th, 2009, 09:36 PM

yeah, definetly do the halloween plans. don't even comment on any of it, other than to say you'll miss her at the party and enjoy your trip. maybe when she sees it didn't affect you, she won't play games next time. she may be trying to upset you, so don't show any emotion, and she'd have no reason to act that way again.

artjen · Oct 19th, 2009, 09:48 PM

I wouldn't say anything to the other moms. You be the "hero" in this story and be the mature adult. You are not obligated to attend her child's birthday party and that is ridiculous that she would even act that you should. I am a mom of a 9-yr-old girl as well as an elementary school teacher in the same school. I see all of that drama and I avoid it like the plague. We have friends but I never, ever get involved in any of that. I totally sympathize with your situation. As much as you want to say something- don't. Somehow, some way, it will come back to you and just escalate into something bigger.

vuittonamour · Oct 19th, 2009, 10:27 PM

i wouldn't say anything...we were family friends with some people for a long time, and even though it's better we're not friends anymore, when i was little the other little girl's mom was just really petty about stupid things, and became downright mean and started saying things to her daughter about us that weren't true, and told her she didn't want her to be friends with me anymore... this was after 8 years of friendship since she and i met when we were a year old. it was really sad how her mom's pettiness and ridiculousness, really (if that even is a word) interfered with our friendship. your daughter is only six, but the last thing you need is for her mom to suddenly say she doesn't want her to be friends with your little girl anymore. believe me, it can happen, it happened to me, with no reason and no warning.

karmenzsofia · Oct 19th, 2009, 10:38 PM

Originally Posted by dallas

Say nothing. Please don't let adult nonsense come between these little girls, because it will if you say something.
I hope your sweetheart has a wonderful party.

ITA with Dallas and the others--let it go. Nobody, no relationship, no situation, nothing is perfect. We need to cut each other some slack. She's as annoyed at you for missing her kid's B-day for three years in a row as you are at her for expecting you to put her kid above your MIL and for leaving that message. Perhaps she's going out town...maybe not. Whatever. If you react to it as you're suggesting, she could say you're the one being immature, and this could easily get blown out of proportion. Not worth it, if you ask me.

boxermom · Oct 19th, 2009, 11:12 PM

Please set a good example for your daughter and don't say anything to the other mom. You've already re-thought the idea of sharing this with other moms. It ends up making you look bad, so stick with your better instinct and don't do it.

Adults who get enmeshed with their children's minor stuff damage their child's ability to deal with disappointment and frustration.

Happy birthday to your daughter--I hope her party is lots of fun for everyone who attends.

Oct 19th, 2009, 08:21 PM	#1
simona7 OP Bag Lady Joined: Jul 2007 Posts: 1,560	birthday party drama I'm really annoyed right now. Here's some background: My daughter is friends with a group of 3 girls for about 3 years now (they are all 6 years old now). One of the little girls birthdays falls right around my MIL's birthday. The last 2 years we had to miss their party because we were going out of town for my MIL's birthday party. When I told the mother this year she said something to the effect, "You're going to miss the party again?" But seriously what am I supposed to do cancel with family for a not very close friend? Now it is my daughter's birthday this weekend and the mom calls and leaves a message saying they can't come because "we're going out of town." Now, the way she said it sounded really sarcastic. Like, "How does it feel, now?" She could have just said something else like they had other plans or they were sick etc. She obviously said it in a way to convey that she was getting back at me. How immature, right? So, dear ladies, do I confront her and say, "Where did you go out of town?" or "You're being really immature." The other thing is we were all supposed to go trick or treating together - all 4 girls. I'm obviously going to tell the other moms and frankly feel really awkward being around that mom. Should I just go ahead and be the bigger person or make other trick or treating plans? Please advise.
simona7 OP Bag Lady Joined: Jul 2007 Posts: 1,560	__________________ "I believe in pink. I believe laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing; kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." - Audrey Hepburn

Oct 19th, 2009, 08:30 PM	#2
dallas Yeah ano Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,272	Say nothing. Please don't let adult nonsense come between these little girls, because it will if you say something. I hope your sweetheart has a wonderful party.
dallas Yeah ano Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,272	__________________ Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Oct 19th, 2009, 08:33 PM	#3
Ellie Mae KIABCRS Joined: May 2008 Posts: 8,326	Nope.. you be the bigger person and I'll tell you why. Like mother, like daughter. I have 2 daughters, ages 19 and 21. I have seen this "behavior" so many times it's not even funny. Usually from the child first.. but then I'd meet the mom and understand where this type behavior comes from. It's taught. SO.. you, as the mom, now have to smile and say, "Oh I am so sorry to hear that, we sure will miss ya'll"... and MOVE ON. Never give this another thought. This is your daughter's friend, not your friend. So, as long as they are friends, it's up to you to "get along" w/ this mom and not make any waves. AND to show by example how to respond to situations like this.... and the MANY more situations yet to come. You act how you would want your daughter to act. Like mother, like daughter. Even when you really just want to rip someone's hair out.
Ellie Mae KIABCRS Joined: May 2008 Posts: 8,326	__________________ *http://scams-n-shams.blogspot.com*

Oct 19th, 2009, 08:34 PM	#4
flashy.stems Hermès Hottie Joined: Jun 2009 Location: Canada Posts: 2,139	don't say anything
	__________________ “I’m the worst wife in the cooking department. I always thought you can’t be good at food and sex, but you can always order the food in. I’d rather he didn’t order in the sex.” "You can never be too rich, too thin, or have too many handbags." UHG!!! CL Black Mad Mary 37

Oct 19th, 2009, 08:51 PM	#7
simona7 OP Bag Lady Joined: Jul 2007 Posts: 1,560	^You are right. I should not obviously tell the others. I was just upset when I wrote that. I guess I just want to know if she really is going out of town or just being a jerk. We have not missed every one of her parties just the last 2 birthdays. And actually the other moms will definitely notice and ask me why they're not there. I will just reply with what she said. I think she is hurt but come on, if we were in town we would definitely go. I agree with everyone and will just let it roll off my back and be gracious. No sense starting trouble.
simona7 OP Bag Lady Joined: Jul 2007 Posts: 1,560	__________________ "I believe in pink. I believe laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing; kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." - Audrey Hepburn

Oct 19th, 2009, 08:50 PM	#6
alliemia love shopping!!! Joined: Jun 2008 Location: NY Posts: 3,292	and just thinking, maybe you can go to your MIL's a week before or after the girls party next year? if this is one of your daughter's closest friends, it seems kind of mean to miss her birthday party every year. does your MIL really have an actual party each year? the parties tend to mean more to the kids than adults, i find.

Oct 19th, 2009, 09:06 PM	#9
SPOILEDkiwi not a kiwi! Joined: Dec 2006 Posts: 2,285	She's probably upset because her daughter is disappointed that her friend has missed her birthday for the past two years and will miss it again. At that age not having a close friend at a birthday party can be really upsetting. Or, maybe her daughter is the one who doesn't want to go to your daughter's birthday and the mom had to make up an excuse as to why, so she decided to take a little jab at you in the process. If it really bothers you, talk to her and explain that you found the tone of her message a little odd. This seems like a situation that can be easily resolved. Canceling your daughter's trick or treating plans with her friends is not the way to go.
SPOILEDkiwi not a kiwi! Joined: Dec 2006 Posts: 2,285	__________________ “It is the unseen, unforgettable, ultimate accessory of fashion that heralds your arrival and prolongs your departure.” --Coco Chanel

Oct 19th, 2009, 09:32 PM	#10
bagnshoofetish keep smiling.... Joined: Feb 2006 Posts: 20,387	if she is that immature, I would not stoop to her level of immaturity by responding in any kind of negative way. just say, "thats too bad. we'll miss you at the party". and there is absolutely no reason to share any of this with the other mothers. its just too "high-school" IMO if you do. you are all supposed to be the adults and set a good example. focus on the good and ignore the bad.
	__________________

Oct 19th, 2009, 09:36 PM	#11
alliemia love shopping!!! Joined: Jun 2008 Location: NY Posts: 3,292	yeah, definetly do the halloween plans. don't even comment on any of it, other than to say you'll miss her at the party and enjoy your trip. maybe when she sees it didn't affect you, she won't play games next time. she may be trying to upset you, so don't show any emotion, and she'd have no reason to act that way again.

Oct 19th, 2009, 09:48 PM	#12
artjen Young @ Art Joined: Oct 2007 Location: Arizona Posts: 1,070	I wouldn't say anything to the other moms. You be the "hero" in this story and be the mature adult. You are not obligated to attend her child's birthday party and that is ridiculous that she would even act that you should. I am a mom of a 9-yr-old girl as well as an elementary school teacher in the same school. I see all of that drama and I avoid it like the plague. We have friends but I never, ever get involved in any of that. I totally sympathize with your situation. As much as you want to say something- don't. Somehow, some way, it will come back to you and just escalate into something bigger.

Oct 19th, 2009, 10:27 PM	#13
vuittonamour ooh let me see! Joined: Dec 2006 Location: new jersey Posts: 4,943	i wouldn't say anything...we were family friends with some people for a long time, and even though it's better we're not friends anymore, when i was little the other little girl's mom was just really petty about stupid things, and became downright mean and started saying things to her daughter about us that weren't true, and told her she didn't want her to be friends with me anymore... this was after 8 years of friendship since she and i met when we were a year old. it was really sad how her mom's pettiness and ridiculousness, really (if that even is a word) interfered with our friendship. your daughter is only six, but the last thing you need is for her mom to suddenly say she doesn't want her to be friends with your little girl anymore. believe me, it can happen, it happened to me, with no reason and no warning.
	__________________ please help me find my UHG CLs! black satin feticha strass - 36.5

Oct 19th, 2009, 11:12 PM	#15
boxermom Member Joined: Aug 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 13,704	Please set a good example for your daughter and don't say anything to the other mom. You've already re-thought the idea of sharing this with other moms. It ends up making you look bad, so stick with your better instinct and don't do it. Adults who get enmeshed with their children's minor stuff damage their child's ability to deal with disappointment and frustration. Happy birthday to your daughter--I hope her party is lots of fun for everyone who attends.

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