[simseema17]

about money....

basically he's too stingy with it and I like to spend, and although we've both compromised some, the holidays sometimes bring on more stress


anyways, the actual argument wasn't such a big deal, it was how we argued....just yelling etc I want to change our "arguing habits" or work on them so when we do decide to have a kid, it's not like that....we both probably grew up in households where our parents yelled

do we get some kind of counseling? how do you go about doing that?

[rainrowan]

I hear you... compromise is hard, especially if you both have different approaches to money like we do. I'm more generous during the holidays and birthdays, so it's very stressful and not a little bit frustrating for me at times because dh is guarded about his money to a fault ("tightwad-ism"). For years I paid out of my own savings for both families but now as a SAHM, I do not have that luxury.

Just make sure to compromise and not let the balances of equality shift... it is not unusual to become "no voice" from "a unified voice" over the years. I have compromised, depending on the time period. One year, I made all the holiday gifts by hand. This year, because I had a bunch of health issues, dh agreed to spend more on gifts online.

This year, we did not take advantage of major sales and I felt we could have saved even more buying gifts throughout the year and avoided holiday gift buying stress. So, he has agreed to set aside a certain amount each month starting in January of the new year. I figure if we set aside $xx.00 a month times 12 months, we'd have $xxx.00 by December.

[simseema17]

I was thinking that...setting aside each month for Dec....we do that for our taxes already

something we may try this coming year, thanks for the idea

[caitlin1214]

Next time, if you don't want disagereements to turn into screaming matches, don't say things like "You never" and "I always." Stay calm and start sentences with "I feel."

And no name-calling.


I found this on British Cosmo's website:

http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/index...._spending/9276

[Virgo]

I would say talk about the issue when you are not heated/in the moment.

[Speedy]

Money is the number one reason for divorce.

Seeing a counseler is an excellent idea.

[Jill]

Sometimes counselors work...If they r good.BUT I also know people that it made their probs worse too.
I think its good to learn how to compromise..YET ALSO learn how to DISCUSS your issues rather than letting them get so bad u end up YELLING them at each other.
Yelling is usually caused by NUMEROUS issues being pent up..Maybe u two can set aside a DATE night each week to talk??
Thats what I used to do and it helped..GOOD LUCK!!!!!

[Glamorous_girl]

Originally Posted by Virgo

I would say talk about the issue when you are not heated/in the moment.

I STRONGLY agree. I don't know how many times I have made a petty issue into a huge long term fight or even ruined a relationship (with family, friends, BF etc.) because I was caught up in the heat of the moment emotions and saying things I shouldn't have said and not thinking clearly. If your short of breath and your heart is racing, it is not the time to argue. Leave the situation, do something else that is totally unrelated, and when you can calmly discuss it and know what you want to say and HOW to say it, then you can go someplace you are both undistracted and talk about it.

I saw on the show "how I met your mother" about how this one couple would "pause" their arguments. When they were arguing they would say pause and then go on living normally until one person said unpause then they would continue the argument. I don't know how well that works IRL but it might be something you can use if you don't want to argue around kids. Maybe you can have a rule (if you think you both can abide by it) that as soon as someone raises their voice, calls a name etc. The argument ends until both people are calm again. It's basically about learning self control when you are caught up in the moment. Oh...and DON'T ACCUSE. As soon as you start accusing someone of something all hell breaks loose.

[twin53]

keep your voice LOW at all times and no finger poiinting: you do this and you always......etc

[Laurie8504]

Originally Posted by simseema17

do we get some kind of counseling? how do you go about doing that?

Counseling is a great idea and it sounds like you guys are perfect for it, since you recognize your problem and both want to change. Checking out some local churches in your area is a good place to start. If they don't offer counseling services, they will know where to send you.

A short-term solution could be for each of you to write a list of your grievances and set aside a time each day to share them. The other person cannot interrupt while you are sharing, and there is no yelling allowed! If you start to yell, you must stop and return to the list in 30 minutes.

[krv]

i agree with all the advise here, My husband and I try not to fight over money , but he is a lot more conservative with $$ than me. I think that counseling or just talking about it will make the situation much better. But definitely don't argue over $$ it not worth it.

[LissiSays]

I agree with some of the recommendations here. Try not to argue while the anger is still fresh. Take some time to cool off and really understand the situation. I have entered into arguments before because I was upset but truly did not understand WHY I was upset at the moment. Take time to get all your thoughts in order. Hurtful things have a higher chance of being said in the heat of the moment when the mind isn't clear.

Also try to set up certain rules. No cursing and name calling. Set up a rule for the ability to walk away if things get out of hand. I'll admit, that doesn't always work. Tried it before and the success rate wasn't very high. But it depends on the situation and the person you are dealing with.

I will say this: Fix the argument and fighting habits now while you still can. Don't let certain unacceptable behaviors happen without stating your opinion on them. Put your foot down towards things you don't want. It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. And if they aren't stopped in time then those little tricks can start to get worse.

[balihai88]

I have learned the hard way that HOW you communicate makes all the difference, not just in the successfully resolving an issue but in making you a strong couple. I went to couples counseling and it was really helpful to have a third party gently, and in a non-accusing way, probe on the things we were saying to get to the real issue. I found this counselor through my EAP (employee assistance program) at work, many large corporations offer this. Good luck to you...