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SABSMomma · Sep 24th, 2009, 01:04 AM

I just joined this group after reading other posts and I have to say everyone on here seem's like a pretty upbeat and honest individual!!

So...I was wondering if anyone has experienced or could possibly explain the actions of my current boyfriend. He and I have been together off and on for years. He's cheated and lied for a good duration of our time together and had entered into counseling and as far as I know has been on a stretch of honesty and faithfulness. We unexpectantly started a family in the middle of it all and now here I wait for that moment most women think about- the proposal. Of course he's mentioned it, now approaching a year ago, but mentioned is all he's obviously done. My family is starting to ask me if we have marriage plans or what is going on, which makes me feel entirely worse about myself. The oddity out of it is I think he's embarassed we are not married... everywhere we go he introduces me as his wife even though my left ring finger screams UNWED! It's also an amazingly hurtful slap in the face to hear him introduce me as his wife because he refuses to acknowledge I want marriage or answer if he truly has any plans of marriage with me.

Besides having children together I'm not sure there is any other reason to stick around if commitment isn't apart of his plans...

dallas · Sep 24th, 2009, 01:26 AM

I think if he was embarrassed about not being married he would have done something about it by now, don't you think? I get the impression that it just isn't that important to him. Either way, it would benefit you to sit down and have a good old fashioned talk and find out what his intentions are. Good luck.

Oh and a question: do you love one another, or do you want to be married for the sake of the children?

Cheetah7 · Sep 24th, 2009, 01:35 AM

Second guessing his intentions and waiting on him to propose isn't going to get you anywhere. You need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion about this issue. Maybe he thinks everything is ok the way they are and there isn't any need to go thru with marriage, especially if it has always been this way for yrs. In any case you need to find out where both of you stand on the marriage issue. It could be that he has a different set of priorities compared to you and marriage may not be high on his priority list, especially since you've had problems in your relationship in the past.

mellecyn · Sep 24th, 2009, 02:31 AM

Yes, I haven´t yet ran into a man who will !!
Seriously, I think he´s feeling pressured maybe ? It´d be better to leave it up to him when to decide, I hate when the family puts some pressure on. Try to relax...

~Fabulousity~ · Sep 24th, 2009, 09:02 AM

I agree with the other posts don't pressure him and definitely sit down and talk to him

Charles · Sep 24th, 2009, 09:05 AM

I refuse to get married, and it has absolutely nothing to do with my level of commitment to my gf. I have personal reasons, but that's me.
Tell me, why do you want to get married so badly?

domlee · Sep 24th, 2009, 09:25 AM

It definitely sounds like you're feeling pressure to get married. (And he seems to as well).

Perhaps he wants to do it "the right way" in his mind.

If he isn't ready yet, there is nothing you can do. Pressuring him only makes it worse. You mentioned that the two of you have had your ups and downs (and been on and off for years). Pressuring him only creates another up and down and you two.

Just relax.

juneping · Sep 24th, 2009, 09:38 AM

i think it really comes down to how he feels about you. i used to pressure my bf about the marriage thing and it finally backfired. we took a break and afterwards...i realized what's important to me. seeing ppl go thru divorce i wonder if it's worth to go thru all the process. honestly i think it sucks for a guy to get a divorce in this country..he really loss everything he's ever worked for.
few stories i heard...a guy had to give 95% of his salary to his ex for child support, and another guy lost everything after the divorce bc his ex took everything they had together. even those reality TV shows the super nanny...there was this guy lived in an apt and his wife got the house...my bf also lost everything to his ex he's ever worked for in his life.
if i were a guy i don't think i'll ever want to get married.

Kansashalo · Sep 24th, 2009, 09:51 AM

Originally Posted by dallas

I think if he was embarrassed about not being married he would have done something about it by now, don't you think? I get the impression that it just isn't that important to him. Either way, it would benefit you to sit down and have a good old fashioned talk and find out what his intentions are. Good luck.

Oh and a question: do you love one another, or do you want to be married for the sake of the children?

Ditto on this. Just because you have been together for a long time and/or have children doesn't mean that you MUST be married one another. You two should have a frank talk about one another's intentions and go on from there.

zoeyjoey · Sep 24th, 2009, 10:41 AM

FWIW, a dear friend of mine had 2 children with her partner before he proposed. They are now happily married. There is no set time line for these sorts of things.

I agree with the other posters who suggested that it is time for the two of you to discuss your visions of the future.

USCgerl · Sep 24th, 2009, 10:55 AM

Originally Posted by Charles

I refuse to get married, and it has absolutely nothing to do with my level of commitment to my gf. I have personal reasons, but that's me.
Tell me, why do you want to get married so badly?

But would you introduce your gf as your wife?

Charles · Sep 24th, 2009, 11:21 AM

It depends on how she would want to be introduced. To me, they're just titles, and I really don't care what my title to her is and hers to me.

gina2328 · Sep 24th, 2009, 11:54 AM

He cheated and lied to you and you want to marry him. IMO, once a liar/cheater, always a cheater/liar. Why? Big red flags are waving. You can do better than him. Any guy that does not want to put a ring on your finger after being together for years and producing children is not a man in my eyes. That in itself is a deception.

I would kick this guy to the curb and find someone that will not cheat or lie to you and treat you the way you deserve. Then if things are going well, hopefully marriage will be somewhere down the road, if that is what you both want.

Charles · Sep 24th, 2009, 12:30 PM

^^
Your post reeks of negative judgment and generalizations.

SABSMomma · Sep 24th, 2009, 12:33 PM

Originally Posted by Charles

I refuse to get married, and it has absolutely nothing to do with my level of commitment to my gf. I have personal reasons, but that's me.
Tell me, why do you want to get married so badly?

Thank you for responding with your thoughts- All of your thoughts. It is appreciated.

Why do I want to get married so badly? I think desperation isn't an emotion I'm feeling, it's being told a year was in the future and then having the future not hold marriage. It tends to make me thing there is something wrong... And Yes to everyone- the reason for wanting marriage is out of love and not for the sake of our children.

Sep 24th, 2009, 01:04 AM	#1
SABSMomma OP Member Joined: Sep 2009 Location: Indianapolis Posts: 3	Anyone else ever ran into a man who won't marry you?? I just joined this group after reading other posts and I have to say everyone on here seem's like a pretty upbeat and honest individual!! So...I was wondering if anyone has experienced or could possibly explain the actions of my current boyfriend. He and I have been together off and on for years. He's cheated and lied for a good duration of our time together and had entered into counseling and as far as I know has been on a stretch of honesty and faithfulness. We unexpectantly started a family in the middle of it all and now here I wait for that moment most women think about- the proposal. Of course he's mentioned it, now approaching a year ago, but mentioned is all he's obviously done. My family is starting to ask me if we have marriage plans or what is going on, which makes me feel entirely worse about myself. The oddity out of it is I think he's embarassed we are not married... everywhere we go he introduces me as his wife even though my left ring finger screams UNWED! It's also an amazingly hurtful slap in the face to hear him introduce me as his wife because he refuses to acknowledge I want marriage or answer if he truly has any plans of marriage with me. Besides having children together I'm not sure there is any other reason to stick around if commitment isn't apart of his plans...

Sep 24th, 2009, 01:26 AM	#2
dallas Yeah ano Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,272	I think if he was embarrassed about not being married he would have done something about it by now, don't you think? I get the impression that it just isn't that important to him. Either way, it would benefit you to sit down and have a good old fashioned talk and find out what his intentions are. Good luck. Oh and a question: do you love one another, or do you want to be married for the sake of the children?
dallas Yeah ano Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,272	__________________ Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. Last edited by dallas; Sep 24th, 2009 at 01:29 AM.

Sep 24th, 2009, 01:35 AM	#3
Cheetah7 Member Joined: Aug 2009 Location: Here, there and everywhere Posts: 302	Second guessing his intentions and waiting on him to propose isn't going to get you anywhere. You need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion about this issue. Maybe he thinks everything is ok the way they are and there isn't any need to go thru with marriage, especially if it has always been this way for yrs. In any case you need to find out where both of you stand on the marriage issue. It could be that he has a different set of priorities compared to you and marriage may not be high on his priority list, especially since you've had problems in your relationship in the past.
	__________________

Sep 24th, 2009, 02:31 AM	#4
mellecyn Just a minute ! Joined: Feb 2006 Location: In a bag Posts: 3,110	Yes, I haven´t yet ran into a man who will !! Seriously, I think he´s feeling pressured maybe ? It´d be better to leave it up to him when to decide, I hate when the family puts some pressure on. Try to relax...
	__________________ "Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience" Victoria Holt

Sep 24th, 2009, 09:02 AM	#5
~Fabulousity~ Member Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 12,911	I agree with the other posts don't pressure him and definitely sit down and talk to him
~Fabulousity~ Member Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 12,911

Sep 24th, 2009, 09:05 AM	#6
Charles Sucks at budgeting Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Fl Posts: 6,187	I refuse to get married, and it has absolutely nothing to do with my level of commitment to my gf. I have personal reasons, but that's me. Tell me, why do you want to get married so badly?
	__________________

Sep 24th, 2009, 09:25 AM	#7
domlee Member Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 949	It definitely sounds like you're feeling pressure to get married. (And he seems to as well). Perhaps he wants to do it "the right way" in his mind. If he isn't ready yet, there is nothing you can do. Pressuring him only makes it worse. You mentioned that the two of you have had your ups and downs (and been on and off for years). Pressuring him only creates another up and down and you two. Just relax.

Sep 24th, 2009, 09:38 AM	#8
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,327	i think it really comes down to how he feels about you. i used to pressure my bf about the marriage thing and it finally backfired. we took a break and afterwards...i realized what's important to me. seeing ppl go thru divorce i wonder if it's worth to go thru all the process. honestly i think it sucks for a guy to get a divorce in this country..he really loss everything he's ever worked for. few stories i heard...a guy had to give 95% of his salary to his ex for child support, and another guy lost everything after the divorce bc his ex took everything they had together. even those reality TV shows the super nanny...there was this guy lived in an apt and his wife got the house...my bf also lost everything to his ex he's ever worked for in his life. if i were a guy i don't think i'll ever want to get married.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Sep 24th, 2009, 10:41 AM	#10
zoeyjoey Member Joined: Jun 2009 Location: East Coast Posts: 255	FWIW, a dear friend of mine had 2 children with her partner before he proposed. They are now happily married. There is no set time line for these sorts of things. I agree with the other posters who suggested that it is time for the two of you to discuss your visions of the future.

Sep 24th, 2009, 11:21 AM	#12
Charles Sucks at budgeting Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Fl Posts: 6,187	It depends on how she would want to be introduced. To me, they're just titles, and I really don't care what my title to her is and hers to me.
	__________________

Sep 24th, 2009, 11:54 AM	#13
gina2328 Member Joined: Jul 2007 Location: Michigan Posts: 625	He cheated and lied to you and you want to marry him. IMO, once a liar/cheater, always a cheater/liar. Why? Big red flags are waving. You can do better than him. Any guy that does not want to put a ring on your finger after being together for years and producing children is not a man in my eyes. That in itself is a deception. I would kick this guy to the curb and find someone that will not cheat or lie to you and treat you the way you deserve. Then if things are going well, hopefully marriage will be somewhere down the road, if that is what you both want.
	__________________ Dress shabbily and they remember the dress; dress impeccably and they remember the woman -- Coco Chanel

Sep 24th, 2009, 12:30 PM	#14
Charles Sucks at budgeting Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Fl Posts: 6,187	^^ Your post reeks of negative judgment and generalizations.
	__________________

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