Anyone else ever ran into a man who won't marry you??

[ami kio]

Originally Posted by nathansgirl1908

I find it ironic that heterosexual people are taking for granted and often discounting something that homosexuals are fighting os hard to get. Has anyone ever stopped to really look at why homosexuals are fighting so hard to get gay marriage legalized across the country? It's not just because they feel that terminology relating to marriage is discriminatory. It is also because they know the legal protections that married couples can get, that people with SOs CAN'T get.

Excellent point!

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by nathansgirl1908

It isn't a matter of accusing someone of "lying." It is a matter of being concerned that some women may be convincing themselves that they are happy with a certain arrangement when they really aren't. The word "lying" is too harsh for what I am talking about. And yes, it is my choice to take what you said negatively. Based on what was said, it appeared to be intended in a hurtful manner.

Since you seem to be focused on semantics, how is convincing yourself that something that doesnt make you happy does make you happy -trying to make yourself believe in something that is not true - not lying to yourself? I beg to differ.

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by ami kio

Excellent point!

With gay marriages - as per my gay friends - one of the main reasons and as equally if not more important that legal married protections, is something that hasnt been mentioned before - legalization of gay marriage means a huge step for gays in being accepted/officially recognized as a valid part of society. I can assure not every gay couple runs to the town hall as soon as the bill has passed - very often is about having the option like heterosexual members of the society do.

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by nathansgirl1908

However, I disagree with you in that I feel that some statements made on here have been leaning more towards saying that marriage is pointless.

everyone is entitled to how they feel about marriage though. this isn't a debate about whether or not marriage is a good or bad thing. its about how the OP and her SO feel about marriage. knowing how they both feel (which is opposite ends of the spectrum) is bringing out all the different ways marriage is perceived, thats all.

for some people, it is pointless. people view marriage in many different ways.

• some people liken it to a business merger.
• some people liken it to someone taking care of them financially.
• some people view it as a strictly spiritual thing.
• some people have arranged marriages where they have no choice.

in other words, your view is not thee only view to have. for example, I married my husband because I love him and spiritually, it meant something to us - I could have easily taken care of myself - I did not marry him for any kind of legal or financial reasons. But thats just me. I'm not about to make people feel that my way is thee right way and everyone else is dead wrong. I don't understand your need to tell people they are wrong for what they think about marriage (so what if some think its just a piece of paper? to some, it is!) and are hellbent in "telling" people what marriage is by what you believe it is? The OP wanted opinions and she's smart enough to sort through the ones that line up with her sensibilities.

[Charles]

Originally Posted by nathansgirl1908

Just because YOU don't want to get married doesn't mean she isn't entitled to want to get married. Maybe she wants to marry him for the same reason MOST people get married: she loves him. Sorry but your post just really irked me because it seems to me that based on the facts presented by the op, one would not really feel the need to say something like this. If she has been with the man for years, and she loves him, and they have a child together, why WOULDN'T she want to marry him if she is someone who ultimately wants to get married one day? To the OP: I disagree with those who say he may be feeling pressured. Honestly I think the reason he hasn't popped the question is because he's already getting everything from you that he would get from a wife without having to marry you. In that kind of situation, men drag their feet and have less of an incentive to get married.

I never said she wasn't entitled to get married, I simply presented the fact that a man is capable of committing to a woman when marriage is not in the equation, and asked her why she wanted to get married. I wanted to make sure she was wanting marriage for the right reasons. I don't know her motives, nor do you, so any conjecture on her reasons would be speculation on both our ends. You're assuming ALL women see marriage as the finish line.

Originally Posted by nathansgirl1908

Her post reeks of intelligent and common sense. If more women followed her line of thinking they wouldn't keep getting into the messes they find themselves in because they would look for men who treat them the way they should be treated. No offense, but as a woman seeking advice about relationships and men, I would take what you have to say with a grain of salt because your thought process seems to be akin to that of the type of men who cause a lot of heartache because they won't commit but expect to get all the benefits of commitment and ultimately marriage.

She said once a cheater, always a cheater, which is wrong and a generalization. She also said that any man who won't marry the girl he loves isn't a man, which is wrong, a generalization and insulting. So yes, her post was full of negative generalizations. Perhaps we read the wrong post?

As for my advice, I have a vastly different viewpoint from you. You're quite conservative and I'm pretty much the opposite. Actually, I think that's great. You give your side, I'll give mine...best of both worlds. All I do is try to present an opinion that's not traditional, nor the norm, and I do that, cause I think I'm a walking example of what I preach. It's up to the OP is she chooses to listen to me or you, but don't worry, I'll keep posting what I think.

[nooch]

Originally Posted by Charles

You're assuming ALL women see marriage as the finish line.

To elaborate on this - there are clearly two different camps as far as heterosexual women & marriage go (setting aside for a second people who don't, for whatever reason, believe in marriage). There are people who think marriage is something that happens to a woman, and then there are people who think that marriage is something a woman does. These camps will probably never see eye to eye.

[envyme]

x_________________________ (co-sign)

Originally Posted by nataliam1976

With gay marriages - as per my gay friends - one of the main reasons and as equally if not more important that legal married protections, is something that hasnt been mentioned before - legalization of gay marriage means a huge step for gays in being accepted/officially recognized as a valid part of society. I can assure not every gay couple runs to the town hall as soon as the bill has passed - very often is about having the option like heterosexual members of the society do.

[envyme]

I'm sure unmarried people can have an attorney draw up legal documents that can provide the same protection that married people automatically have.

Originally Posted by Aslan

I totally agree, and I don't understand why a woman would want to forgo that kind of protection (the protection that marriage affords) when they have a child and share money. And point taken: the gay marriage example well illustrates what the "marriage issue" is really about.

[sunshine16]

This is my first post here, been a member for a long time but i feel passionate about this issue..

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be married, and wanting your guy to propose to you.. after all committing your life to one and other is a beautiful thing.

HOWEVER, in saying that... I do feel like society places a lot of pressure on people to be married for reasons which should not be a reason to get married. I know of quite a few people who just don't believe in marriage, to them if they and they're SO are already happy, why do they need an expensive party to prove it? (This is not my view.. however i can definitely see it from this side of the fence).
Religion was a huge factor 50 years ago however it's just not as prevalent anymore, pre-marital sex is much more common place and i would shudder to think girls get looked down upon for conceiving before marriage. Of course there are still people who these values are important to and more power to them, they have beliefs that deserve to be respected however religion should not dictate non-religious peoples lives.

I guess what i'm getting at is.. Marriage is beautiful however the assumption every girl grows up dreaming of wearing a white dress is slightly sickening. The idea expressed in this thread that the women who legitimately don't want to get married secretly do is at best sheltered and at worst discriminatory.

Also, i don't think the gay marriage point as all that valid, it's similar to being told to eat all your dinner because there are starving children. While it is awful there are starving children (just as it is awful gays cannot marry) me eating my dinner isn't going to put food in a starving child's stomach.. just as a hetro couple marrying isn't going to make gays any more likely to be able to.
You can appreciate your lucky to have food when some people can't, just as you can appreciate the luxury of being able to choose if you want to marry.. but at the end of the day, it's not going to change anything for the unfortunate..

[Aslan]

Originally Posted by envyme

I'm sure unmarried people can have an attorney draw up legal documents that can provide the same protection that married people automatically have.

Anyone can bestow privileges upon another, but I'm specifically referring to the protections/privileges bestowed by employers and the government.

[envyme]

Thanks for your post sunshine16!! Welcome to tPF, and I hope that you post more often!

Originally Posted by sunshine16

This is my first post here, been a member for a long time but i feel passionate about this issue.. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be married, and wanting your guy to propose to you.. after all committing your life to one and other is a beautiful thing. HOWEVER, in saying that... I do feel like society places a lot of pressure on people to be married for reasons which should not be a reason to get married. I know of quite a few people who just don't believe in marriage, to them if they and they're SO are already happy, why do they need an expensive party to prove it? (This is not my view.. however i can definitely see it from this side of the fence). Religion was a huge factor 50 years ago however it's just not as prevalent anymore, pre-marital sex is much more common place and i would shudder to think girls get looked down upon for conceiving before marriage. Of course there are still people who these values are important to and more power to them, they have beliefs that deserve to be respected however religion should not dictate non-religious peoples lives. I guess what i'm getting at is.. Marriage is beautiful however the assumption every girl grows up dreaming of wearing a white dress is slightly sickening. The idea expressed in this thread that the women who legitimately don't want to get married secretly do is at best sheltered and at worst discriminatory. Also, i don't think the gay marriage point as all that valid, it's similar to being told to eat all your dinner because there are starving children. While it is awful there are starving children (just as it is awful gays cannot marry) me eating my dinner isn't going to put food in a starving child's stomach.. just as a hetro couple marrying isn't going to make gays any more likely to be able to. You can appreciate your lucky to have food when some people can't, just as you can appreciate the luxury of being able to choose if you want to marry.. but at the end of the day, it's not going to change anything for the unfortunate..

[Jahpson]

I definitely agree that if a couple doesn't believe in marriage, that is there business if they don't choose to.

However if one side wants to get married but the other side does, that is where there can be problems and I cannot be with a guy who tells me to my face that they don't ever want to get married. I'm not staying in this relationship and having children with you, living with you and "acting" like a wife when I don't have the last name or the ring. I did that "co-habitation" before and I will never do it again.

If you tell me that you don't want to marry me, fine! Just pack your stuff and go

If you want to get married, you have to find a husband...If a guy doesn't ever want to get married, that is not a husband, thats a boyfriend. Hope you understand what I mean

[Jahpson]

Originally Posted by nathansgirl1908

Her post reeks of intelligent and common sense. If more women followed her line of thinking they wouldn't keep getting into the messes they find themselves in because they would look for men who treat them the way they should be treated. No offense, but as a woman seeking advice about relationships and men, I would take what you have to say with a grain of salt because your thought process seems to be akin to that of the type of men who cause a lot of heartache because they won't commit but expect to get all the benefits of commitment and ultimately marriage.

co-sign to this post. no offense to anyone.

if someone feels a certain way, there is no level of justification that should make them feel otherwise. Don't waste their time!

I will NOT wait on a man who tells me flat out that marriage isn't for them, because it is for me...someday

[Jahpson]

Originally Posted by SABSMomma

I just joined this group after reading other posts and I have to say everyone on here seem's like a pretty upbeat and honest individual!! So...I was wondering if anyone has experienced or could possibly explain the actions of my current boyfriend. He and I have been together off and on for years. He's cheated and lied for a good duration of our time together and had entered into counseling and as far as I know has been on a stretch of honesty and faithfulness. We unexpectantly started a family in the middle of it all and now here I wait for that moment most women think about- the proposal. Of course he's mentioned it, now approaching a year ago, but mentioned is all he's obviously done. My family is starting to ask me if we have marriage plans or what is going on, which makes me feel entirely worse about myself. The oddity out of it is I think he's embarassed we are not married... everywhere we go he introduces me as his wife even though my left ring finger screams UNWED! It's also an amazingly hurtful slap in the face to hear him introduce me as his wife because he refuses to acknowledge I want marriage or answer if he truly has any plans of marriage with me. Besides having children together I'm not sure there is any other reason to stick around if commitment isn't apart of his plans...

what is stopping him with getting a ring? why go around lying to everyone that you are his wife and you aren't. is he for real?

[Jahpson]

Originally Posted by Charles

I refuse to get married, and it has absolutely nothing to do with my level of commitment to my gf. I have personal reasons, but that's me. Tell me, why do you want to get married so badly?

does one really need a reason? honestly!!