Welcome to The Purse Forum.

karmenzsofia · Sep 25th, 2009, 12:44 PM

^ They have children together, so "no contact whatsoever" would be out of the question.

ShimmaPuff · Sep 25th, 2009, 01:29 PM

The woods are full of men who didn't marry me. And men I didn't marry.

In fact, Mr Puff is the only man who DID marry me.

And since we are only supposed to marry one person**, it all works out, and I'm sure that the current spouses of all the men I didn't marry appreciate my cooperation.

** I mean that is MY personal preference, I know it's not the same for everybody.

gina2328 · Sep 25th, 2009, 03:22 PM

Originally Posted by karmenzsofia

^ They have children together, so "no contact whatsoever" would be out of the question.

It can be done for a short period of time. She could leave the kids with family possibly, or she could go on a vacation w/kids.

nathansgirl1908 · Sep 25th, 2009, 06:48 PM

Originally Posted by Charles

I refuse to get married, and it has absolutely nothing to do with my level of commitment to my gf. I have personal reasons, but that's me.
Tell me, why do you want to get married so badly?

Just because YOU don't want to get married doesn't mean she isn't entitled to want to get married. Maybe she wants to marry him for the same reason MOST people get married: she loves him.

Sorry but your post just really irked me because it seems to me that based on the facts presented by the op, one would not really feel the need to say something like this. If she has been with the man for years, and she loves him, and they have a child together, why WOULDN'T she want to marry him if she is someone who ultimately wants to get married one day?

To the OP: I disagree with those who say he may be feeling pressured. Honestly I think the reason he hasn't popped the question is because he's already getting everything from you that he would get from a wife without having to marry you. In that kind of situation, men drag their feet and have less of an incentive to get married.

nathansgirl1908 · Sep 25th, 2009, 06:51 PM

Originally Posted by Charles

^^
Your post reeks of negative judgment and generalizations.

Her post reeks of intelligent and common sense. If more women followed her line of thinking they wouldn't keep getting into the messes they find themselves in because they would look for men who treat them the way they should be treated. No offense, but as a woman seeking advice about relationships and men, I would take what you have to say with a grain of salt because your thought process seems to be akin to that of the type of men who cause a lot of heartache because they won't commit but expect to get all the benefits of commitment and ultimately marriage.

nathansgirl1908 · Sep 25th, 2009, 06:55 PM

Originally Posted by gina2328

Also, another opinion, if he wanted to marry you, he would do it in a heartbeat. Something is holding him back. Consider you are not "the one".

.

Yeah, I'm a firm believer that when a man feels like a woman is "the one" and they are both at a relatively reasonable age, he will marry her in a heartbeat.

trend_setter · Sep 25th, 2009, 06:57 PM

i think its better to be single than be married to the wrong one

yenanh00 · Sep 25th, 2009, 09:22 PM

I just want to put in my point of view.. I dont know how is your relationship with your bf is or anything.. Marriage is just a title to me.. I been with my bf for 7 years going on 8 in 2 weeks.. We're practically live like we are marry.. We have kids together.. We have individual and joint bank account together. He do his thing and I do mine. We fight about crazy stuff, but at the end of the day we love each other.. I'm not the type of person to have that whole marriage scene - walking down the aisle and ect.. Right now, since we been together for so long and are living like we are marry, why the marriage? Well by law since we been together for so long, I'm still entitle to everything if something were to happen to him or vice versa... Sometime I even think would marriage change anything that we are doing right now? Nothing maybe just my last name.. Anyway anywhere I go, he still introduce me as his wife, but I still get offend.. I just want the title his gf. Wife sound to formal.. Dont get me wrong here, he have propose and I do have a ring.. Lost the first one and waiting for the 2nd one to come, but anyway, people still call me Mrs. Miyamoto.. I wouldnt think to much about it.. let put it this way if one day I decide to leave my DB, it would be easier to leave him without all the paperwork like divorce paper and ect ect

juneping · Sep 25th, 2009, 09:29 PM

i think it's more important to look hard at your life to find out what you want.
do you want to be with this man you love or you want to be married. you really have to think hard if these are the only two choices that you have and make a decision.
it's kind of put a damp on your r/s if you periodically reminding him to marry you...nobody likes that.
if you really want to get married...may be you need to find someone who want the same thing as you do.
it really comes to if you want to be with him or not. does he have the intention to grow old with you? why a piece of paper so important?

i am reaching to a place that i don't need my bf to marry me bc i want to be with him and i know he wants me along the journey.

Chanel Belle · Sep 26th, 2009, 12:00 AM

Originally Posted by nathansgirl1908

Her post reeks of intelligent and common sense. If more women followed her line of thinking they wouldn't keep getting into the messes they find themselves in because they would look for men who treat them the way they should be treated. No offense, but as a woman seeking advice about relationships and men, I would take what you have to say with a grain of salt because your thought process seems to be akin to that of the type of men who cause a lot of heartache because they won't commit but expect to get all the benefits of commitment and ultimately marriage.

Agree with what you wrote, girl :) no offence to anyone, though.

nathansgirl1908 · Sep 26th, 2009, 12:43 AM

hijack

I know that saying, "to each his/her own" but sometimes I really wonder why people try to reduce marriage to simply a title and piece of paper. Perhaps if you don't have the right mindset, that WOULD be all it is to you, but marriage is far more than that. Sometimes I truly wonder if all the women who say that marriage is just a title of piece of paper are really saying that because their bfs don't want to marry them and they are trying to appear to be as nonchalant as he is. The argument is always that since you are already doing everything you would do with a marriage, why get that piece of paper? Well my argument is why NOT just go ahead and get it. Not every state recognizes common law marriages. Furthermore it isn't smart when it comes to estate planning and other important matters. Hands down spouses will ALWAYS have better protection than a significant other. For women who have children, I don't understand why you would put yourselves in such a precarious situation. Suppose your bf dies one day and you are left with your children. If he didn't have a will, you WON'T inherit under intestate succession. Even in some states where there is common law marriage, the laws are a bit iffy when it comes to intestate succession. If the bf dies testate, the will could be contested and you find yourself tied up in court for years at a time. That doesn't even include pension benefit issues and the like.

Living will issues? Same problem.

So while some try to play it off as just a piece of paper, practically speaking it is far more than that.

And as for the argument about the rate of divorce? SO what? The rates for child abuse are high as well but that does not stop people from having children.

To the OP: sorry for the hijack.

nathansgirl1908 · Sep 26th, 2009, 12:45 AM

Originally Posted by yenanh00

I just want to put in my point of view.. I dont know how is your relationship with your bf is or anything.. Marriage is just a title to me.. I been with my bf for 7 years going on 8 in 2 weeks.. We're practically live like we are marry.. We have kids together.. We have individual and joint bank account together. He do his thing and I do mine. We fight about crazy stuff, but at the end of the day we love each other.. I'm not the type of person to have that whole marriage scene - walking down the aisle and ect.. Right now, since we been together for so long and are living like we are marry, why the marriage? Well by law since we been together for so long, I'm still entitle to everything if something were to happen to him or vice versa... Sometime I even think would marriage change anything that we are doing right now? Nothing maybe just my last name.. Anyway anywhere I go, he still introduce me as his wife, but I still get offend.. I just want the title his gf. Wife sound to formal.. Dont get me wrong here, he have propose and I do have a ring.. Lost the first one and waiting for the 2nd one to come, but anyway, people still call me Mrs. Miyamoto.. I wouldnt think to much about it.. let put it this way if one day I decide to leave my DB, it would be easier to leave him without all the paperwork like divorce paper and ect ect

You think being called "wife" is too formal, yet you live that formality every day?

and how is it easier to walk away just because you aren't married? maybe if you didn't have kids and joint bank accounts, but even if you aren't married, it won't be that easy to walk away.

nataliam1976 · Sep 26th, 2009, 06:04 AM

Originally Posted by nathansgirl1908

Sometimes I truly wonder if all the women who say that marriage is just a title of piece of paper are really saying that because their bfs don't want to marry them and they are trying to appear to be as nonchalant as he is. .

No, they dont. I dont think you realize how offensive this statement is, just because somebody has different values and different priorities in life than you, that doesnt mean that they actually do think like you but since they cant have it they need to hide it.

Its as if I told you that the real reason why you say you dont want kids its because deep down you want them a lot but you have nobody to have them with, KWIM?

nathansgirl1908 · Sep 26th, 2009, 08:42 AM

Originally Posted by nataliam1976

No, they dont. I dont think you realize how offensive this statement is, just because somebody has different values and different priorities in life than you, that doesnt mean that they actually do think like you but since they cant have it they need to hide it.

Its as if I told you that the real reason why you say you dont want kids its because deep down you want them a lot but you have nobody to have them with, KWIM?

That statement has nothing to do with values and is more about consistency. Personally, I'm not sure I WANT to get married, but with that being the case, I'm not going to live a married type of lifestyle (having children, sharing bank accounts, living together, etc). That would be inconsistent with what I'm saying about not wanting to be married. And interestingly enough, for those who say they don't want marriage because of the commitment, um, if you're doing all that stuff anyway, there IS a level of commitment. And as I said before, there are SO many legal issues that can still arise, that it isn't as simple as walking away.

And with respect to the second part of your statement, it isn't appropriate to make references to the content of another thread in such a manner. This was an issue that has been addressed in the past because according to a mod on this site, it is unfair to take what someone said in another thread that isn't related and attempt to throw it in their face in an entirely different, unrelated thread. But since you want to go there, I will use this to make my point more clear. If I'm saying that I don't want kids, but I'm trying to get pregnant or going out and adopting a child, it would be inconsistent. However, I have said that I don't want kids, and I have done my best to fix it so that I WON'T have them.

juneping · Sep 26th, 2009, 10:45 AM

nathansgirl1908
i think a lot of people's messages are marriage is not that important, and that piece of paper is not that important than actually being with the person they love.

i will use myself as example. i do want to get married some day. and my bf just got a divorce. he lost everything to his ex. i can understand how that feel to loss everything he's been working for his entire life. now he is starting from 0. he does want to marry me someday but i am not thinking it as such a big deal. i am okay if we'll never be married. i saw the process and hassel...it really just is a piece of paper. but i agree it's more complicated when a child is involved. the law is very harsh towards men in divorce, especially men with a job a stable income or some kind of assets he had. so i am looking at myself...we are just dating now and we don't own anything or share any bank account together. i tell myself i can be financially independent bc depending on someone else for my welfare is just not wise.

Sep 25th, 2009, 12:44 PM	#31
karmenzsofia Life is Plan Z Joined: Jun 2008 Location: Tarot Card Posts: 14,888	^ They have children together, so "no contact whatsoever" would be out of the question.
	__________________ Satisfied but wishing 4 a WTM Mini and an AP ~~* Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Or, more importantly, is it funny?

Sep 25th, 2009, 01:29 PM	#32
ShimmaPuff Sentient Post Whore Joined: Oct 2006 Location: Earth Posts: 9,626	The woods are full of men who didn't marry me. And men I didn't marry. In fact, Mr Puff is the only man who DID marry me. And since we are only supposed to marry one person, it all works out, and I'm sure that the current spouses of all the men I didn't marry appreciate my cooperation. I mean that is MY personal preference, I know it's not the same for everybody.
	__________________ http://www.tzuchi.org/ http://www.commongroundrelief.org http://www.oxfamunwrapped.com/chooseagift.aspx Your Friendly Resident Poor Person Embrace Inspired Pride! Experimental Blog Follow Me on Twitter

Sep 25th, 2009, 06:57 PM	#37
trend_setter Member Joined: Jun 2009 Posts: 27	i think its better to be single than be married to the wrong one
trend_setter Member Joined: Jun 2009 Posts: 27

Sep 25th, 2009, 09:29 PM	#39
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,344	i think it's more important to look hard at your life to find out what you want. do you want to be with this man you love or you want to be married. you really have to think hard if these are the only two choices that you have and make a decision. it's kind of put a damp on your r/s if you periodically reminding him to marry you...nobody likes that. if you really want to get married...may be you need to find someone who want the same thing as you do. it really comes to if you want to be with him or not. does he have the intention to grow old with you? why a piece of paper so important? i am reaching to a place that i don't need my bf to marry me bc i want to be with him and i know he wants me along the journey.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Sep 26th, 2009, 12:43 AM	#41
nathansgirl1908 Laughing AT you Joined: Apr 2006 Location: The Land of the Biased Posts: 5,013	hijack I know that saying, "to each his/her own" but sometimes I really wonder why people try to reduce marriage to simply a title and piece of paper. Perhaps if you don't have the right mindset, that WOULD be all it is to you, but marriage is far more than that. Sometimes I truly wonder if all the women who say that marriage is just a title of piece of paper are really saying that because their bfs don't want to marry them and they are trying to appear to be as nonchalant as he is. The argument is always that since you are already doing everything you would do with a marriage, why get that piece of paper? Well my argument is why NOT just go ahead and get it. Not every state recognizes common law marriages. Furthermore it isn't smart when it comes to estate planning and other important matters. Hands down spouses will ALWAYS have better protection than a significant other. For women who have children, I don't understand why you would put yourselves in such a precarious situation. Suppose your bf dies one day and you are left with your children. If he didn't have a will, you WON'T inherit under intestate succession. Even in some states where there is common law marriage, the laws are a bit iffy when it comes to intestate succession. If the bf dies testate, the will could be contested and you find yourself tied up in court for years at a time. That doesn't even include pension benefit issues and the like. Living will issues? Same problem. So while some try to play it off as just a piece of paper, practically speaking it is far more than that. And as for the argument about the rate of divorce? SO what? The rates for child abuse are high as well but that does not stop people from having children. To the OP: sorry for the hijack.
	__________________ Before giving someone a piece of your mind, make sure there is enough to go around. "The love inside...you take it with you." Patrick Swayze in Ghost

Sep 25th, 2009, 09:22 PM	#38
yenanh00 Member Joined: Mar 2009 Location: Shoreline, WA Posts: 2,736	I just want to put in my point of view.. I dont know how is your relationship with your bf is or anything.. Marriage is just a title to me.. I been with my bf for 7 years going on 8 in 2 weeks.. We're practically live like we are marry.. We have kids together.. We have individual and joint bank account together. He do his thing and I do mine. We fight about crazy stuff, but at the end of the day we love each other.. I'm not the type of person to have that whole marriage scene - walking down the aisle and ect.. Right now, since we been together for so long and are living like we are marry, why the marriage? Well by law since we been together for so long, I'm still entitle to everything if something were to happen to him or vice versa... Sometime I even think would marriage change anything that we are doing right now? Nothing maybe just my last name.. Anyway anywhere I go, he still introduce me as his wife, but I still get offend.. I just want the title his gf. Wife sound to formal.. Dont get me wrong here, he have propose and I do have a ring.. Lost the first one and waiting for the 2nd one to come, but anyway, people still call me Mrs. Miyamoto.. I wouldnt think to much about it.. let put it this way if one day I decide to leave my DB, it would be easier to leave him without all the paperwork like divorce paper and ect ect

Sep 26th, 2009, 10:45 AM	#45
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,344	nathansgirl1908 i think a lot of people's messages are marriage is not that important, and that piece of paper is not that important than actually being with the person they love. i will use myself as example. i do want to get married some day. and my bf just got a divorce. he lost everything to his ex. i can understand how that feel to loss everything he's been working for his entire life. now he is starting from 0. he does want to marry me someday but i am not thinking it as such a big deal. i am okay if we'll never be married. i saw the process and hassel...it really just is a piece of paper. but i agree it's more complicated when a child is involved. the law is very harsh towards men in divorce, especially men with a job a stable income or some kind of assets he had. so i am looking at myself...we are just dating now and we don't own anything or share any bank account together. i tell myself i can be financially independent bc depending on someone else for my welfare is just not wise.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Welcome to The Purse Forum.

Our Purse Forum, or TPF, is the #1 online social network for everything designer handbag related. Join over 200,000 enthusiastic members in this friendly community and start engaging in the discussion today.