Anyone else ever ran into a man who won't marry you??

[nooch]

This is a hard question to ask, and probably a harder question to answer - out of love, or out of habit/fear of the unknown? While I don't believe in "once a cheater always a cheater" in the slightest, it does not sound like this guy will stay on the up and up (a lot of your phrasing indicates you do not believe it either).

There are a lot of men in the world who are not liars and cheaters, remember that.

That said, if you decide that you DO want to stay with him, the only way to answer your question of "why aren't we married" is to ask HIM.

[Jeneen]

It's more like I won't marry them

[bagnshoofetish]

How long has he been in counseling? If I were you, I would be more concerned about him fixing himself so he can be a whole person for you and your kids. The fact that he is in counseling says a lot about him that is good. He might be overwhelmed by the therapy he is going through - one thing at a time, you know? Be supportive and loving - theres no reason why that should change just because you don't have a ring on your finger. If marriage is right for you both, you both have to feel its right. You are already a family. If one person presses for something the other is not ready for, for whatever reason, you will drive that person away. I don't understand why people think marriage is a magic potion that will make things better. If it were, the divorce rate would not be so high. Whatever it is you guys have will grow no matter what and after 7 or 8 years the law considers you in a common law marriage anyway. I hope you both get what you want and most of all, that your kids are happy.

[MidNiteSun]

Originally Posted by gina2328

He cheated and lied to you and you want to marry him. IMO, once a liar/cheater, always a cheater/liar. Why? Big red flags are waving. You can do better than him. Any guy that does not want to put a ring on your finger after being together for years and producing children is not a man in my eyes. That in itself is a deception. I would kick this guy to the curb and find someone that will not cheat or lie to you and treat you the way you deserve. Then if things are going well, hopefully marriage will be somewhere down the road, if that is what you both want.

well said. i also agree with charles. why do u want to get married so badly? is it just for the name or for the kids? what about for u? imo, u dont have to be married to be happy. my dh proposed to me only after 3 months of dating. i said yes but i refused to set a date. our engagement lasted 6yrs. we've been happily married for 2 yrs & 2.5 months.

my point is that only get married only if u both want to, u both love each other, and u really trust him...not bcuz of pressure.

[Charles]

Originally Posted by SABSMomma

Thank you for responding with your thoughts- All of your thoughts. It is appreciated. Why do I want to get married so badly? I think desperation isn't an emotion I'm feeling, it's being told a year was in the future and then having the future not hold marriage. It tends to make me thing there is something wrong... And Yes to everyone- the reason for wanting marriage is out of love and not for the sake of our children.

Like Nooch said, the only way to know that is to sit down and talk with him. Ask him if there's something wrong. Explain that you're not in a rush, per se, but given that he said it would be a year, and it's past that, you want to make sure everything is OK on his end.

[Green Zebra]

I don't think I could say "once a cheater, always as cheater"....but the OP has said this is a consistent pattern, no?? I would be concerned about that.

My DH wanted to get married 8 years ago, but we only recently got married. I felt I was still reeling from a bad marriage in the past, and was a little gun shy. I had been in a controlling marriage in the past, and enjoyed my new freedom and independence, and viewed marriage as something possibly stifling that...as it had in the past.

[Green Zebra]

Oh, as to marriage....

Yes, I think there is a difference between living together and being married (in my case and in my opinion) Living together....I sometimes thought when the relationship was tough, hey, I immediately thought, well!...I could just pack up and leave. So there!! (well, I never did, though....) I think being married makes me feel more of a willingness to work things out, since I know we are committed in a psychologically deeper manner.

[karmenzsofia]

Originally Posted by dallas

I think if he was embarrassed about not being married he would have done something about it by now, don't you think? I get the impression that it just isn't that important to him. Either way, it would benefit you to sit down and have a good old fashioned talk and find out what his intentions are. Good luck. Oh and a question: do you love one another, or do you want to be married for the sake of the children?

ITA. If anything, he could be introducing you as his wife to please you.

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

How long has he been in counseling? If I were you, I would be more concerned about him fixing himself so he can be a whole person for you and your kids. The fact that he is in counseling says a lot about him that is good. He might be overwhelmed by the therapy he is going through - one thing at a time, you know? Be supportive and loving - theres no reason why that should change just because you don't have a ring on your finger. If marriage is right for you both, you both have to feel its right. You are already a family. If one person presses for something the other is not ready for, for whatever reason, you will drive that person away. I don't understand why people think marriage is a magic potion that will make things better. If it were, the divorce rate would not be so high. Whatever it is you guys have will grow no matter what and after 7 or 8 years the law considers you in a common law marriage anyway. I hope you both get what you want and most of all, that your kids are happy.

^Ditto. One of the first things you said about him is that he lied and cheated up a storm. People don't change overnight--IF they change.

So many women are in the same position: they want to get married and are counting the days, the weeks, the months, the years...waiting for a proposal. If you want to get married, why wait for him to ask, why not propose to him? Why is the progression of a relationship left up to the man? Why is a man's timing more important than the woman's? I don't buy that it's just a matter of tradition. I think it has to do with knowing that there's a good chance he'll say "no" or "not yet." And then, what do you do? Do you leave, do you stay, do you push, do you wait? I would like to see women being more assertive -- not in a pushy, demanding way, but in a confident way -- about what they want.

[ChanelMommy]

Originally Posted by Jeneen

It's more like I won't marry them

I agree. Are you happy with him? Would marriage make it better?

[petitechouchou]

It sounds complicated to be honest with you. I hope things work out for you

[SABSMomma]

Originally Posted by karmenzsofia

ITA. If anything, he could be introducing you as his wife to please you. I'm not too sure why he does besides thinking he is embarassed that he hasn't...he does know that it makes me uncomfortable to be called "wife" when I am not so I am not sure why he does it! ^Ditto. One of the first things you said about him is that he lied and cheated up a storm. People don't change overnight--IF they change. So many women are in the same position: they want to get married and are counting the days, the weeks, the months, the years...waiting for a proposal. If you want to get married, why wait for him to ask, why not propose to him? Why is the progression of a relationship left up to the man? Why is a man's timing more important than the woman's? I don't buy that it's just a matter of tradition. I think it has to do with knowing that there's a good chance he'll say "no" or "not yet." And then, what do you do? Do you leave, do you stay, do you push, do you wait? I would like to see women being more assertive -- not in a pushy, demanding way, but in a confident way -- about what they want.

I did not even bother going into too deep of detail on our past history within the marriage topic- I have asked him and we have discussed it, numerous times. The last time was a week ago when my mom wanted to put his name and mine with HIS last name on her will thinking that my name would soon share his... Can we say awkward?

[karmenzsofia]

Well, all you can do is talk to him about it and/or get on one knee and propose to him.

[Chanel Belle]

i don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be married. if you want marriage and he doesn't, it's time to have a talk with him and see where he sees both of you in 5 years time.

[shazzy99]

Yes. I was with my ex for 8 years and even though we discussed it for the past few years, I don't think he was up to the responsibilities that come with having a family and buying a home etc. I could see him keep coming up with excuses for commitment each time it was brought up, so I chose to walk away. It was very very hard, but in the end it was best.

I think you should talk it over and re-evaluate your relationship and discuss where your future is heading, as sometimes the other person may not want the same thing as you, even though you may make it very clear.

[gina2328]

OP, how many years have you been together?

Also, another opinion, if he wanted to marry you, he would do it in a heartbeat. Something is holding him back. Consider you are not "the one".

Sometimes it takes action to spur a reaction if this is what you really want. Why not tell him you want a break from the relationship to "think things over". Take a couple of weeks apart with NO CONTACT WHATSOVER and see what happens. If it is meant to be and he wants to marry you, you will find out quickly after a few weeks. A few weeks apart is not the end of the world.