Annoying aunts getting on my nerves!

[Gelare]

Sorry I have to rant here and get some advice before I lose control and end up slapping my own aunts.

I've been with my boyfriend for many years now, and recently we announced our plans to get married.
Instead of feeling happy for us, my mom's 2 sisters are anything but.
they seem to be so against our marriage, telling me to drop him.
and we're talking about 2 people whom I never really saw as I grew up, because I have always been closer to my dad's side of the family.
and these 2 "strangers", suddenly appear to wanna control my life!

telling me I should not be with my guy anymore, accusing me of being rude and willful and not listening to their advice.
and for the record, they dont even know my bf.. they only met him a coupla times during family functions and new year gatherings.
they dont even know him well enough to judge him or determine whether I should or shouldnt marry him. Who are they to judge?

Just the other day, one of my mom's sisters, had asked to speak to me in front of my mom, saying she wanted to "trash things out" with me.
I was like.. WTH.. I asked whats the objective of the conversation but she wouldnt say, and has chased my dad's sister (my main guardian) out of the room, demanding "privacy".
but I obliged because I didnt wana appear rude.
But in the end, all she did was to accuse me of hating her (which honestly I cant care less for someone I dont really know, other than the fact that she is related to me by blood).
and said that I am willful and dont listen to her good advice, dis-respect her blah blah blah.
Before she could finish, I cut her off and walked out of the room in much anger.

I told my dad and he was furious of course, and so am I.
I'm not the sort to pick fights with people.
But I am just wondering, if they do this again to me, demanding to "trash things out" with me, and insisting that I leave my bf, what should I do?
How do I deal with her? Reject her by saying "Sorry I dont wish to discuss my personal issues with you"?
Be sarcastic and rude back to her by telling her to get her act together and start minding her own business?
I dont know exactly WHY she is so against my bf. I mean, it's not like he is a jobless useless bummer who goes around cheating $$ or breaking girls' hearts.
And he treats my family (them wicked sisters included) & I very well.

P.s. the aunt that confronted me is not married and has been cohabiting with another female who appears to be "masculine". if that's the way to put it gently across.
I seriously dont know what's up with her. She;s got issues.

[trixz]

I'm wondering if your mom can do something about it since they're sisters?

Whatever we do, families will always have something to say, good or bad. It's inevitable. I understand it's annoying but this is your life, your decision. She can't stop you. Maybe next time when she starts again, you could tell her politely that you appreciate her concern but this is what you've decided. Period.

Sorry if I'm not of much help here but I really understand your frustration as I get that too sometimes (thank god not as extreme).

[Speedy]

Are you over 18? Good, then you are under no obligation to listen to them.

Tell them, "I love you, but I'm old enough to make my own decisions. If you loved me, you'd stand beside them, since you taught me all your ways and morals. If you can't, well, I'll miss you."

Stand strong. I had to tell my own mother something like this when she thought I was "settleling" for the man I am married to now.

Good luck!

[Gelare]

Thanks for the kind words, Trixz and Speedy.
Trixz > My mum unfortunately sides with her own sisters because she is not impartial and has biased opinions. For this same reason my dad & her often face communication problems.

Speedy> I am already 25. But this woman thinks she has every right to take over my parents' role and run my life. and I'm not even close to her. We only see each other less than 5 times a year, during New yr and gatherings. And she just suddenly appeared after hearing news about my marriage plans, and wana control me.
But I respect you for being so sure of what you want and being so strong to see your decision through.
it must've been difficult at first, but the way I see it, it's esential. especially for parents who think they have every right to dictate their children's lives.

[trixz]

Tell me about it. Every year when our family meet during Christmas, my aunt whom I see ONCE A YEAR will start telling me how you should settle down and have kids, why are you wearing this, where are you staying now? Oh this and that... I just look at her blankly and let her finish before I politely excuse myself. I don't wanna be rude. It's a gathering. I see her only that time. She meant well (at least that's what she thinks). Bottom line, you can't stop them from talking about it. Just take it one ear in, one ear out.

[Speedy]

Gelare, is it a cultural thing for you, that the older women (I know some Asian, American Indian and East Indian cultures are like this) think they have a right to get into your face?

If you only see her five times a year, do you wish to cut this back to even less? I'm at the age now where if a family member is treating me like this, (my father comes to mind, he interfered in ever aspect of my adult life until he had his strokes and couldn't talk, then his wife, my step-mother continued for him... both regretted it because I refused to go see him in the VA and didn't go to his funeral.)

If you can cut back seeing them, and they ask why, be straight foward and tell them how you think. It'll do one of two things. They will either stop pestering you and declare you "dead" or they will stop pestering you and enjoy you for who you are, a GROWN niece. But you must be willing to risk it all for the possibility of them decided to excommunicate you from their part of the family.

My mother's people taught me respect, but they gave it too. It's obvious to me that they don't like your bf, and turn the tables, saying YOU are the rude one. They are not giving advice dear one, they are barking orders at you. Don't listen. I really have the feeling they need you more than you need them. Be strong!

[susieserb]

OMGOSH you owe this woman NO EXPLANATIONS or APPOLOGIES. Goodness never honor ugly behavior especially from a woman who has not even earned the HONOR to demonstrated an opinion. An opinion that wasn't even solicited. It's none of her business how you a 25 year old woman conducts your affairs.

In a polite way say it's NOYB and simply leave the room. You're an adult that's about to be married, you seperate from your family and cleave to your husband and future family which will be your children. Don't let these people boss you around and I'm sorry that includes your mom. Especially when it will be to the detriment of your marriage. START NOW.

[Speedy]

^^^ita!

[Gelare]

Hi Speedy, yeah I suppose it is a cultural thing. But thankfully not everyone in the family is like my mum and her sisters. At least my father's side of the relations are very nice and they give advice but they respect that I can make my own decisions too.

Worse comes to worse, if they decide to ex-communicate me, I'm totally fine with it because I am not close to them to begin with.
but that's if they choose to do it because I am not petty and unreasonable like them.
I think they dont like my bf because he is not Christian..they told me to "leave him and find a Christian bf."
I dont care if they like or dislike my bf because their opinions do not matter to us, and they prob dislike him because of stupid reasons like religion.
I just think it is absurd for grownups to behave this way.

[susieserb]

Oooops religion is not a stupid reason. If your a Christian and he is not, yikes. It's not good if your a Muslim marrying a Christian or a Morman marrying a Budda. Because when you have children all this stuff DOES MATTER and then the fights begin.

You hinted that your aunt was a lesbian but in the same breath your saying she's a Christian?? That's confusing? This all doesn't add up???

[Gelare]

susieserb yes she is a Christian but her female partner with whom she cohabits with happens to be the pastor of the church she goes to. At family gatherings, the pastor addresses my aunt as "darling" and sometimes puts her arm around my aunt.
She has denied everything about her sexuality, and I really dont wana poke my nose into her private life affairs.


My family is not Christian, my mum and my entire family are Buddhists, so is my bf and his family. so it really is none of her business what religion we are, and telling me to dump my bf to marry a christian is just so crazy, unless i am a Christian myself.
And because I am not Christian (though I sometimes go to church with friends), I dont really know whether lesbianism and gay are "allowed" in the religion.

Edit to add: Sorry if it sounds confusing, but in my country we practice multi-racial and multi-religion policies.
So, everyone is free to choose their own religion, cross-marry etc, and it is acceptable.

[Speedy]

So the Aunts are Christian, and you, your Mom, and your bf are Buddists. Well, if they are against you marrying a man who shares your religon but not theirs, who's the nuts here? Tell the Aunts to change, then everyone can be happpy. :-)

Gelare, it sounds like losing them as far as aunts wouldn't bother you as much as it would bother them. And that's what they want, for you to choose between your bf and them. They think if you are given an ultimatum, they will pick you, can you imagine their shock when you leave with HIM? I'd love to be a fly on the wall.

You are old enough and smart enough to make your own choices. Stay the track you've laid with your man and let them quibble all they want. It sounds like to me they are judging your bf by his race, religion (or lack of) or, possibly, and this is a little out there, his gender. (Hey, it's been known to happen!) You and your guy be happy, let the old ladies do their thing without you.

[Gelare]

I think every religion preaches about love and goodness.
and we accept our friends and family for who they are, not because of their skin color, religion, or sexuality.

thanks for the good advice everyone.
I have made up my mind and will stay strong, and not let some wierd people boss me around n tell me how I should be living my life.

[sonya]

Does your immediate family, the ones who know your boyfriend, approve of him?

If so, ignore your aunts.

Don't take "advice" or even give a moment's of thought to people whose opinion does not matter. Only listen to constructive criticism. They don't know him, they have no right to judge.

Have your parents talk to your aunts. And avoid them to keep your sanity.

Good luck!