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BagLadie · Oct 7th, 2009, 07:37 PM

Haven't been on here ina while. Thought I would update you all on my life. As most of you know - I'm in therapy with my husband - and in therapy on my own. I have so many therapists these days its making me crazy (pun intended).

I have reached my breaking point. Ive been honest with my husband in therapy - but then we go home and everything remains the same. I keep the peace - it's what I do. He has the highest hopes. He's been going to the gym like crazy - buying himself new clothes - doing his hair differently. Breaking my heart because it's not his looks that has me wanting out of this marriage. What I learned in therapy is.....there is zero chemistry between us. Well, at least on my part. He loves me, wants me and will go to the ends of the earth to save our marriage. Me? Not so much. I can't do it anymore. I did try. For years. And even in therapy I was open minded. Hell, we have 3 kids together and a beautiful "life". But I am not in love. Point blank, I'm revolted by him. He's clean, he's not disgusting by any means, but I can't stand to be touched by him - the only way I can describe the feeling is - it's like being touched by your brother. I care for him - even love him in the sense that we've been married for 14 years and have 3 kids together. But the romantic love isn't there and hasn't for YEARS.....and I'm not sure it ever really was.

He dug up old "love letters" I had written him about 13 years ago. I read them in disbelief. Did I really feel that way?? I think I was in love with the idea of being married and wanted it to all be perfect. But I never remember wanting him like he wanted me. There was never much passion if at all any.

So here I am.....14 yrs later and miserably sad. I gave it my all. I truly did. I look at my children and my heart breaks. I never thought my kids would come from a broken home.

We see our therapist again on Friday and I have to break his heart again - i do that at every session - and it kills me. But then we go home and go about life. I think he feels as long as we're in therapy then everything is ok...and that we are working on things.

I hate breaking his heart. He didn't deserve this. But I can't help the way I feel about him, can I? Keep me in your thoughts because this truly has to be the hardest time in my life for me. I'm a mess.

Feels good to share with all of you. Thank you for reading.

gillianna · Oct 7th, 2009, 08:22 PM

I think it takes great strenght to move on and realize that it is not working and can't be fixed. I have seen too many friends stay in bad marriages for the sake of the kids and then when the kids are in college they sit and wonder why they are so unhappy. It has to be very stressful for you but there come a time in life when your needs have to come first. I wish you the best. HUGS.

ZippyWho · Oct 7th, 2009, 08:56 PM

Glad you are going to therapy. This is a journey which will help you decide on your path. GL.

KMBS · Oct 7th, 2009, 09:03 PM

I am sorry you are going through this, you are a very strong woman, good luck!!!

domlee · Oct 7th, 2009, 09:11 PM

I'm not in your shoes, so I really have nothing to say other than to be sure of your decision. I'm sure your therapist(s) have already spoken to you about depression. If not, please look into it. It really does alter thoughts/feelings.

I wish you and your family the best! Take care.

sonya · Oct 7th, 2009, 09:16 PM

:( Good luck.

jenniferelaine · Oct 7th, 2009, 10:04 PM

Thinking of you & wishing you the very best!

shanam · Oct 7th, 2009, 11:31 PM

Do you feel passion at all - I mean when you see a good looking man or an actor or anyone that has sparked that chemistry in you?
This is not to suggest you cheat but maybe you have a low libido and could benefit from some individual counseling to explore your lack of desire. If you get along and have a nice life and he is really trying to be more "desirable" saying you find him revolting makes me think there are some deeper issues you aren't able to understand.
I wish you the best of luck and hope that the right kind of therapy can help you.

baby&melovelv · Oct 8th, 2009, 12:31 AM

hey ann- always thinking of you and hoping for the best. pm me anytime. xoxo

MyMyMy · Oct 8th, 2009, 05:50 AM

Thank you for sharing. I hope that everything you want will be what you WANT. If there is really NOTHING in the world that will help you out then there may be nothing left to do but leave. I wish you all the best.

yeliab · Oct 8th, 2009, 06:08 AM

Hope you find your way... just want you to be Happy... Wishing and hoping the absolute BEST for you!!

EMMY · Oct 8th, 2009, 07:31 AM

Oh this is tough.....when you look into the fututre..what do you see? What does your therapist recommend...do they give you any input or just listen?...Man my heart goes out for you....hang in there my friend!

krisluvspurses · Oct 8th, 2009, 07:46 AM

Hi Ann,
I remember reading your previous thread. I have no advice for you, as this is a really complicated situation. But, you are in my thoughts, and I wish you nothing the best.

mombug · Oct 8th, 2009, 08:35 AM

Hi Ann, I felt so sad when I read your post. My heart truly breaks for you and your husband. I can sense the feeling of desperation and anguish and can only hope that you get to a place where you feel safe and comfortable with the decisions you will certainly have to make. I can offer no advice, because these situations are so personal and the consequences of our decisions are personal as well. You are in my thoughts and I wish only the best for you in this most difficult situation.

zoeyjoey · Oct 8th, 2009, 08:41 AM

Gosh, it is so hard to keep a marriage going strong when both parties are on the same page, I can't imagine how difficult this time must be for you. I truly wish you and your DH all the best. You seem like a very intelligent, level-headed person so I am sure you will find peace one day soon.

Oct 7th, 2009, 07:37 PM	#1
BagLadie OP Got a handle on it Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 7,002	and yet...another update on BagLadie Haven't been on here ina while. Thought I would update you all on my life. As most of you know - I'm in therapy with my husband - and in therapy on my own. I have so many therapists these days its making me crazy (pun intended). I have reached my breaking point. Ive been honest with my husband in therapy - but then we go home and everything remains the same. I keep the peace - it's what I do. He has the highest hopes. He's been going to the gym like crazy - buying himself new clothes - doing his hair differently. Breaking my heart because it's not his looks that has me wanting out of this marriage. What I learned in therapy is.....there is zero chemistry between us. Well, at least on my part. He loves me, wants me and will go to the ends of the earth to save our marriage. Me? Not so much. I can't do it anymore. I did try. For years. And even in therapy I was open minded. Hell, we have 3 kids together and a beautiful "life". But I am not in love. Point blank, I'm revolted by him. He's clean, he's not disgusting by any means, but I can't stand to be touched by him - the only way I can describe the feeling is - it's like being touched by your brother. I care for him - even love him in the sense that we've been married for 14 years and have 3 kids together. But the romantic love isn't there and hasn't for YEARS.....and I'm not sure it ever really was. He dug up old "love letters" I had written him about 13 years ago. I read them in disbelief. Did I really feel that way?? I think I was in love with the idea of being married and wanted it to all be perfect. But I never remember wanting him like he wanted me. There was never much passion if at all any. So here I am.....14 yrs later and miserably sad. I gave it my all. I truly did. I look at my children and my heart breaks. I never thought my kids would come from a broken home. We see our therapist again on Friday and I have to break his heart again - i do that at every session - and it kills me. But then we go home and go about life. I think he feels as long as we're in therapy then everything is ok...and that we are working on things. I hate breaking his heart. He didn't deserve this. But I can't help the way I feel about him, can I? Keep me in your thoughts because this truly has to be the hardest time in my life for me. I'm a mess. Feels good to share with all of you. Thank you for reading.
	__________________ If life hands you lemons, make a vodka and lemonade. Then use the rest on your elbows.

Oct 7th, 2009, 08:22 PM	#2
gillianna Member Joined: Dec 2005 Posts: 4,078	I think it takes great strenght to move on and realize that it is not working and can't be fixed. I have seen too many friends stay in bad marriages for the sake of the kids and then when the kids are in college they sit and wonder why they are so unhappy. It has to be very stressful for you but there come a time in life when your needs have to come first. I wish you the best. HUGS.
gillianna Member Joined: Dec 2005 Posts: 4,078

Oct 7th, 2009, 08:56 PM	#3
ZippyWho Member Joined: Apr 2009 Posts: 337	Glad you are going to therapy. This is a journey which will help you decide on your path. GL.
ZippyWho Member Joined: Apr 2009 Posts: 337

Oct 7th, 2009, 09:03 PM	#4
KMBS Member Joined: Mar 2008 Location: New York Posts: 784	I am sorry you are going through this, you are a very strong woman, good luck!!!
	__________________ Fixing the economy, one bag at a time....

Oct 7th, 2009, 09:16 PM	#6
sonya Member Joined: Feb 2006 Posts: 5,104	:( Good luck.
sonya Member Joined: Feb 2006 Posts: 5,104

Oct 7th, 2009, 09:11 PM	#5
domlee Member Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 949	I'm not in your shoes, so I really have nothing to say other than to be sure of your decision. I'm sure your therapist(s) have already spoken to you about depression. If not, please look into it. It really does alter thoughts/feelings. I wish you and your family the best! Take care.

Oct 7th, 2009, 10:04 PM	#7
jenniferelaine Member Joined: May 2006 Posts: 1,377	Thinking of you & wishing you the very best!
jenniferelaine Member Joined: May 2006 Posts: 1,377

Oct 7th, 2009, 11:31 PM	#8
shanam 60 is the new 40 LOL Joined: Aug 2006 Location: Connecticut Posts: 1,568	Do you feel passion at all - I mean when you see a good looking man or an actor or anyone that has sparked that chemistry in you? This is not to suggest you cheat but maybe you have a low libido and could benefit from some individual counseling to explore your lack of desire. If you get along and have a nice life and he is really trying to be more "desirable" saying you find him revolting makes me think there are some deeper issues you aren't able to understand. I wish you the best of luck and hope that the right kind of therapy can help you.
	__________________ MY VERY BEST GIRL SO VERY DEARLY LOVED. FOREVER MISSING YOU 09 jan 09

Oct 8th, 2009, 12:31 AM	#9
baby&melovelv That's what she said Joined: Aug 2006 Location: boston-ish Posts: 2,576	hey ann- always thinking of you and hoping for the best. pm me anytime. xoxo
	__________________

Oct 8th, 2009, 05:50 AM	#10
MyMyMy Member Joined: Jul 2009 Location: Rhode Island Posts: 396	Thank you for sharing. I hope that everything you want will be what you WANT. If there is really NOTHING in the world that will help you out then there may be nothing left to do but leave. I wish you all the best.

Oct 8th, 2009, 06:08 AM	#11
yeliab Luxury = Purses Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 2,025	Hope you find your way... just want you to be Happy... Wishing and hoping the absolute BEST for you!!
yeliab Luxury = Purses Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 2,025

Oct 8th, 2009, 07:31 AM	#12
EMMY Member Joined: Aug 2006 Location: Syracuse , New York Posts: 6,735	Oh this is tough.....when you look into the fututre..what do you see? What does your therapist recommend...do they give you any input or just listen?...Man my heart goes out for you....hang in there my friend!
	__________________ Emmy

Oct 8th, 2009, 07:46 AM	#13
krisluvspurses Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 1,411	Hi Ann, I remember reading your previous thread. I have no advice for you, as this is a really complicated situation. But, you are in my thoughts, and I wish you nothing the best.
krisluvspurses Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 1,411

Oct 8th, 2009, 08:35 AM	#14
mombug Member Joined: Apr 2007 Location: New England Posts: 1,920	Hi Ann, I felt so sad when I read your post. My heart truly breaks for you and your husband. I can sense the feeling of desperation and anguish and can only hope that you get to a place where you feel safe and comfortable with the decisions you will certainly have to make. I can offer no advice, because these situations are so personal and the consequences of our decisions are personal as well. You are in my thoughts and I wish only the best for you in this most difficult situation.
	__________________ I'm a driver, I'm a winner, things are gonna change, I can feel it. Beck

Oct 8th, 2009, 08:41 AM	#15
zoeyjoey Member Joined: Jun 2009 Location: East Coast Posts: 255	Gosh, it is so hard to keep a marriage going strong when both parties are on the same page, I can't imagine how difficult this time must be for you. I truly wish you and your DH all the best. You seem like a very intelligent, level-headed person so I am sure you will find peace one day soon.

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