[mjlover1977]

SORRY ABOUT THE LONG POST

Gals - i need you to tell me whether im being dumb or not. here's my situ:

1. ive been with my wonderful boy for over 3 and half years
2. im 31, he is 30
3. he loves me, but i feel deep down that i love him more. he says this is dumb and all my friends think he is madly in love with me
4. i told him upfront that i want to get married and have a kid ... its been my dream
5. he says thats what he wants too
6. i told him that i didnt want to rush into living together ... i want to move in only if its cause we are progressing to marriage
7. he NEVER freaks out when i talk about the future, in fact he wants us to buy our place together next year. he puts all his money into his mortgage so that we are future proofed from a financial POV ...
8. on my 31st b'day this year i told him i wanted to try to have a baby 2 years time. he said yes! he then said that if i want to have a baby when im 33 we have to try in 18 months time ... i was shocked and pleased
9. he KNOWS that i wont buy with him unless we are engaged, he knows i want to have baby when we are married
10. ive now lived with him for almost a year


i have no ring, and i cant see him getting me one. My gut says its not happening. I mean, he has said all this stuff, and he is a really honest good man. LiKE A GOOOD man. He wants to be a dad, he is in love with me. Whats holding him up?? Its becoming all encompassing for me and i hate that. i hate that im ready and wanting it but have to tread carefully cause he has to make the decision.

it sucks and i dont know what to do.
I need you gals to honestly tell me what u think - am i just going to have to wait it out or will i become one of those gals who buys a place with her boy and just falls pregnant ... all without the ring.

I hate this feeling - like im not good enough to be his wife. Why am i ready? he talks about it all the time - but its just not happening.

Maybe im not good enough. i was so insecure at the start of our relationship (my fault ... i just never felt so intensely about a man)

help gals!!! PLEASE.

[LadyLinda]

It's so clear you want to be married before a house and having a child. What is it you are waiting for from him? Just wondering, because you don't have to have an engagement before getting married, especially as you've been together for a few years. I mean, engagements are lovely, and if you want to have that period, go for it, but it sounds like you and he haven't even agreed to get engaged.

Your situation sounds very romantic, but also very undefined. I'm not sure these plans to buy a house together would protect you in the event the relationship ended. You could end up with a baby and no house. If you're worried about the relationship ending, don't commit to either a financial partnership or, even more important, bringing a child into the world.

I guess the main question is what is holding you back from marrying now? Are you waiting for him to propose? You want this to be his decision? Is it possible he's waiting until he knows YOU are sure?

[mjlover1977]

hey ladylinda - thnx ... honestly, i am so damn overt in my want to get married its almost laughable. he knows that is what i want. ive been very clear. i dont want the big wedding ... i just want us to be married. to have a family. US ... you know?
we have the odd night 'out' ... where things get a bit trashy (only special occasions like b'days and nye) and thats when it kinda comes out ... last b'day i even flat out said ' do u think we'll get engaged this year?' and he said 'yeah, i suppose' ...

but its already end JUNE and i dont think its happening.
On the weekends he goes to auctions to check out the market ... he doesnt spend any money on himself so that he can pay off as much as possible from his mortgage so that when w have a kid i cant take time off work ... all these plans are his ... but when you come back to whats happening today, it doesnt feel (to me, in my gut) that there is a proposal.

what do i do? do i tell him - but that just makes me feel like i pressuring him. i guess my question is whats taking so long? if im not 'good enough' now then ill never be.

i love this man more than anything ever and he has been so good to me - i really believe he is the one and he says im the one ... so whats the hold up?

[nataliam1976]

uuugh I am so so sorry babe, I know you would be a wonderful wife !

I guess he is the only one that knows the answer...was his parents´marriage happy? is there anything in his past that might have been putting him off?

[mjlover1977]

hey hon - his parents (and mine) are still together and loving life. i know he worries about money, not that he needs to as we are both on over $100k each ... his mum raised the kids, she never worked out of the home ... i guess i just hate the feeling that i am ready and may not be. in which case ... will that ever change? why would he be talking about the baby thing if he cant even put a ring on my finger?
i know you gals cant know ... but if im being a fool then i want you to tell me. i need my girls and their advice ... x

[nataliam1976]

i dont know sweetie, but hey you read my thread, I never cared about it and look where I ended up..so maybe one day he will wake up and realize thats the way he wants to go too, you know?

But definitely dont ask him and dont push him, if he is anything like me it will just make him NOT want to do it. I hate pressure and he might too.

[dallas]

Do you get the feeling that you are doing all the talking and planning with regards to your future together and he is just smiling and nodding? I don't think that you are a fool, not one bit, but you are coming across as very uneasy and if you are not careful this is going to consume you to the point where you appear desperate. You will focus on it so much that it will be the only thing that matters. My advice is to make haste slowly. He knows how you feel, so give yourself (and him) a break from all the talking and let him process it all. Smile, be happy, and instead of trying to convince him verbally that you are the one, show him. Have faith that everything will happen exactly how and when it's supposed to. Good luck.

[abbygirl]

MJ, I am going to go the other route here and say that maybe you should ask him to marry you. Why not? Why does it have to be him that asks? Do you need it to be traditional?

It can be just as romantic as if he were asking.

You sound so excited about wanting to get married and have a baby. And YOU SHOULD. He may very well be comfortable with the situation the way it is now. But if just living together is not enough, don't cheat yourself out of what you want for his sake. You deserve everything you dream.

I wish you luck!!!

[GirlFriday]

I would give it some time, say, until the end of the year and just don't mention it anymore until then. Then if a sufficient amount of time has gone by and he still hasn't acted, then I would talk to him. I'm not talking about some ultimatum. Just be honest and tell him what you want and see what he wants. If you want to get married and have children, you should have those things. If he doesn't want those things he needs to be upfront with you, so you don't waste anymore time with him. He might idealistically want marriage and kids, but when it comes to reality, he might not want them so soon. Of course, he could want them as soon and as bad as you do, but he might just be oblivious to how the wait is making you so anxious. I hope it works out for you!

[couturequeen]

I'd talk to him about when he sees marriage in the future and let him know that this is important to you prior to having kids. He may already think of himself as engaged to you, if all you've detailed is correct. If having a ring is important to you, make sure he is aware of it. Maybe he's already planning on getting you one but hasn't talked about it because he wants it to be a surprise.

[Allisonfaye]

I am guessing that he is planning a surprise. All his answers are positive and he is saving money. Sounds like he is buying a ring.

[lovinalotofbags]

Originally Posted by abbygirl

MJ, I am going to go the other route here and say that maybe you should ask him to marry you. Why not? Why does it have to be him that asks? Do you need it to be traditional?

It can be just as romantic as if he were asking.

You sound so excited about wanting to get married and have a baby. And YOU SHOULD. He may very well be comfortable with the situation the way it is now. But if just living together is not enough, don't cheat yourself out of what you want for his sake. You deserve everything you dream.

I wish you luck!!!

That is what I was going to say. Ask him to marry you and then you will have your answer.

[VPT]

Hmm I admire your patience and your gullibility
If it was me I would have long given an ultimatum. I don't believe in waiting and I always cut my losses. I have to previous bfs, had no qualms giving ultimatums, and never looked back. I guess it's where you should prioritize - do you want to be a wife-mother or do you rather just want to spend the rest of your life with him? You have put all the love you have for him aside and seriously consider this. If you really want to be married then only you will know the answer.

You see, men generally take their time in getting married. Of course there are guys in this world that are quick to propose and wed, but not every guy has the same mindset. For most it is being financially stable that is their main concern, not a matter of having money but rather having their debts paid off or substantial money set aside for new house, car, and perhaps emergency funds. I don't know what kind of guy you have - is he miserly? Is he thrifty? If he is, this could be what's hindering him.

Secondly there are guys who will say and agree to anything to get their girl to move in with them, then once that happens they tend to forget their promises. These guys can be good guys, not necessarily guys who are cheats. Also time changes things, in the past he may have this desire to get married, but now he may have a different mindset, who knows? Plus he never promised you anything, it's like you asked him a question and he gave you halfway answers that are neither a definite yes or an outright no. In his mind he probably doesn't feel he owes you anything, kwim? You'll know if your guy is proposing soon (e.g. now till 6 mths) as there will be subtle signs like him looking at rings, or your parents hinting because he has already sought their permission, or him getting verbal assurance from you that he is the one you want to marry, or him trying to consolidate your bank accounts and monetary investments together... stuff like that. If you don't see any of these things happening, I'm sorry I don't think engagement nor marriage is on his mind right now, and you need to do something about it!

Another thing is that guys who tend to slack (in proposing), are guys who are already happy and contented with they cushy love life they have right now (live-in gf, unconditional love, etc) and nothing that will shake their perfect world to get them thinking of what will come next. That's when ultimatums come in handy, they wake them up and get them to act. Maybe consider this: make it obvious that you're looking around for a place to stay. If he asks why, casually say you're moving out soon because you feel your current relationship is going nowhere and you've made a mistake. You want to be a wife and mother, not someone's shack-up honey. Don't be ashamed to pull this one off, I can't tell you how much power you will have without even initiating a break up! You go girl!

[mjlover1977]

goodmorning gals. thank u all so much for your responses.
Abbygirl - i know i could ask him ... and im not doing it just cause of tradition, i want him to ask cause then ill know he wants it like i do.

I think that ill take the advice of waiting till the end of year.
To be fair, i have always been the one to 'bring it up' but the baby thing ... him saying we should try next Aug was totally his call.
I woke up with a sore throat and i feel crappy, he is going to find a chemist to get me some medicine. He does look after me ...

Dallas - thats what i am afraid of ... i cant bear looking desperate. ive never been that girl, its always been other guys who have been into the relationship more than me. I attribute that to the fact i actually love my boy now!

you are such a great bunch of gals - thank you. xx

[fieldsinspring]

I haven't read all of the replies yet but dont' give up hope! He sounds like a great guy.. I do think by moving in with him you have made it way easier to not be married at this point.. some guys would wonder why they have to get married.. like the saying goes why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? He sounds great though, I would honestly just have a heart to heart with him GL!