[mjlover1977]

sorry VPT - just saw your post. I really dont think i am being 'gulible' ... and he has given me definites. i only moved in because we agreed our relationship will be more committed in a 'married' way. Maybe you are right ... but he isn't the 'agreeable' kind of guy ... he is, however, always worried about $$ ... his words,not mine - he wants us to be in a position where we can have a kid and me not work for a while.

but then again - maybe i am being blind? i am not, however, willing to give an ultimatum. He's amazing and if he needs time then thats cool. i will wait till the end of the year and then see where his head is at. hmmm ...

[Elara]

Sometimes it just takes time- my husband took 5 years to propose. It sounds like you're on the right track, though. I think dallas and GirlFriday have given you some really good advice. Don't obsess about it- of all the red flags that tend to crop up with someone who is a serial dater, I don't really see any in your situation yet. 3.5 years is really not all that long- hang in there a bit longer :).

[dallas]

MJ, you know your man best and (for what it's worth) I think that you are absolutely doing the right thing giving him some time. He sounds like a good, loving man and certainly doesn't deserve some silly ultimatum. If you trust and believe in him, relax and be happy ... he'll do the rest.

[mjlover1977]

thank Elara - we just had a chat about when we ar buying the house, how much we can spend. and his words, not mine ' dont want to spend $1m cause we wont have 2 salaries when you have the baby' ... so i guess its in his future plans, i just need for them to be in his immediate ones. so ill wait. x

[juneping]

i don't really have experience in this department but i have heard so many women give their men automatom (sorry..i can't find the spelling of it) and it worked....not that i am suggesting you using it...just what i have heard.

[mjlover1977]

hey juneping - you mean, ultimatum? i couldnt do that to him ... i feel like it has to happen in his own time otherwise ill always think 'its cause i forced him'. the reality is, i sure if i cried and asked and carried on he would marry me, but thats not what i want either. btw - LOVE your 'paws' ... kitty??

[juneping]

i agree w/ you...good luck!! hope to hear your good news soon!! you'll make a wonderful wife.
oh..i found the kitty paws somewhere on the internet..couldn't resist it...so cute...

[angel143]

Hmm.... I think both of you may be focusing on different things here. He may be more concerned about the financial aspect whereas you are more concerned about the timing (of having the baby).

I think this happens to a lot of couples and the only way to sort this out is to talk about it. Yeah, I know it's boring and takes a romance away from the whole thing, but there comes a time when you have to do something to get what you want.

It's typical for the male to be focused on the financial and the woman on the family stuff, so dont feel like you're the only one. The best thing to do is to sit down and settle all of this so you dont have doubts anymore

[exotikittenx]

Originally Posted by VPT

Hmm I admire your patience and your gullibility
If it was me I would have long given an ultimatum. I don't believe in waiting and I always cut my losses. I have to previous bfs, had no qualms giving ultimatums, and never looked back. I guess it's where you should prioritize - do you want to be a wife-mother or do you rather just want to spend the rest of your life with him? You have put all the love you have for him aside and seriously consider this. If you really want to be married then only you will know the answer.

You see, men generally take their time in getting married. Of course there are guys in this world that are quick to propose and wed, but not every guy has the same mindset. For most it is being financially stable that is their main concern, not a matter of having money but rather having their debts paid off or substantial money set aside for new house, car, and perhaps emergency funds. I don't know what kind of guy you have - is he miserly? Is he thrifty? If he is, this could be what's hindering him.

Secondly there are guys who will say and agree to anything to get their girl to move in with them, then once that happens they tend to forget their promises. These guys can be good guys, not necessarily guys who are cheats. Also time changes things, in the past he may have this desire to get married, but now he may have a different mindset, who knows? Plus he never promised you anything, it's like you asked him a question and he gave you halfway answers that are neither a definite yes or an outright no. In his mind he probably doesn't feel he owes you anything, kwim? You'll know if your guy is proposing soon (e.g. now till 6 mths) as there will be subtle signs like him looking at rings, or your parents hinting because he has already sought their permission, or him getting verbal assurance from you that he is the one you want to marry, or him trying to consolidate your bank accounts and monetary investments together... stuff like that. If you don't see any of these things happening, I'm sorry I don't think engagement nor marriage is on his mind right now, and you need to do something about it!

Another thing is that guys who tend to slack (in proposing), are guys who are already happy and contented with they cushy love life they have right now (live-in gf, unconditional love, etc) and nothing that will shake their perfect world to get them thinking of what will come next. That's when ultimatums come in handy, they wake them up and get them to act. Maybe consider this: make it obvious that you're looking around for a place to stay. If he asks why, casually say you're moving out soon because you feel your current relationship is going nowhere and you've made a mistake. You want to be a wife and mother, not someone's shack-up honey. Don't be ashamed to pull this one off, I can't tell you how much power you will have without even initiating a break up! You go girl!

I agree with the above post. I was also going to say that perhaps you have made a mistake moving in with him. If I were you, I would start looking for a new place to live, and if he asks why, just say you were excited to move in with him at first, but now you've reconsidered it and you would prefer not to live together anymore until there is a bigger sign of committment (ie. an engagement), because right now it is unclear where your relationship is going.

I would see if he surprises you first, and maybe give it a few more months or the end of the year before you do anything drastic like that. Maybe he is planning something and you are just not seeing it?

[maggie7]

Mj, I don't think he's stalling because of lack of feelings and commitment..

It sounds like he's getting himself ready financially and this is sometimes a big deal for a guy...remember how it used to be.."what do you have to offer a girl"? It may sound old-fashioned, but I think guys think about practical sides of marriage more than women..they need to feel ready to make a proper start..

I wouldn't push or give him an ultimatum..not yet..but you could make it clear to him that you would never try for a baby before you were married..so if he keeps talking about starting a family, which it seems he does, then this should be your answer..if he's clear on this, he knows what he has to do...wish you all the best of luck, big hugs!

[LadyLinda]

Originally Posted by maggie7

I wouldn't push or give him an ultimatum..not yet..but you could make it clear to him that you would never try for a baby before you were married..so if he keeps talking about starting a family, which it seems he does, then this should be your answer..if he's clear on this, he knows what he has to do...wish you all the best of luck, big hugs!

^^ Do think hard about this part, mj.

Unless you are willing, 100%, to raise a child completely on your own, let your man know that you aren't having a child until your life is situated the way YOU want it. That means being married. It's one thing to test drive living together, and not a bad thing, either, but a child deserves to be born into a financially and emotionally stable environment. If you aren't feeling happy, secure, safe and loved, then tell your boyfriend the baby is on hold.

It sounds like you really love this man, and also that he's focusing on some important aspects of your eventual life together. Maybe all he needs is a little more time to take the big step. For what it's worth, I have a son who is in the throes of trying to make this very decision: should he marry his girlfriend or not? Every time I talk with him, he's changed his mind. It's been four months. I'm ready to tell him if the decision is this hard to make, he should just not get married. But then I remember my husband took a year of flopping around to make up his mind, too. Even after he said he thought we should get married, even after he bought a ring (and I knew he had it hidden in his closet), it took him three months to propose. So maybe time is the missing ingredient for you and your guy.

[mjlover1977]

hi gals - just an update ... im glad i went with my gut.

last night we had a chat ... a talk ... well, he talked a lot and i replied and smiled a lot thinking 'wow, really? wow!'
so ... before we have a baby he wants us to go on a trip ... like a 3 month trip, not a holiday. and then we have the baby! next year. we are going to go to india (my parents are actually indian but i dont have much of a connection to that place ... its always been something i want but cant get, anyway, thats another story)
so - he really wants this and it sounds perfect to me. and here's the best bit ... when i was saying it might be hard to get work to agree to it (having 3 months off) he said it might be easier if you say its our honeymoon ... which of course led to the 'so, are we gonna get married next year?' and he started talking about when we do it and where (i dont want to spend much so we are thinking a beautiful house on the harbour where its stunning but casual). and then we do the india trip ... i think i'll just go off the pill when we leave and let nature take its course.

this puts the 'house' on hold, we will prob just stay in this apartment (which we will own by end of next year ... im saying we but its actually he ... hee hee).

when i said ' so, i do want a ring to make this official' he told me to just be patient ... with a smile. and today things are different ... he is super affectionate and he's actually coming home from having drinks with his mates to go to dinner with me. its feeling like it might really happen!

im just going to leave it now. we will start planning india and see what else comes.
he actually said these words 'i want what you want, i want to marry you and have kids with you' ... im floating!

thanks for listening gals ... i appreciate it.

ps -im not getting too carried away till i get that ring, im not stupid, i dont want to be that girl. but its okay to smile, right?

[dallas]

^ Yes, it is ok to smile ... a great big beautiful smile. I'm so happy for you.

[nataliam1976]

mj this is great news...I am so happy for you, darling !!!

[Sternchen]

OMG, get away from the "It's tradition" BS and just ask this guy to marry you. It's obviously what the both of you want. And what does a ring really mean anyway? Just because he gives you a ring doesn't mean that he loves you any more than he does now.

I really think you are overreacting here. You've got this perfect picture in your head and seem to be freaking out because it's not going the way you've imagined since you were 5