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cutiek1t · Oct 4th, 2009, 05:08 PM

We been together almost 10 yrs married for 4 yrs. But lately i just feel that we have nothing to talked about and when we do it always end up at me getting mad about something. Recently, we just brought a Merc-Benz for him and he always polished and clean that car any chance he got, so today while waiting for the daughter to finish her piano lesson in the school parking lot he went out and started to polished his car again. I told him that he was crazy and over cleaning to his car and i just don't see a reason for him to clean it since it spotless. Anyhow, we ended up getting mad and i told him that i just feel that there are nothing left for us to talked and it might be that we been together too long and i just feel like i want to be alone by myself. So i told him to drop us home and he did, but he drove off by himself . I don't know what i really want at this point, thanks for reading.

petitechouchou · Oct 4th, 2009, 06:34 PM

Sorry to hear cutiek1t! Although I am not married, I understand what you mean by not having anything to talk about. Good luck and hang in there!

natalie78 · Oct 4th, 2009, 06:44 PM

There has to be something good left to your relationship. Perhaps counseling would help. Even if he is not willing to go, just going on your own could be helpful.

olialm1 · Oct 4th, 2009, 06:48 PM

IMO all couples go through "rough patches" but right now you seem sort of unsure of what you want. I think you should consider counseling because you have been together for quite awhile and have a child together so it might be in your best interest to try to mend things. Since you say you have nothing to talk about it might be a good idea to try to do something fun together, like go on 'date'. It sounds silly but if you two go bowling, dancing, to a bar, out for dinner, go to a concert, or even see a movie that would definitely lead to an exciting conversation. And I don't think there's anything wrong with him being a little obsessed with his car; it's brand new and obviously very nice since it's a mercedes so I don't see any harm in him wanting to polish it. Have you guys been having other issues, or does this one particular thing really piss you off? If it is really that big of an issue you should just flat out tell him that he needs to spend a little less time doing that.

I hope you two figure things out.

ZippyWho · Oct 4th, 2009, 07:17 PM

I think his polishing the car shouldn't be a big deal. It is new and he is spending his time effeciently by polishing while waiting for the daughter to finish the piano lesson.

Perhaps adding more activites in the family style to keep busy or keep the mind occupied like mini vacation, family events, any celebrations, family photo event, go out just because, movies, trip out of town.

chinahopes · Oct 4th, 2009, 07:26 PM

Personally, I think most relationships just inevitably get to that point. Part of the reason for the high divorce numbers is people seek something that won't be that same old, same old... but in my opinion, all relationships become that way. Try and do something new or fun with him... liven it up a bit.. but when you know someone soooo well, it will always get a bit monotonous...

HauteMama · Oct 4th, 2009, 07:57 PM

He is proud of the car; it's his "thing". There's no harm in him taking care of it and passing the time until your daughter was done with her lesson. Perhaps, in this particular situation, it was you picking the fight.

All relationships get familiar, but it isn't inevitable that they will get monotonous and fail. I'd suggest counseling for you two before you get to the point of no return. I think you owe it to your dd and family to try to make things better before calling it quits.

shy*violet · Oct 4th, 2009, 08:55 PM

Originally Posted by ZippyWho

I think his polishing the car shouldn't be a big deal. It is new and he is spending his time effeciently by polishing while waiting for the daughter to finish the piano lesson.

Perhaps adding more activites in the family style to keep busy or keep the mind occupied like mini vacation, family events, any celebrations, family photo event, go out just because, movies, trip out of town.

I agree. Polishing the car beats just sitting there and doing nothing.

Like Zippy said, maybe you should do more things together. Family bowling night, movie night, game night in (Monopoly type family games), etc.

I'd find it hard to believe that the relationship is just washed b/c you have nothing to talk about. I'd also consider marriage counseling.

What drew you to him in the first place? What did you two like about each other before you were married?

Cheetah7 · Oct 4th, 2009, 11:17 PM

I don't think it has as much to do with him polishing the car than it is about the both of you falling into a routine/rut in your marriage so little things about him annoy you and make you angry. I agree with the others that you both should see a counselor and figure out where you both want to go with this. If he doesn't want to go, consider going alone. I don't think any of us here can give you sufficient advice as we don't know you or your personal life.

To answer your original question, I think you're overreacting with him cleaning the car. It is a new car afterall and some people who get new cars pay excessive attention to it at first.

yeliab · Oct 4th, 2009, 11:46 PM

Cutie, don't give up yet on your relationship. I can understand the frustration when your husband "cares" more about his benz than you or the family. But maybe he also doesn't know how to reconnect emotionally with you.

Majority of the men out there don't handle emotional situations very well. They go with what they're familiar with - anger, indifference, etc. I think going to counseling would be a fantastic idea.. it'll open up dialog between you and your DH.

Sometimes you have to draw the lines out for your DH - and tell him exactly what you need emotionally to start reconnecting again.

Perhaps you can start as well - even a simple hug out of nowhere will do wonders... perhaps put your arms around him or sit on his lap ... at 1st it may feel uncomfortable - but as time goes on - this will "spark" the emotional connections.

Don't give up!! I'm sure the love is still there... just needs to be sparked up again!

Velvet Blue · Oct 5th, 2009, 03:11 PM

I'm going against the grain here, but could it be too much time together?
Not enough personal time for yourself?

I felt that way at one time. Little things he did would drive me crazy, he was getting frustrated.
I was neglecting me for my family, at least that was my thought.
Focusing more on my needs, made a huge change for me. I am amazed at the difference it made.

jenniferelaine · Oct 5th, 2009, 03:23 PM

When I read your posting, I'm reading that you don't know what you want, you aren't connecting with your DH, but you do know that little things he does (like the car) are setting you off. Definitely sounds like the emotional connection has gotten lost in the shuffle, but it also sounds to me like your needs aren't being met. You've also been together a long time & sometimes people do grow apart. I don't want to be the negative one here & I do believe that counseling will help open doors, but I also see so many people staying with someone just bc they've been together a long time. Try counseling & see if you can get to the root of your problem or your issues, but it may be that you just simply want more out of a partner & more out of life. And there is nothing wrong with that. 10 years is long enough to know, kwim?

Best of luck to you!

vhdos · Oct 5th, 2009, 08:41 PM

Honestly, don't you think you're overreacting a bit in regards to the car? I mean, it's such a petty thing to argue about. I'm sure there are plenty of things that you do, that annoys your DH. We all have passions and his just happens to be his car. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to minimize your situation. Obviously, it's not really about the car, it's about something more. It's about your feelings of uncertainty in regards to your marriage. Since there are children involved, I would suggest counseling for you and/or both of you. It can really help you work through your feelings and make rational decisions about the fate of your relationship. Best of luck.

karmenzsofia · Oct 6th, 2009, 12:56 AM

I don't think you're right. I don't think you're wrong. I don't think that's the issue.

But lately i just feel that we have nothing to talked about and when we do it always end up at me getting mad about something.

What exactly do you mean by that? That you two don't talk anymore? That you do talk but fail to communicate? That you disagree with each other? Do you mean you're bored with the relationship? If it's a "we" thing -- "we have nothing to talked about" -- then how come you're the one always getting mad? In other words, what's really going on?

zoeyjoey · Oct 6th, 2009, 10:57 AM

I agree that at times it can be challenging to keep the novelty alive in a LTR. Like some other posters suggested, maybe you can find the time to explore something new (travel, a shared hobby, etc.) together. That would at least give you something novel to discuss. My other suggestion would be to work on your own personal development. What are you passionate about? I feel that being fulfilled, or seeking fulfillment, on an individual basis makes me a better partner and also makes me happier in the long run - it a win/win IMO.

Oct 4th, 2009, 05:08 PM	#1
cutiek1t OP Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 652	Am i wrong? We been together almost 10 yrs married for 4 yrs. But lately i just feel that we have nothing to talked about and when we do it always end up at me getting mad about something. Recently, we just brought a Merc-Benz for him and he always polished and clean that car any chance he got, so today while waiting for the daughter to finish her piano lesson in the school parking lot he went out and started to polished his car again. I told him that he was crazy and over cleaning to his car and i just don't see a reason for him to clean it since it spotless. Anyhow, we ended up getting mad and i told him that i just feel that there are nothing left for us to talked and it might be that we been together too long and i just feel like i want to be alone by myself. So i told him to drop us home and he did, but he drove off by himself . I don't know what i really want at this point, thanks for reading.
cutiek1t OP Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 652

Oct 4th, 2009, 06:44 PM	#3
natalie78 Dave's not here Joined: May 2008 Location: Texas Posts: 1,669	There has to be something good left to your relationship. Perhaps counseling would help. Even if he is not willing to go, just going on your own could be helpful.
	__________________ I consider myself a good judge of people and that's why I don't like any of them. ~Roseanne

Oct 4th, 2009, 06:48 PM	#4
olialm1 windy city Joined: Dec 2008 Location: Chicago Posts: 1,553	IMO all couples go through "rough patches" but right now you seem sort of unsure of what you want. I think you should consider counseling because you have been together for quite awhile and have a child together so it might be in your best interest to try to mend things. Since you say you have nothing to talk about it might be a good idea to try to do something fun together, like go on 'date'. It sounds silly but if you two go bowling, dancing, to a bar, out for dinner, go to a concert, or even see a movie that would definitely lead to an exciting conversation. And I don't think there's anything wrong with him being a little obsessed with his car; it's brand new and obviously very nice since it's a mercedes so I don't see any harm in him wanting to polish it. Have you guys been having other issues, or does this one particular thing really piss you off? If it is really that big of an issue you should just flat out tell him that he needs to spend a little less time doing that. I hope you two figure things out.
	__________________ make a difference! free rice

Oct 4th, 2009, 07:17 PM	#5
ZippyWho Member Joined: Apr 2009 Posts: 337	I think his polishing the car shouldn't be a big deal. It is new and he is spending his time effeciently by polishing while waiting for the daughter to finish the piano lesson. Perhaps adding more activites in the family style to keep busy or keep the mind occupied like mini vacation, family events, any celebrations, family photo event, go out just because, movies, trip out of town.
ZippyWho Member Joined: Apr 2009 Posts: 337

Oct 4th, 2009, 07:57 PM	#7
HauteMama Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 6,845	He is proud of the car; it's his "thing". There's no harm in him taking care of it and passing the time until your daughter was done with her lesson. Perhaps, in this particular situation, it was you picking the fight. All relationships get familiar, but it isn't inevitable that they will get monotonous and fail. I'd suggest counseling for you two before you get to the point of no return. I think you owe it to your dd and family to try to make things better before calling it quits.
HauteMama Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 6,845

Oct 4th, 2009, 06:34 PM	#2
petitechouchou "H" is for Hamster Joined: Jun 2009 Location: sleeping in my skybox Posts: 1,291	Sorry to hear cutiek1t! Although I am not married, I understand what you mean by not having anything to talk about. Good luck and hang in there!

Oct 4th, 2009, 07:26 PM	#6
chinahopes Luckiest. Joined: Oct 2008 Location: the Beach, SC Posts: 1,001	Personally, I think most relationships just inevitably get to that point. Part of the reason for the high divorce numbers is people seek something that won't be that same old, same old... but in my opinion, all relationships become that way. Try and do something new or fun with him... liven it up a bit.. but when you know someone soooo well, it will always get a bit monotonous...

Oct 4th, 2009, 11:17 PM	#9
Cheetah7 Member Joined: Aug 2009 Location: Here, there and everywhere Posts: 302	I don't think it has as much to do with him polishing the car than it is about the both of you falling into a routine/rut in your marriage so little things about him annoy you and make you angry. I agree with the others that you both should see a counselor and figure out where you both want to go with this. If he doesn't want to go, consider going alone. I don't think any of us here can give you sufficient advice as we don't know you or your personal life. To answer your original question, I think you're overreacting with him cleaning the car. It is a new car afterall and some people who get new cars pay excessive attention to it at first.
	__________________

Oct 4th, 2009, 11:46 PM	#10
yeliab Luxury = Purses Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 2,025	Cutie, don't give up yet on your relationship. I can understand the frustration when your husband "cares" more about his benz than you or the family. But maybe he also doesn't know how to reconnect emotionally with you. Majority of the men out there don't handle emotional situations very well. They go with what they're familiar with - anger, indifference, etc. I think going to counseling would be a fantastic idea.. it'll open up dialog between you and your DH. Sometimes you have to draw the lines out for your DH - and tell him exactly what you need emotionally to start reconnecting again. Perhaps you can start as well - even a simple hug out of nowhere will do wonders... perhaps put your arms around him or sit on his lap ... at 1st it may feel uncomfortable - but as time goes on - this will "spark" the emotional connections. Don't give up!! I'm sure the love is still there... just needs to be sparked up again!
yeliab Luxury = Purses Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 2,025

Oct 5th, 2009, 03:11 PM	#11
Velvet Blue Member Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 164	I'm going against the grain here, but could it be too much time together? Not enough personal time for yourself? I felt that way at one time. Little things he did would drive me crazy, he was getting frustrated. I was neglecting me for my family, at least that was my thought. Focusing more on my needs, made a huge change for me. I am amazed at the difference it made.
Velvet Blue Member Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 164

Oct 5th, 2009, 03:23 PM	#12
jenniferelaine Member Joined: May 2006 Posts: 1,379	When I read your posting, I'm reading that you don't know what you want, you aren't connecting with your DH, but you do know that little things he does (like the car) are setting you off. Definitely sounds like the emotional connection has gotten lost in the shuffle, but it also sounds to me like your needs aren't being met. You've also been together a long time & sometimes people do grow apart. I don't want to be the negative one here & I do believe that counseling will help open doors, but I also see so many people staying with someone just bc they've been together a long time. Try counseling & see if you can get to the root of your problem or your issues, but it may be that you just simply want more out of a partner & more out of life. And there is nothing wrong with that. 10 years is long enough to know, kwim? Best of luck to you!
jenniferelaine Member Joined: May 2006 Posts: 1,379

Oct 5th, 2009, 08:41 PM	#13
vhdos Member Joined: May 2007 Location: NC Posts: 3,144	Honestly, don't you think you're overreacting a bit in regards to the car? I mean, it's such a petty thing to argue about. I'm sure there are plenty of things that you do, that annoys your DH. We all have passions and his just happens to be his car. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to minimize your situation. Obviously, it's not really about the car, it's about something more. It's about your feelings of uncertainty in regards to your marriage. Since there are children involved, I would suggest counseling for you and/or both of you. It can really help you work through your feelings and make rational decisions about the fate of your relationship. Best of luck.
vhdos Member Joined: May 2007 Location: NC Posts: 3,144	__________________ visit Bonanzle.com

Oct 6th, 2009, 12:56 AM	#14
karmenzsofia Life is Plan Z Joined: Jun 2008 Location: Tarot Card Posts: 14,888	I don't think you're right. I don't think you're wrong. I don't think that's the issue. But lately i just feel that we have nothing to talked about and when we do it always end up at me getting mad about something. What exactly do you mean by that? That you two don't talk anymore? That you do talk but fail to communicate? That you disagree with each other? Do you mean you're bored with the relationship? If it's a "we" thing -- "we have nothing to talked about" -- then how come you're the one always getting mad? In other words, what's really going on?
	__________________ Satisfied but wishing 4 a WTM Mini and an AP ~~* Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Or, more importantly, is it funny?

Oct 6th, 2009, 10:57 AM	#15
zoeyjoey Member Joined: Jun 2009 Location: East Coast Posts: 255	I agree that at times it can be challenging to keep the novelty alive in a LTR. Like some other posters suggested, maybe you can find the time to explore something new (travel, a shared hobby, etc.) together. That would at least give you something novel to discuss. My other suggestion would be to work on your own personal development. What are you passionate about? I feel that being fulfilled, or seeking fulfillment, on an individual basis makes me a better partner and also makes me happier in the long run - it a win/win IMO.

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