Am I Overreacting or Expecting Too Much?

[PurseAddict79]

((Long... sorry...))

As I've mentioned in previous posts I'm going through treatment for a cancer recurrance and it has not been without it's complications. As you can imagine, it has certainly put a strain on my relationship, especially since my boyfriend has the "I need to fix everything" type of attitude, and is almost completely unwilling and unable to accept the fact that there are just some things, like this, that he can't fix.

Yesterday while at work I started having some odd and pretty scary complications from treatment and left at about 11am to go to the ER. I talked to my boyfriend at about noon to let him know what was going on (keep in mind this is a LDR, we live 2hrs apart).

The night before, he had mentioned coming over Wednesday night and staying through Friday morning, but the Wednesday night thing was kinda up in the air... he'd be over Thursday for sure.

So back to the conversation while in the ER. I was crying because I was scared... he said he wanted to be with me. But it was his day off from a stressful job and he had plans to go golf with his friend, so I told him not to flake on his plans and just come over later... that he couldn't do anything for me anyway, and that I was ok. He said he was going to confirm his plans and then call me right back.

An hour and a half later, at 1:30pm I texted asking what the plan was. He replied "Golfing at 4pm, then home, then hope to see you".

I didn't hear from him until 7pm when I texted asking if he was still coming over. He replied "On 13th hole". I asked the question again, no reply.

At around 8:30pm he asked how I was doing. At this point I was still in the ER and super annoyed he hadn't texted or called all day to check in with me. I replied "I'm ok, are you coming over?" and he said "Dunno, think not, call you in 20".

I was discharged at 9pm and home by 9:15pm.

He didn't call until after 10pm. In conversation I found out he didn't even go golf with his friend... he went alone because his friend bailed. He knew I was in the hospital... that I was all alone... and he opted not to come out to be by my side.

Now before I make him sound like an ass, I know I'm asking a lot of him... especially since we've only been together for 5mo. He's been very loving and supportive, and he's pretty dependable for the most part...

But this really pissed me off. He said he was too tired to come over, and then went on this little rant about how he isn't sure he's the right guy for me right now because he wants to fix things, and he can't, and it gets harder and harder every day. The conversation ended on a good note; he said he'd be here today and he apologized for having the "I need to fix it" mentality.

But I'm still upset. I'm upset I was left alone in the hospital all day. I'm upset he chose to golf alone rather than be there with me. I'm upset he was too tired to come over when that was the only thing I had to look forward to while lying in that stupid hospital bed.

There's a part of me that thinks I'm overreacting... I did, after all, tell him to go golf and not to cancel his plans for me. But I'm also upset that he opted to go alone... my intent was for him not to flake on his plans with his friend... but his friend flaked... and in my mind, he should have been with me. Maybe I'm being selfish...

His whole "I need to fix it" thing is annoying. I try to explain to him that while he may not be able to fix the problem, he's helping by just being there for me. But he completely pulls away and shuts down when he feels like he's helpless, and right now that's the LAST thing I need from him.

I didn't sleep much last night... I could't stop going over things in my mind. There's a part of me that feels like telling him maybe we should take a break until I am done with treatment. He can't handle not being able to fix things, and the emotional strain his "shutting down" puts on me is unbearable right now; I don't have the emotional or physical strength to deal with it. But I *know* if I chose to do this, I could end up losing him forever... and I*don't* want that.

I don't know what to do. I'm angry... but the logical part of me recognizes I'm more angry with what I'm going through than what he did last night... and my sickness isn't his fault. It isn't anyone's fault.

But I do feel I have a right to be upset. I felt abandoned and uncared for... not just because he didn't come out, but because he didn't even call or text to see how I was doing for the better part of 8 hours. Instead he opted to go play golf... alone...

Help... I need you guys to force me into reality... one way or the other. He's going to be here in a few hours and I don't know what to do... or if I should even do anything...

[Echoes]

I'm seeing some mixed messages.

You don't like the 'fix it' mentality, but you don't like it when he isn't at your side in hard times.

You tell him to go golfing, but get irritated when he does.

I think you need some clarity. I can only imagine your current situation is tough on you and you may not even be sure what you want from him. Do you just want him to 'be there' even though he can't 'fix it'? That can be tough for some 'fixers'.

[PurseAddict79]

I do want him to be there... because having him there DOES fix things...

It doesn't take the physical pain away, but it makes me feel safe and secure... and I need that more than anything right now...

[Aslan]

I think you need to watch and wait. What he did sounds very bad (leaving you in the hospital to go out on his own), but this is a lot of strain for such a young relationship. I'd give him another chance. Hopefully your bond will go stronger and you both will reach a balance (between "fixing" everything and being laid back).

[nataliam1976]

sweetie, werent you supposed to see a therapist together?

[PurseAddict79]

^^ Yes... but I'm waiting on my insurance company to approve more sessions. Initially I was only approved for 5, which I have used up. My therapist is petitioning to the insurance company telling them I'm far crazier than what 5 sessions can fix...

[PurseAddict79]

I hate that my first reaction is to bail... essentially I'm doing what he does... I'm shutting down because I don't feel like I can fix this. But I can't focus on being as healthy as I can (ie sleeping, eating right, etc) when I have my boyfriend telling me he doesn't think he's the right guy for me and doesn't know what he wants in one breath, and in the next telling me he loves me and he's not going to leave me.

I'm feeling way way way overwhelmed right now.

[carvedwords]

I can only imagine how tough this is especially in such a young relationship. I say give him another chance and try to talk to him about the way you feel and what your expectations are. It may be too much for him all too soon. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, but is unsure of how to handle this when you two have only been in a relationship for 5 months.

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

^^ Yes... but I'm waiting on my insurance company to approve more sessions. Initially I was only approved for 5, which I have used up. My therapist is petitioning to the insurance company telling them I'm far crazier than what 5 sessions can fix...

LOL I wasnt sure if I remembered well and lets face it, the situation you are in could cause strains even if you two were angels. I hope the petition gets accepted because professional help how to deal with it would be great. Are there no cancer support groups for family members he could go to ?

I can see where you are coming from but I also think that he just desperately needed some time on his own, he is probably scared sh*tless, you know and he will crack under pressure from time to time. Im thinking ( hoping ) thats what was going on when he said how he isnt the right guy for you. Golf was just an excuse.

I would open the door, tell him how much you love him, that you understand that he couldnt be there for you and if he is a fixer tell him until he gets it in his silly head that just his presence fixes things. And take it from there - give him the benefit of the doubt if you feel he deserves it.

[amymaria]

I'm going to try to see how things are from his side.

First, you guys have been together in a LDR for 5 months. That's a short time. I hate to do this kind of thing but girls usually become attached faster than males and males tend to hold on to their "single life" steadily for as long as they can. This doesn't mean they aren't devoted to you or want to be with you. It's a balance for them. It's very difficult for some guys to always "be by your side" because they take as an emasculating act.

Second, I think fo rthe most part his "fix it" mentality is to blame. He's probably very confused and frustrated with his own emotions, and like MOST people we all like to run away from them instead of sitting down and dealing with it. Think about how things have changed drastically for him in the last half a year. He's falling in love with a girl and she has health issues that he can't fix. For him, he might not understand or know how NOT to fix things.

I hope this helps in some ways.

[Ellie Mae]

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

I do want him to be there... because having him there DOES fix things... It doesn't take the physical pain away, but it makes me feel safe and secure... and I need that more than anything right now...

TELL HIM THIS... he's frustrated because the cannot "make you better", but you need to explain to him that "being there" does help make you feel better, so in essence he IS "fixing it", so to speak.
And do not tell him to go play golf if what you really want is for him to come to the hospital w/ you. That is not playing fair. Men do not always read minds. I wish!

Also... dealing w/ illness can be hard on old couples who have been married 50 years, never mind a young couple in a young relationship. SO.. this is likely not going to be easy or perfect for either of you. And you both are going to have to be patient, understanding, and forgiving. And upfront about your feelings and your expectations.

I hope you can get to feeling better soon!

[Echoes]

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

My therapist is petitioning to the insurance company telling them I'm far crazier than what 5 sessions can fix...

I'm waaaaaaaayyyyyyy beyond fixing. 5 sessions, 500, 5,000, ain't no hope at all for me.

[ahertz]

I'm confused by this "fix it" stuff. He doesn't seem like he wants to fix anything or he would have been by your side? Maybe he's a "fix it when it's convenient" kind of guy?

At any rate, I know you're irritated but it does sound like you sent a mixed signal on this one. Don't bail on him yet, try to understand how hard it might be to be in a new relationship and already be facing difficult obstacles and enjoy what he can offer you.

[ILuvShopping]

i don't think you're over reacting because that can be pretty disappointing, especially to have to sit in a hospital for that long all by yourself when you're expecting someone.

however... maybe he just had a slight freak out and didn't know what to do. like you said it's a fairly new relationship but perhaps the point of you going to the ER so suddenly was just overwhelming for him.

I would give him another chance. Having something like this happen during a fresh relationship can probably end up being very telling for what will come of it. but i think it will need a little give and take from both ends.

[PurseAddict79]

He's getting another chance, but it won't come without a discussion. He just called to let me know he's on his way... shockingly, he's running on time (another pet peeve of mine with him... no concept of time... but that's one I'm willing to tolerate).

He sent me a text after we hung up a few minutes ago that said:
I'm sorry for being an ass. I hate seeing you hurting and hate hearing you cry when I know I can't do anything to fix it. I hope by me being there with you today you get the comfort and security you should have gotten from me yesterday. Xo

So I think he kinda gets the point. I'm still irritated, but I have to take ownership of my mistakes too. Instead of encouraging him to go golf, I should have told him that I needed him here. At least it would have given him the opportunity to make a clear choice instead of having to break out his decoder ring and crystal ball to figure out what i wanted and needed from him.

And although this is a "new" relationship, in some ways its hard for me to see it that way... mainly because of our past... which I've mentioned in other threads. We were together for 2yrs over a decade ago, broke up, lost contact and got back in touch in March of this year. So even though its a new relationship, it isn't really new of that makes sense. At least, that's how I look at it. And maybe that's wrong too.

I'll come back tomorrow and update on how the discussion went...

As an update on my medical stuff... my platelets fell to super low and dangerous levels, and originally they were talking about giving me a transfusion today. But after talking to my oncologist, I opted to refuse a transfusion as I have a friend who just 2yrs ago contracted Hepetitis from a transfusion... so instead I'm going to be put on a daily dose of steroids to boost my platelets.

When I told dbf this he's all "great, now my gf is going to be like the Hulk..." and I said "yep, and now when you piss me off, I'll just throw you across the house" He laughed... hope he doesn't think I was kidding