Am I Overreacting or Expecting Too Much?

[Charles]

Originally Posted by Echoes

I'm seeing some mixed messages. You don't like the 'fix it' mentality, but you don't like it when he isn't at your side in hard times. You tell him to go golfing, but get irritated when he does. I think you need some clarity. I can only imagine your current situation is tough on you and you may not even be sure what you want from him. Do you just want him to 'be there' even though he can't 'fix it'? That can be tough for some 'fixers'.

This.

You told him to go golfing...so he did.

You need to be clear with him. If you want him there, let him know.

[Green Zebra]

^^ Yes... Don't test him (i.e., telling him to go golfing, but then being upset that he didn't refuse to go).

I'm sure the stress of your situation has your emotions on a roller coaster, and perhaps his as well... You're both going through so much, it's overwhelming...I guess I don't have any other advise for you, but sending wishes for you and him to be strong through this...together.

[DiorDeVille]

I hope you start feeling better soon!! This sounds like a difficult situation to go through, and I can't imagine how draining it must be.

Originally Posted by Ellie Mae

TELL HIM THIS... he's frustrated because the cannot "make you better", but you need to explain to him that "being there" does help make you feel better, so in essence he IS "fixing it", so to speak. And do not tell him to go play golf if what you really want is for him to come to the hospital w/ you. That is not playing fair. Men do not always read minds. I wish!

I can't agree with this enough, though. Guys are NOT mind readers, unfortunately. You have to say exactly what you want from them and when and where you want it most of the time. If you want him to be with you, you have to ask him to show up. I can't imagine that any guy would be able to decipher mixed messages 5 months into a relationship - it's been forever and my SO is still awful at it.

Best of luck!! Please let us know how it goes.

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

I do want him to be there... because having him there DOES fix things... It doesn't take the physical pain away, but it makes me feel safe and secure... and I need that more than anything right now...

you need to tell him exactly what you wrote here.

and don't tell him to go ahead an go golfing anymore when thats not really what you want. people always make that bad mistake of "testing" each other like this when cutting to the chase makes things so much clearer and easier.

[Ellie Mae]

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

He sent me a text after we hung up a few minutes ago that said: I'm sorry for being an ass. I hate seeing you hurting and hate hearing you cry when I know I can't do anything to fix it. I hope by me being there with you today you get the comfort and security you should have gotten from me yesterday. Xo So I think he kinda gets the point. I'm still irritated, but I have to take ownership of my mistakes too. Instead of encouraging him to go golf, I should have told him that I needed him here. At least it would have given him the opportunity to make a clear choice instead of having to break out his decoder ring and crystal ball to figure out what i wanted and needed from him. And although this is a "new" relationship, in some ways its hard for me to see it that way... mainly because of our past... which I've mentioned in other threads. We were together for 2yrs over a decade ago, broke up, lost contact and got back in touch in March of this year. So even though its a new relationship, it isn't really new of that makes sense. At least, that's how I look at it. And maybe that's wrong too. When I told dbf this he's all "great, now my gf is going to be like the Hulk..." and I said "yep, and now when you piss me off, I'll just throw you across the house" He laughed... hope he doesn't think I was kidding

I think you are back on the right track. You have to tell them what you need and DO forgive for yesterday, as you did not convey your needs, so not ALL his fault. Although you'd think they'd know right? But, alas, they do not. So chuck the crystal ball out the window.

I think all men DO want the lady in their life to somewhat see them as the knight in shining armor. Not to the point that we act "the damsel in distress", but they do like to know that they offer comfort and security. Make sure you are conveying that.

NEW relationship? I'd say after 10 years apart.. it is NEW. Ya'll have started over. You were apart 10 years, you both changed, this is a new beginning IMO.

Stay on it, HULK... if you can't muster the strength to fling him across the room, just whack him on the head w/ the crystal ball! Get well, hon!

[Charles]

And to add...stay strong and keep kicking cancer's ass!!

[ProfNot]

Most straight men are great at fixing things but lousy at emotional support.

Lean on your GFs, women relatives, and guy guy friends for emotional support.

Also, he sounds immature. Is he under 25? Guys tend to not come out of adolescence until age 25 or so.

[PurseAddict79]

Thank you everyone for pointing me in the right direction... I'd be lost without ya'll!

He met me at the oncologists office yesterday afternoon and went to my appointment with me. He was super supportive and asked questions I didn't think of asking; he actually brought a notepad with him because he had written questions... he took notes. I don't even take my appointments that seriously most of the time.

Ok, so I told him exactly what I said in my previous posts... that just him being here fixes everything. That I'm not looking for him to cure me... if doctors haven't found a cure, I surely don't expect him to. But I told him I need him, even when I can't admit it. And he told me that he needs to know when I need him. He said all too often when he asks how I'm feeling or how things are going I give a quick answer and change the subject... so he said he doesn't like to bring it up because he knows its hard for me to talk about (and he's sooo right. I don't talk about it to anyone really. Not family. Not friends. No one. I pretty much just shut down and bottle it all up inside)

We had a very open and honest discussion... I told him how scared I am. He asked why it took me so long to open up like this and I told him because I've always been the strong one... especially when it comes to this. I comfort everyone else when they're worried about me. I don't break down infront of people because I don't want them to worry.

i cried... and he just held me...

... and then he took me to the mall.

Originally Posted by Ellie Mae

I think you are back on the right track. You have to tell them what you need and DO forgive for yesterday, as you did not convey your needs, so not ALL his fault. Although you'd think they'd know right? But, alas, they do not. So chuck the crystal ball out the window. I think all men DO want the lady in their life to somewhat see them as the knight in shining armor. Not to the point that we act "the damsel in distress", but they do like to know that they offer comfort and security. Make sure you are conveying that. NEW relationship? I'd say after 10 years apart.. it is NEW. Ya'll have started over. You were apart 10 years, you both changed, this is a new beginning IMO. Stay on it, HULK... if you can't muster the strength to fling him across the room, just whack him on the head w/ the crystal ball! Get well, hon!

Haha...HULK... funny I told him I'm going to break the homerun record this year

And you're right... it IS a new relationship... it's just hard to think like that sometimes because we're so close... because we KNOW each other, ya know? Like I may not know what he was doing at this time last year or where he was when the WTC was attacked, but I know his heart... does that make sense?Eh probably not

Originally Posted by Charles

And to add...stay strong and keep kicking cancer's ass!!

Thanks!!!! I'm workin on it!

Originally Posted by ProfNot

Most straight men are great at fixing things but lousy at emotional support. Lean on your GFs, women relatives, and guy guy friends for emotional support. Also, he sounds immature. Is he under 25? Guys tend to not come out of adolescence until age 25 or so.

No, he's not immature at all. I guess he'd be better at emotional support if I was better at asking for it

[Green Zebra]

^^ awww, that's soooo sweet! Reading that made my day!

[Charles]

He sounds like a good guy.

[Ellie Mae]

ITA, he does sound like a good guy. AND.. sounds to me like the biggest problem you two have is just not clearly communicating. Easy to fix.. TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK. Or have him join tPF and we'll keep him lined out for ya!

[PurseAddict79]

He really is a good guy... I'm really really lucky.

I've actually encouraged him to hop onto tPF and read my random posts... especially the ones in the "Dear ....." in the General Discussion forum. I write him "letters" in there like twice a week... stuff I'm not really use to actually SAYING to someone.

Yeah, I have communication issues. Yet ANOTHER reason I'm in therapy

[bagnshoofetish]

yay! ya' see? a little directness goes a long way. he sounds like a really good guy who just didn't know what he was supposed to do. now all the guessing is out of it!
so happy you worked things out. (the note taking thing almost made me cry!)

[jillianwood]

i think if he said he isn't the man for you...be weary. he's probably finding this as tough as you are and is tired... i hope you feel better soon you deserve someone in your life who will be there no matter what! good luck!

[ChanelMommy]

Originally Posted by carvedwords

I can only imagine how tough this is especially in such a young relationship. I say give him another chance and try to talk to him about the way you feel and what your expectations are. It may be too much for him all too soon. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, but is unsure of how to handle this when you two have only been in a relationship for 5 months.

This is what I was going to say