[elizat]

I debated about posting this, but I'd like some feedback, I think...

My parents divorced when I was about 2 or 3. I did not see my natural father after the age of five. We had no contact at all and even prior to the divorce, he was not around much. He allowed my dad (mom's second husband, the only "dad" I've ever known)to adopt me when I was about 12. Well, he never responded to the petition. I guess that's not really allowing something to happen. Anyway- I am in a spot where I know too much for my own good. I've been told how badly he treated my mom. He was awful to her.

I only have bad memories of him. I know some people won't believe that you have memories of being 4 or 5 years old, but I do. My "memories" are of him leaving me at an amusement park and driving off because I was whining too much, I remember getting ready and sitting at the window waiting for him when my mom told me he was coming to take me out and never showing up. Lots of other things, but not good things.

He somehow found me and emailed me at work. It's been about 15 years since I was adopted by my dad and over 20 years since I last saw him. Am I selfish for not wanting to start a relationship or talk to him? My mother would be hurt and I think my dad would be devastated too. My dad is also sick right now. I don't want to hurt my biological father, but that is all he's ever done to me in my life. Is it selfish or wrong to just tell him I don't want to be in contact with him? I also know that I have a bunch of half siblings from his side. I really feel like this is a door I just want to keep closed. I am torn about what to think/do...

[risingsun]

I think you have every right to keep that door shut. This man was not a true father to you and you do not have to allow him back into your life. Do what is best for you. You are not being selfish--he is.

[bprimuslevy]

I don't think its selfish or wrong as long as you are honest with yourself and him. Tell him the truth; you don't want to hurt him but you can't force yourself to feel something that isn't there.

All the best to you.

[mundodabolsa]

I think you need to do what's best for you. It sounds like you know exactly what that is, so it's just a matter of recognizing it. You don't owe anything to your biological father or is family.

You can also think of this as a decision, for now. Maybe one day you'll be curious to know more about your half siblings, maybe not. But either way, right now you don't need that in your life and that's perfectly fine.

It's a very mature, reasonable, and sane thing to do to keep this door closed as you put it. Not selfish at all.

I don't even think you need to respond to the email and explain yourself if you don't to. He didn't bother to respond to the adoption petition of his own child? Then, he doesn't deserve any special treatment from him unless you want to give it.

[amanda]

A little bit of DNA does not a father make. You don't owe him anything, whether or not he's sick or wants contact with you. Forgiving him for the pain he caused is one thing (which might be beneficial and something to work towards if you haven't already done it), but letting him back in to a closeness that he abused is another, and not something he deserves or something you need to feel obligated to give him. Stay strong.

[SPOILEDkiwi]

I would probably just not respond to the e-mail like he never responded to the petition. But then again I hold grudges for a very long time. You shouldn't feel that just because he's related to you by blood you're obligated to have a relationship with him. However, if you're willing to forgive him, just remember that you need to put your guard up to make sure you're not being taken advantage of.

[simmmchen]

I also think you have absolutely no obligation to answer his email or have any contact with him!

I also have no contact with my so-called father, but a psychologist once strongly suggested I contact him to get closure, so to speak. I never felt like I needed closure, because... yeah, I think he sucked as a father, but I don't feel like this is going to follow and follow and haunt me.

So I guess what I am trying to say is: before you delete his email, listen to your heart. Do you think the bad memories will haunt you forever? Do you think it would help to confront him?

[Lauralai23]

I agree that he is being completely selfish!
Maybe you could tell him that you are not at a point in your life where you are ready to confront him.. but that you will keep his contact info and if you ever decide that the timing is right for you, then you will let him know.

[nataliam1976]

another sperm donor, who claims his parental rights when he feels like it uuuugh

hun, you dont owe him anything, you have your father and its your stepdad who was there for you all these years. If you dont want to be in touch with the "real" father, dont blame yourself its only natural. Lots of hugs.

[merika]

You don't owe him anything. Maybe another time when you feel like it, but now if you're not ready. No.

[Velouria]

Can I ask you what he wrote in the email? I think it's an important point.

[elizat]

Originally Posted by Velouria

Can I ask you what he wrote in the email? I think it's an important point.

Yeah, it's okay to ask that. It won't let me cut and paste for some reason.

He basically said that he knew he had nothing to do w/ my upbringing and had realized his mistakes over the years. He wrote that he was proud of my accomplishments and wanted me to know that and that he was sure my mom and dad were proud of me too. He wrote that He knows that I probably never wanted to hear from him and if I told him to leave me alone, he would, but that he thinks of me often and hopes that I have had a happy life thus far. He said that he had wanted to contact me for many years, but was afraid to do so.

That is the basic message.

That's way I feel bad too (he sounds sorry somewhat), b/c I don't want to be mean, but I don't feel like I owe anything either.

I'm really feeling better in my reaction of just telling him I don't want any contact at this point. I doubt that will change. I have my dad who is amazing in every way. It's my dad (the one that adopted me) that is sick also- not the biological one. My dad starts his cancer treatments next month. This whole thing has bad timing on top of it all!

Thanks all for reading and for the input. I needed a sounding board and I'd normally do that w/ my mom, but, well I won't put her through this. I hate keeping things from her and she's already picked up a bit that something is wrong. I am not going to burden her w/ this.

[Velouria]

Elizat, thanks for that.
I can see why you might feel bad, and it is true that when people get older they start to analyze the way they lived their lives, and maybe try to make amends.
My DH has had a similar situation, only with his mum. He doesn't consider his biological mum to be related to him, as he thinks, rightly so, that the woman that raised him is his mother. I am going to ask him for advice about your situation when he gets home, as he is far better geared than me to give advice.

My point of view:
I like what he wrote. He doesn't sound invasive or pretentious; in fact, he sounds full of sadness and regret. I would answer, and I would tell him exactly what you wrote here: that you wish for no further contact, since you have parents that love you and raised you, and maybe I would also explain to him about the added stress and bad timing with your dad being sick (best of luck to your dad for his treatment!).

I just have another question: are you 100% sure that you wouldn't want to meet with him or have any further contact? I am asking because if you close the door, it will be closed for good, and some day in the future you might regret it.
I am sorry you got into this situation, as I can understand how much pressure it's putting on you.
I have to say I would probably meet him, but every person is different: I would have a lot of questions to ask, and I would want to give him a chance to say that he is sorry.

Please keep posting and keep us updated. If you feel the need to talk privately, feel free to PM me.

[mazuha]

My biological father last saw me when I was 6 weeks old and my Mom left him because he was a con artist and an abuser. She met my step-father, my DAD, when I was 14 months old and he's the ONLY father I"ve ever known. I've often thought about what I would say if one day, the sperm donor step in out of the blue. I harbor no ill-will, I don't hate him--in fact, I feel absolutely nothing for him. So, If *I* were you, I'd either not respond OR respond with you thank him for his apology, he can rest assured that you have no ill feelings toward him but that you HAVE a FATHER and have no need to make room for him in your life right now, goodbye. Good Luck, I'm sure you're in a tough position! (((hugs)))

Amy

[twinkle.tink]

Originally Posted by Velouria

Elizat, thanks for that.
I can see why you might feel bad, and it is true that when people get older they start to analyze the way they lived their lives, and maybe try to make amends.
My DH has had a similar situation, only with his mum. He doesn't consider his biological mum to be related to him, as he thinks, rightly so, that the woman that raised him is his mother. I am going to ask him for advice about your situation when he gets home, as he is far better geared than me to give advice.

My point of view:
I like what he wrote. He doesn't sound invasive or pretentious; in fact, he sounds full of sadness and regret. I would answer, and I would tell him exactly what you wrote here: that you wish for no further contact, since you have parents that love you and raised you, and maybe I would also explain to him about the added stress and bad timing with your dad being sick (best of luck to your dad for his treatment!).

I just have another question: are you 100% sure that you wouldn't want to meet with him or have any further contact? I am asking because if you close the door, it will be closed for good, and some day in the future you might regret it.
I am sorry you got into this situation, as I can understand how much pressure it's putting on you.
I have to say I would probably meet him, but every person is different: I would have a lot of questions to ask, and I would want to give him a chance to say that he is sorry.

Please keep posting and keep us updated. If you feel the need to talk privately, feel free to PM me.

Great post! ITA

Good luck to you :)