am i being completely unreasonable??

jhazn85 · Feb 24th, 2008, 02:19 AM

So my boyfriend and I came to Philly for the weekend to do the whole tourist thing, and just spend some quality time together. We've been together for 4 years and 3 months, and it's the FIRST time we've ever gone away somewhere and stayed in a hotel together, so it was a really important weekend.

My bf has a close friend, Debbie (who is already a source of annoyance in our relationship, as they talk all the time and are very close), who is having a bday party tonight. She lives here in Philly (I'm already annoyed because I feel like my bf only wanted to come to Philly just so he can go to her bday party, but used our "vacation" as an excuse), and our plan was to have dinner, just me and my bf, and then meet Debbie and her friends afterwards. During dinner, I started feeling extremely sick and needed to come back to our hotel. My bf basically decided that he would STILL go out, and even though I was extremely sick, he still left me here.

So here I am, sitting here in our hotel room, PISSED OFF, but at the same time, I wonder if I'm being unreasonable?? I'm so pissed that he would want to go to Debbie's bday party so bad that he would leave me alone in our hotel room, sick, and especially on the first vacation we've ever had together.

dallas · Feb 24th, 2008, 02:46 AM

Is it possible that he doesn't believe you are really sick? That you "put it on" to make him stay with you?

Zophie · Feb 24th, 2008, 02:52 AM

Honestly, I can see both sides of it so it's hard to say if there is one "right" side to the issue. I really can understand why you'd be upset. At the same time, I can understand wanting to see his friend and not wanting to miss her birthday. What's the deal with this friend though? Do you think there is something else going on there besides friendship?

iheartvuitton · Feb 24th, 2008, 03:02 AM

I would be mad. But I'm like that. I expect to be treated how I would treat my boyfriend and if the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn't want to leave him alone- even if he told me to go, I'd feel guilty. I don't think you're being unreasonable. Has he called to check up on you at least? If he hasn't, maybe you two should discuss it in the morning? Talk about how you were alittle disappointed in that he chose to leave you in a hotel alone and didn't check in to see if you are ok?

FijiBuni · Feb 24th, 2008, 03:10 AM

I think thats reasonable to be upset... if he was sick and your friend was having a bday party I'm sure he would want you to stay with him. I would be mad for sure that he would leave me on our vacation to go to a friends party...

By the way if this girl is an annoyance in your relationship and you knew she was having a bday on your vacation and your vacation was where she lives why would you go there with him in the first place....???

helium · Feb 24th, 2008, 03:10 AM

This is how I see it: my boyfriend and I have been together for three years and a few odd months. He has been with me through everything. He is my first priority.

However, I can't throw aside the fact that my closest friends have been with me for longer, and have also been with me through everything, and are there for me when things go wrong in my life, just like my boyfriend.

Because of this, I wouldn't miss any of their birthdays for the world, let alone my boyfriend's sickness. Plus what am I supposed to do, sit there and listen to him moan? He wouldn't want me there anyway. I'll just make up a batch of awesome chicken soup for him the next day when he's feeling better, there isn't all that much you can do with a sick person at home. I mean they should be asleep!

Also, dallas may be onto something. Have you constantly ranted about debbie before? I see no issue with my boyfriend having close female friends he talks to all the time. Our love runs deeper than friendship. I have never found any of them to be an annoyance in any way, and plus out of all of them he chose me for his girlfriend. And your partner went to his close friend's birthday party, not a random woman's, so I see no reason to be upset, sick or not. He should be there in the first place.

I do think you're just annoyed because you don't like this debbie person much (correct me if i'm wrong), but honestly... I would expect my boyfriend to be at his good friend's birthday party.

devoted · Feb 24th, 2008, 03:24 AM

If my bf's close friendship with another woman bothered me THAT much, I wouldn't have developed a serious relationship with him at all. You obviously trust him and don't really mind his friendship with her, you're just upset that maybe your whole vacation was planned around debbie...talk to him about it, hopefully that isn't the case.

irish_clover · Feb 24th, 2008, 04:00 AM

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I get why you feel the way you do. if it were me I would feel the same
Because it isn't me though I can see his side of the issue better. I guess maybe he thinks it would make him a bad friend to come all that way and end up missing the birthday party.maybe he feels if he missed it he would be betraying his friend.

Hope you feel better btw

amanda · Feb 24th, 2008, 12:36 PM

i DO sorta understand why you'd be upset, but i don't think he's in the wrong, either. if debbie is his good friend, you have to respect that - she was there before you, after all. and as another poster mentioned, what was he supposed to do, sit there and watch you be sick all night when one of his closest friends that he probably very rarely sees is expecting him? if you were extremely sick, as in needing to be taken to the emergency room, that's one thing. but from what i gather, you were just regular sick. i would have done the same thing he did - taken you home, made sure you were comfortable, and gone to the party.

i think the bigger question here is would you be upset about ANY of this if Debbie was male instead of female?

and perhaps i sympathize more with him because i have a 'Debbie,' too. His name is Aaron, he lives halfway across the country, and I get to see him MAYBE once a year, but we talk all the time. We've been friends since we were 12 and he's my closest friend in the whole world. So if I was in Denver (where he lives) and it was his birthday, I'd move heaven and earth to go to that party. You best bet my SO would be alone at the hotel if they weren't feeling like going.

Also, if Debbie has been a source of previous strife in your relationship and your SO knows that you're not a huge fan of hers, he may have thought you were playing sick to try and prevent him from seeing her. I know that would cross my mind if I were in the same situation.

I do hope you're feeling better, though, and I can see why you felt the way you did. But maybe take a step back and see if your anger is coming from something OTHER than just his going to the party when you were sick.

chodessa · Feb 24th, 2008, 12:44 PM

I feel like this could happen to me and DH.
Firstoff, I think DH would accuse me of faking..or at least having a terrible attitude in not even trying to go to the party and tough it out. Were you that sick that you couldn't tough it out for him?
Then if it became an argument, I think he would go without me... and I would be upset, but he would be too.
Because now your boyfriend has to show face at a party without you and have to explain why you are not there. And that puts him in a bad position and it leaves you sitting alone in a hotel room.
I think this party was an added bonus to the weekend for him and is probably very disappointed that the night was ruined. He was probably looking forward to it more than you realize, but he probably couldn't tell you since you seem to vocalize your dislike for Debbie.
Hope it works out.

gillianna · Feb 24th, 2008, 03:01 PM

It does seem like the trip was done to go to the party and not a special weekend just with you. I would be mad but he has continued to place his friend in very high regard to they way she is involved with your life.
I guess you need to decide if you want Debbie in your life for the rest of your life????? Either suck up and accept that your boyfriend will put her above you or move on. I do not think missing her birthday party would have been the end of the world for him but he would rather have been with her that night.
Makes you think there is more to this story.

Pursegrrl · Feb 24th, 2008, 03:19 PM

I hope you're feeling better!

But I completely agree with Amanda's post: "...Also, if Debbie has been a source of previous strife in your relationship and your SO knows that you're not a huge fan of hers, he may have thought you were playing sick to try and prevent him from seeing her. I know that would cross my mind if I were in the same situation..."

fiatflux · Feb 24th, 2008, 04:44 PM

Quote:

My bf has a close friend, Debbie (who is already a source of annoyance in our relationship, as they talk all the time and are very close),

Herein lies the biggest problem, IMO. It's not really normal to be close and talk all the time to a friend of the opposite sex when you are in a committed relationship. I know some people make it work, but it's clearly not "working" in your relationship (because you are not happy with it).

queenvictoria2 · Feb 24th, 2008, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fiatflux

Herein lies the biggest problem, IMO. It's not really normal to be close and talk all the time to a friend of the opposite sex when you are in a committed relationship. I know some people make it work, but it's clearly not "working" in your relationship (because you are not happy with it).

I agree ... and sorry, but I DISAGREE with amanda's post that she was there before you, I say SO WHAT? Does he want a relationship with Debbie or with YOU?
No offense to you amanda :) I just disagree that's all.
You obviously were not happy being left alone in a hotel and YOU should be his priority not Debbie regardless of their past .... JMHO

simseema17 · Feb 24th, 2008, 05:55 PM

I agree with fiatflux, its his relationship with debbie that is the root of the problem.

In this one specific situation though, yes, I would be annoyed. I'm pretty sure my husband would say, "I'll stay with you" even if I told him to go. The only situation where he would go if it was someone really close to both of us, or really close family members. I would try and talk to him about the real problem-his close friendship with debbie.

Feb 24th, 2008, 02:19 AM	#1
jhazn85 Member Location: New York	am i being completely unreasonable?? So my boyfriend and I came to Philly for the weekend to do the whole tourist thing, and just spend some quality time together. We've been together for 4 years and 3 months, and it's the FIRST time we've ever gone away somewhere and stayed in a hotel together, so it was a really important weekend. My bf has a close friend, Debbie (who is already a source of annoyance in our relationship, as they talk all the time and are very close), who is having a bday party tonight. She lives here in Philly (I'm already annoyed because I feel like my bf only wanted to come to Philly just so he can go to her bday party, but used our "vacation" as an excuse), and our plan was to have dinner, just me and my bf, and then meet Debbie and her friends afterwards. During dinner, I started feeling extremely sick and needed to come back to our hotel. My bf basically decided that he would STILL go out, and even though I was extremely sick, he still left me here. So here I am, sitting here in our hotel room, PISSED OFF, but at the same time, I wonder if I'm being unreasonable?? I'm so pissed that he would want to go to Debbie's bday party so bad that he would leave me alone in our hotel room, sick, and especially on the first vacation we've ever had together.

Feb 24th, 2008, 02:46 AM	#2
dallas Ya anno	Re: am i being completely unreasonable?? Is it possible that he doesn't believe you are really sick? That you "put it on" to make him stay with you? __________________ A good deed is never lost: he who sows courtesy reaps friendship; and he who plants kindness gathers love.

Feb 24th, 2008, 02:52 AM	#3
Zophie I <3 my Maltese! Location: New Orleans, LA	Re: am i being completely unreasonable?? Honestly, I can see both sides of it so it's hard to say if there is one "right" side to the issue. I really can understand why you'd be upset. At the same time, I can understand wanting to see his friend and not wanting to miss her birthday. What's the deal with this friend though? Do you think there is something else going on there besides friendship? __________________

Feb 24th, 2008, 03:02 AM	#4
iheartvuitton Member	Re: am i being completely unreasonable?? I would be mad. But I'm like that. I expect to be treated how I would treat my boyfriend and if the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn't want to leave him alone- even if he told me to go, I'd feel guilty. I don't think you're being unreasonable. Has he called to check up on you at least? If he hasn't, maybe you two should discuss it in the morning? Talk about how you were alittle disappointed in that he chose to leave you in a hotel alone and didn't check in to see if you are ok? __________________

Feb 24th, 2008, 03:10 AM	#5
FijiBuni Fur Is Wrong Location: From here you can't see me stare	Re: am i being completely unreasonable?? I think thats reasonable to be upset... if he was sick and your friend was having a bday party I'm sure he would want you to stay with him. I would be mad for sure that he would leave me on our vacation to go to a friends party... By the way if this girl is an annoyance in your relationship and you knew she was having a bday on your vacation and your vacation was where she lives why would you go there with him in the first place....??? __________________ http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/Sta...A-Dog-Is-Wrong -Please sign the petition against this monster-

Feb 24th, 2008, 03:10 AM	#6
helium Member	Re: am i being completely unreasonable?? This is how I see it: my boyfriend and I have been together for three years and a few odd months. He has been with me through everything. He is my first priority. However, I can't throw aside the fact that my closest friends have been with me for longer, and have also been with me through everything, and are there for me when things go wrong in my life, just like my boyfriend. Because of this, I wouldn't miss any of their birthdays for the world, let alone my boyfriend's sickness. Plus what am I supposed to do, sit there and listen to him moan? He wouldn't want me there anyway. I'll just make up a batch of awesome chicken soup for him the next day when he's feeling better, there isn't all that much you can do with a sick person at home. I mean they should be asleep! Also, dallas may be onto something. Have you constantly ranted about debbie before? I see no issue with my boyfriend having close female friends he talks to all the time. Our love runs deeper than friendship. I have never found any of them to be an annoyance in any way, and plus out of all of them he chose me for his girlfriend. And your partner went to his close friend's birthday party, not a random woman's, so I see no reason to be upset, sick or not. He should be there in the first place. I do think you're just annoyed because you don't like this debbie person much (correct me if i'm wrong), but honestly... I would expect my boyfriend to be at his good friend's birthday party. Last edited by helium; Feb 24th, 2008 at 03:15 AM.

Feb 24th, 2008, 03:24 AM	#7
devoted Member	Re: am i being completely unreasonable?? If my bf's close friendship with another woman bothered me THAT much, I wouldn't have developed a serious relationship with him at all. You obviously trust him and don't really mind his friendship with her, you're just upset that maybe your whole vacation was planned around debbie...talk to him about it, hopefully that isn't the case.

Feb 24th, 2008, 04:00 AM	#8
irish_clover Member Location: Vancouver BC	Re: am i being completely unreasonable?? I don't think you are being unreasonable. I get why you feel the way you do. if it were me I would feel the same Because it isn't me though I can see his side of the issue better. I guess maybe he thinks it would make him a bad friend to come all that way and end up missing the birthday party.maybe he feels if he missed it he would be betraying his friend. Hope you feel better btw

Feb 24th, 2008, 12:36 PM	#9
amanda I Bleed Georgia Red Location: Athens, GA	Re: am i being completely unreasonable?? i DO sorta understand why you'd be upset, but i don't think he's in the wrong, either. if debbie is his good friend, you have to respect that - she was there before you, after all. and as another poster mentioned, what was he supposed to do, sit there and watch you be sick all night when one of his closest friends that he probably very rarely sees is expecting him? if you were extremely sick, as in needing to be taken to the emergency room, that's one thing. but from what i gather, you were just regular sick. i would have done the same thing he did - taken you home, made sure you were comfortable, and gone to the party. i think the bigger question here is would you be upset about ANY of this if Debbie was male instead of female? and perhaps i sympathize more with him because i have a 'Debbie,' too. His name is Aaron, he lives halfway across the country, and I get to see him MAYBE once a year, but we talk all the time. We've been friends since we were 12 and he's my closest friend in the whole world. So if I was in Denver (where he lives) and it was his birthday, I'd move heaven and earth to go to that party. You best bet my SO would be alone at the hotel if they weren't feeling like going. Also, if Debbie has been a source of previous strife in your relationship and your SO knows that you're not a huge fan of hers, he may have thought you were playing sick to try and prevent him from seeing her. I know that would cross my mind if I were in the same situation. I do hope you're feeling better, though, and I can see why you felt the way you did. But maybe take a step back and see if your anger is coming from something OTHER than just his going to the party when you were sick. __________________ PROUD TO BE A UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA BULLDOG! Read my blog: http://graduationday.wordpress.com

Feb 24th, 2008, 12:44 PM	#10
chodessa Hot Smot and Humble	Re: am i being completely unreasonable?? I feel like this could happen to me and DH. Firstoff, I think DH would accuse me of faking..or at least having a terrible attitude in not even trying to go to the party and tough it out. Were you that sick that you couldn't tough it out for him? Then if it became an argument, I think he would go without me... and I would be upset, but he would be too. Because now your boyfriend has to show face at a party without you and have to explain why you are not there. And that puts him in a bad position and it leaves you sitting alone in a hotel room. I think this party was an added bonus to the weekend for him and is probably very disappointed that the night was ruined. He was probably looking forward to it more than you realize, but he probably couldn't tell you since you seem to vocalize your dislike for Debbie. Hope it works out.

Feb 24th, 2008, 03:01 PM	#11
gillianna Member	Re: am i being completely unreasonable?? It does seem like the trip was done to go to the party and not a special weekend just with you. I would be mad but he has continued to place his friend in very high regard to they way she is involved with your life. I guess you need to decide if you want Debbie in your life for the rest of your life????? Either suck up and accept that your boyfriend will put her above you or move on. I do not think missing her birthday party would have been the end of the world for him but he would rather have been with her that night. Makes you think there is more to this story.

Feb 24th, 2008, 03:19 PM	#12
Pursegrrl Oh! That Joe! Location: Seattle	Re: am i being completely unreasonable?? I hope you're feeling better! But I completely agree with Amanda's post: "...Also, if Debbie has been a source of previous strife in your relationship and your SO knows that you're not a huge fan of hers, he may have thought you were playing sick to try and prevent him from seeing her. I know that would cross my mind if I were in the same situation..." __________________

Feb 24th, 2008, 05:55 PM	#15
simseema17 Homo sapien Location: NY	Re: am i being completely unreasonable?? I agree with fiatflux, its his relationship with debbie that is the root of the problem. In this one specific situation though, yes, I would be annoyed. I'm pretty sure my husband would say, "I'll stay with you" even if I told him to go. The only situation where he would go if it was someone really close to both of us, or really close family members. I would try and talk to him about the real problem-his close friendship with debbie.