All the years of misunderstanding

[IntlSet]

I feel like now that I'm 24, I finally understand my mother. And I feel HORRIBLE about all the bad feelings between us that arose over nothing but misunderstanding -- MY misunderstanding of the situation.

Just one example: my mother used to constantly pick fights with my father regarding his family. I now know this isn't b*tchiness -- it's because my father's side of the family is populated with pricks. Incredible pricks. This is something I never really understood before... and I used to always stick up for my dad, who now I realize (or at least feel) is clearly in the wrong.

I feel terrible and wish there were some way to explain to her that I now understand why she's behaved the way she has. And imagine the countless other things I don't yet understand!

I'm afraid that when I have children they'll do the same thing I did with my poor mom. You really don't understand until you're an adult and I feel horrible thinking of all the angst I probably put my mom through just because I didn't understand where she was coming from.

Can anyone relate?

[barcreperie]

I think this is a pretty normal pattern - teenage girls and their mothers butting heads is pretty much a cliche, happens to the majority of people, even when there is an immense amount of love involved. This is how it happened with me and my mom, and how it happened with me and my daughter. My daughter is now 26 with a daughter of her own, and she tells me now that she understands better where I was coming from when she was younger, especially related to the things I did to protect/restrict her during her teens. A certain amount of this discord is due to immaturity on the child's part, but it's a necessary part of the maturation process as the child grows up and struggles with her identity with adulthood. I think most mothers realize this while it's going on, although it's still difficult.

Tell your mom what you're thinking. She probably already knows it, but it sure is good to hear!!!

[lovinalotofbags]

I would write a lovely heart felt note in a card and send it to her.

[LadyLinda]

I agree with the advice you've already received. Your mother will be thrilled with any overture you make!

[merika]

It happens. And a lot of parents do understand. I butted heads with my mom; I know that she did the same to her mom. My son does it to me now, and I'm like "I've done that, young man, don't think you're the first person to argue with your mother!!" If the parent is loving and mature they do understand that a lot of it comes from immaturity and they are willing to forgive it - not ten years later, but right when it happens.

[guccimamma]

the cycle of life, eventually even the kids realize the inlaws are nuts

(sorry i am inserting my own personal views of my inlaws)

but my kids think they are great, and someday will probably think i am a self-righteous b!tch...but i still won't say bad things about them in front of my kids

evenutally they will figure it out, it is not my place to make them hate their father's side of the family

just tell your mom, "i realized how crazy they all are..you are a saint mom, for putting up with all of them" that will mean the world to her!

[twinkle.tink]

Originally Posted by guccimamma

the cycle of life, eventually even the kids realize the inlaws are nuts

(sorry i am inserting my own personal views of my inlaws)

but my kids think they are great, and someday will probably think i am a self-righteous b!tch...but i still won't say bad things about them in front of my kids

evenutally they will figure it out, it is not my place to make them hate their father's side of the family

just tell your mom, "i realized how crazy they all are..you are a saint mom, for putting up with all of them" that will mean the world to her!

ITA....believe me, when my 19 year old says things like, "now I undertand" it means so much to me.

[HauteMama]

My mom told me that it meant the most to her when I told her either that she was right about something I hated growing up or when I told her I understood her perspective. So either tell her face to face or write her a card. It will probably mean more than you know just for her to hear you say you understand. And you are very mature to be able to see and admit it, too. Many people either refuse to see or refuse to admit they do see for many more years!

[boxermom]

This is sooo normal. barcreperie said exactly what I was thinking. It's part of being young to think you know everything and your parents just don't get it. As you mature, you begin to realize parents knew more than we realized.

Share your insight with her, as others have said. She will appreciate it. You're a perfectly normal, loving daughter. Remember this when you butt heads with your own kids in the future--it's almost always a phase they grow out of, thank goodness!

[Danica]

I can totally relate, I wish I could take back all the brattyness and misunderstandings because I now know I was in the wrong. Mom and I are so close and such good friends now though and I'm thankful for that. It just took me growing up.

[BagLuver]

Totally normal. I think most teenage girls don't "get" their mom, and then one day, as we cross into adulthood, a light bulb comes on! It happened to me, and I let my mom know that. It meant a lot to her for me to tell her that I finally understood, and I was sorry for my reactions. I do not have girls of my own, but I have 3 stepdaughters whom I love dearly. I pray for the day that I get a phone call from each of them, and they say, "I get it now!"

[LissiSays]

I agree with everyone else here. It's a natural cycle of life. We go from a period where we think we are smarter than our mother (or parents) and then realize that we aren't. We don't understand why our parents do or say certain things. But as we get older, we get wiser, and our perspective on things change. That is the moment where we begin to appreciate things that our mothers do for us that we didn't understand before.

[VPT]

Sit her down soon, and tell her what you have told us. Being a mom of teenage daughters can be a daunting task, some mothers say having sons are sometimes better. Reconcile soon, don't keep it inside you.

[shanam]

Loved reading your post. Someday if I live long enough I ho0e my daughter will say similar things to me.
Only after having my own child could I understand what I put my mother through and the most wonderful thing is that I am able to tell her countless times how now I know.
Trust me.... your mother understands but it will make her heart soar to hear you tell her.

[nooch]

Same basic idea here, different specifics. I used to think my mother hated ME... she was always horribly mean and petty to me while at the same time relying on me to be pretty much her only friend. Most people talk about how they've been working since they were fourteen to finance what they wanted as kids, I had to quit the only job I got in high school because she didn't want me out of the house away from her that much. I really thought it was all because of me and because I was a horrible daughter.

Fast forward to last month... I always knew my grandma has never been playing with a full deck (she was institutionalized in the 60s) and that my mom took the brunt of that and my alcoholic grandfather as a kid. I knew it as an intellectual fact, that she sort of did love me but she was somehow only able to show love to one kid at once (my brother) probably because my grandparents supposedly loved my aunt more. I knew it, and it was something I told myself, but I don't think I ever fully understood it until my fiance and I flew back to NY last month and we were having dinner with my mom, her fiance, and my grandma. My grandma told my mother "when I was pregnant, I never wanted a girl, I wanted you to be a boy, never wanted girls". It just hit me like a truck that my mother really truly thinks how horrible she is to me is normal. She's never known anything else.

I lived with my mother until I was 17, went to college, lived with my then-boyfriend now-fiance for awhile, and spent last summer living with her before I moved out to NM to re-join my fiance. Since I moved to New Mexico, I got a phone call from my 19 year old brother (who, because of the very different treatment we received as kids, I'd never been close with because I resented him) and he told me that he was really sorry for never believing me when we were kids and that now that it was just him, he was getting the same horrible, mean, and unreasonable treatment I'd been raised on.

Now I guess I just feel bad for her, that she thinks it's normal to treat people that way. I'm trying to not feel sorry for myself although I'm admittedly not super at that. Whenever my fiance mentions some normal aspect of his normal middle class life as a kid (even simple things like being allowed to go on school trips) I get all defensive sometimes. Part of me wants to say, okay it's not her fault she's horrible, just continue to take it because there's nothing you can do. The rest of me says that she's a grown adult and if I can see the situation for what it is, she should have been able to as well. I don't know. I don't even think this post made sense.

Reading the book My Mother/My Self helped for some things, I would have never heard about it if not for my MIL.