akward situation with coworker, advice needed (long)

[Tammie25]

Well this is sort of an akward situation. I recently started working at a mutual fund company, and kind of have a huge crush on one of my co-worker.

He actually sits besides me, but we barely talked during my first week in the office. In fact, his first word to me was "so how tall are you?" while we were in the elevator.

During my first month, things kind of changed. Our office is not always busy and there are always people on business trips. So one day he started chatting with me online, and then invited me to have lunch. Needless to say, i was very happy, and our lunch went great. He also asked me about my relationship history, (in a joking way of course). And i asked him back, and he didnt state clearly that he has a girlfriend.
So i kinda got the vibe that he might also like me. We share many same experiences, in terms of school, hobbies, etc.

But i soon found out that he has a girlfriend from another coworker. So i surpressed my feelings and tried to only view him as a friend/co worker.
The three or four of us often go to lunch together and always have a good time together.

I m not sure if i have shown that i like him or because of something i did, i dont know since when things have changed. We don't have lunch together anymore. If he goes out for lunch, he will go alone or only asks one of the other male co worker. And we dont really joke around or talk to each other all that much anymore.

During month 2, we had a small row, its very minor, so it is not even worth mentioning.....during month 3, we started talking again, but once online, we had a strange conversation. and since then, we just kind of became strangers.

The conversation went like this.

Me: hey u ve been assigned for a heavy workload recently, how are u handling?
Him: so far its ok, just tired....
Me: hey use ur charmingness, u wont have any problem at all
Him: i just cannot see why i m charming or handsome in anyway
Me: oh well i was kidding , dont be so serious
Him: oh... i knew u were only bluffing/lying
Me: speaking of bluffing/lying, how can i compare to u guys? u guys are so good at getting the girls
Him: Stop. When did i lie to get the girls? I have never lied to any women in my life. I dont even know how.
Me: Oh well this is lying...
Him: i guess someone is thinking too much
Me: what do u mean? You are prob thinking too much.
Him: I dont think about this kind of stuff at all. There must be someone who is thinking too much.
Me: Ok maybe my joke was over ur limit. If so, sorry about that. I thought we were friends.
Him: Its better to just keep a work relationship.
I think its ok for guys to joke like that, for girls to joke like that, its considered to be "low class".

Me: Prob just because of geographical/cultural difference
Him: Yeah u should learn more about that before u make a comment. I think girls from the South is worth more of my attention than girls from the North. (I m from the northern part of the country, and his gf is from the southern part of the country)




I have to say, i am very offended by him comment. And we havent really spoke to each other except for work stuff.

Whats more annoying is , whenever i talk to the other male co worker, he'd always make some comments like "oh u two are suitable for each other!" This male co corker and i are both single, so sometimes we talk about dating stories, etc.

I guess my question is : How do i handle this situation? Is it werid to not talk to ur neighbor for the whole 8 hours while u are in the office?

And how should i alter his view of "i like him"? In fact, i ve been trying to make friendly gestures and i think he took those gestures as "i like him"....

I dont know what to do....and its really uncomfortable in the office now...

[yeliab]

Sorry to hear you're going through this!!

Let's see... A few suggestions:

Start to pal around with the other single guy... let your single guy friend know that you "don't like your neighbor colleague" (the one you use to like) and the word will get back to your neighbor colleague. At least the single guy will stop "teasing" or stop making suggestive comments about you two being good for each other.

Start going to lunch with other office mates... perhaps only go to lunch for awhile with your single male friend colleague. Perhaps this will take the "anxious/pressure" off the other guy you use to like. Not so much you - but the pressure off of him. Then he doesn't have to keep acting "standoffish" toward you.

Also, if possible - it would be great if you could stop going to lunch with him in the groups... There needs to be a break to give you both space... it'll take the edge off the 'uncomfortable' ness. After a certain amount of time - you'll notice that the anxiousness or tension between you two will be gone. Then you two can resume a friendly work relationship.

Hopefully this will work sooner than later... but I really do suggest giving the strained / misunderstood working relationship some 'space' and taking the focus off of him. He'll feel better and so will you!!

[ZippyWho]

You probably won't like what I have to say. You did have a crush on him and he probably picked up that vibe since you started your conversation on work but then ventured into flirting with him by talking about his looks here and there.

My advice is to talk to him about work since that is his request.

[Tammie25]

Thank you for the above suggestions. And yes, i am 80% sure that he picked up the vibe that i like him. But just to clarify things, after i found out that he has a gf (in fact, the other male co worker talked about this while all of us were there), he continued to "flirt" with me....I m not sure if he "flirted" intentionally or it is just his way of talking. For example, he d make comments on my earrings, perfume, or me being a woman and him being a man, etc. I feel like he does this with other girls in the office too. (but there are only two girls on our floor).

Also, me saying "oh u are so good at getting the girls/ or u are such a player" is only a joke. I feel like he was also very offened by that comment.

Anyways, we have not went to lunch together/or in a group, or talked all that much for over a month.

And today is the first day after our annual vacation of 8 days. So i asked him: how's ur vacation? And he was like: pretty good. He didnt ask how my vacation was or anything.

So i paused and then i said i brought the whole office some snacks, i ve alreay gave out some to some co workers. Now, which kind do u want? (i feel like this is purely a friendly gesture).

And he told me i can just place those snacks in the tearoom, and then ppl can have them when they want.

....Now i feel i m starting to resent him....I mean, it is him who started flirting in the beginning, and i back off after i found out he had a g/f.....so i dont know what i should do anymore, or just leave the situation as it is.

[yeliab]

Yea, Tammie, leave it alone and only talk to him vaguely. No personal stuff... He seems to be one of those guys that likes to flirt but as soon as the flirting is returned - he gets freaked. And unfortunately this is how he deals with it.

It's not you... it's him. He's acting standoffish and curt... let him be ... just ignore his comments - don't ever take it personally... he's just trying to feel like he's in control over this thing - not you. Yea, let the guy ... be.

He'll come around - just work and do your thing. If you don't have to email him during the day - don't... give that some space. Only work email stuff...

Things will get better as time moves on... the tension will be dropped when HE feels he's no longer threatened. Weird I know,... but that's the dance they go through. He's saying all of these Curt things to let you know he doesn't "like" you (put the gift in the lunchroom...). I know it's hard, Tammie, but let him be and things will fall into place.

[natalie78]

He sounds like an immature little brat. He can start something, but once he doesn't like the way it's going, he sulks and becomes a jerk. I wouldn't even bother with him anymore. Keep it business with him. I wouldn't even bother asking how his day, work, vacation, etc., has been going.

[olialm1]

He sounds lame to me. I would totally drop him, he is definitely not worth wasting anymore time over considering how offense and rude he is. Plus, he's a liar.

[domlee]

IF someone else determined that the two of you may have had a thing going on, MAYBE someone had a stern talking to him (whether gf, boss, co-worker, HR, etc)?

Words of advice, keep your workplace professional. I'm not saying that you did anything. But your conversation posted above, is not professional. Especially w/ mentioning of his "charm" and "getting the girls".

You may not like the current situation you're in, but you gotta deal w/ it. Keep it professional and show that you can be professional. Keep your personal life out of the workplace. It doesn't matter if you're starting to resent him and you believe he may have started flirting w/ you in the beginning. Regardless, be professional. Stop trying to still be "his friend" because that may be what got you (and him) in this mess.

[Charles]

Originally Posted by natalie78

He sounds like an immature little brat. He can start something, but once he doesn't like the way it's going, he sulks and becomes a jerk. I wouldn't even bother with him anymore. Keep it business with him. I wouldn't even bother asking how his day, work, vacation, etc., has been going.

Yeah, he kind of sounds like an ass.

Just keep the future convos about work only.

[LeeMiller]

Originally Posted by yeliab

Yea, Tammie, leave it alone and only talk to him vaguely. No personal stuff... He seems to be one of those guys that likes to flirt but as soon as the flirting is returned - he gets freaked. And unfortunately this is how he deals with it. It's not you... it's him. He's acting standoffish and curt... let him be ... just ignore his comments - don't ever take it personally... he's just trying to feel like he's in control over this thing - not you. Yea, let the guy ... be. He'll come around - just work and do your thing. If you don't have to email him during the day - don't... give that some space. Only work email stuff... Things will get better as time moves on... the tension will be dropped when HE feels he's no longer threatened. Weird I know,... but that's the dance they go through. He's saying all of these Curt things to let you know he doesn't "like" you (put the gift in the lunchroom...). I know it's hard, Tammie, but let him be and things will fall into place.

I completely agree with this.

Also, I have to point this out - did you know that some companies save/monitor instant messages. What you wrote him is really unprofessional and I hate to say this, but could get you in trouble if he complained. Please be very careful what you write in the future - no comments on gender, handsomeness, charming, how "men" are, etc.

What he wrote about Southern girls is just plain so rude and offensive I'm surprised you asked him about snacks -- don't ask him again, you'll just feel bad when he acts poorly. Oh and FYI I married a Southern gentleman and he NEVER said anything like that! Next time he makes a comment about Norther girls you should respond I didn't know a Southern gentleman would talk like that!

[Aslan]

Originally Posted by LeeMiller

Also, I have to point this out - did you know that some companies save/monitor instant messages. What you wrote him is really unprofessional and I hate to say this, but could get you in trouble if he complained. Please be very careful what you write in the future - no comments on gender, handsomeness, charming, how "men" are, etc.

Exactly what I wanted to say. If you guys have a disagreement, your words can be used against you by him if he complains. Just keep that in mind.

[mimi14]

Ok...well take it form someone who was in your position not all that long ago. And the flirting and the games were fun and he initiated most of it [I have a thread if you want to go see for yourself]...my honest advice to you is to keep it professional and to just ignore him and his BS. I learned my lesson the hard way when he refused my invitations, even though he expressed an interest and he flirted with me all the time...and he continued to do so. And people are different, I'm not saying your co-worker is like mine, but ultimately it's not really all that worth it. And if you want to know how badly it sucks, my co-worker would have been deemed the ultimate good guy by everybody I knew, except he isn't the good guy. He's just another guy. Keep it professional and don't let it get to you.

[juneping]

oh...i am sorry that you are going thru this.

but look it from the bright side that he's not your boss and he's only sitting next to you. from now on, just keep it professional...morning and good bye. if you don't have to speak with him, don't. he was being very immature if you ask me.
everyday is a new start. so what you had a crush. but you need to ignore him. guys are easier to handle than girls...so talk to other guys..be friendly and professional. you'll be okay.

[ami kio]

Originally Posted by Tammie25

How do i handle this situation? Is it werid to not talk to ur neighbor for the whole 8 hours while u are in the office? And how should i alter his view of "i like him"? In fact, i ve been trying to make friendly gestures and i think he took those gestures as "i like him"....

I agree with previous posts recommending that you maintain a polite business-like relationship. Personally, I don't think that it's weird not to talk to a cube neighbor other than a "Hi/Bye" -- cubemate would be a different story, though.

And, to be honest, I think that you still kind of like him -- or at least care about his opinion -- since you resent his polite standoffish behavior.

To prove that you don't like him, I recommend treating him exactly the same as you'd treat someone else, regardless of your "history".

[natalie78]

And I don't think it's odd to not talk to a coworker. I have one coworker that I can go days without talking to. We have separate individual offices, but we share a common area. She knows that I don't like her, so it's not an issue.