advise needed re 'relationship' (long post)

[Graciella]

I thought my life was perfect now that I'm finally doing what I love (Egyptology - still a BA student though). I have a great home, great friends, a super social life and study-wise I'm going great. Throw in a bag purchase or two any now and then and I was happy. At only 23, I think I'm doing just great.

But then I met this guy...last week. We'd met before, as he's the bar guy at this cafe we sometimes go to. He said he remembered me from before, and that he occassionaly saw me at university. We had a great evening, chatting away about all sorts of stuff. It felt like I was talking to myself (but better looking ). He asked if I wanted to meet him the next day at a club, and of course I said yes. Anyway, the cafe closed and we walked homewards together. He kissed me on the cheek to wish me good night. Before I knew it we were kissing in the middele of the street, for about 10 minutes or so. He said he could kiss me all night, and I said that'd be ok. We went to his place, and he was really sweet, finding me a toothbrush and something to sleep in. We went to bed, but of course did not go to sleep. Mind you, it was on my initiative, and he was very, very careful because he did not want to rush things. But as I was a virgin and things felt great with him I convinced him that it was ok. And thus we had sex.

The next morning was great, he was still very sweet. We both had class, but we would be seeing each other that night, so things were fine. He sent me a sweet text message and we met that night. He was with his friends, as one of them was celebrating his birthday. He introduced me to all of them and we kissed all night. He said he wanted to be with me, but that some of his friends were staying at his place, so we had to wait till a few days after. But then his best friends came up with a solution, and we could be together. We went to my place and made love all night. He stayed until 3 p.m. the next day. We talked a lot, and it felt great. He even asked me if I wanted to come see him play rugby that sunday (alas, I couldn't). Mind you, this is my first ever 'relationship' experience - I've never had a boyfriend and I can't remember anyone seriously being interested in me, and not just my body. Most guys I meet just want to touch me, but this felt different - we talked a lot, and he wanted to know everything about me. He even spend a whole half hour going through my books to see what sort of person I was (concluding with an affirming nod and a 'you're perfect!').

But then yesterday...I went to the cafe as he was working, and we had a great night. As we walked home he started kissing me. As he was going to a friend's house we couldn't go home together, but we still kissed a lot. Then he suddenly said that he was mad about me, that he thought I was beautiful and sweet and perfect, but that he couldn't have a relationship with me, as he was still searching for himself, and that he wasn't really in love with me...That felt like a kick in the stomach. But then he went on saying he did love me, and that he didn't want things to end - that we could keep seeing each other, and be together, and that he didn't want to lose me, but didn't want to hurt me either. He asked if that'd be ok, and I said I didn't know. He wants to see me today, and I invited him for dinner on saturday. He said he really wanted to be with me.

What should I do? Am I crazy? What is this? Is he just scared? Bonding issues? Afraid he doesn't have enough time to spend with his friends? We've only known each other for a week, but we both love to be together. Is it just sex? I don't think it is, as he said that we could just spend the night together and not have sex, because he just wants to be with me. I am very much in love, and have been over the moon for the past few days - I don't even care about bags and purses and other material stuff anymore. Is there a chance that he might change his mind? That he might still fall in love? How can he say that I am beautiful and sweet and great to be around, and that he can't resist me, but then still claim he isn't in love with me? What should I do? Stop seeing him? I don't want to stop seeing him, but I don't want to get hurt either (not more than I am now...) Help! (sorry for the long post, I'm really upset now).

[uninviting]

Originally Posted by Graciella

What should I do? Am I crazy? What is this? Is he just scared? Bonding issues? Afraid he doesn't have enough time to spend with his friends? We've only known each other for a week, but we both love to be together. Is it just sex? I don't think it is, as he said that we could just spend the night together and not have sex, because he just wants to be with me. I am very much in love, and have been over the moon for the past few days - I don't even care about bags and purses and other material stuff anymore. Is there a chance that he might change his mind? That he might still fall in love? How can he say that I am beautiful and sweet and great to be around, and that he can't resist me, but then still claim he isn't in love with me? What should I do? Stop seeing him? I don't want to stop seeing him, but I don't want to get hurt either (not more than I am now...) Help! (sorry for the long post, I'm really upset now).

Slow down! While reading the post, I had to double check to make sure that all of this took place in one week's time. I can't help but think that the fact that you lost your virginity to this guy and that he's your first real "relationship" is contributing majorly to what you feel for him.

You two have only seen each other a few times. I personally think that you're moving too fast and expecting too much. If you're okay with the fact that it might not go anywhere serious (and it doesn't seem like you are), then break it off with him. It seems that you're already a little too attached and I am not sure how you're going to handle the potential "break up." Or you could just take it slow and see where it goes without expecting love after a week.

Even if he thinks highly of you, it doesn't have to translate into him being in love with you. You can just like someone or be in like with them and think that they are beautiful, great, hard to resist, etc. But whether he's really not in the market for a serious relationship and/or he's just using that as an excuse to make things more casual, you should focus more on the amazing stuff going on in your life and less on the guy you met a week ago.

[juneping]

I think he already told you the truth....he doesn't love you but want to be with you. Sounds like a noncommiting dating thing.
May be I m being negative....hope others have better insight

[amymaria]

Okay,
I think you need to slow down. Take a step back and look at your "relationship" in third person for a second. While you guys may really have a great chemistry that doesn't mean either of you are actually "in love" with each other. I would call it more of a infatuation with each other because you are both new and exciting parts of each other lives.

If this is your first relationship experience you may feel more emotional attachment to him than he does for you - it's fairly normal. It's puppy dog love.

There is nothing wrong with all of this but sometimes people can lose themselves in other people. Remember to do things for yourself, do things on your own and do the things you have loved prior.

[kate83675]

I don't know that I have better insight but I do agree that you all need to slow down. One week with most of it spent wrapped in each other's arms or beds isn't really a relationship yet. It doesn't look like you've even been on a real date. He sounds like a nice guy but it's way too soon to know if you're in love or lust - not that there's anything wrong with lust but don't mistake it for something it's not. He says he wants to be with you so that's good but do something other than falling into bed to see if you have more upon which to build a real relationship.

I'm not saying this is you but...women can have a tendency to see the first man they go to bed with as "the one" and to be in love with him. He sounds like a nice guy but be careful and I wish you good luck.

[Charles]

I think that he perhaps senses your "falling", and being the more experienced party, is trying to slow you down a bit. At this point, it looks as simple as that, but I can't tell for sure.
What do you want out of this? Are you ready to commit...after 1 week?

[Graciella]

Wow, thanks for those great posts! I know it's my first real 'thing', but I have been in love before, and have had some experience with men, but that wasn't anything like this. I guess I am moving too fast too soon, and perhaps I've scared him away because of that. I'll just wait and see what happens - he's coming over for dinner next saturday, perhaps we can work things out then (or at least have a decent conversation).

What I have already learned from the past week is that material things really do not make me happy. Stuff (bags too) and money can only please me when my social life is ok, and when I have someone to share it with. I might not be feeling all too great right now, but at least I now know there's more to life than university and material things. And I now know that my friends are true friends, and that I can always count on them when I'm feeling down.

Please keep the posts coming, I'd like to hear more opinions on this!

[gillianna]

Wow, I am kind of shocked that you jumped in to bed with this guy so easily as the person to be with your first time. He is literally a stranger you just met that you were kissing on the street and it led to more. This is not something that seems to happen to most people or any person I have ever known. Something sounds off with your whole post.
So you had great sex in your mind and you talked, so now it has to be LOVE?????
I think your guy friend is looking for sex without a relationship and he HAS to find himself---until what, another girl catches his eye at the bar/cafe?
Did you ever think that you might be looking at this whole week in a very different way than the guy is? Now you meet a guy and material things don't matter, only a person to share life matters. You need to realize that another person can't be responsible for your happiness. That only leads to disappointment. I really wish you the best in what ever happens.

[Graciella]

^I can imagine your shock, but hey, shouldn't we all just do what feels right? And it sure felt right. And no, noone should be responsible for someone else's feelings, and I certainly don't expect that of anyone. All I know is that the past few days have made me realize that a lot of things that I thought were important to me before really aren't that important, and certainly not essential. And I think the word 'love' is a bit heavy - it's more a feeling of 'being in love', as in 'butterflies'. Is that weird? I don't really think so. I do agree with everyone that I have rushed things, and am moving too fast, but I also think that most of what happened is essentially human, and not shocking or crazy. Or am I just an idiot?

[abs914]

i also spent my first time with someone who i had just met that same night and i'd do it again in a heartbeat. but i do know how two people can see a situation very differently. i saw it as a one time thing -- we didn't really KNOW each other and we lived in different states, yet somehow he 'liked' me and continued to try to contact me even after i had left his state. when you see him next, you both should just be open about what your intentions are and i'm sure you'll figure it all out.

[Aslan]

One week and you think you are in love? Not trying to be harsh, but ITA with Charles... maybe he's scared! I know he's your first but relax and slow down, you're moving forward in your head too fast.

[kittenheels.us]

Graciella, I agree with everyone that this is moving too fast too speedily. I do think your having sex with him have complicated things.

The truth is, love takes time to grow. The longer you've been together, the deeper and more binding the bond you will feel for each other. He is probably overwhelmed and scared by how fast everything is happening too.

It's best to step back, stop having sex and get to know each other without the physical intimacy. And after getting you've discovered each other's positive AND negative attributes and still love him, then that's love and you can start thinking about the next step you both want to take.

*hugs* I know it's not going to be easy.

[Graciella]

^Thanks, I know I'm moving to fast - my brain says I am, but my heart is telling me that I feel great...It sure is going to be hard...

[bagnshoofetish]

oh boy. I am pulling up my mental files of guys past and this guy comes up as #52. Smooth man.
Smooth man is so Teflon slick and hot you can fry an egg on his butt and it will just slide right off. He says all the right things, is great in bed and flatters the pants (literally) off you. He will tell you you are perfect and awesome and geez may even say things like "I'm gonna marry you someday" - pretty much too good to be true. He even has a posse of friends who will play along with him to make sure he gets what he wants. Smooth man is very attracted to you. But he is most likely attracted to other women too. He wants his cake and eat it too. Smooth man is not ready to settle down. But rather than have to beg and plead and ply you with drinks for sex, he pours it on really thick and gives you false hope about him so you are more easily led to bed without a debate. Then, when he's almost had his fill but wants to keep you in his "stable" and knows he has you hooked, he will confide that he is not ready to settle down but wants to still have "priviliges" with you. Its hard to get mad at Smooth Man cause he's just so darned honest and open about his feelings, the little bugger. Makes you almost feel sorry for him.
So heres the rub: if you just want to have fun and keep him in YOUR stable, then continue without any notions of making a commitment with him. (after only a week, why would you anyway?)
If you are looking for a relationship, RUN.

Smooth man is like trying to catch a greased pig.

[Aslan]

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

oh boy. I am pulling up my mental files of guys past and this guy comes up as #52. Smooth man. Smooth man is so Teflon slick and hot you can fry an egg on his butt and it will just slide right off.

Haha, lmao!