Dec 13th, 2007, 05:11 AM
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Sofa King Blonde!
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A Santa Letter for all the Mums!!
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mum all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold
sixty-two cases of choc bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my daughter's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any colour, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the lolly aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, 'Yes, Mummy' to boost my parental confidence, along with five kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting 'Don't eat in the living room' and 'Take your hands off your sister,' because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare tomato sauce a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my daughter saw my
feet under the laundry room door. I think she wants her crayon back. Have a
safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.
Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always, MUM...!
P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children happy, healthy and always believing.
*Santa has asked that this gets passed on to all the mummies you know
A very Merry Christmas to all you Mum's 
__________________
A girl should be two things: Classy and Fabulous. - Coco Chanel
As long as you know men are like children, you know everything. - Coco Chanel
Deep, deep inside the brain of every woman is a small bungalow in which lives a little lady who is totally obsessed with shoes and handbags 
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