A question of boundaries: concern for co-worker's physical safety

Pursegrrl · Feb 17th, 2008, 02:21 AM

OK, here goes:

Most of you know I started a new job just after Labor Day. I'm now a few months into it to be out of the honeymoon phase and now into the nitty gritty/frustration phase.

A woman in my org started the same day I did, so we went through orientation together and just had a special bond through that. We are peers in the reporting structure, but are enough removed in that we don't really work together on a day to day basis. If I have a new project rolling out I will debrief her and her team as an FYI but that's about it.

She is a few years older than I, divorced and has a grown daughter about 1000 miles from here. No other immediate family here in the Seattle area.

Over the course of time, she and I have chit chatted about day to day things. She knows about the trauma I went through last year with my breakup and job ending, for example. She has also shared info about her dating life and the ups and downs.

OK: from what she has shared with me so far, I am concerned...concerned about her physical safety but unsure of my boundaries. The man she is currently dating is angry, bigoted, controlling and manipulative for starters. They met online and when she discovered he had lied about fundamental things in his profile and she called him on it (e.g. being a smoker vs saying he is not), he schmoozed her into this state to where she thought it was ok after all

. they do not live together...that's a good thing.

when she talked about the latest drama with him (she keeps trying to break it off and it never seems to happen) I gently reminded her that this had been going on EVER SINCE I HAD KNOWN HER. And, for some time since then. I think she really took notice and thought wow, this is going on for months. But then again, in a sad and twisted way, nothing changes.

the things she shares with me scares me enough to where I fear for her physical safety. I've suggested she get a new cell# and not tell him what it is, as well as confirm an escape/safe place plan in case she needs to leave in a hurry. Keep in mind she has a fair amount of animals/pets so it's not an easy thing to get up and leave.

Any thoughts on this? I hesitate to share too much detail but again I want to hear your inputs on this so far....

dallas · Feb 17th, 2008, 02:27 AM

Is she concerned for her own safety? I guess all you can really do is let her know that if she needs someone to talk to, you're there for her. Sorry, not very inspiring advice I know.

RowanOak · Feb 17th, 2008, 04:51 AM

Pursegrrl, There are a lot of questions I want to ask, but I understand with the situation you've found yourself in, you probably would not want to answer (understandably).

Can you say the extent of her feelings for him? IE - Is she in love w/ him, but knows his faults? Or does she not love him and is just scared for her own safety, at this point? This is important to know before suggesting anything for you to do.

If you can't answer that, we'll understand that there are just some things you cannot say at this time.

merika · Feb 17th, 2008, 08:42 AM

I don't know...how much is the guy affecting her life? Does she seriously have to fear for her safety? Is she dramatizing the situation to get your attention somehow?

It's kind of hard for me to say at this moment - I'm trusting that something is bugging you seriously about the guy.

See, you might be extremely concerned for her, but if you do try to do something about it, she'll probably end up being mad at you, and you'll be the 'bad person who interfered'. This happens a LOT of the time.

Tread carefully.

helium · Feb 17th, 2008, 08:47 AM

As an outsider in their relationship, you can do nothing except being there for her. Unless he physically abuses her, you can't report them or anything. Telling anyone else about them is only going to get 'aww that's horrible' comments, no one can physically break them apart except those two.

I wouldn't do anything about it, but I would lay the facts out for her. That is what I did for my friend who was in a horrible relationship. She hated me for it, accused me of being jealous of him (ha!), of not understanding how great he is, blah blah blah. But I felt like I had done all that I could. She broke up with him and came back to cry on my shoulder and I gave it to her.

All you can do is be there for her right now.

restricter · Feb 17th, 2008, 09:39 AM

Congratulations. You have an emotional leech on your hands. You'd like her to get out of her situation, but the sad truth is that she won't. She doesn't want your advice. She wants an audience. There is nothing you can do. I've been through this before. Several times.

My advice: DON'T LET HER PROBLEMS BECOME YOUR PROBLEMS.

It's harsh, I know, but in the months you've known her -- has she ever listened to your advice? Has she ever taken a single step to improve her situation?

I didn't think so.

You don't have to be there for her either. You're not her mother. It sounds like your her emotional dumping ground.

When you've had enough, it's okay to tell her you can't talk with her about this anymore.

jenny70 · Feb 17th, 2008, 11:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by restricter

Congratulations. You have an emotional leech on your hands. You'd like her to get out of her situation, but the sad truth is that she won't. She doesn't want your advice. She wants an audience. There is nothing you can do. I've been through this before. Several times.

My advice: DON'T LET HER PROBLEMS BECOME YOUR PROBLEMS.

It's harsh, I know, but in the months you've known her -- has she ever listened to your advice? Has she ever taken a single step to improve her situation?

I didn't think so.

You don't have to be there for her either. You're not her mother. It sounds like your her emotional dumping ground.

When you've had enough, it's okay to tell her you can't talk with her about this anymore.

Wow! This is exactly what I wanted to say! Perhaps not as blunt (which would be unusual for me!)

Anyway, it sounds like you have basically told her of your concerns for her already. It doesn't sound she is all that interested. She will have to come to the conclusion all on her own that this guy is a loser and the only thing to do is to get rid of him. Until she realizes this there is nothing you can do to help her. It's very nice that you care and want to help but I don't think she is ready to take that step yet.

melissa_talent · Feb 17th, 2008, 02:05 PM

it's weird how people can get sucked into relationships -- good and bad ones.

i think the most important thing you can do it let her know that you're there for her. it sounds like you've already done a good job in letting her know that you're willing to help her out.

Zophie · Feb 17th, 2008, 02:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by melissa_talent

it's weird how people can get sucked into relationships -- good and bad ones.

i think the most important thing you can do it let her know that you're there for her. it sounds like you've already done a good job in letting her know that you're willing to help her out.

I agree.

Pursegrrl · Feb 17th, 2008, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RowanOak

Pursegrrl, There are a lot of questions I want to ask, but I understand with the situation you've found yourself in, you probably would not want to answer (understandably).

Can you say the extent of her feelings for him? IE - Is she in love w/ him, but knows his faults? Or does she not love him and is just scared for her own safety, at this point? This is important to know before suggesting anything for you to do.

If you can't answer that, we'll understand that there are just some things you cannot say at this time.

She's never said she loves him and never uses that as a tag line (meaning she does nOT say "I know he threatens to hurt me/my pets if I don't do xyz but I love him so much...")

She's told me repeatedly that she fears he will commit suicide if she breaks things off with him. It's just a round & round never ending cycle...he hates her pets, but then claims if she moved in with him he would make sure they had a safe place in the home/yard (she doesn't believe that)...he continually makes bigoted comments about people when they are in public...

Pursegrrl · Feb 17th, 2008, 02:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by restricter

Congratulations. You have an emotional leech on your hands. You'd like her to get out of her situation, but the sad truth is that she won't. She doesn't want your advice. She wants an audience. There is nothing you can do. I've been through this before. Several times.

My advice: DON'T LET HER PROBLEMS BECOME YOUR PROBLEMS.

It's harsh, I know, but in the months you've known her -- has she ever listened to your advice? Has she ever taken a single step to improve her situation?

I didn't think so.

You don't have to be there for her either. You're not her mother. It sounds like your her emotional dumping ground.

When you've had enough, it's okay to tell her you can't talk with her about this anymore.

...thanks, r! Hope this doesn't sound too twisted, but I about laughed out loud the first time I read this post! Great perspective...and this is why I enjoy hearing all the opinions out there...very helpful b/c none of you are biased about this situation.

The kicker was when she told me he has threatened or implied that he would commit suicide if she breaks things off with him. This guy needs serious help.

But, you're right....there's nothing I can do here. She knows how I feel about the whole situation and that it's been going on for MONTHS with no break in the twisted cycle. She doesn't seek me out to talk about this during the day and doesn't call me after work hours/weekends so we are not that close of friends. If all that was going on I would tell her to back off.

risingsun · Feb 17th, 2008, 04:41 PM

Guys who are abusive often use the threat of suicide, as emotional blackmail, to keep their partners with them. If he does tell her he's planning to commit suicide, I recommend she contact the police or the rescue squad to pick him up. If he has made an attempt, he'll receive professional help. If he hasn't, maybe he'll think twice before using suicide as a threat again. If he gets angry, she needs to b.s. him with her "concern" for his safety. The more often she plays into his manipulations, the worse it will get. All you can do is offer her information, you can't "make" her act upon it. It's difficult to be a friend in this type of situation. She needs a friend. You have to decide if you can be that person. She could benefit from some counseling, IMO.

kcf68 · Feb 17th, 2008, 05:32 PM

I totally agree with restrictor: She is an emotional leach!!! Let it go! She will only bring you down!! Had a friend like that and all she wanted was drama in her life. It went on and on and finally I escaped!

SPOILEDkiwi · Feb 19th, 2008, 12:20 AM

You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. Also, there's only so much you can worry about her before it starts to affect you negatively. I agree with RESTICTER 100%. Unfortunately there's no nice way to say take my advice or shut up. I think if I was in your position I would tell her the next time she complains that it worries you when she talks about her relationship. Try to explain it in a really nice way that your constant worrying about her is beginning to affect you and you'd like her to talk to a therapist about it from now on. Maybe print a list of references she could contact too.

gacats · Feb 19th, 2008, 10:52 AM

I think you're going to have to distance yourself too.
You're caught up in this & feeling like you need to save her.
Believe me, the guy is too egotistical to commit suicide, those guys just use that threat to manipulate.

Feb 17th, 2008, 02:21 AM	#1
Pursegrrl Oh! That Joe! Location: Seattle	A question of boundaries: concern for co-worker's physical safety OK, here goes: Most of you know I started a new job just after Labor Day. I'm now a few months into it to be out of the honeymoon phase and now into the nitty gritty/frustration phase. A woman in my org started the same day I did, so we went through orientation together and just had a special bond through that. We are peers in the reporting structure, but are enough removed in that we don't really work together on a day to day basis. If I have a new project rolling out I will debrief her and her team as an FYI but that's about it. She is a few years older than I, divorced and has a grown daughter about 1000 miles from here. No other immediate family here in the Seattle area. Over the course of time, she and I have chit chatted about day to day things. She knows about the trauma I went through last year with my breakup and job ending, for example. She has also shared info about her dating life and the ups and downs. OK: from what she has shared with me so far, I am concerned...concerned about her physical safety but unsure of my boundaries. The man she is currently dating is angry, bigoted, controlling and manipulative for starters. They met online and when she discovered he had lied about fundamental things in his profile and she called him on it (e.g. being a smoker vs saying he is not), he schmoozed her into this state to where she thought it was ok after all . they do not live together...that's a good thing. when she talked about the latest drama with him (she keeps trying to break it off and it never seems to happen) I gently reminded her that this had been going on EVER SINCE I HAD KNOWN HER. And, for some time since then. I think she really took notice and thought wow, this is going on for months. But then again, in a sad and twisted way, nothing changes. the things she shares with me scares me enough to where I fear for her physical safety. I've suggested she get a new cell# and not tell him what it is, as well as confirm an escape/safe place plan in case she needs to leave in a hurry. Keep in mind she has a fair amount of animals/pets so it's not an easy thing to get up and leave. Any thoughts on this? I hesitate to share too much detail but again I want to hear your inputs on this so far.... __________________ Last edited by Pursegrrl; Feb 17th, 2008 at 02:25 AM.

Feb 17th, 2008, 02:27 AM	#2
dallas Ya anno	Re: A question of boundaries: concern for co-worker's physical safety Is she concerned for her own safety? I guess all you can really do is let her know that if she needs someone to talk to, you're there for her. Sorry, not very inspiring advice I know. __________________ A good deed is never lost: he who sows courtesy reaps friendship; and he who plants kindness gathers love. Last edited by dallas; Feb 17th, 2008 at 02:35 AM.

Feb 17th, 2008, 04:51 AM	#3
RowanOak Member Location: Deep South	Re: A question of boundaries: concern for co-worker's physical safety Pursegrrl, There are a lot of questions I want to ask, but I understand with the situation you've found yourself in, you probably would not want to answer (understandably). Can you say the extent of her feelings for him? IE - Is she in love w/ him, but knows his faults? Or does she not love him and is just scared for her own safety, at this point? This is important to know before suggesting anything for you to do. If you can't answer that, we'll understand that there are just some things you cannot say at this time.

Feb 17th, 2008, 08:42 AM	#4
merika Just me Location: In front of a computer	Re: A question of boundaries: concern for co-worker's physical safety I don't know...how much is the guy affecting her life? Does she seriously have to fear for her safety? Is she dramatizing the situation to get your attention somehow? It's kind of hard for me to say at this moment - I'm trusting that something is bugging you seriously about the guy. See, you might be extremely concerned for her, but if you do try to do something about it, she'll probably end up being mad at you, and you'll be the 'bad person who interfered'. This happens a LOT of the time. Tread carefully. __________________ I will also gladly authenticate your chocolates for you.

Feb 17th, 2008, 08:47 AM	#5
helium Member	Re: A question of boundaries: concern for co-worker's physical safety As an outsider in their relationship, you can do nothing except being there for her. Unless he physically abuses her, you can't report them or anything. Telling anyone else about them is only going to get 'aww that's horrible' comments, no one can physically break them apart except those two. I wouldn't do anything about it, but I would lay the facts out for her. That is what I did for my friend who was in a horrible relationship. She hated me for it, accused me of being jealous of him (ha!), of not understanding how great he is, blah blah blah. But I felt like I had done all that I could. She broke up with him and came back to cry on my shoulder and I gave it to her. All you can do is be there for her right now.

Feb 17th, 2008, 09:39 AM	#6
restricter Meowy Chrisssmasss	Re: A question of boundaries: concern for co-worker's physical safety Congratulations. You have an emotional leech on your hands. You'd like her to get out of her situation, but the sad truth is that she won't. She doesn't want your advice. She wants an audience. There is nothing you can do. I've been through this before. Several times. My advice: DON'T LET HER PROBLEMS BECOME YOUR PROBLEMS. It's harsh, I know, but in the months you've known her -- has she ever listened to your advice? Has she ever taken a single step to improve her situation? I didn't think so. You don't have to be there for her either. You're not her mother. It sounds like your her emotional dumping ground. When you've had enough, it's okay to tell her you can't talk with her about this anymore. __________________ And in case that's not completely clear... Last edited by restricter; Feb 17th, 2008 at 09:40 AM. Reason: typos

Feb 17th, 2008, 02:05 PM	#8
melissa_talent blair waldorf FTW. Location: mtl.	Re: A question of boundaries: concern for co-worker's physical safety it's weird how people can get sucked into relationships -- good and bad ones. i think the most important thing you can do it let her know that you're there for her. it sounds like you've already done a good job in letting her know that you're willing to help her out.

Feb 17th, 2008, 04:41 PM	#12
risingsun Member Location: Virginia	Re: A question of boundaries: concern for co-worker's physical safety Guys who are abusive often use the threat of suicide, as emotional blackmail, to keep their partners with them. If he does tell her he's planning to commit suicide, I recommend she contact the police or the rescue squad to pick him up. If he has made an attempt, he'll receive professional help. If he hasn't, maybe he'll think twice before using suicide as a threat again. If he gets angry, she needs to b.s. him with her "concern" for his safety. The more often she plays into his manipulations, the worse it will get. All you can do is offer her information, you can't "make" her act upon it. It's difficult to be a friend in this type of situation. She needs a friend. You have to decide if you can be that person. She could benefit from some counseling, IMO.

Feb 17th, 2008, 05:32 PM	#13
kcf68 Handbag Addict Location: Finally on the West Coast!!!	Re: A question of boundaries: concern for co-worker's physical safety I totally agree with restrictor: She is an emotional leach!!! Let it go! She will only bring you down!! Had a friend like that and all she wanted was drama in her life. It went on and on and finally I escaped!

Feb 19th, 2008, 12:20 AM	#14
SPOILEDkiwi not a kiwi! Location: NYC/Long Island	Re: A question of boundaries: concern for co-worker's physical safety You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. Also, there's only so much you can worry about her before it starts to affect you negatively. I agree with RESTICTER 100%. Unfortunately there's no nice way to say take my advice or shut up. I think if I was in your position I would tell her the next time she complains that it worries you when she talks about her relationship. Try to explain it in a really nice way that your constant worrying about her is beginning to affect you and you'd like her to talk to a therapist about it from now on. Maybe print a list of references she could contact too. __________________ “It is the unseen, unforgettable, ultimate accessory of fashion that heralds your arrival and prolongs your departure.” --Coco Chanel

Feb 19th, 2008, 10:52 AM	#15
gacats love me some bags! Location: Georgia	Re: A question of boundaries: concern for co-worker's physical safety I think you're going to have to distance yourself too. You're caught up in this & feeling like you need to save her. Believe me, the guy is too egotistical to commit suicide, those guys just use that threat to manipulate. __________________ GaCats Proud Navy Mom My 2009 wish list: Chanel Ultimate Soft medium handbag in black Louis Vuitton Panda pochette ( in the works) Something Goyard- yeah, that'll happen.....