6 years is hard to let go of....ADVICE PLEASE!

AnimalCrackers · Jul 2nd, 2008, 07:26 PM

I don't even know where to start....

I've been putting off posting this for so long, because I just don't even know what to write. Some of you already know that my relationship with my fiancee has been rocky for the past year. We've been together for almost 6 years now, and obviously people change over that much time. I've changed, he's changed...it's to be expected. The main point I'm trying to get to is: I know it's over, but I don't know how to tell him.

I think he's been aware of how unhappy I have been lately, but it's as if he ignores the situation. He acts as though nothing is wrong. We disagree on where we want to end up in the future, kids, marriage, etc. I feel as though I am wasting my time. I also feel as though I am being taken advantage of: I work much more than him, and though he has promised to work more now that I am starting school again...I just don't know that I can trust that. We will both be moving back to our hometown next month, so I feel pressed for time. I think I want to tell him I will be getting my own place, but I don't know how to approach the situation since he is acting as though nothing is wrong. I've already discussed the situation with his mom, my mom, my best friend...I know I have everyone's support. How can he be so oblivious??

The hardest thing to deal with is his lack of life-skill. I feel like I know more than him (budgeting, paying bills, etc.), make more $ than him, have more family-support than him. He is also quite unhealthy due to various reasons. Part of me feels bad because I have been covering his medical bills for some time now. I know if I leave he will be drowning in debt (or he just won't go to the doctor). This is of course a learning experience for him; something he needs to man up to...but I still feel so guilty. For the past few months, I feel as though pity is the only thing keeping me here. Philosophically, I have learned so much from him...I don't just want to disregard that, but I'm a bright girl...I'm sure I can figure things out for myself from now on.

Please, I need some advice on how to break it to him that I want to leave. I know I am ready, scared, but ready.

(I've been staring at this post for a 1/2 hr. I'm just going to hit "submit" and hope I don't regret it!)

windycityaj · Jul 2nd, 2008, 07:34 PM

Oh honey, I wish I had some advice for you.....that must be a terrible feeling!! You know you're going to have to do what is right for your emotional well being. You have to do this ASAP. Can you schedule some time to talk?

Anne

flungflung83 · Jul 2nd, 2008, 07:35 PM

I'm sorry to hear about this situation. I feel for you. But you said you're ready. You seem more than 100% sure this is what you want. I support you! Do what you need to do for your own sake. As hard as it may be for you to leave him after 6 years, it's what you need to do for YOU. You already have everyone's support, now it's your turn. Everyday that goes by is a day you're lying to him and yourself. Good luck.

dusty paws · Jul 2nd, 2008, 08:14 PM

Hugs to you - I think that a talk is in order between the two of you. Sit him down on the sofa (with tissues near) and just tell him how you feel. Give yourself a chance to get everything out, and then give him a turn. I wish you all the best.

imashopaholic · Jul 2nd, 2008, 08:15 PM

Sounds like you've thought this through for a while and know what you want to do. Communication is the key in any relationship so sit your fiance down and discuss this with him, then go from there. Good luck hun.

illinirdhd · Jul 2nd, 2008, 08:35 PM

Maybe the best thing is to just sit him down for a talk. Tell him you're not happy, and that you can't continue with the engagement or the relationship. That you're very sorry, wish him nothing but the best, etc etc etc., and mean it. Tell him that you think the move will be the best time for the two of you to go your separate ways, find your own places to live, etc., and that you hope the breakup can be done as amicably as possible.

Of course, you'll feel sad and guilty and all of that, but I suspect you'll also feel a huge weight lift from your shoulders. Live your life for you and let him live his. Let him worry about how he will pay his rent, medical bills, etc. - he can go to his family for help if he needs to, but his financial woes are really not your problem or obligation.

You're right, 6 years is hard to let go of. But 7 will be even harder.

AnimalCrackers · Jul 2nd, 2008, 09:13 PM

Thank you for the replies thus far.

I should probably add that we have been living together for 4 of those 6 years.

lovinalotofbags · Jul 2nd, 2008, 09:17 PM

I agree, sit down and have a heart to heart talk about your relationship and that it would be best to live apart. I take it he is still working with his "poor health." It will be up to you whether you will continue to help him with his health issues and be there for him in a limited capacity.

AnimalCrackers · Jul 2nd, 2008, 09:37 PM

^No, he is not. That's part of the problem. He stays at home and is studying computers. I don't believe he feels bad enough to not work...he says he does.

There are so many issues that keep running through my head! He does not drive, and we live an hour from home...should I break up with him here at our apt? Cause then I would have to drive with him in the car for an hour! Also, I am very upset at the situation with our pets. The dog was his first, so I know he will fight for her...and the cat goes crazy without her canine companion so I would lose them both. Ohhh I am thinking too much now. :(

maddog · Jul 2nd, 2008, 09:37 PM

You'd got to talk to him and make everything clear. I don't think you need advice, you already know what you need to do. It's just difficult but remember it's the best for both of you in the long run to end this now rather than later. Stalling only increase the hurt.

ETA: just saw your latest post. He has stuff in the apt right? I think it's only fair to break up with him privately at home (i.e. at your apt). I assume you wouldn't secretly pack all his things in the trunk, go to "visit" his parents, break up with him there, and throw his stuff out right? The animal situation is tough, but you can't let that be a deciding factor. I've seen friends who go to their exes place to visit and take care of the furbabies even though they weren't friendly with the exes cuz they love the animals so much.

Cristina · Jul 2nd, 2008, 09:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirdhd

Maybe the best thing is to just sit him down for a talk. Tell him you're not happy, and that you can't continue with the engagement or the relationship. That you're very sorry, wish him nothing but the best, etc etc etc., and mean it. Tell him that you think the move will be the best time for the two of you to go your separate ways, find your own places to live, etc., and that you hope the breakup can be done as amicably as possible.

Of course, you'll feel sad and guilty and all of that, but I suspect you'll also feel a huge weight lift from your shoulders. Live your life for you and let him live his. Let him worry about how he will pay his rent, medical bills, etc. - he can go to his family for help if he needs to, but his financial woes are really not your problem or obligation.

You're right, 6 years is hard to let go of. But 7 will be even harder.

Very well said, especially about living life for you. You've only got one!

AnimalCrackers, I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through a breakup of a six year relationship earlier this year. It wasn't easy, but I think both involved are in better places because of it. Please PM me if you'd like to talk, vent or just need someone to listen

boxermom · Jul 2nd, 2008, 11:16 PM

you've received good advice. You've said you know what you need to do, but it will be very hard. Stay strong and follow through. You can't be responsible for your partner. You deserve much better than this.

Best wishes!

Irishgal · Jul 2nd, 2008, 11:32 PM

I can tell you that often, doing the right thing does not feel good at all. We think it will, but usually things like this are horribly painful, even if it is the right thing to do, which, by your description it sounds very clear to me that this is not the person you should marry. That said, there is no perfect or correct way to give someone this type of news. Just pick your time, make it a short and clear as possible, and if you have decided to move on please make sure you don't say to him "well, maybe we can be friends and date again later". So, stop looking for the "right" way to do it.
And don't be surprised if he gets angry and accuses you of leaving him when he is ill, depressed, unable to pay bills, etc. It will hurt you, but rest assured, nothing will hurt you as much as marrying this man and realizing that you should not have.
Good luck.

AnimalCrackers · Jul 2nd, 2008, 11:51 PM

Thank you maddog, Christina, Boxermom, and Irishgal!!

It's true that I do know what I need to do, an am also ready for it. I'm just not sure of the right timing, how to approach it. I'll be gone all day tomorrow, so I don't want to dump it on him and then leave. Maybe Friday or this weekend sometime. I've never had to do this before!

I decided I needed to do this when I was trying to give advice to a fellow tPF'er. I realized just how much I needed to take my own advice. So I'm trying to be two people here--myself and a rational observer. I would not stand for a friend to waste so much time when they have realized they are so unhappy!

Ohh I'm so glad to have tPF! I am not yet close to any family and friends, so venting to them can only happen every so often.

Irishgal · Jul 2nd, 2008, 11:53 PM

There is no "right" timing. Just do it. We will be here to catch you.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 07:26 PM	#1
AnimalCrackers Pumpkin Carver Location: In Busyvilllllle.	6 years is hard to let go of....ADVICE PLEASE! I don't even know where to start.... I've been putting off posting this for so long, because I just don't even know what to write. Some of you already know that my relationship with my fiancee has been rocky for the past year. We've been together for almost 6 years now, and obviously people change over that much time. I've changed, he's changed...it's to be expected. The main point I'm trying to get to is: I know it's over, but I don't know how to tell him. I think he's been aware of how unhappy I have been lately, but it's as if he ignores the situation. He acts as though nothing is wrong. We disagree on where we want to end up in the future, kids, marriage, etc. I feel as though I am wasting my time. I also feel as though I am being taken advantage of: I work much more than him, and though he has promised to work more now that I am starting school again...I just don't know that I can trust that. We will both be moving back to our hometown next month, so I feel pressed for time. I think I want to tell him I will be getting my own place, but I don't know how to approach the situation since he is acting as though nothing is wrong. I've already discussed the situation with his mom, my mom, my best friend...I know I have everyone's support. How can he be so oblivious?? The hardest thing to deal with is his lack of life-skill. I feel like I know more than him (budgeting, paying bills, etc.), make more $ than him, have more family-support than him. He is also quite unhealthy due to various reasons. Part of me feels bad because I have been covering his medical bills for some time now. I know if I leave he will be drowning in debt (or he just won't go to the doctor). This is of course a learning experience for him; something he needs to man up to...but I still feel so guilty. For the past few months, I feel as though pity is the only thing keeping me here. Philosophically, I have learned so much from him...I don't just want to disregard that, but I'm a bright girl...I'm sure I can figure things out for myself from now on. Please, I need some advice on how to break it to him that I want to leave. I know I am ready, scared, but ready. (I've been staring at this post for a 1/2 hr. I'm just going to hit "submit" and hope I don't regret it!)

Jul 2nd, 2008, 07:34 PM	#2
windycityaj Member Location: Chicago, IL	Oh honey, I wish I had some advice for you.....that must be a terrible feeling!! You know you're going to have to do what is right for your emotional well being. You have to do this ASAP. Can you schedule some time to talk? Anne __________________ Purse ban is officially over!!! My wishlist..... Black Blondie flap......It's here!!!! 4/8/2008 Chanel Cambon Tote w/accessories YSL black Mombasa (snagged a Vincennes bag)...it's here!! 6/16/08 Black Coach "Mandy" So many bags...so little time (and money)!!!

Jul 2nd, 2008, 08:14 PM	#4
dusty paws Vuitton on the brain Location: RAOKville!	Hugs to you - I think that a talk is in order between the two of you. Sit him down on the sofa (with tissues near) and just tell him how you feel. Give yourself a chance to get everything out, and then give him a turn. I wish you all the best. __________________ laura's teeny wishlist: [] mono french purse [] trevi pm [] seleya pm [] mono cles Laura and my babies: http://www.dustypaws.com My blog: http://makeupandpearls.blogspot.com/

Jul 2nd, 2008, 08:35 PM	#6
illinirdhd Sofa King Hooked Location: Las Vegas, NV	Maybe the best thing is to just sit him down for a talk. Tell him you're not happy, and that you can't continue with the engagement or the relationship. That you're very sorry, wish him nothing but the best, etc etc etc., and mean it. Tell him that you think the move will be the best time for the two of you to go your separate ways, find your own places to live, etc., and that you hope the breakup can be done as amicably as possible. Of course, you'll feel sad and guilty and all of that, but I suspect you'll also feel a huge weight lift from your shoulders. Live your life for you and let him live his. Let him worry about how he will pay his rent, medical bills, etc. - he can go to his family for help if he needs to, but his financial woes are really not your problem or obligation. You're right, 6 years is hard to let go of. But 7 will be even harder. __________________

Jul 2nd, 2008, 09:17 PM	#8
lovinalotofbags In for the long haul Location: South Carolina	I agree, sit down and have a heart to heart talk about your relationship and that it would be best to live apart. I take it he is still working with his "poor health." It will be up to you whether you will continue to help him with his health issues and be there for him in a limited capacity. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 07:35 PM	#3
flungflung83 Member	I'm sorry to hear about this situation. I feel for you. But you said you're ready. You seem more than 100% sure this is what you want. I support you! Do what you need to do for your own sake. As hard as it may be for you to leave him after 6 years, it's what you need to do for YOU. You already have everyone's support, now it's your turn. Everyday that goes by is a day you're lying to him and yourself. Good luck.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 08:15 PM	#5
imashopaholic christmas in 3 weeks Location: Australia	Sounds like you've thought this through for a while and know what you want to do. Communication is the key in any relationship so sit your fiance down and discuss this with him, then go from there. Good luck hun.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 09:13 PM	#7
AnimalCrackers Pumpkin Carver Location: In Busyvilllllle.	Thank you for the replies thus far. I should probably add that we have been living together for 4 of those 6 years.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 09:37 PM	#9
AnimalCrackers Pumpkin Carver Location: In Busyvilllllle.	^No, he is not. That's part of the problem. He stays at home and is studying computers. I don't believe he feels bad enough to not work...he says he does. There are so many issues that keep running through my head! He does not drive, and we live an hour from home...should I break up with him here at our apt? Cause then I would have to drive with him in the car for an hour! Also, I am very upset at the situation with our pets. The dog was his first, so I know he will fight for her...and the cat goes crazy without her canine companion so I would lose them both. Ohhh I am thinking too much now. :(

Jul 2nd, 2008, 09:37 PM	#10
maddog Mmmkay	You'd got to talk to him and make everything clear. I don't think you need advice, you already know what you need to do. It's just difficult but remember it's the best for both of you in the long run to end this now rather than later. Stalling only increase the hurt. ETA: just saw your latest post. He has stuff in the apt right? I think it's only fair to break up with him privately at home (i.e. at your apt). I assume you wouldn't secretly pack all his things in the trunk, go to "visit" his parents, break up with him there, and throw his stuff out right? The animal situation is tough, but you can't let that be a deciding factor. I've seen friends who go to their exes place to visit and take care of the furbabies even though they weren't friendly with the exes cuz they love the animals so much. Last edited by maddog; Jul 2nd, 2008 at 09:44 PM.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 11:16 PM	#12
boxermom Member Location: North Carolina	you've received good advice. You've said you know what you need to do, but it will be very hard. Stay strong and follow through. You can't be responsible for your partner. You deserve much better than this. Best wishes!

Jul 2nd, 2008, 11:32 PM	#13
Irishgal I run with scissors Location: In a Bell Jet Ranger	I can tell you that often, doing the right thing does not feel good at all. We think it will, but usually things like this are horribly painful, even if it is the right thing to do, which, by your description it sounds very clear to me that this is not the person you should marry. That said, there is no perfect or correct way to give someone this type of news. Just pick your time, make it a short and clear as possible, and if you have decided to move on please make sure you don't say to him "well, maybe we can be friends and date again later". So, stop looking for the "right" way to do it. And don't be surprised if he gets angry and accuses you of leaving him when he is ill, depressed, unable to pay bills, etc. It will hurt you, but rest assured, nothing will hurt you as much as marrying this man and realizing that you should not have. Good luck. __________________ Ten thousand blessings to all of our furry friends who are in need of prayers. May they be comfortable, healthy, and blessed with joy and companionship. May their eyes shine brightly and may they know that they are loved.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 11:51 PM	#14
AnimalCrackers Pumpkin Carver Location: In Busyvilllllle.	Thank you maddog, Christina, Boxermom, and Irishgal!! It's true that I do know what I need to do, an am also ready for it. I'm just not sure of the right timing, how to approach it. I'll be gone all day tomorrow, so I don't want to dump it on him and then leave. Maybe Friday or this weekend sometime. I've never had to do this before! I decided I needed to do this when I was trying to give advice to a fellow tPF'er. I realized just how much I needed to take my own advice. So I'm trying to be two people here--myself and a rational observer. I would not stand for a friend to waste so much time when they have realized they are so unhappy! Ohh I'm so glad to have tPF! I am not yet close to any family and friends, so venting to them can only happen every so often.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 11:53 PM	#15
Irishgal I run with scissors Location: In a Bell Jet Ranger	There is no "right" timing. Just do it. We will be here to catch you. __________________ Ten thousand blessings to all of our furry friends who are in need of prayers. May they be comfortable, healthy, and blessed with joy and companionship. May their eyes shine brightly and may they know that they are loved.