30th Bday rant/vent.

Rocky · Jun 15th, 2008, 01:17 PM

I turned 30 this past Friday, and my feelings are a little hurt. My DF didn't give me a gift, he just took me out for dinner. I know that you may be thinking that I'm ungrateful, but this has really confused me. He's always been the person that loves to buy people gifts. He never gives cash or gift cards, because he says that, to him, it's not putting enough thought or effort into it.

He just turned 30 in December, and I bought him something, cooked his favorite meal with his mom, and I took him to Vegas. He didn't pay for a thing, and now for my 30th, I get dinner. I've never felt like this, and I feel so hurt. I haven't brought anything up to him because I don't want to sound like a major ungrateful bit*h.

Thanks for letting me vent. I just had to.

QueenOfDa702 · Jun 15th, 2008, 01:20 PM

Hmmm. I dont really have anything to say because I usually tell my SO all I want is dinner! I think a beautiful dinner is the best present.

Rocky · Jun 15th, 2008, 01:24 PM

Here's the thing. We usually do dinner with friends and family, but this time he decided that he wanted to do "date night." I think it had something to do with our pre-marriage counselor saying that every couple needs a date night. I'm just so hurt because he's never done this before.

fr2nc1z · Jun 15th, 2008, 01:49 PM

Maybe you should approach him and talk to him? Let him know that your feelings were hurt and why. That way, it won't happen again in the future.

maddog · Jun 15th, 2008, 01:54 PM

Yeh if it bothers you that much, you may want to talk to him, nib it in the bud before your 31st bday and get another date night only.

But try to be understanding. Does he think maybe things are different now that you're engaged? Is he stressed about other things that's causing him to slack off a bit?

Rocky · Jun 15th, 2008, 02:30 PM

It kind of came up that day when we got home. His cousin called to wish me a happy birthday, and asked what he did for me. I told her that he took me to a great dinner, and then she asked what he got me and I told her dinner and she yelled, "What? That's so not like him."

She was on speakerphone, so he heard it all. Then he said that he didn't know what to get. That was it.

Rocky · Jun 15th, 2008, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maddog

Yeh if it bothers you that much, you may want to talk to him, nib it in the bud before your 31st bday and get another date night only.

But try to be understanding. Does he think maybe things are different now that you're engaged? Is he stressed about other things that's causing him to slack off a bit?

He's not stressed about anything that I know of. I do know that he had planned a big dinner and then called it off. He told everyone we needed a "date night."

biggestbaglover · Jun 15th, 2008, 02:47 PM

I think that you need to talk with him and explain that you were disappointed. I was extremely upset with my DH 3 years ago as I had just had my son one month before Mothers' Day. The day came and went without even a card. I felt so hurt and sad that he had not acknowledged my first Mothers' Day that I actually sat in our bedroom alone, sobbing. He was completely and utterly shocked at how hurt I was and we had a long talk about it. He has NEVER forgotten Mothers' Day ever again and always has my son make a card for me filled with pictures. My point is that sometimes, men do not see the big deal in these things. It may not be something important or significant to him (ie--he may not have cared whether or not you gave him a big celebration for his 30th birthday or not) so he may have thought that a nice dinner out alone would be enough. I would talk with him and express your disappointment and see how he reacts.

galligator · Jun 15th, 2008, 04:00 PM

^^^OMG, this was me & my 1st mothers day, EXACLTLY. Same advice to OP. It probably didn't occur to him that a nice dinner might somehow disappoint you. Most men are pretty straightforward about these things and are not intentionally trying to cause you distress.

Speaking from my experience, sometimes we women fall into the habit of obscure hints or the 'what am I thinking' mode. Men don't get that - they need us to tell them in clear words because they tend to be direct solution-oriented thinkers. They like 'solid' concise communication, otherwise, they don't know if they're supposed to be a 'listener' or a 'solver'.

Which reminds me, if you ever get an opportunity to see 'Defending the Caveman', it offers a great perspective on male communication.

emmalawyer · Jun 15th, 2008, 04:19 PM

What did he give you last year for your 29th?

You mentioned that usually there is a dinner with friends and family, but that this time he took the therapist's advice and planned a dinner for just the 2 of you. If you always just got dinner, but this time it was a couple's night out, he may very well be seeing this as "an upgrade".

IntlSet · Jun 15th, 2008, 07:17 PM

Just to look on the sunny side... do you think that maybe your DH feels you can buy your own gifts? This is assuming you share a joint account... my father never bought my mother gifts. He's not especially romantic for one, and secondly, whenever my mother wants something she never waits for anyone to buy it for her -- she just goes and gets it, which leaves little options for us gift-givers!

Just a thought. I do agree it's odd that this the first year he hasn't bothered getting you a gift...

Rocky · Jun 15th, 2008, 07:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by emmalawyer

What did he give you last year for your 29th?

You mentioned that usually there is a dinner with friends and family, but that this time he took the therapist's advice and planned a dinner for just the 2 of you. If you always just got dinner, but this time it was a couple's night out, he may very well be seeing this as "an upgrade".

Last year he gave me my LV Neverfull and we had a great dinner at home w/friends and family. The year before that he gave me my MP3 player and dinner. He's always given me awesome birthday gifts because I tell him not to give me Christmas gifts.

Rocky · Jun 15th, 2008, 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IntlSet

Just to look on the sunny side... do you think that maybe your DH feels you can buy your own gifts? This is assuming you share a joint account... my father never bought my mother gifts. He's not especially romantic for one, and secondly, whenever my mother wants something she never waits for anyone to buy it for her -- she just goes and gets it, which leaves little options for us gift-givers!

Just a thought. I do agree it's odd that this the first year he hasn't bothered getting you a gift...

I have no idea. I talked w/my best friend about it and she was shocked as well. I didn't even get a card from him. I would have been totally happy with a card, seriously. And I totally agree with the lady when she told us that we should have a date night once a month now, before we start a family. I just didn't think he would kill two birds w/one stone. KWIM? It's not like I would make him pay. Everything is 50/50 in our relationship.

illinirdhd · Jun 15th, 2008, 07:54 PM

I don't know what to say, other than that I'd be hurt too. I usually end up picking out my gifts myself, and then hubby buys them and makes me wait til my birthday to open. It just works better that way for us.

Rocky · Jun 15th, 2008, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirdhd

I don't know what to say, other than that I'd be hurt too. I usually end up picking out my gifts myself, and then hubby buys them and makes me wait til my birthday to open. It just works better that way for us.

We do that too. I guess I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him that my feelings are hurt.

Jun 15th, 2008, 01:17 PM	#1
Rocky Newlywed! Location: San Francisco, CA	30th Bday rant/vent. I turned 30 this past Friday, and my feelings are a little hurt. My DF didn't give me a gift, he just took me out for dinner. I know that you may be thinking that I'm ungrateful, but this has really confused me. He's always been the person that loves to buy people gifts. He never gives cash or gift cards, because he says that, to him, it's not putting enough thought or effort into it. He just turned 30 in December, and I bought him something, cooked his favorite meal with his mom, and I took him to Vegas. He didn't pay for a thing, and now for my 30th, I get dinner. I've never felt like this, and I feel so hurt. I haven't brought anything up to him because I don't want to sound like a major ungrateful bit*h. Thanks for letting me vent. I just had to.

Jun 15th, 2008, 01:20 PM	#2
QueenOfDa702 Misunderestimated. Location: I've gone RAOKing crazy!	Hmmm. I dont really have anything to say because I usually tell my SO all I want is dinner! I think a beautiful dinner is the best present. __________________ ~Valeen~ Happy Holidays to all my tPF friends! Click HERE to visit MySpace Please help get justice for Karley! http://forum.purseblog.com/animalici...ey-385571.html

Jun 15th, 2008, 01:49 PM	#4
fr2nc1z Member	Maybe you should approach him and talk to him? Let him know that your feelings were hurt and why. That way, it won't happen again in the future. __________________

Jun 15th, 2008, 04:19 PM	#10
emmalawyer BLITHERING FOOL Location: with the teething twins!	What did he give you last year for your 29th? You mentioned that usually there is a dinner with friends and family, but that this time he took the therapist's advice and planned a dinner for just the 2 of you. If you always just got dinner, but this time it was a couple's night out, he may very well be seeing this as "an upgrade". __________________ signature too large “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” --Dr. Seuss ( lil Bitsy's favorite bedtime reading)

Jun 15th, 2008, 07:17 PM	#11
IntlSet Bonjour! Location: Chicago	Just to look on the sunny side... do you think that maybe your DH feels you can buy your own gifts? This is assuming you share a joint account... my father never bought my mother gifts. He's not especially romantic for one, and secondly, whenever my mother wants something she never waits for anyone to buy it for her -- she just goes and gets it, which leaves little options for us gift-givers! Just a thought. I do agree it's odd that this the first year he hasn't bothered getting you a gift... __________________ www.drinkmorechampagne.com

Jun 15th, 2008, 01:24 PM	#3
Rocky Newlywed! Location: San Francisco, CA	Here's the thing. We usually do dinner with friends and family, but this time he decided that he wanted to do "date night." I think it had something to do with our pre-marriage counselor saying that every couple needs a date night. I'm just so hurt because he's never done this before.

Jun 15th, 2008, 01:54 PM	#5
maddog Mmmkay	Yeh if it bothers you that much, you may want to talk to him, nib it in the bud before your 31st bday and get another date night only. But try to be understanding. Does he think maybe things are different now that you're engaged? Is he stressed about other things that's causing him to slack off a bit?

Jun 15th, 2008, 02:30 PM	#6
Rocky Newlywed! Location: San Francisco, CA	It kind of came up that day when we got home. His cousin called to wish me a happy birthday, and asked what he did for me. I told her that he took me to a great dinner, and then she asked what he got me and I told her dinner and she yelled, "What? That's so not like him." She was on speakerphone, so he heard it all. Then he said that he didn't know what to get. That was it.

Jun 15th, 2008, 02:47 PM	#8
biggestbaglover Member	I think that you need to talk with him and explain that you were disappointed. I was extremely upset with my DH 3 years ago as I had just had my son one month before Mothers' Day. The day came and went without even a card. I felt so hurt and sad that he had not acknowledged my first Mothers' Day that I actually sat in our bedroom alone, sobbing. He was completely and utterly shocked at how hurt I was and we had a long talk about it. He has NEVER forgotten Mothers' Day ever again and always has my son make a card for me filled with pictures. My point is that sometimes, men do not see the big deal in these things. It may not be something important or significant to him (ie--he may not have cared whether or not you gave him a big celebration for his 30th birthday or not) so he may have thought that a nice dinner out alone would be enough. I would talk with him and express your disappointment and see how he reacts.

Jun 15th, 2008, 04:00 PM	#9
galligator Mostly Harmless	^^^OMG, this was me & my 1st mothers day, EXACLTLY. Same advice to OP. It probably didn't occur to him that a nice dinner might somehow disappoint you. Most men are pretty straightforward about these things and are not intentionally trying to cause you distress. Speaking from my experience, sometimes we women fall into the habit of obscure hints or the 'what am I thinking' mode. Men don't get that - they need us to tell them in clear words because they tend to be direct solution-oriented thinkers. They like 'solid' concise communication, otherwise, they don't know if they're supposed to be a 'listener' or a 'solver'. Which reminds me, if you ever get an opportunity to see 'Defending the Caveman', it offers a great perspective on male communication.

Jun 15th, 2008, 07:54 PM	#14
illinirdhd Sofa King Hooked Location: Las Vegas, NV	I don't know what to say, other than that I'd be hurt too. I usually end up picking out my gifts myself, and then hubby buys them and makes me wait til my birthday to open. It just works better that way for us. __________________