2 Years! Shoulda put a ring on it? Need Advice!

[bebelastrange]

Hey tpfers i'm at my my 2 year point with my man. We have been living together & working as a close team for 2 years on top. We have had trails & tribulations... yet we always come out strong & better. He is crazy about me and its obvious to all that know us.
I love him so much and completely dropped me and focused on we. I'm in a whole new world with him & i love every minute. Right now we are in a transition for business and possibly going to move to a far off country as main res.
Did i mention i'm in my mid 20s and he is in late 40s? He had a nasty xmarriage and before that he was a reluctant father. I have never lived with a man other than my dad and no kids.

My worry is the lack of commitment as in proposal & down the road marriage. He has these issues from the past that are clogging his mind. I've brought up the whole proposal & engagement ring. I've let him know that i'm ready. He gives the notion he does not want to be pushed & that i must wait for the moment. He also adds we should wait until "___" is finished and settled down. I'm like hello!!! I can still in the meantime get an engagement ring ... something!!! I'm def the vulnerable one... as i do not make any money right now... I crave some sort of security especially right now in this economy.

PS- he was a jeweler & has 2 perfect engagement rings...sitting...once he let me wear one for fun... in the end it was like a cruel joke to my heart... its like he is teasing me...


last night i was all into Beyonce 2009 VMA

[Sternchen]

You need to realize that two years is (in my mind) a relatively short time to be together. Everyone progresses differently and two years does not automatically mean that he wants to marry you. You said he has been married and divorced. He may be scared of getting into this too quickly and just wants to take it slow. Really, what is a proposal if there is no true meaning behind it? Don't you want him to propose to you because he loves you and not because you expect some sort of "promise" (I never understood why people believe just because you get engaged you get married...)?

If you love this man and feel that you want to be with him then don't pressure him into doing anything. If things are good the way they are now then why ruin that with pressure, nagging, whining? Just go with the flow...

[bebelastrange]

Originally Posted by Sternchen

You need to realize that two years is (in my mind) a relatively short time to be together. Everyone progresses differently and two years does not automatically mean that he wants to marry you. You said he has been married and divorced. He may be scared of getting into this too quickly and just wants to take it slow. Really, what is a proposal if there is no true meaning behind it? Don't you want him to propose to you because he loves you and not because you expect some sort of "promise" (I never understood why people believe just because you get engaged you get married...)? If you love this man and feel that you want to be with him then don't pressure him into doing anything. If things are good the way they are now then why ruin that with pressure, nagging, whining? Just go with the flow...

thanks...i'm not pressuring to get married...i just want the sense of security that we are on the same page...i'm fully aware that marriage is not everything...but at times i feel like i'm punished for his past... I guess i feel like he does not trust me and it hurts...

[helpchow]

^ I would probably ask him how he feels about the relationship. Although there's no timeframe required before a proposal is necessary or required, 2 years is enough time for a man in his 40's to decide if you are the one, especially since you both live together and seem to function as one. I was with my DH for two months when he proposed. He started staying at my place and we were friends for about a year prior to dating. Good luck with everything. You are still very young and if he is adverse to marriage, I think it's better that you know now rather than later.

[dallas]

Quote:

I love him so much and completely dropped me and focused on we.

I know I'm probably not saying what you want to hear and maybe it won't even make sense, but the above quote is very telling and I think it's where your vulnerability lies. Never give up your "me" in the name of love. Love him by all means, but love yourself more and always keep a part of yourself for you.

[Immi]

Do you really want engagement sooner if it means nagging him into it? I wouldn't want something if I had to force it out of someone. Surely you'll get more joy out of it if you let him propose in his own time, and it sounds like he will!

Also, lots of people think 2 years is quite a short time together to be getting engaged. I'm not judging anything about your relationship I'm just saying it's quite normal to be together for longer than that before getting engaged, it doesn't mean it won't happen. To me it sounds like he is going to propose soon but you just need to wait a bit. :)

[juneping]

agree with dallas, you should never drop "me" when you are in a r/s. bc men usually don't appreciate that. i don't know why but that's how i see men. and men don't like to be pressured regardless how stupid they are.
another thing is about moving to another country? this i agree that he can't ask you to move with him without a commitment. you should not drop your life for him just bc he wants you to. if he needs/wants you to move with him to another country/state...he should propose to you. you should not move for him just like that.

[sphinxen]

I think he needs his time, and just wait for the moment.

Just look at what happened to Carrie and Mr. Big when she pushed him!

[Charles]

Originally Posted by bebelastrange

My worry is the lack of commitment as in proposal & down the road marriage.

So wait, I'm confused. Is he not committed to you now? Is he seeing other people?

Ask yourself this: "Do I see myself with him 30 years down the road?". IF you say yes, then what's the rush? Why do you feel the need "to put a ring on it"? Why can't you wait until you're both more settled and you're both more sure that you two are meant to be? Why this need for security?

Honestly, I feel it has a lot to do with what Dallas has said. You've given up too much of yourself here and now you're left lacking. You're too dependent on him at this point, and it's showing.

[vhdos]

Mid 20's and you want to be married? What's the rush? You have your whole life ahead of you.
You mentioned in your post that "he has issues from the past that are clogging his brain." What about you? It sounds like you are so head-over-heels in love with this guy (saying things like "I completely dropped me to focus on we") that you've clogged your brain too. And there's certainly nothing wrong with being head-over-heels in love, but it can some times cloud judgement. You sound very focused on the ring, the commitment, the future, etc. How about focusing on the now and just enjoying your relationship?
And by the way, I don't think that there is any magic number when someone should be ready for engagement/marriage. Two years may be right for one person and not for another. Two years isn't that long in my opinion. If he's had some bad experiences in the past, you'd be wise not to push him into anything that he's not comfortable with.

[krisluvspurses]

Trust me, I know from experience. Don't nag him about it. He'll propose when he's ready.

And if he's in his late 40's and has already been married, there could be a chance he doesn't want to get married again. My dad has been in a relationship for several years (He's 51) and they both swear they are never going to get married. I call his GF my stepmom. They live together and even work together. But they've been there done that. And prefer things the way they are.
It's something I definitely think you should discuss with your BF.

[Chanel Belle]

OP, you sound like you are depending alot on your man...you mentioned that you need relationship security because you have no income at the moment. Why not apply for a job, launch a business or something? It will make you independent and perhaps make you less focused on your relationship.

For me personally, if I've been in a relationship for over 3 years and the guy ain't proposing, I feel like I'm wasting my time. If I'm ready for marriage and he's not, why should I wait around for him to be ready? But that's just me. 2 years of relationship may still be pretty short for some couples.

[HauteMama]

Anytime you date a man who has gone through a divorce, you run the risk that he might not want to get married as fast... or at all.

But you need to have a discussion with him before you pick up and move to another country. I, personally, would not move without the committment of marriage, especially if we were moving for his job and not mine. You are putting yourself in a vulnerable and dependent position to not be working and then to consider moving abroad. If I may be so bold as to ask, why are you financially dependent on a man you are not married to?

It does sound like you are on different pages right now, if you are willing to give up everything for him and he is not willing to commit. Perhaps you should retain some of your independence for now, just for the sake of your own security.

[gina2328]

I think you need to be blunt and ask him "Do you plan to marry me". Do this at a time when you are both relaxing at home, maybe after dinner. See what he says, he will probably give you a straight answer, either "yes" or "no".

Yes, two years is long enought to know whether he wants to make a lifetime commitment with you. I think most men know after one year if you are "the one" or not. I have reservations about your age differences, not about the fact that he is previously divorced. Unless it has not been very long since his divorce, but you have been together for two years now. How long has he been divorced?

[Aslan]

Originally Posted by gina2328

I think you need to be blunt and ask him "Do you plan to marry me". Do this at a time when you are both relaxing at home, maybe after dinner. See what he says, he will probably give you a straight answer, either "yes" or "no". Yes, two years is long enought to know whether he wants to make a lifetime commitment with you.

Agreed. You should be more concerned with getting a straight answer from him, than receiving a ring.

FWIW, my DH is 50 and I'm 23. He asked me to marry me after knowing me for 7 months. Yes, he has more baggage than me, but we both knew what we wanted and were on the same page. I'm not one of those "wait and see" women (if I've already decided that he's the one). If you already know what you want, make sure he's with you on that.