Hello parents. My kids are 7 (boy) and 8 (girl) years-old now. I should also add that my DD has Asperger's (high-functioning autism) because I think that her diagnosis plays into this a little bit. My question is, how do you know what age to start giving your kids some independence? I mean, in terms of things like playing outside, by themselves or with the neighbor kids. We live in what I would consider a very safe neighborhood and yet, a few months ago, we had a man in our neighborhood that was caught exposing himself to adult women and he was also seen sitting in his car and watching young boys play. Needless to say, this was a bit disconcerting.
I have noticed that my neighbors seem far more relaxed about parenting - I have seen their children out and about on bikes, etc. They even send them over to my house sometimes and none of them are ever checked-on by a parent. I will be the first to admit that I am over-protective and I think part of it was a result of my DDs diagnosis. As I mentioned before, she is fully independent and functioning (in fact, many people are not even aware that she has asperger's unless you really get to know her), but it has prompted me to keep a watchful eye on her over the years, and that carries over onto her brother as well.
So, what are your thoughts on kids and independence? How do you balance letting them go while still keeping them safe?

I think the opinions you get here will vary as much as parenting styles. In our very nice neighborhood, I've seen two year olds riding tricycles down the street by themselves, and 13 yos accompanied to the school bus stop that is visible from home by their moms. I'm often shocked at how little supervision some kids have. But I know I am far more protective/vigilant than most parents.
Personally, 7 and 8 is too little for pretty much anything out of my sight unless it's in my own fenced back yard or at a friend's house where I know the mom will be watching the whole entire time. I know I am overprotective, I can joke and laugh about it, but it is what it is. My kids have far more rules and safety requirements than any of their friends. If there's something specific they are asking to do we can discuss how to stay safe, what you do if someone approaches you, etc. And that still doesn't mean they will be allowed.
Basically, if you are not completely comfortable with something, or your child is not, it's too early. If you question your judgement on something, don't allow it. There is plenty of time to give them independence and let them go a bit.
I think parenting has so many right ways to do it that you should just trust your instincts. If you feel you still need to be very protective, then that's what is right for your family. I figure as long as my kids are healthy and happy, waiting a few more years to ride bikes around the block alone isn't going to hurt them.

^It sounds like our parenting styles are similar. I like my kids to be somewhere in view when playing outside. The problem is that we just had a new family move into our neighborhood (with a young child). We live in a cul-de-sac and it curves around and back out to the main road. The house of the new kid is not visible from our house. It's tough for my kids because they see the other neighbor kids going over to the new house and they know that they are not allowed to. It makes me wonder if the other parents are too relaxed or if I am too stringent? My concern is not just that I can't see them over there, but that it is next to the main road and I see so many cars completely disregard the 4-way stop sign at the end of our street, which makes it a safety issue.

Possibly you should stock up on some yummy treats to sway the other kids to come your way! Or a fun new sprinkler/outside game. Whatever will keep them coming in your direction.
Interesting that you feel your protectiveness may stem somewhat from you dd's diagnosis. My twins were premature and I had to be hypervigilant. It definitely shapes how we parent.

Originally Posted by etk123

I think the opinions you get here will vary as much as parenting styles. In our very nice neighborhood, I've seen two year olds riding tricycles down the street by themselves, and 13 yos accompanied to the school bus stop that is visible from home by their moms. I'm often shocked at how little supervision some kids have. But I know I am far more protective/vigilant than most parents. Personally, 7 and 8 is too little for pretty much anything out of my sight unless it's in my own fenced back yard or at a friend's house where I know the mom will be watching the whole entire time. I know I am overprotective, I can joke and laugh about it, but it is what it is. My kids have far more rules and safety requirements than any of their friends. If there's something specific they are asking to do we can discuss how to stay safe, what you do if someone approaches you, etc. And that still doesn't mean they will be allowed. Basically, if you are not completely comfortable with something, or your child is not, it's too early. If you question your judgement on something, don't allow it. There is plenty of time to give them independence and let them go a bit. I think parenting has so many right ways to do it that you should just trust your instincts. If you feel you still need to be very protective, then that's what is right for your family. I figure as long as my kids are healthy and happy, waiting a few more years to ride bikes around the block alone isn't going to hurt them.

Great post, etk! couldn't agree with you more!

Much of it depends on the children themselves, their friends and relative closeness.

I think we are pretty much very laid back parents...and still our kids did not go out on their own until around 10 (or older). DS12 was a bit more immature than the older 2 boys and we just started letting him ride his bike and going to friends on his own this Summer...even then it is with clear purpose (where is he going), what time will he be home and phone calls checking in.

We have always had and still do have lots of kids that come by here. We have the swimming pool, pool table and ping-pong table...plus we are directly across the street from the park. Yes, sometimes it can be tiring...but over all I would much rather have them here, where I know there is supervision. I am always amazed by the kids (of all ages) that come over and stay for hours and hours with no contact from parents.

I agree with the above posters. I keep a full snack cabinet and extra fridge full of drinks so I am the " cool" mom. We have a pool and extra bikes and skateboards so the kids like to hang here.
As far as ages the girls went no where on the block alone until 12 and even today must call me when they arrive. If I do not get a phone call in a prompt fashion they can't go alone again for 2 days then we try again. Always get a phone call now.
I never let mine be alone any where until 12. I still keep a close eye. Do what you feel comfortable with. Doesnt matter what other parents do!

My oldest was allowed to bike with friends the summer he turned 9. He was very dependable (not now with hormones :eyeroll:) and had solid buddies to bike with. He didn't get to stay home alone for short times until he was 12.5. He still isn't allowed to babysit his younger brother, but I'd let him sit for the neighbor child the same age...personalities.

There is no such thing as independence for my kids at ages 7 or 8. That is just too young for me to let them bike around without me knowing exactly where they are.

We are lucky in the sense that we live in a rural area, so biking around a neighborhood isn't an option. If they are going to a friend's home, it must be arranged in advance and okayed with parents, as I need to drive them into town or their friend's parents must drive them here. But anywhere they go, I need to have been there and have met the parents first. Indeed, that seems to be pretty standard around here. The first time a child goes to someone's home, their mom stays and chats with the other mom for most or all of the stay. After that, the child can be dropped off without the parent staying. I guess everyone around here is overly cautious!

I started leaving DS1 for short periods of time alone at home - maybe 15 minutes, just to drive a sibling to soccer or something - when he was 10. He is now 12, and will be in 7th grade this year, and he will attend some football games with friends, etc. DS2 is now 10 and isn't quite as responsible as DS1, so he will likely have his independence a little later than DS1 did. And DD is 8 and there is no such thing as independence for her! That's just too young, IMO.

I think there are some good responses here, and it is helpful for me as I consider these things as my son gets older. I do agree it depends on the child and what the neighborhood is like/what they will be doing.

What this reminds me of is something frustrating that happened to me a couple of months ago. I let my 3 year old son ride his bike on our driveway while I take a few minutes to put the stuff away from the car. He sometimes goes a little close to the road to watch cars, but has proven himself reliable about not going in the road.

Some lady drove by one day months after we started doing this and comes to my door and says my little boy is by the road. I said, I know.... I am watching him, plus he knows not to go on the road. She rolled her eyes and walked away. Two days later when she saw him, she called the neighborhood police. When they came he was with me and the neighbor playing with the kids--and you could tell he was so not concerned. I said it was probably me that the report was on because my son sits by the road, but isn't causing any trouble or in the road, etc...he is on our driveway. He gave the kids coloring books and left, and didn't really have anything to say.

It made me mad because he was sitting there safely, and had a helmet on, so obviously he might have had some help with that. and I see older kids on the road all of the time riding on the wrong side, hanging out, etc, so it just seemed weird that this bothered her so much. I guess she just didn't know that he is a fairly mature 3 year old and had earned that bit of independence.

I'm not comfortable at all with my kids doing things unsupervised. They are 6 and 8, and we live in the suburbs, but even still I hear of things happening all the time. Kids trying to cross the busy rodes and getting run over, kids missing, drowning in pools or the ocean, etc. So, personally, I'm the overprotective type and will likely want to be supervising them as much as possible until they are adults. I do allow my 8 yr old to go to friend's homes to play, but I drop her off and I ask the friend's mom to please not let them outside alone, etc.

For now my kids always want me to stay or be with them at activities, I'm hoping they still like me a while longer at their activities.

Originally Posted by Alexa5

I think there are some good responses here, and it is helpful for me as I consider these things as my son gets older. I do agree it depends on the child and what the neighborhood is like/what they will be doing. What this reminds me of is something frustrating that happened to me a couple of months ago. I let my 3 year old son ride his bike on our driveway while I take a few minutes to put the stuff away from the car. He sometimes goes a little close to the road to watch cars, but has proven himself reliable about not going in the road. Some lady drove by one day months after we started doing this and comes to my door and says my little boy is by the road. I said, I know.... I am watching him, plus he knows not to go on the road. She rolled her eyes and walked away. Two days later when she saw him, she called the neighborhood police. When they came he was with me and the neighbor playing with the kids--and you could tell he was so not concerned. I said it was probably me that the report was on because my son sits by the road, but isn't causing any trouble or in the road, etc...he is on our driveway. He gave the kids coloring books and left, and didn't really have anything to say. It made me mad because he was sitting there safely, and had a helmet on, so obviously he might have had some help with that. and I see older kids on the road all of the time riding on the wrong side, hanging out, etc, so it just seemed weird that this bothered her so much. I guess she just didn't know that he is a fairly mature 3 year old and had earned that bit of independence.

i don't think you can trust a 3 yr old not to go into the road. all it could take is a toy in the street to entice him to go off the sidewalk.

Originally Posted by alliemia

i don't think you can trust a 3 yr old not to go into the road. all it could take is a toy in the street to entice him to go off the sidewalk.

I beg to differ. In many cases you can't, but there are some that can handle that. The neighbor that knows him well fully agreed, and said she never worried about him running out whereas her daughter who is a little younger would easily run out.

I didn't mention it to bring my parenting into question... it was just that the topic reminded me of it. As was said earlier in the thread we all differ in our comfort levels. I am not sending him out biking by himself--he sits there and doesn't even run out if the girl across the street comes home--he waits for me. Believe me, I spend a ton of time playing with him and supervising him.

Originally Posted by vhdos

Hello parents. My kids are 7 (boy) and 8 (girl) years-old now. I should also add that my DD has Asperger's (high-functioning autism) because I think that her diagnosis plays into this a little bit. My question is, how do you know what age to start giving your kids some independence? I mean, in terms of things like playing outside, by themselves or with the neighbor kids. We live in what I would consider a very safe neighborhood and yet, a few months ago, we had a man in our neighborhood that was caught exposing himself to adult women and he was also seen sitting in his car and watching young boys play. Needless to say, this was a bit disconcerting. I have noticed that my neighbors seem far more relaxed about parenting - I have seen their children out and about on bikes, etc. They even send them over to my house sometimes and none of them are ever checked-on by a parent. I will be the first to admit that I am over-protective and I think part of it was a result of my DDs diagnosis. As I mentioned before, she is fully independent and functioning (in fact, many people are not even aware that she has asperger's unless you really get to know her), but it has prompted me to keep a watchful eye on her over the years, and that carries over onto her brother as well. So, what are your thoughts on kids and independence? How do you balance letting them go while still keeping them safe?

As with most things related to parenting: it really depends. My eldest daughter may now walk alone (without me or DH) to school, but she always must have a friend with her. We can see her whole way to school from our kitchen window and there are many children walking the way in the morning, so she is not alone.

She may also ride her bike to her friends' house when she is at MY mother's house, but she may not do so alone when she is riding from HOME. The reason is: she has to cross a very busy street in order to get to where most of her friends live (same area where my mom lives). Some people don't mind the red light and just plow through - this makes me a bit nervous. Once she has passed her "Bike License" (done here by the police when kids are in the 4th grade) she may ride alone. Then she will have learned all of the bike-rules and the police will have tested her on her abilities.

As for playing outside: my kids will play on the street in front of our house since our road is only used for the people who live on this street (3 cars). They all know my kids and are mindful when they turn onto the street.

Cooking is still a no-no in our house. She may make popcorn but she may not use the oven or stove unattended.

My children are still small, one turning 3 and another just turned 5 months old. IMO I think children need a secure base to explore freely, which means they can be independent provided they are within our visible range. And they can be independent when they become at least a pre teen at 12 years old.