Originally Posted by vhdos

You say that you don't want kids, but does that mean now or never? Was this not something that came up before? I mean, the decision to have kids and all of the details involved (when, how many, etc.) are typically things that a couple discusses before marriage. It really sounds like the two of you may have two different goals in life (as far as family and career are concerned). If you knew these things going in, why should any of this come as a surprise to you now? I guess I'm having a hard time understanding because it sounds like you were aware of his lifestyle and his goals.

I want kids but not now and we talked about it before and he was okay, but now since he joined the navy he acts like he is surprised.

I guess it just sounds like you and your DH have two different goals as far as family and career are concerned. I can tell you from experience that if you don't work to resolve that, it can spell disaster for your relationship. I had the similar problem in my marriage. I wanted kids, but DH kept saying that he wasn't ready. I wanted bigger/better things out of life, but DH was happy with his go-nowhere job and wanted to live in the same small town as his mom for the rest of his life. Eventually, resentment and a lack of respect took a toll on our marriage and we subsequently divorced. I'm certainly not saying that this will happen to you, but I'm encouraging you to be aware of these potential pitfalls in your marriage. It's normal for people to change and grow, but you still need to find ways to reach the same end-goals.

i could not imagine becoming someone's mother at 21. it would not work for me. i am 26 and the idea of parenthood is almost oppressing. not that i do not want kids--but i am overwhelmed by the amount of work and responsibility it entails. i am just deathly afraid of getting it wrong and my child is a drug addict, a murderer, a rapist or some sort of deviant.

*shudders*

^ I get what you are saying but honestly, that fear never goes away. I have kids, am definitely ready and dealing with the responsibility and I am constantly worrying if this or that will set them on a path of destruction in the future.... but I agree, 21 is young and in many cases too young to have children.

Originally Posted by vhdos

I guess it just sounds like you and your DH have two different goals as far as family and career are concerned. I can tell you from experience that if you don't work to resolve that, it can spell disaster for your relationship. I had the similar problem in my marriage. I wanted kids, but DH kept saying that he wasn't ready. I wanted bigger/better things out of life, but DH was happy with his go-nowhere job and wanted to live in the same small town as his mom for the rest of his life. Eventually, resentment and a lack of respect took a toll on our marriage and we subsequently divorced. I'm certainly not saying that this will happen to you, but I'm encouraging you to be aware of these potential pitfalls in your marriage. It's normal for people to change and grow, but you still need to find ways to reach the same end-goals.

I agree 100% with this. Children were part of the reason why my marriage broke up. We talked about kids before we got married and our basic agreement was "not anytime soon". As our marriage went on we realized that he really really didn't want children and I started to realize that I did. It started resentment and arguing and I knew that would never go away. I knew one of us would eventually have to give in and it's not something that either party should have to be forced into.

i couldn't imagine myself with a baby at 21, i would have been the worst mother.

Well my husband and I spoke and he actually offered me a "plea deal". Omg he says he would rather have a baby young in his early twenties than later because he wants to be a "fun and relatable dad" and wants to try before he leaves again for Ocs. Says he will buy out my obsession before the baby is born by offering a trip to Paris in June when he gets on leave, 4500 to spend in Lv, and a gift of my choice when the baby is born. I'm not sure why this has become the main emphasis but I'm appalled and I took everyone's advice. To be continued.........

Reese, it's good that you and DH talked but IMO it's kinda creepy that he's trying to buy you to have children earlier than when you might be ready.

Caring for a child/children completely changes your life so please make sure YOU are 100% on board with having children before doing so, especially if your DH may have other work priorities (OCS, etc.).

Paris and LV will always be there so please take your time.

Good luck and keep us updated. We're here for you.

Originally Posted by ReeseVuitton

Well my husband and I spoke and he actually offered me a "plea deal". Omg he says he would rather have a baby young in his early twenties than later because he wants to be a "fun and relatable dad" and wants to try before he leaves again for Ocs. Says he will buy out my obsession before the baby is born by offering a trip to Paris in June when he gets on leave, 4500 to spend in Lv, and a gift of my choice when the baby is born. I'm not sure why this has become the main emphasis but I'm appalled and I took everyone's advice. To be continued.........

Wow. I can see that he wants what he wants but really - BUYING a baby out of you? Yikes.

Originally Posted by ReeseVuitton

Well my husband and I spoke and he actually offered me a "plea deal". Omg he says he would rather have a baby young in his early twenties than later because he wants to be a "fun and relatable dad" and wants to try before he leaves again for Ocs. Says he will buy out my obsession before the baby is born by offering a trip to Paris in June when he gets on leave, 4500 to spend in Lv, and a gift of my choice when the baby is born. I'm not sure why this has become the main emphasis but I'm appalled and I took everyone's advice. To be continued.........

Wow.
It's sad that he's reduced parenting to a simple concept (wanting to be a "fun & relatable dad"). Becoming a parent is about so much more, especially for you. Stay strong and don't let him bully you or bargain his way into having a child.

So now he's trying to bribe you into having a baby? Kind of disgusting. It's not a business transaction. It's a baby.

It's interesting to me that he wants to try before leaving. He wants to create a baby at a time he won't be around to help raise it?

Does he really want to be a parent, or does he just want the status of being a "family man"?

Also, hate to break this to him, but kids always think their parents are out of touch old fogies, especially when they hit the teen years.

^yes and I'm curious to know exactly what the details of his Navy schedule are (how much traveling will he be doing, etc.)? Perhaps getting you pregnant is a way for him to control you while he's away?

Originally Posted by ReeseVuitton

Well my husband and I spoke and he actually offered me a "plea deal". Omg he says he would rather have a baby young in his early twenties than later because he wants to be a "fun and relatable dad" and wants to try before he leaves again for Ocs. Says he will buy out my obsession before the baby is born by offering a trip to Paris in June when he gets on leave, 4500 to spend in Lv, and a gift of my choice when the baby is born. I'm not sure why this has become the main emphasis but I'm appalled and I took everyone's advice. To be continued.........

Wow. He seems really immature. Don't skip any pills.

I know someone who married a guy who just got out of Navy OCS. She had a baby about the same time he graduated OCS, and right now his hours are 9-5 at his base and life is okay. This is about to change in a few months, when he'll be deployed.

Being a military wife is difficult. You'll find yourself being a single mom for months at a stretch. This doesn't mean that he'll be a bad father, he'll just not be around for long periods. The person I knew had a C-section and didn't even have anyone around to come help, because her husband was in training and she was in a new place. Her parent had to do a multi-hour round trip just to get her groceries and help her clean her bathroom.

So you don't really want to have a baby right now, which is fine, but he wants to make you have a baby and then leave you to do a majority of the parenting while he is serving the country?

Agree with Aslan completely.

I'm 21 and will be 22 this summer. I really want to have kids and I know hubby and I will be awesome parents. We can afford to have a child now and give it as privileged a life as we grew up with. We are waiting though. We both want time to be as COMPLETELY selfish as we want to be! I think seeing the world and collecting all of the purses, shoes, etc that I want is more important to me now. And that's fine, I'm young! Even though I may end up a Stay-at-home mom, I still want to get my Master's Degree because I genuinely love learning and I want to set a good example to my future children about education and priorities.
Anyways, what I want to say is that you need to PUT YOURSELF FIRST! No matter what. If you don't get what you want out of life before you have kids, you may subconsciously harbor resentment towards them (or towards your husband for pressuring you) and something like that could ruin the children's lives and your marriage. I recommend couple's therapy for you guys. I think there has to be more to your husband's pushiness and desires than what lays on the surface. Keep us posted!