Letting a 3 yr old make his own choices...

ellacoach · Jul 16th, 2008, 07:37 PM

DH and I are at the point with our 3 1/2 yr old son where we let him make choices so that he realizes there are consequences...tonight for instance ...I made him dinner...he refused to eat what I made him and said he wanted French Toast for dinner. And he was completely freaking out about it. I calmly told him that this was what was for dinner but we could definately have French Toast for dinner some night soon.

He continued to have a meltdown...on the couch. I calmly told him if he didn't stop he was going to time out. He freaked out more. I turned off the movie he was watching...more meltdown...I sat down next to him and told him that once he calmed down and went out to the dining room table to eat his dinner he could have the movie back on. Didn't work.

So after about 15 minutes of this I gave him a choice...I told him he could go eat dinner or go to bed right now (this was about 1/2 hour ago at 7:00 pm. He ususally goes to bed around 8:00) I thought for sure he would choose dinner because DH did this with him once and he choose bed at first, but once he got upstairs he said he wanted to eat dinner.

So upstairs we went...we put on a pull up , put on his jammies, turned on the A/C, pulled the shades and he got in bed. He's been up there for 1/2 hr. and hasn't called out for me, he's not asleep though I can hear him in the monitor. And he really needed a bath because he was sweaty and dirty from playing at daycare today, but I didn't want him to think we were going to prolong the choice he made.

The whole time we were getting ready for bed I was hoping he would change his mind. I'm devasted he didn't.

But I gave him 2 choices, he made his choice and I had to stand my ground. And now he's gone to bed dirty and hungry. I feel horrible, and DH is out getting his hair cut...

I don't know if I did the right thing...

HauteMama · Jul 16th, 2008, 07:48 PM

I think you did the right thing. Setting a precedent that him having a fit will not make you into a short-order cook so he can demand whatever he wants for dinner is a GOOD thing. He needs to know he will not be rewarded for a tantrum.

I, too, have given my children the choice of trying 1 bite of dinner (which they took one look at and refused without tasting) or going to bed. If they choose bed, I do NOT feel guilty. We give them plenty of options for food at every meal (a vegetable, a starch, a protein, etc.), and if they choose not to try ANY of it, then so be it.

biggestbaglover · Jul 16th, 2008, 08:01 PM

You definitely did the right thing although I know how hard it can be. This is a VERY difficult age! My son is also 3 1/2 years old and he tries my patience on a daily basis! He also seems to be getting pickier and pickier with food even though he used to be a very easy going eater. We had a very similar situation last night where he wanted to go outside to water the garden with his dad and didn't want to eat. I told him he could eat first and then go outside.

Then he decided that he only wanted to eat his chicken and not eat his pasta or corn. I tried to compromise with him since he told me he "only likes chicken" and told him that he could eat his chicken and one other thing..either pasta or corn and that he had to have one bite of whatever he didn't choose. He had one bite of pasta and said that he would eat all of his corn and his chicken but that he didn't want anymore pasta. I agreed to this and told him that if he broke his word, he would not be going outside with daddy to water the garden (one of his FAVORITE things to do). He continued to yell, scream and have a meltdown, refusing to eat.

I also told him that he could eat and go outside or continue his tantrum and then it would be too late to go outside. Finally, I had it and told him that his behaviour was unacceptable and that he would not be going outside. He started crying and begging me to let him go outside. I really did feel sorry for him as he did end up eating most of his food but it took nearly an hour and a whole lot of screaming and crying. I did not want him to think that this behavior was allowed so after he ate, I got him ready for bed and sent him to bed. I almost caved at least a half dozen times but I wanted him to learn his lesson.

This is such a tough age but I really think that you illustrated to him that his behavior was unacceptable and would not be tolerated. I think that you did the right thing and I know all about the inner turmoil you are feeling at the moment. Hang in there and PM me if you need to vent!

ellacoach · Jul 16th, 2008, 08:10 PM

Thanks so much you guys!

Biggestbaglover thank you! Deep down I know I did the right thing, but your right...it's the inner turmoil I'm feeling. I feel like crap, but he has to know that his actions have consequences.

I swear this age has been so challenging! He never went through the "terrible twos" but since he turned 3...all hell has broken loose! One minute he's my little snuggle bunny and the next minute he's turned into a demon child! I'm just waiting for him to say he hates me I'm sure that will be coming down the road!...right now when he gets made at me he says "fine...then your not my best friend anymore!".

But tonight was so hard because he was clearly upset...even when he had calmed down he was still visibly upset and it broke my heart to have to do that. I did the right thing, I did the right thing, I did the right thing, I did the right thing...

twinkle.tink · Jul 16th, 2008, 09:26 PM

You def. did the right thing! Good for you! Just keep reminding yourself that. Moments like this will be what produces an amazingly well behaved boy soon :)

Congrats!

merika · Jul 16th, 2008, 09:29 PM

Your daughter in law will thank you someday...

Jill · Jul 16th, 2008, 09:39 PM

setting rules with your toddler is not only HEARTBREAKING for u but its hard to watch AND see thru as well.
U did good!LOL!...dont beat yourself up over it.......there will only b BIGGER battles as they get older and u need for him to know WHO is the boss.

wait till he is a teenager..hehe..OY..Im there now and wishing id been a TAD more strict with mine when she was younger...lol!

PS-and YES,all us moms have to gone to bed in tears many times over parental decisions we hate to make!!!u arent alone girl!

ilovepinkhearts · Jul 16th, 2008, 09:55 PM

my 3 yr old does the same. if we make anything other than pasta he won't eat [lately]. so we tried the whole time out thing...and he was loving it. he went and sat in the chair all alone while we prayed and then started eating...he then would get up and walk around and look out back. i would tell him to go sit in time out or sit at the table with us and eat. he chose time out again. then he sat there...and sat there. then came to the table and started having a meltdown. we told him to eat or go to bed....he went to bed. screaming the whole way.

im not going to be the mom that cooks 3 different meals...either they eat what is lovingly prepared for them or they go hungry.

so i think that you did the right thing. and he will be fine...he can have breakfast in the morning and a bath when he gets home from daycare....

and yeah...mine is 3 but acts like he is 13. we are looking for an apartment and the whole time we are there he is screaming and saying "let's go!!" "i don't want to be here!" it was so frustrating and deafening...

biggestbaglover · Jul 16th, 2008, 10:14 PM

You're very welcome! I am going through the exact same thing at the moment and it sounds like our two little guys are very similar as my son is going through a much worse time since he turned 3 as well. He also never seemed to really go through a "terrible twos" stage. It seems like the meltdowns are much more common now when he doesn't get his way.

I was reading an article from a parenting forum that said that at this age, they are basically trying to assert themselves and want to make their own decisions. The article was saying that it is really important to set a precedent at this age as they are basically "testing" to see what they can and can't do and what they can and can't get away with. It also said to offer them a choice, like you did and let them make the decision and then allow them to suffer the consequences if they persist in their defiance.

Also, just to update you and offer some consolation... my son is now outside watering the garden and playing with his dad in the yard. He didn't cause any problems at dinner today. He actually sat at the table and said, on his own, "Mommy, today I'm going to eat ALL my food and then I'm going to water the garden." Then he paused for a moment and said "Right, Mommy? If I eat my food, then I go outside, right?" He then proceeded to eat all of his dinner without problems. This is my confirmation that I did do the right thing yesterday and that he understood that his actions have consequences. So, my inner turmoil eased a bit when I realized that despite my guilt and wanting to just "hug him and make it all better" yesterday, I did do the right thing.

I think that you dealt with the situation perfectly and don't let that "mommy guilt" get the best of you. You ARE doing what is best for him. Lots of hugs to you!

PinkSuadeSoho · Jul 16th, 2008, 10:26 PM

Personally I would do the same.

Did he ever get his time out? He decided his choice but the thing is, you have to stick with it. Consistancy. Otherwise, he knows later he can still eat. I don't think it is unfair. This is how they learn. You feel bad, simply because you are human and his mother. It comes with the territory.

PinkSuadeSoho · Jul 16th, 2008, 10:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by merika

Your daughter in law will thank you someday...

LMAO, how so very true!

dallas · Jul 16th, 2008, 10:56 PM

You did the right thing. The more you stand your ground now, the less chance you have of being faced with a snarling, disrespectful teenager later on.

cherll · Jul 16th, 2008, 11:07 PM

wow, i think you did good. i think i need tips.. hehe.. my little one will be 3 in august and is at the testing stage. he acted up in dillards yesterday and i was kinda puzzled on what to do. we were checking out so i couldn't exactly just leave.. it was hard but he settled down when i told him to tell me the colors of the nearby shirts.. it took a while though..

ShiShi · Jul 16th, 2008, 11:40 PM

Yep, I think you did a good job too. :) Cause and effect is one of the hardest things to teach as a parent (or caregiver), but it's the most important.

sratsey · Jul 16th, 2008, 11:41 PM

You did the right thing.
Just make sure the choices you give are ones that you can live with LOL.

During mealtimes my son gets 2 choices
1. eat what your served or
2. go to bed hungry

I'm right on board with ilovepinkhearts. I know moms who cook 3 different meals because they have "picky" eaters.
The one thing I've learned is that kids will not let themselves starve and it won't kill him (or me) if he skips a meal because he's not happy with what I put in front of him.

Sometimes he actually DOES choose to not eat until breakfast.
We eat dinner at 7ish. If he's hungry right before bedtime because he refused to eat his meal, then so be it.

My ONLY exception to this rule is if I'm serving something that he hasn't eaten before.

Jul 16th, 2008, 07:37 PM	#1
ellacoach Resistance is futile Joined: Feb 2007 Location: East Coast Posts: 2,850	DH and I are at the point with our 3 1/2 yr old son where we let him make choices so that he realizes there are consequences...tonight for instance ...I made him dinner...he refused to eat what I made him and said he wanted French Toast for dinner. And he was completely freaking out about it. I calmly told him that this was what was for dinner but we could definately have French Toast for dinner some night soon. He continued to have a meltdown...on the couch. I calmly told him if he didn't stop he was going to time out. He freaked out more. I turned off the movie he was watching...more meltdown...I sat down next to him and told him that once he calmed down and went out to the dining room table to eat his dinner he could have the movie back on. Didn't work. So after about 15 minutes of this I gave him a choice...I told him he could go eat dinner or go to bed right now (this was about 1/2 hour ago at 7:00 pm. He ususally goes to bed around 8:00) I thought for sure he would choose dinner because DH did this with him once and he choose bed at first, but once he got upstairs he said he wanted to eat dinner. So upstairs we went...we put on a pull up , put on his jammies, turned on the A/C, pulled the shades and he got in bed. He's been up there for 1/2 hr. and hasn't called out for me, he's not asleep though I can hear him in the monitor. And he really needed a bath because he was sweaty and dirty from playing at daycare today, but I didn't want him to think we were going to prolong the choice he made. The whole time we were getting ready for bed I was hoping he would change his mind. I'm devasted he didn't. But I gave him 2 choices, he made his choice and I had to stand my ground. And now he's gone to bed dirty and hungry. I feel horrible, and DH is out getting his hair cut... I don't know if I did the right thing... __________________ On My Mind: Rebecca Minkoff Cloud Grey Nikki Botkier Sophie large Tote - Grey Balenciaga Black Cherry coin purse Balenciaga Argent coin purse David Yurman Petite Albion Pave Ring

Jul 16th, 2008, 08:10 PM	#4
ellacoach Resistance is futile Joined: Feb 2007 Location: East Coast Posts: 2,850	Thanks so much you guys! Biggestbaglover thank you! Deep down I know I did the right thing, but your right...it's the inner turmoil I'm feeling. I feel like crap, but he has to know that his actions have consequences. I swear this age has been so challenging! He never went through the "terrible twos" but since he turned 3...all hell has broken loose! One minute he's my little snuggle bunny and the next minute he's turned into a demon child! I'm just waiting for him to say he hates me I'm sure that will be coming down the road!...right now when he gets made at me he says "fine...then your not my best friend anymore!". But tonight was so hard because he was clearly upset...even when he had calmed down he was still visibly upset and it broke my heart to have to do that. I did the right thing, I did the right thing, I did the right thing, I did the right thing... __________________ On My Mind: Rebecca Minkoff Cloud Grey Nikki Botkier Sophie large Tote - Grey Balenciaga Black Cherry coin purse Balenciaga Argent coin purse David Yurman Petite Albion Pave Ring

Jul 16th, 2008, 09:26 PM	#5
twinkle.tink Pixie Duster Joined: Sep 2006 Location: Just call me Tink ;) Posts: 15,533	You def. did the right thing! Good for you! Just keep reminding yourself that. Moments like this will be what produces an amazingly well behaved boy soon :) Congrats! __________________

Jul 16th, 2008, 09:29 PM	#6
merika Sac Himalaya Joined: Nov 2006 Location: In front of a computer Posts: 7,806	Your daughter in law will thank you someday... __________________ I will also gladly authenticate your chocolates for you.

Jul 16th, 2008, 09:55 PM	#8
ilovepinkhearts hi, i'm danielle Joined: Dec 2007 Location: Texas Posts: 884	my 3 yr old does the same. if we make anything other than pasta he won't eat [lately]. so we tried the whole time out thing...and he was loving it. he went and sat in the chair all alone while we prayed and then started eating...he then would get up and walk around and look out back. i would tell him to go sit in time out or sit at the table with us and eat. he chose time out again. then he sat there...and sat there. then came to the table and started having a meltdown. we told him to eat or go to bed....he went to bed. screaming the whole way. im not going to be the mom that cooks 3 different meals...either they eat what is lovingly prepared for them or they go hungry. so i think that you did the right thing. and he will be fine...he can have breakfast in the morning and a bath when he gets home from daycare.... and yeah...mine is 3 but acts like he is 13. we are looking for an apartment and the whole time we are there he is screaming and saying "let's go!!" "i don't want to be here!" it was so frustrating and deafening... __________________ i love pink - i love coach - i love anything coach in pink

Jul 16th, 2008, 07:48 PM	#2
HauteMama Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 3,867	I think you did the right thing. Setting a precedent that him having a fit will not make you into a short-order cook so he can demand whatever he wants for dinner is a GOOD thing. He needs to know he will not be rewarded for a tantrum. I, too, have given my children the choice of trying 1 bite of dinner (which they took one look at and refused without tasting) or going to bed. If they choose bed, I do NOT feel guilty. We give them plenty of options for food at every meal (a vegetable, a starch, a protein, etc.), and if they choose not to try ANY of it, then so be it.

Jul 16th, 2008, 08:01 PM	#3
biggestbaglover Member Joined: Aug 2007 Posts: 1,408	You definitely did the right thing although I know how hard it can be. This is a VERY difficult age! My son is also 3 1/2 years old and he tries my patience on a daily basis! He also seems to be getting pickier and pickier with food even though he used to be a very easy going eater. We had a very similar situation last night where he wanted to go outside to water the garden with his dad and didn't want to eat. I told him he could eat first and then go outside. Then he decided that he only wanted to eat his chicken and not eat his pasta or corn. I tried to compromise with him since he told me he "only likes chicken" and told him that he could eat his chicken and one other thing..either pasta or corn and that he had to have one bite of whatever he didn't choose. He had one bite of pasta and said that he would eat all of his corn and his chicken but that he didn't want anymore pasta. I agreed to this and told him that if he broke his word, he would not be going outside with daddy to water the garden (one of his FAVORITE things to do). He continued to yell, scream and have a meltdown, refusing to eat. I also told him that he could eat and go outside or continue his tantrum and then it would be too late to go outside. Finally, I had it and told him that his behaviour was unacceptable and that he would not be going outside. He started crying and begging me to let him go outside. I really did feel sorry for him as he did end up eating most of his food but it took nearly an hour and a whole lot of screaming and crying. I did not want him to think that this behavior was allowed so after he ate, I got him ready for bed and sent him to bed. I almost caved at least a half dozen times but I wanted him to learn his lesson. This is such a tough age but I really think that you illustrated to him that his behavior was unacceptable and would not be tolerated. I think that you did the right thing and I know all about the inner turmoil you are feeling at the moment. Hang in there and PM me if you need to vent!

Jul 16th, 2008, 09:39 PM	#7
Jill Joined: Feb 2006 Posts: 23,500	setting rules with your toddler is not only HEARTBREAKING for u but its hard to watch AND see thru as well. U did good!LOL!...dont beat yourself up over it.......there will only b BIGGER battles as they get older and u need for him to know WHO is the boss. wait till he is a teenager..hehe..OY..Im there now and wishing id been a TAD more strict with mine when she was younger...lol! PS-and YES,all us moms have to gone to bed in tears many times over parental decisions we hate to make!!!u arent alone girl!

Jul 16th, 2008, 10:14 PM	#9
biggestbaglover Member Joined: Aug 2007 Posts: 1,408	You're very welcome! I am going through the exact same thing at the moment and it sounds like our two little guys are very similar as my son is going through a much worse time since he turned 3 as well. He also never seemed to really go through a "terrible twos" stage. It seems like the meltdowns are much more common now when he doesn't get his way. I was reading an article from a parenting forum that said that at this age, they are basically trying to assert themselves and want to make their own decisions. The article was saying that it is really important to set a precedent at this age as they are basically "testing" to see what they can and can't do and what they can and can't get away with. It also said to offer them a choice, like you did and let them make the decision and then allow them to suffer the consequences if they persist in their defiance. Also, just to update you and offer some consolation... my son is now outside watering the garden and playing with his dad in the yard. He didn't cause any problems at dinner today. He actually sat at the table and said, on his own, "Mommy, today I'm going to eat ALL my food and then I'm going to water the garden." Then he paused for a moment and said "Right, Mommy? If I eat my food, then I go outside, right?" He then proceeded to eat all of his dinner without problems. This is my confirmation that I did do the right thing yesterday and that he understood that his actions have consequences. So, my inner turmoil eased a bit when I realized that despite my guilt and wanting to just "hug him and make it all better" yesterday, I did do the right thing. I think that you dealt with the situation perfectly and don't let that "mommy guilt" get the best of you. You ARE doing what is best for him. Lots of hugs to you!

Jul 16th, 2008, 10:26 PM	#10
PinkSuadeSoho Live the Life U Love Joined: Jul 2006 Location: British Properties,Beautiful By Nature! Spectacular by SIGHT! :) Posts: 3,678	Personally I would do the same. Did he ever get his time out? He decided his choice but the thing is, you have to stick with it. Consistancy. Otherwise, he knows later he can still eat. I don't think it is unfair. This is how they learn. You feel bad, simply because you are human and his mother. It comes with the territory. __________________ Money can't buy me love- BUT........it can buy me PURSES! My must have WISH LIST! Thomas Wylde Leather Skull Hobo Thomas Wylde Leather Misson Cross Handbag Thomas Wylde HandBag just started the search Bottega Veneta HandBag just started the search Only then will I call it a BAN

Jul 16th, 2008, 10:56 PM	#12
dallas Ya anno Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 2,535	You did the right thing. The more you stand your ground now, the less chance you have of being faced with a snarling, disrespectful teenager later on. __________________ LOVE IS: " When Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7

Jul 16th, 2008, 11:07 PM	#13
cherll juicy on my coach Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 1,895	wow, i think you did good. i think i need tips.. hehe.. my little one will be 3 in august and is at the testing stage. he acted up in dillards yesterday and i was kinda puzzled on what to do. we were checking out so i couldn't exactly just leave.. it was hard but he settled down when i told him to tell me the colors of the nearby shirts.. it took a while though..

Jul 16th, 2008, 11:40 PM	#14
ShiShi wa wa wee wa Joined: Dec 2007 Location: Somewhere over the rainbow Posts: 393	Yep, I think you did a good job too. :) Cause and effect is one of the hardest things to teach as a parent (or caregiver), but it's the most important. __________________ Looking for (all 100s in Black or Nude): Pigalle kid 37.5 Rolando suede 37.5 or patent 38 Declic suede 37.5 or patent 38

Jul 16th, 2008, 11:41 PM	#15
sratsey Member Joined: Apr 2006 Posts: 2,530	You did the right thing. Just make sure the choices you give are ones that you can live with LOL. During mealtimes my son gets 2 choices 1. eat what your served or 2. go to bed hungry I'm right on board with ilovepinkhearts. I know moms who cook 3 different meals because they have "picky" eaters. The one thing I've learned is that kids will not let themselves starve and it won't kill him (or me) if he skips a meal because he's not happy with what I put in front of him. Sometimes he actually DOES choose to not eat until breakfast. We eat dinner at 7ish. If he's hungry right before bedtime because he refused to eat his meal, then so be it. My ONLY exception to this rule is if I'm serving something that he hasn't eaten before.