How Do I Tell Him I Want to Try Again After Miscarrying Unplanned Pregnancy

MisFitJeanius · Dec 4th, 2009, 11:34 AM

My Fiancée and I just experienced the miscarriage of our first pregnancy at 11 weeks on November 20th. Our pregnancy was unplanned but we were nonetheless ecstatic about it. However, my fiancée seems to want to wait to TTC, where as I feel a strong urge to TTC NOW. I am unsure how to approach the topic without feeling or sounding like I am pressuring him to conceive, being baby crazy or being over emotional and impractical.

It is completely reasonable that he would want to wait because our lives are not professionally or financially “perfect” yet. However, we are certainly not doing poorly and are in a much better place than most people we know at our age. We are prepared to provide a great life for our baby. Granted-- I can't buy the $900 Gucci baby carrier that i would love but I'm sure that if I asked I would have got it as a shower gift. And by the time the baby arrived we would have EVERYTHING they need and then some. I am 23 and he is 24. He is taking the pharmacy NAPLEX in the spring and has a good job now as well as several lucrative opportunities lined up for after his exam. I have a good job now and am starting law school in the fall 2010. We are saving the down payment for our first condo and we are getting married on Monday 12/7/09

.

Our unplanned pregnancy seemed to be timed perfectly with our schedules because the baby would have arrived in time for me to spend the summer on sort of a maternity leave before law school. I could have stopped working just as he started working full time and our cash flow would not have been affected at all. If I was to become pregnant, now it would not be such ideal timing but it would be impossible. I recognize this but I still feel like I am supposed to have a baby now.

We definitely want to have a ton of babies… Ok maybe two or three. Moreover, like I mentioned we were VERY excited for this baby although they happened earlier that expected. We were both devastated by the loss and are still upset by it. So this is not a question of whether we want kids.

He hasn’t said out right that he does not want to try again soon. He has however said that we will “be careful”, “wear condoms”, “and have a baby when the time is right”. I on the other hand realize that it seems I feel differently so I have been very mum about this undeniable urge I have to have a baby NOW. Its killing me not to just tell him because naturally he is my best friend and I tell him EVERYTHING. I just don’t want to make him feel pressured or to feel like I’m asking him to something he doesn’t want to. Please help! How do I tell him I want to try again for a baby when we weren't trying in the first place? Thanks in advance—MisFit

Aslan · Dec 4th, 2009, 01:19 PM

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

It's not "pressuring" your DF to honestly discuss TTC. Be sure that you are prepared, however, for the rebuttals that you expect him to make. And be prepared to face the fact that he still may say "no, not now." Remember the fact that you are partners and both of your concerns must be weighted. Did your doc recommend a wait period before trying again?

MisFitJeanius · Dec 4th, 2009, 01:41 PM

Originally Posted by Aslan

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

It's not "pressuring" your DF to honestly discuss TTC. Be sure that you are prepared, however, for the rebuttals that you expect him to make. And be prepared to face the fact that he still may say "no, not now." Remember the fact that you are partners and both of your concerns must be weighted. Did your doc recommend a wait period before trying again?

The ob/gyn recommended I wait until after two periods. and I'm certainly ok with giving my body time to heal. I just get the feeling he'd rather wait until we purchase our condo (which is scheduled for 2012!) I don't think I can wait that long with this incessant urge that I am feeling now. And I know he wants me to be happy and will likely agree if I were to push it but that is NOT THE WAY to start a family. I want him to agree because he wholeheartedly feels ready. I just don't know if I can be like... Ok here's that sprite you asked for babe... Can we have a baby now? Lol. I need to stop being so sheepish. I guess I'm worried that if he doesn't agree I will feel like I just begged him to make a baby.

Aslan · Dec 4th, 2009, 01:46 PM

Telling him how you feel does not equal "begging" or "pushing." The key to relationship survival is open communication. Good luck.

MisFitJeanius · Dec 4th, 2009, 01:54 PM

Originally Posted by Aslan

Telling him how you feel does not equal "begging" or "pushing." The key to relationship survival is open communication. Good luck.

You are right. Thanks. I think I just need to get ready for the possible disappointment of a no. I don't want to push it, have him say yes and then feel like I forced him to agree.

Mrs.Clark · Dec 4th, 2009, 01:56 PM

I am terribly sorry for your loss. I know how difficult it is to go through the physical and emotional pain of a miscarriage, so you have my deepest sympathy. It sounds like you and your fiance need to have a serious conversation about this. He may not know how eager you are to try again. If you two agree to try again be sure to give yourself time to heal emotionally first as the emotional pain lasts longer than the physical.

I wish you the best regardless of the decision you and your fiance make!

MisFitJeanius · Dec 4th, 2009, 02:07 PM

Originally Posted by Mrs.Clark

I am terribly sorry for your loss. I know how difficult it is to go through the physical and emotional pain of a miscarriage, so you have my deepest sympathy. It sounds like you and your fiance need to have a serious conversation about this. He may not know how eager you are to try again. If you two agree to try again be sure to give yourself time to heal emotionally first as the emotional pain lasts longer than the physical.

I wish you the best regardless of the decision you and your fiance make!

Thanks Mrs. Clark,

I really think he has no idea. I pretty much just say "uhhuh" when he mentions having babies later usually in response to my watery eyes when we see a baby or a pregnant lady or anything related to pregnancy. We generally have an open line of communication but I have found it easier to keep what how I feel largely to myself.

Physically, I feel fine, but losing a child-- any child, even an unborn one has proven to be so emotionally taxing in a way that I wouldn't have even understood without personally experiencing it. I think that the fear of this happening again would be something that I need to work through before trying again in the next several months. I just hope he'll want to try. :-)

Thanks for the well wishes!

jenniletv · Dec 4th, 2009, 02:10 PM

I am sorry for your loss.

Maybe you should sit him and down and tell him that in a few months once you both have physically and emotionally delt with this miscarriage and have somewhat moved past this tragedy, that you would like to not try to prevent getting pregnant. In other words you do not want to use any form of birth control and if it happens then it happens and see what he says. You just have to open and honest with him.

MisFitJeanius · Dec 4th, 2009, 02:14 PM

Originally Posted by jenniletv

I am sorry for your loss.

Maybe you should sit him and down and tell him that in a few months once you both have physically and emotionally delt with this miscarriage and have somewhat moved past this tragedy, that you would like to not try to prevent getting pregnant. In other words you do not want to use any form of birth control and if it happens then it happens and see what he says. You just have to open and honest with him.

Thats a good idea. I would feel better approaching it like that-- If it happens, it happens.

shoefan · Dec 4th, 2009, 02:56 PM

I would feel remiss if I did not offer my advice as a new mom after reading your thread.

First, I, too, am sorry for your recent loss.

Emotions aside regarding wanting to be a mother, determine how important it is for you to finish law school, and if you have a set timeline for doing so.

I could not imagine balancing school/work/motherhood. It is the single most time-consuming challenge I have undertaken.

MisFitJeanius · Dec 4th, 2009, 03:07 PM

Originally Posted by shoefan

I would feel remiss if I did not offer my advice as a new mom after reading your thread.

First, I, too, am sorry for your recent loss.

Emotions aside regarding wanting to be a mother, determine how important it is for you to finish law school, and if you have a set timeline for doing so.

I could not imagine balancing school/work/motherhood. It is the single most time-consuming challenge I have undertaken.

finishing law school is definitely a top priority after my family and my health. education is extremely important so I have every intention of finishing in the three years it should take (I'd even shoot for earlier if possible

). I had planned to leave my current job a few weeks before what would have been my due date (Jun. 11) and then spend the summer before law school on what would be sort of a maternity leave before school began in late August.

Unfortunately, if I were to have my wish, the timing wouldn't be so coincidentally convenient. But thats something that (possibly irrationally) seems so insignificant compared to this undeniable urge to have a baby now.

Korilynn · Dec 4th, 2009, 03:33 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I just wanted to chime in with a couple of things! Firstly, as a PP said, having a child is really an all consuming thing. You might think you could go back to school or work after a couple of months, but honestly, that might be much harder than you realize right now. My DD is almost 11 months old, and I just went back to work last week. It is incredibly hard to leave her everyday and go to work when she is my #1 priority. IMO, if education or a career is very important to you, go ahead and do as much of it as you can before you start a family, and if possible, get established in a career if that is something you want. You are still very young, and you might think you will "go back and finish" but, then leaving that tiny baby becomes so hard! (not to say that you won't do it, I know lots of women do, but for me personally it is SO HARD to leave baby for even a few hours!)
Secondly, I also agree that you need to have a serious conversation with your fiancee. When DH and I got married, we weren't really worried about having kids for a while, but eventually after about 4 years my biological clock started ticking BIG TIME! I would ask DH every few months about having a baby and he would always say "Not right now" and change the subject. Finally, I sat down one night and said "Is it really not right now? or is it never?" DH said "I'll tell you when I'm ready " and about 8 months later he called me from work and said he was ready. And he was. We conceived DD about 5 mos later. I think he appreciated not being pressured into it, and I appreciated knowing he was doing it for himself, too and not just because I wanted a baby. I think you really need to talk to your Fiancee and tell him how you're feeling....

Aslan · Dec 4th, 2009, 03:41 PM

I can't tell you to wait til you finish school. I didn't. I gave birth to my son in my freshman year of college and finished in four years. I'm currently pregnant, finishing my Master's, working and taking care of my DS. It can be done, but it's not easy.

P.S. I'm just about your age; I just turned 24.

LV Luvr · Dec 4th, 2009, 05:02 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. Be honest and open with him. Maybe he's not ready to conceive again because he is still mourning? But regardless communication is key...GL!

tpdt · Dec 5th, 2009, 02:12 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand what your going through. I have had two miscarriages in two years because of my PCOS. I want to TTC but my fiance' says that he wants to wait. I know he wants to wait because of our fear of another miscarriage and he doesn't want to see me hurt again. I sat him down yesterday and we talked about trying again and he said if I am sure I can handle it then lets try. I know it will take a while to get pregnant again because of my PCOS but I am happy that I sat down and talked to him even though I was worried about his response being No. So sit him down and talk to him you never know maybe he has changed his mind!

Dec 4th, 2009, 11:34 AM	#1
MisFitJeanius OP Member Joined: Aug 2009 Posts: 12	How Do I Tell Him I Want to Try Again After Miscarrying Unplanned Pregnancy My Fiancée and I just experienced the miscarriage of our first pregnancy at 11 weeks on November 20th. Our pregnancy was unplanned but we were nonetheless ecstatic about it. However, my fiancée seems to want to wait to TTC, where as I feel a strong urge to TTC NOW. I am unsure how to approach the topic without feeling or sounding like I am pressuring him to conceive, being baby crazy or being over emotional and impractical. It is completely reasonable that he would want to wait because our lives are not professionally or financially “perfect” yet. However, we are certainly not doing poorly and are in a much better place than most people we know at our age. We are prepared to provide a great life for our baby. Granted-- I can't buy the $900 Gucci baby carrier that i would love but I'm sure that if I asked I would have got it as a shower gift. And by the time the baby arrived we would have EVERYTHING they need and then some. I am 23 and he is 24. He is taking the pharmacy NAPLEX in the spring and has a good job now as well as several lucrative opportunities lined up for after his exam. I have a good job now and am starting law school in the fall 2010. We are saving the down payment for our first condo and we are getting married on Monday 12/7/09 . Our unplanned pregnancy seemed to be timed perfectly with our schedules because the baby would have arrived in time for me to spend the summer on sort of a maternity leave before law school. I could have stopped working just as he started working full time and our cash flow would not have been affected at all. If I was to become pregnant, now it would not be such ideal timing but it would be impossible. I recognize this but I still feel like I am supposed to have a baby now. We definitely want to have a ton of babies… Ok maybe two or three. Moreover, like I mentioned we were VERY excited for this baby although they happened earlier that expected. We were both devastated by the loss and are still upset by it. So this is not a question of whether we want kids. He hasn’t said out right that he does not want to try again soon. He has however said that we will “be careful”, “wear condoms”, “and have a baby when the time is right”. I on the other hand realize that it seems I feel differently so I have been very mum about this undeniable urge I have to have a baby NOW. Its killing me not to just tell him because naturally he is my best friend and I tell him EVERYTHING. I just don’t want to make him feel pressured or to feel like I’m asking him to something he doesn’t want to. Please help! How do I tell him I want to try again for a baby when we weren't trying in the first place? Thanks in advance—MisFit
MisFitJeanius OP Member Joined: Aug 2009 Posts: 12

Dec 4th, 2009, 02:56 PM	#10
shoefan Member Joined: Jul 2006 Posts: 433	I would feel remiss if I did not offer my advice as a new mom after reading your thread. First, I, too, am sorry for your recent loss. Emotions aside regarding wanting to be a mother, determine how important it is for you to finish law school, and if you have a set timeline for doing so. I could not imagine balancing school/work/motherhood. It is the single most time-consuming challenge I have undertaken.
shoefan Member Joined: Jul 2006 Posts: 433

Dec 4th, 2009, 05:02 PM	#14
LV Luvr Member Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 3,182	I am so sorry for your loss. Be honest and open with him. Maybe he's not ready to conceive again because he is still mourning? But regardless communication is key...GL!
LV Luvr Member Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 3,182

Dec 5th, 2009, 02:12 PM	#15
tpdt Member Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 14	I am so sorry for your loss. I understand what your going through. I have had two miscarriages in two years because of my PCOS. I want to TTC but my fiance' says that he wants to wait. I know he wants to wait because of our fear of another miscarriage and he doesn't want to see me hurt again. I sat him down yesterday and we talked about trying again and he said if I am sure I can handle it then lets try. I know it will take a while to get pregnant again because of my PCOS but I am happy that I sat down and talked to him even though I was worried about his response being No. So sit him down and talk to him you never know maybe he has changed his mind!
tpdt Member Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 14

Dec 4th, 2009, 01:19 PM	#2
Aslan rainy Joined: Nov 2006 Location: New York City Posts: 4,491	I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's not "pressuring" your DF to honestly discuss TTC. Be sure that you are prepared, however, for the rebuttals that you expect him to make. And be prepared to face the fact that he still may say "no, not now." Remember the fact that you are partners and both of your concerns must be weighted. Did your doc recommend a wait period before trying again?

Dec 4th, 2009, 01:46 PM	#4
Aslan rainy Joined: Nov 2006 Location: New York City Posts: 4,491	Telling him how you feel does not equal "begging" or "pushing." The key to relationship survival is open communication. Good luck.

Dec 4th, 2009, 01:56 PM	#6
Mrs.Clark Happily Ever After. Joined: Aug 2009 Location: Northern Colorado Posts: 99	I am terribly sorry for your loss. I know how difficult it is to go through the physical and emotional pain of a miscarriage, so you have my deepest sympathy. It sounds like you and your fiance need to have a serious conversation about this. He may not know how eager you are to try again. If you two agree to try again be sure to give yourself time to heal emotionally first as the emotional pain lasts longer than the physical. I wish you the best regardless of the decision you and your fiance make!

Dec 4th, 2009, 02:10 PM	#8
jenniletv LV, Chanel and Coach Joined: Aug 2006 Location: Middle of Hokie Nation! Posts: 10,311	I am sorry for your loss. Maybe you should sit him and down and tell him that in a few months once you both have physically and emotionally delt with this miscarriage and have somewhat moved past this tragedy, that you would like to not try to prevent getting pregnant. In other words you do not want to use any form of birth control and if it happens then it happens and see what he says. You just have to open and honest with him.

Dec 4th, 2009, 03:33 PM	#12
Korilynn My little princess Joined: Oct 2007 Location: UK, But from FL,USA Posts: 1,313	I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to chime in with a couple of things! Firstly, as a PP said, having a child is really an all consuming thing. You might think you could go back to school or work after a couple of months, but honestly, that might be much harder than you realize right now. My DD is almost 11 months old, and I just went back to work last week. It is incredibly hard to leave her everyday and go to work when she is my #1 priority. IMO, if education or a career is very important to you, go ahead and do as much of it as you can before you start a family, and if possible, get established in a career if that is something you want. You are still very young, and you might think you will "go back and finish" but, then leaving that tiny baby becomes so hard! (not to say that you won't do it, I know lots of women do, but for me personally it is SO HARD to leave baby for even a few hours!) Secondly, I also agree that you need to have a serious conversation with your fiancee. When DH and I got married, we weren't really worried about having kids for a while, but eventually after about 4 years my biological clock started ticking BIG TIME! I would ask DH every few months about having a baby and he would always say "Not right now" and change the subject. Finally, I sat down one night and said "Is it really not right now? or is it never?" DH said "I'll tell you when I'm ready " and about 8 months later he called me from work and said he was ready. And he was. We conceived DD about 5 mos later. I think he appreciated not being pressured into it, and I appreciated knowing he was doing it for himself, too and not just because I wanted a baby. I think you really need to talk to your Fiancee and tell him how you're feeling....

Dec 4th, 2009, 03:41 PM	#13
Aslan rainy Joined: Nov 2006 Location: New York City Posts: 4,491	I can't tell you to wait til you finish school. I didn't. I gave birth to my son in my freshman year of college and finished in four years. I'm currently pregnant, finishing my Master's, working and taking care of my DS. It can be done, but it's not easy. P.S. I'm just about your age; I just turned 24.