Forcing kids to apologize?

orderandlaw · Jul 6th, 2008, 06:09 PM

On Supernanny last year, part of the discipline procedure is to put the kid in time out (the "naughty chair/step/spot"), then make the kid apologize for whatever bad thing he or she has done. I know some teachers who will expect a child to apologize for wrongdoing, particularly if it's been directed at another child. ("Olivia! No hitting! Tell Michael you're sorry!")

I am not really down with this. I am all for consequences for bad behavior, but if the kid's not sorry, forcing him/her to apologize isn't going to make him/her sorry. And I am totally not down with punishing the child further for refusing to apologize.

What do you think? Do/would you force your kids to apologize?

artjen · Jul 6th, 2008, 07:03 PM

If it is appropriate I do make my daughter apologize because it is the polite thing to do.

Danica · Jul 6th, 2008, 07:52 PM

Sure would. I'd expect my kids to have manners and I think that's important. Also you don't want to end up with a kid who does not and cannot say sorry, even when they know they are wrong. Especially if they turn into adults who cannot say sorry.

ChristyR143 · Jul 6th, 2008, 08:19 PM

Yes, I make my boys apologize. I also make the one who was hurt/offended/whatever say "I forgive you".

Mustlovedogs · Jul 6th, 2008, 08:23 PM

You bet your sweet bippy! The one and only time I EVER was called to my daughter's school was when she was in the first grade (She is entering high school next month) and she got into trouble for throwing rocks at another girl on the play ground. I went to apologize to the girl's mother myself and told her I did not take my daughter's behavior lightly and that it would NOT be happening again. Then I made my daughter write a letter of apology to the other child. She learned a valuable lesson with that!!

galligator · Jul 6th, 2008, 08:24 PM

I let my very stubborn 3.5 year-old son time-out or apologize. When he's ready to apologize he can come off time out on his own. This worked with my older girls as well. Since they all have strong wills, they were not forced before they were ready, but if they wanted to re-join the main play group, they had to show they were ready to be polite and civil. Sometimes it will end in an unplanned NAP, but when that happens, it's pretty self-corrects tired & grumpy issues as well.

Oh, and this is not 'stand against the wall' time-outs. This is quiet alone time, usually in their room. My kids like social time & will usually apologize; however, sometimes the alone time in their room or bed area is a needed break for them to regain control or spend time or simply wind down.

HauteMama · Jul 6th, 2008, 11:26 PM

Absolutely I make my children apologize. Sometimes even if they don't feel sorry for what they've done, forcing them to say it to their "victim" brings them down a notch; it reinforces that other people matter and they have feelings, too. Children are born entirely narcissistic, and that is natural. But it is our job as parents to teach them that they need to be respectful of other people.

On the other hand, I do not force them to say they forgive someone and I do not encourage them to say, "That's okay" as kids often do. It sometimes takes time to forgive someone else, and an apology often DOESN'T make everything okay. I've explained to them that they need to be respectful and acknowledge the person who apologized, but I do not force them to forgive or pretend they are no longer hurt. Indeed, sometimes it is wise for them to learn which children they ought to stay away from!

biggestbaglover · Jul 6th, 2008, 11:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by galligator

I let my very stubborn 3.5 year-old son time-out or apologize. When he's ready to apologize he can come off time out on his own. This worked with my older girls as well. Since they all have strong wills, they were not forced before they were ready, but if they wanted to re-join the main play group, they had to show they were ready to be polite and civil. Sometimes it will end in an unplanned NAP, but when that happens, it's pretty self-corrects tired & grumpy issues as well.

Oh, and this is not 'stand against the wall' time-outs. This is quiet alone time, usually in their room. My kids like social time & will usually apologize; however, sometimes the alone time in their room or bed area is a needed break for them to regain control or spend time or simply wind down.

I do the exact same thing that you do. My son is also very strong willed and this works best for him also.

twinkle.tink · Jul 6th, 2008, 11:46 PM

100% the must apologize.

Letting them choose if they should apologize or not is just wrong. It is no different than letting them choose not to go to bed or eat supper or behave appropriately. Once you allow them to make the rules, you are going downward on a slippery slope. You make the rules, you are the parent and I agree 100% with Danica:

Quote:

Sure would. I'd expect my kids to have manners and I think that's important. Also you don't want to end up with a kid who does not and cannot say sorry, even when they know they are wrong. Especially if they turn into adults who cannot say sorry.

sratsey · Jul 7th, 2008, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by galligator

I let my very stubborn 3.5 year-old son time-out or apologize. When he's ready to apologize he can come off time out on his own.

We do something like this except that in our case the TO would be a given and if no apology was given then he would stay in time out until he was ready to conduct himself in an appropriate manner.

While I don't think you can "force" a child to feel remorse, I think an apology for hurting someone is a common courtesy and just general good manners which is important at every age.

DlkinVegas · Jul 7th, 2008, 12:33 PM

Sure do! I make my 2 year old apologize. "I'm sawy momma." Even if they dont necessarily want to say it, kids know why they have to say it.

Sarsi · Jul 7th, 2008, 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by galligator

I let my very stubborn 3.5 year-old son time-out or apologize. When he's ready to apologize he can come off time out on his own. This worked with my older girls as well. Since they all have strong wills, they were not forced before they were ready, but if they wanted to re-join the main play group, they had to show they were ready to be polite and civil. Sometimes it will end in an unplanned NAP, but when that happens, it's pretty self-corrects tired & grumpy issues as well.

Oh, and this is not 'stand against the wall' time-outs. This is quiet alone time, usually in their room. My kids like social time & will usually apologize; however, sometimes the alone time in their room or bed area is a needed break for them to regain control or spend time or simply wind down.

yup me too.
this is what I do with my 3 and 4 year old girls.

merika · Jul 7th, 2008, 02:08 PM

Absolutely. They must apologize. They have to learn manners. I mean, I can let my son learn to not apologize if he doesn't want to, but fear that he might then be told to apologize by a judge or a corrections officer sometime in the future!

eviemarie · Jul 7th, 2008, 05:23 PM

My 2 year old knows straight away i don't even have to say it an she say's "sowwy mommy".
I put her on the step an it doesn't bother her. I tried her room an she just plays with her toy's. TBF she isn't a naughty child just a bit crazy sometimes.

Vegas Long Legs · Jul 7th, 2008, 08:15 PM

[quote=orderandlaw;7004779
but if the kid's not sorry, forcing him/her to apologize isn't going to make him/her sorry. And I am totally not down with punishing the child further for refusing to apologize.

What do you think? Do/would you force your kids to apologize?[/QUOTE]

Lack of empathy for others is a sociopath.

Jul 6th, 2008, 06:09 PM	#1
orderandlaw Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 282	Forcing kids to apologize? On Supernanny last year, part of the discipline procedure is to put the kid in time out (the "naughty chair/step/spot"), then make the kid apologize for whatever bad thing he or she has done. I know some teachers who will expect a child to apologize for wrongdoing, particularly if it's been directed at another child. ("Olivia! No hitting! Tell Michael you're sorry!") I am not really down with this. I am all for consequences for bad behavior, but if the kid's not sorry, forcing him/her to apologize isn't going to make him/her sorry. And I am totally not down with punishing the child further for refusing to apologize. What do you think? Do/would you force your kids to apologize?

Jul 6th, 2008, 07:52 PM	#3
Danica Angel Headed Hipster Joined: Feb 2006 Location: TN Posts: 8,246	Sure would. I'd expect my kids to have manners and I think that's important. Also you don't want to end up with a kid who does not and cannot say sorry, even when they know they are wrong. Especially if they turn into adults who cannot say sorry. __________________ Cheerleader for love

Jul 6th, 2008, 08:19 PM	#4
ChristyR143 But it was on sale!! Joined: Aug 2007 Location: Texas Posts: 2,553	Yes, I make my boys apologize. I also make the one who was hurt/offended/whatever say "I forgive you". __________________

Jul 6th, 2008, 08:23 PM	#5
Mustlovedogs The Cut N Curl Girl Joined: Apr 2007 Location: Lost Wages......babeeey! Posts: 301	You bet your sweet bippy! The one and only time I EVER was called to my daughter's school was when she was in the first grade (She is entering high school next month) and she got into trouble for throwing rocks at another girl on the play ground. I went to apologize to the girl's mother myself and told her I did not take my daughter's behavior lightly and that it would NOT be happening again. Then I made my daughter write a letter of apology to the other child. She learned a valuable lesson with that!! __________________ "I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in." "Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic!"

Jul 6th, 2008, 08:24 PM	#6
galligator Mostly Harmless Joined: Nov 2007 Posts: 663	I let my very stubborn 3.5 year-old son time-out or apologize. When he's ready to apologize he can come off time out on his own. This worked with my older girls as well. Since they all have strong wills, they were not forced before they were ready, but if they wanted to re-join the main play group, they had to show they were ready to be polite and civil. Sometimes it will end in an unplanned NAP, but when that happens, it's pretty self-corrects tired & grumpy issues as well. Oh, and this is not 'stand against the wall' time-outs. This is quiet alone time, usually in their room. My kids like social time & will usually apologize; however, sometimes the alone time in their room or bed area is a needed break for them to regain control or spend time or simply wind down. Last edited by galligator; Jul 6th, 2008 at 08:26 PM. Reason: Add

Jul 6th, 2008, 07:03 PM	#2
artjen Young @ Art Joined: Oct 2007 Location: Arizona Posts: 669	If it is appropriate I do make my daughter apologize because it is the polite thing to do.

Jul 6th, 2008, 11:26 PM	#7
HauteMama Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 3,911	Absolutely I make my children apologize. Sometimes even if they don't feel sorry for what they've done, forcing them to say it to their "victim" brings them down a notch; it reinforces that other people matter and they have feelings, too. Children are born entirely narcissistic, and that is natural. But it is our job as parents to teach them that they need to be respectful of other people. On the other hand, I do not force them to say they forgive someone and I do not encourage them to say, "That's okay" as kids often do. It sometimes takes time to forgive someone else, and an apology often DOESN'T make everything okay. I've explained to them that they need to be respectful and acknowledge the person who apologized, but I do not force them to forgive or pretend they are no longer hurt. Indeed, sometimes it is wise for them to learn which children they ought to stay away from!

Jul 7th, 2008, 12:33 PM	#11
DlkinVegas Member Joined: Jul 2006 Location: Las Vegas Posts: 1,133	Sure do! I make my 2 year old apologize. "I'm sawy momma." Even if they dont necessarily want to say it, kids know why they have to say it. __________________ “Make sure you have a different opinion and people will talk about you.” Last edited by DlkinVegas; Jul 7th, 2008 at 12:37 PM.

Jul 7th, 2008, 02:08 PM	#13
merika Sac Himalaya Joined: Nov 2006 Location: In front of a computer Posts: 7,824	Absolutely. They must apologize. They have to learn manners. I mean, I can let my son learn to not apologize if he doesn't want to, but fear that he might then be told to apologize by a judge or a corrections officer sometime in the future! __________________ I will also gladly authenticate your chocolates for you.

Jul 7th, 2008, 05:23 PM	#14
eviemarie www.designerclothing Joined: May 2007 Location: Stratford Upon Avon Posts: 1,161	My 2 year old knows straight away i don't even have to say it an she say's "sowwy mommy". I put her on the step an it doesn't bother her. I tried her room an she just plays with her toy's. TBF she isn't a naughty child just a bit crazy sometimes.

Jul 7th, 2008, 08:15 PM	#15
Vegas Long Legs Member Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Las Vegas Posts: 3,115	[quote=orderandlaw;7004779 but if the kid's not sorry, forcing him/her to apologize isn't going to make him/her sorry. And I am totally not down with punishing the child further for refusing to apologize. What do you think? Do/would you force your kids to apologize?[/QUOTE] Lack of empathy for others is a sociopath. __________________ Planning next voyage! Oct/Nov '08