DS turned one today, and...

[Rockst@r]

we are having his bday party next Saturday, since DH had to work today. Seems like I just had him, but anyway, here is my issue. In his year of life, DH's mother has seen him twice, once when he was 3 months and once sometime over the summer. She lives 10 mins away. DH has three siblings that have never seen him, and two live 10 mins away, and the third lives within walking distance. Oh and DH's father also has never seen DS, and he lives about an hour and a half away in NYC. So, of DH's 6 siblings, only three have seen DS, and of those three, one of them has only seen DS once. Now, my family is a totally different story. My mom sees both of the kids every other weekend, as I spend the night over her house, or she'll come over. I have three siblings, all of whom have seen DS/DD plenty. This whole situation is me off, because I feel like my children don't really know DH's family and they live closer than mine! DD has seen them more, but she's 6yrs old and one of DH's sisters has a child close in age, so they went to the same school for 2yrs and DD used to go over SIL's house a lot for about 3yrs.

Now his parents didn't really accept me (DH is from outside the US and I am American), but my SILs/BILs have no problems with me, and MIL and I are civil, but far from loving. His parents haven't been to ANY bday parties of my kids and they did not come to our wedding. I kind of want to cut all ties with most of them, except 2 SILs, but I don't want to put DH in the middle. Everything I've had for my kids (well DD) has all my family and friends, and DH thinks I need to get over it, as he claims it doesn't bother him (I suspect otherwise, though). As my babies get older it upsets me more and more, I guess because I grew up with all of my family on both sides, so this issue is a bitter pill for me to swallow. One SIL said, "Oh I'd tell you to drop the kids off to visit mine, but I know DS would scream the whole time!" Uhhh, ya think, jacka$$??? He doesn't know you! How do I deal with my feelings? Next week at DS's party I know I'll be annoyed all day, and my people don't care for his family (but love DH) in light of all this. DH is closer to my parents and siblings than his own!

I know I need to get over it. We've been together 11yrs and married 7yrs, and I have always been nice to his family. If BIL that lives within walking distance had a baby, I would've went to see the baby as soon as his wife was ready for company. It sure wouldn't take me a year (and counting). He was supposed to stop by to see DS for the first time today and pulled a no call/no show. AAARGH!

Sorry this was so long!

[kimberf]

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds really stressful. Is there any way you can just sort of mentally cut them out, so that it's not you making the effort, and then any time they do spent (the few times they do it), it's sort of a bonus?

[divadivine682]

oh man, that really stinks....Im so sorry to hear you're so upset over the situatuion (can't say I blame you, I'd be pissed big time too!). I think when it comes time for his birthday party, just don't let them see you sweat. Try to enjoy your little mans party, he only turns one once. **On that note, OMG! I remember reading your posts about having him!!!!! Time seriously flies!** Back to topic, THEY are missing out. Its really a shame they don't spend more time with them. Have you mentioned it to them? Or perhaps invite them over for some coffee or something....maybe once they know you've invited them over, they'll feel more comfortable coming? I know that I don't ask to go over someone's house, I will wait until I'm invited...same goes for even my dad!! He's like, "you never come over!!" "I'm like, invite me! I don't know what your schedule is like." so maybe that is preventing them?

[dell]

I'm sorry. I guess it could be worse, it could be the total opposite! They could be around so much that you want to kill them all!

[Aslan]

I felt this way about my ex's family. They were hardly around when my son was little, talked crap about me, never gave him anything but a cheap toy that broke the first day he used it, then when he was 4 years old they said they wanted to see him for Christmas. Arrggh.

Since I had already broken up with my ex, I felt more than happy to ignore their phone calls. :)

[PurseFanatic]

I would cut ties with them, they are not treating you very kindly and your kids don't need to grow up around that, and don't invite them to the party either!

[divadivine682]

Rockst@r-- any updates??

[HauteMama]

I don't generally go to someone's home unless I am invited. Have you repeatedly invited them over and they refuse or don't show? Otherwise they may be thinking the same thing about you - that they'd like to see the children, but you never invite them. Given the history that probably is not the case, but could it be a possibility?

As for cutting ties with them, I'd leave that up to your dh. Unless he agrees, it would be mean-spirited to intentionally keep his family from seeing his children. Besides, it sounds as though you wouldn't have to cut ties with them in order to not see them, so why take action that would only upset everyone further? There are members of my family that I see once a year. They live close enough that they could see us more often, but they do not. And while I don't look forward to the yearly get-togethers, I won't refuse to attend, either. I just don't think that would solve anything.

[Rockst@r]

Well, most of his siblings and his parents will not be at the party this Saturday. All of my family will be there. I fear that if the day came that his parents bothered to show up, my parents will not be nice to them. My parents hate how his parents treat us, especially our kids. I do invite his family over. I've actually done so on numerous occasions because I think family is very important. I want my kids to be equally close to both sides of their family, but I just don't think that will ever happen. DD mentioned that my mom is always around and DH's mom never bothers. It broke my heart. She loves both of them, but is definitely a million times closer to my mom, and cries everytime it's time to leave my mom's house. She adores my mom dad, and siblings. My DH loves me and the kids so completely that I find it hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he even comes from this family. If all of my family lived 10 mins away, I'd see them even more than I do now. My brothers come over and play with my kids, and they're 31 and 32, and the 32yo has no kids of his own. I am used to that kind of closeness and it burns me up that my kids will grow up feeling love on one side and not the other. I need to get over it and accept that not every family is a loving one.

[iamsmilin]

You can't change your in-laws (though I am sure plenty would love too). I would suggest you try to let it go. Be nice when you see them and be supportive of your husband but don't expect anything from them. If they come around and your parents aren't nice, well you really can't control that. On the bright side, your kids have at least one family they can be really close to.

[boxermom]

What does your DH say about this? You said you don't want to put him in the middle, but sometimes we have to talk to our parents about some of these issues.

I'm so sorry. I do know a bit about how you feel. My in-laws never liked me and always treated their other grandchildren better than ours. I hated it and it never changed. Now that we are grandparents I vowed to get along with the daughters-in-law and be as close to the grandchildren as possible although we don't live nearby.

A therapist once told me I would need to accept that some family relationships will never be the way I want them to be. I can't control what other people do or if they are jerks. It's sad because your in-laws are missing out on the special times they could be having with your children. Thank goodness your parents and family are part of your kids' lives.

No advice, but lots of hugs :-)

[Rockst@r]

Originally Posted by boxermom

What does your DH say about this? You said you don't want to put him in the middle, but sometimes we have to talk to our parents about some of these issues. I'm so sorry. I do know a bit about how you feel. My in-laws never liked me and always treated their other grandchildren better than ours. I hated it and it never changed. Now that we are grandparents I vowed to get along with the daughters-in-law and be as close to the grandchildren as possible although we don't live nearby. A therapist once told me I would need to accept that some family relationships will never be the way I want them to be. I can't control what other people do or if they are jerks. It's sad because your in-laws are missing out on the special times they could be having with your children. Thank goodness your parents and family are part of your kids' lives. No advice, but lots of hugs :-)

Thank you very much and I appreciate your kind words. DH is just resigned that his parents and family just are the way they are.

[Rockst@r]

Update: Only one brother of the six siblings showed up with his wife and 2 kids yesterday. My kids have about 15 first cousins on DH's side, all young (2yo-12yo) and his siblings didn't even send their kids over. Everyone else was from my side, and all of my family was there. I told DH how I feel and unfortunately I can't be kind to people who think nothing of my children. I have no intentions of ever going to my MIL's home again, and I will not bother to call or invite over his family.



DH had to go to his mother's to pick up his niece and nephew because SIL was "too tired" to be bothered to either come or just drop her kids off. They live 10 mins away. When DH arrived MIL refused to dress his niece so that she could come over, so only his nephew came. My DD went with DH to pick them up, so when his niece saw my DD she cried hysterically since she could not go. Now why MIL would not dress her is beyond me. MIL just told DH that the niece wasn't going, all the while his sister (niece's mom) was asleep in her room. And of course MIL had no intentions of coming to see/spend time with her grandkids. I hate my MIL. If she died tomorrow, I'd p!ss on her grave. My DD asked again why her other family, especially her other grandmother, doesn't care.



Oh and after the party, DH could not reach his sister to have her come get her son. Apparently she was too tired to come over, but must've gotten a burst of energy because she was no where to be found and would not answer her cell phone. So DH had to take his nephew back home last night. Priceless.


All I can say is, I'm done. I can try to get along when it's only about me, but when it's about my kids, all bets are off. Neither DH nor I have done anything to his family. They're just jerks, and my MIL/FIL just don't like who their son has married, simply because of my nationality. I've been friendly, respectful, forgiving and inviting for 11yrs. Game over.

[lanasyogamama]

You know what? It's their loss. Let go.

[SPOILEDkiwi]

These people sound horrible! They also sound like terrible parents so it's probably for the best that they aren't around your children.