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cupcake · Sep 22nd, 2009, 09:29 AM

This has been a topic of discussion at work and at home lately and I'd love to know what parents are doing regarding their kids' text messages.

My boyfriend has two kids and his daughter, who is 12, got a cell phone at the end of the school year last year. He promised her that if she got straight A's in sixth grade that he'd get her a phone. She did it and got her phone at the beginning of the summer. She has around 750 taking minutes and unlimited texting. So far, there have been no problems at all. She doesn't go over her talking minutes and as far as we know, there have been no texting issues. She knows that her phone is fair game to dad and she has to hand it over if dad wants to look at anything.

She told us a few weeks ago that her mom, who she now sees only twice a month, takes the phone when she goes to sleep so she can read all of her texts! I was appalled and so was my boyfriend's sister. My boyfriend didn't say much. Personally, I think that's a huge invasion of privacy. I talked to my boyfriend's daughter about phone and texting and she told me straight up: "I'd never do anything stupid or inappropriate because dad would take my phone away forever, not let me play in sports and I'd be grounded for a loooong time." She's right and she knows better.

So, we were talking at work yesterday and a couple of the ladies I work with say they do the same thing! They read all of their kids' texts. They say they do it to protect their kids and that any parent who doesn't do it is being a bad parent. In particular, one woman I work with found that her boy (14) texted a picture of his *ahem* manhood to someone at school. Keep in mind, though, that this same kid got busted for exposing himself to some neighbor kids and regularly looks at porn on the internet. I asked my co-worker if she took the phone away and she didn't. So, even though she's a "good parent" by reading all of his texts, she lets him keep the phone after she busts him doing something ILLEGAL and IMMORAL? I think that's being a horrible and irresponsible parent.

I guess this is probably something that should be decided on a kid-by-kid basis. And, let's face it, these kids are smart enough to know how to erase texts, emails and such so that mom and dad don't see. But, what do you do?

natalie78 · Sep 22nd, 2009, 09:38 AM

DH checks his son's text messages. He and I both believe that as long as he is a minor and lives in our home, he has no expectation of privacy. Your BF's daughter is 12. Her mother has every right to look at those messages. Would your stance change had she found a racy text message sent to her daughter from another person? How about if she found a threatening message sent to her daughter from a school bully?

kmarney · Sep 22nd, 2009, 09:46 AM

not yet but I do read her email and facebook!

Charles · Sep 22nd, 2009, 09:48 AM

Originally Posted by natalie78

DH checks his son's text messages. He and I both believe that as long as he is a minor and lives in our home, he has no expectation of privacy. Your BF's daughter is 12. Her mother has every right to look at those messages. Would your stance change had she found a racy text message sent to her daughter from another person? How about if she found a threatening message sent to her daughter from a school bully?

I think this is a bit much. Just cause you're a minor doesn't mean you have to give up your right to privacy. Now, if he starts misbehaving (just as if he was an adult), there are consequences, and those consequences might involve checking his text messages to make sure you're in line. As long as my son is doing well in school, and isn't misbehaving at home, I see no reason to invade his privacy. He's a person, just like me, and his age shouldn't have any bearing as to whether he feels safe that I'm not spying in on him any time I want.
As for the last part of your post, I can't control what other people text him. Hopefully, I've given him a good foundation to where he can make informed decisions, and if not, ask me for help. In a way, I feel me constantly invading his privacy would undermine that.

cupcake · Sep 22nd, 2009, 09:56 AM

Originally Posted by Charles

I think this is a bit much. Just cause you're a minor doesn't mean you have to give up your right to privacy. Now, if he starts misbehaving (just as if he was an adult), there are consequences, and those consequences might involve checking his text messages to make sure you're in line. As long as my son is doing well in school, and isn't misbehaving at home, I see no reason to invade his privacy. He's a person, just like me, and his age shouldn't have any bearing as to whether he feels safe that I'm not spying in on him any time I want.
As for the last part of your post, I can't control what other people text him. Hopefully, I've given him a good foundation to where he can make informed decisions, and if not, ask me for help. In a way, I feel me constantly invading his privacy would undermine that.

Exactly. And, Charles, you said it a lot better than I did.

I want to add, too, that my boyfriend's daughter gave me her email and Facebook passwords, as required by dad. I've never logged into either one and I have no intent on doing so unless it's necessary or unless dad requests. He would only allow her to have her own email and FB page if she shared the passwords with me.

cupcake · Sep 22nd, 2009, 10:01 AM

Originally Posted by natalie78

DH checks his son's text messages. He and I both believe that as long as he is a minor and lives in our home, he has no expectation of privacy. Your BF's daughter is 12. Her mother has every right to look at those messages. Would your stance change had she found a racy text message sent to her daughter from another person? How about if she found a threatening message sent to her daughter from a school bully?

If she received a threatening text from a bully or a racy text from some rotten kid she'd speak up immediately; she would never hide anything like that.

I agree that a mom and dad have the "right" to read texts and emails, but I still think it's an invasion of privacy to do so without cause.

juneping · Sep 22nd, 2009, 10:14 AM

this is so tough. on one hand you want to protect your children and on the other hand you want them to practice to make the right decisions.

i remember when i was little, my dad would search my room and read my dairy. just because i was his daughter doesn't mean i don't have any privacy in his house. i didn't misbehave or anything, just bc he just want all of us to be a open book in front of him. he thinks he's the father and he is entitled to all the secrets from us. i think that's why i stopped writing dairy. my mom has always been very laid back..bc she understands my dad is too much. i would always talk to my mom bc she respects me. i just never really have any desire to talk to him since he's always so annoyingly invade my privacy...just too controlling.
i really agree with charles...if nothing wrong with the kids..just leave them alone. only check if they seem suspicious.

~Fabulousity~ · Sep 22nd, 2009, 10:36 AM

Originally Posted by Charles

I think this is a bit much. Just cause you're a minor doesn't mean you have to give up your right to privacy. Now, if he starts misbehaving (just as if he was an adult), there are consequences, and those consequences might involve checking his text messages to make sure you're in line. As long as my son is doing well in school, and isn't misbehaving at home, I see no reason to invade his privacy. He's a person, just like me, and his age shouldn't have any bearing as to whether he feels safe that I'm not spying in on him any time I want.
As for the last part of your post, I can't control what other people text him. Hopefully, I've given him a good foundation to where he can make informed decisions, and if not, ask me for help. In a way, I feel me constantly invading his privacy would undermine that.

I agree with you Charles, my oldest daughter will be 14 next month and I remember being that age. Kids will be kids and as long as she's doing well in school and being responsible at home and with what freedom she is allowed I will not embarass her by going through her personal things.

Angelfangs · Sep 22nd, 2009, 11:26 AM

At random and at will........privacy is a privilege you earn when you can pay your own bills.

bisousx · Sep 22nd, 2009, 11:32 AM

Originally Posted by Charles

I think this is a bit much. Just cause you're a minor doesn't mean you have to give up your right to privacy. Now, if he starts misbehaving (just as if he was an adult), there are consequences, and those consequences might involve checking his text messages to make sure you're in line. As long as my son is doing well in school, and isn't misbehaving at home, I see no reason to invade his privacy. He's a person, just like me, and his age shouldn't have any bearing as to whether he feels safe that I'm not spying in on him any time I want.
As for the last part of your post, I can't control what other people text him. Hopefully, I've given him a good foundation to where he can make informed decisions, and if not, ask me for help. In a way, I feel me constantly invading his privacy would undermine that.

^Totally agree. I remember my mom would always invade my privacy and it hurt me a lot as a teen. The trust you can gain with your child is priceless, however, invading your child's privacy only teaches them how to hide things. It's not hard to delete a text message or just make sure they don't get saved.

meganfm · Sep 22nd, 2009, 11:39 AM

I think if you can't trust your kids with FB/cell phones/etc, you shouldn't be letting them have it. I know many parents who won't let their kids have FB, for example, because they don't want them giving out personal info.

As a child, I would be horrified if I knew my parents were reading my texts. It's not that I said things innapropriate, but just knowing my parents didn't trust me....I would be really upset by that. Of course kids don't tell their parents everything, but you should at least try to set up an environment where your kids feel they can come to you to discuss things. If like the OP mentioned, the child had been caught doing something bad, I can understand why the parents would be suspicious-but shouldn't you take away privileges instead of sneaking around the matter?

I wonder-you said your BFs daughter came and discussed this openly with you-does she have things kind of relationship with her mother?

krisluvspurses · Sep 22nd, 2009, 11:47 AM

To me, privacy is a right, not a privilege. No matter what your age is.
While my DS is only 7 right now, I know that I will not be going into his texts or FB or whatever unless I feel like something is not right. Why would I want to upset my child by making him feel I don't trust him? I think this would harm a relationship more than help. And I hope I'm raising him to know he can come to me for anything, no matter what.

valjo · Sep 22nd, 2009, 11:49 AM

Originally Posted by Charles

I think this is a bit much. Just cause you're a minor doesn't mean you have to give up your right to privacy. Now, if he starts misbehaving (just as if he was an adult), there are consequences, and those consequences might involve checking his text messages to make sure you're in line. As long as my son is doing well in school, and isn't misbehaving at home, I see no reason to invade his privacy. He's a person, just like me, and his age shouldn't have any bearing as to whether he feels safe that I'm not spying in on him any time I want.
As for the last part of your post, I can't control what other people text him. Hopefully, I've given him a good foundation to where he can make informed decisions, and if not, ask me for help. In a way, I feel me constantly invading his privacy would undermine that.

Agree also. I don't have kids but I was in highschool a year and a half ago and I HATED when I felt my privacy was invaded. It made me seek solitude even more and resent my parents, as well as rejoice whenever they left. I don't think that is a healthy way of thinking. I think everyone deserves some amount of privacy. Also, I'm not sure what the parents think they are accomplishing as there IS a delete button.

*Also forgot to add that a son/daughter can be bullied or sexually harassed WITHOUT a phone. Are you prepared to follow them around all school day to protect them?

jenniletv · Sep 22nd, 2009, 12:21 PM

I don't have kids yet, but I would like to be able to give them some privacy unless an issue arrises where I need to intervene and know what is going on.

buzzytoes · Sep 22nd, 2009, 12:31 PM

How many times do you hear in the news about kids who have run away to meet someone who they met on the internet and end up getting sucked into something way beyond their ability to handle? No it doesn't happen often but usually when it does the parents are saying "I had no idea anything like this was going on. Susie always did her homework, yada, yada."

I am of two minds about it. You want to trust your kids but at the same you want to protect them. Everyone likes to think "Oh my child would never do that" but think back to your own childhood, about how many things you have done without your parents knowing?? I know there was a time when I was 16 that I snuck out with a friend and went to a guy's house that we had just met that night. There were about seven guys at the house and the only two girls were my friend and I. INCREDIBLY stupid and the only time I had done anything like that. Luckily nothing happened but whose to say the situation might have ended differently on any given night?

I guess as far as I'm concerned my children's phones, computers, etc. will be fair game. Whether or not I would actually check anything will be dependent on their behavior but they will be made well aware that I reserve the right to snoop into their lives at any time by any means possibly. I have no kids so take that for what it's worth!

View Poll Results: Do you read your child's text messages?
Always	1	14.29%
Never	1	14.29%
Occasionally, just to make sure junior is behaving	5	71.43%
Voters: 7. You may not vote on this poll

Sep 22nd, 2009, 09:29 AM	#1
cupcake OP ♥ is loving life ♥ Joined: May 2006 Posts: 3,365	Do you read your child's text messages? This has been a topic of discussion at work and at home lately and I'd love to know what parents are doing regarding their kids' text messages. My boyfriend has two kids and his daughter, who is 12, got a cell phone at the end of the school year last year. He promised her that if she got straight A's in sixth grade that he'd get her a phone. She did it and got her phone at the beginning of the summer. She has around 750 taking minutes and unlimited texting. So far, there have been no problems at all. She doesn't go over her talking minutes and as far as we know, there have been no texting issues. She knows that her phone is fair game to dad and she has to hand it over if dad wants to look at anything. She told us a few weeks ago that her mom, who she now sees only twice a month, takes the phone when she goes to sleep so she can read all of her texts! I was appalled and so was my boyfriend's sister. My boyfriend didn't say much. Personally, I think that's a huge invasion of privacy. I talked to my boyfriend's daughter about phone and texting and she told me straight up: "I'd never do anything stupid or inappropriate because dad would take my phone away forever, not let me play in sports and I'd be grounded for a loooong time." She's right and she knows better. So, we were talking at work yesterday and a couple of the ladies I work with say they do the same thing! They read all of their kids' texts. They say they do it to protect their kids and that any parent who doesn't do it is being a bad parent. In particular, one woman I work with found that her boy (14) texted a picture of his ahem manhood to someone at school. Keep in mind, though, that this same kid got busted for exposing himself to some neighbor kids and regularly looks at porn on the internet. I asked my co-worker if she took the phone away and she didn't. So, even though she's a "good parent" by reading all of his texts, she lets him keep the phone after she busts him doing something ILLEGAL and IMMORAL? I think that's being a horrible and irresponsible parent. I guess this is probably something that should be decided on a kid-by-kid basis. And, let's face it, these kids are smart enough to know how to erase texts, emails and such so that mom and dad don't see. But, what do you do?

Sep 22nd, 2009, 09:38 AM	#2
natalie78 Dave's not here Joined: May 2008 Location: Texas Posts: 1,669	DH checks his son's text messages. He and I both believe that as long as he is a minor and lives in our home, he has no expectation of privacy. Your BF's daughter is 12. Her mother has every right to look at those messages. Would your stance change had she found a racy text message sent to her daughter from another person? How about if she found a threatening message sent to her daughter from a school bully?
	__________________ I consider myself a good judge of people and that's why I don't like any of them. ~Roseanne

Sep 22nd, 2009, 10:14 AM	#7
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,345	this is so tough. on one hand you want to protect your children and on the other hand you want them to practice to make the right decisions. i remember when i was little, my dad would search my room and read my dairy. just because i was his daughter doesn't mean i don't have any privacy in his house. i didn't misbehave or anything, just bc he just want all of us to be a open book in front of him. he thinks he's the father and he is entitled to all the secrets from us. i think that's why i stopped writing dairy. my mom has always been very laid back..bc she understands my dad is too much. i would always talk to my mom bc she respects me. i just never really have any desire to talk to him since he's always so annoyingly invade my privacy...just too controlling. i really agree with charles...if nothing wrong with the kids..just leave them alone. only check if they seem suspicious.
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Sep 22nd, 2009, 11:26 AM	#9
Angelfangs Member Joined: Jan 2009 Posts: 65	At random and at will........privacy is a privilege you earn when you can pay your own bills.
Angelfangs Member Joined: Jan 2009 Posts: 65

Sep 22nd, 2009, 09:46 AM	#3
kmarney Member Joined: Sep 2007 Location: Kansas Posts: 204	not yet but I do read her email and facebook!

Sep 22nd, 2009, 11:39 AM	#11
meganfm Member Joined: Oct 2008 Location: Vancouver Posts: 1,605	I think if you can't trust your kids with FB/cell phones/etc, you shouldn't be letting them have it. I know many parents who won't let their kids have FB, for example, because they don't want them giving out personal info. As a child, I would be horrified if I knew my parents were reading my texts. It's not that I said things innapropriate, but just knowing my parents didn't trust me....I would be really upset by that. Of course kids don't tell their parents everything, but you should at least try to set up an environment where your kids feel they can come to you to discuss things. If like the OP mentioned, the child had been caught doing something bad, I can understand why the parents would be suspicious-but shouldn't you take away privileges instead of sneaking around the matter? I wonder-you said your BFs daughter came and discussed this openly with you-does she have things kind of relationship with her mother?
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Sep 22nd, 2009, 11:47 AM	#12
krisluvspurses Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 1,411	To me, privacy is a right, not a privilege. No matter what your age is. While my DS is only 7 right now, I know that I will not be going into his texts or FB or whatever unless I feel like something is not right. Why would I want to upset my child by making him feel I don't trust him? I think this would harm a relationship more than help. And I hope I'm raising him to know he can come to me for anything, no matter what.
krisluvspurses Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 1,411

Sep 22nd, 2009, 12:21 PM	#14
jenniletv Banned for Baby! Joined: Aug 2006 Location: Middle of Hokie Nation! Posts: 5,513	I don't have kids yet, but I would like to be able to give them some privacy unless an issue arrises where I need to intervene and know what is going on.
	__________________

Sep 22nd, 2009, 12:31 PM	#15
buzzytoes Whackaloon Joined: Jun 2008 Location: Hockeygasmic! Posts: 3,064	How many times do you hear in the news about kids who have run away to meet someone who they met on the internet and end up getting sucked into something way beyond their ability to handle? No it doesn't happen often but usually when it does the parents are saying "I had no idea anything like this was going on. Susie always did her homework, yada, yada." I am of two minds about it. You want to trust your kids but at the same you want to protect them. Everyone likes to think "Oh my child would never do that" but think back to your own childhood, about how many things you have done without your parents knowing?? I know there was a time when I was 16 that I snuck out with a friend and went to a guy's house that we had just met that night. There were about seven guys at the house and the only two girls were my friend and I. INCREDIBLY stupid and the only time I had done anything like that. Luckily nothing happened but whose to say the situation might have ended differently on any given night? I guess as far as I'm concerned my children's phones, computers, etc. will be fair game. Whether or not I would actually check anything will be dependent on their behavior but they will be made well aware that I reserve the right to snoop into their lives at any time by any means possibly. I have no kids so take that for what it's worth!
	__________________ My favorite Lange-isms 3. Get in the fast lane Grandma, the bingo game is ready to roll!! 2. Slap me silly Sidney!! 1. She wants to sell my monkey! Lord Stanley, Lord Stanley, bring me the brandy!!!

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