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rbaby · Oct 22nd, 2009, 10:58 AM

Originally Posted by Nola

I love (and hate) being home right now. What I love; the schedule; I can make it myself. I get to see my daughter so much it feels impossible to love her anymore. Hate: Everyday is the same, there are no holidays.

My feelings exactly!!!
As far as luxuries are concerned- yes, I did have to cut back, but at the same time I have found that I don't need or even want as many luxury items as I did before the baby. I have an extensive handbag collection (maybe not compared to some of you, but rather large for me), and I find that I rarely get to use some of my favorite bags. We don't go out to eat as much, but I like having dinner at home and creating that "everyone meets at the table for dinner to discuss their day" tradition. Not going out to eat as much also means that I don't need as many "dress up" clothes. And as far as travel is concerned, my desire to sail around the world has morphed into a desire to take our baby places that are engaging and enriching for him.

In short, I guess my perspective on what I need and want to be happy has changed since having a baby.

Aslan · Oct 22nd, 2009, 11:00 AM

Originally Posted by Blondee178

I'm so glad I bumped into this thread. DF and I have discussed my being a SAHM and it freaks me out!! It would be such a huge transition for me. I've been working since i was 14 yrs old and am not comfortable depending on someone else for everything. Have any of you ever felt like this? If so, how did you overcome it?

I feel the same way. I'm not seriously entertaining the thought of being an SAHM at the moment, but it has crossed my mind. I have had a job since I was 14, as well, and I have a serious phobia about being unemployed, lol.

sweetneet · Oct 22nd, 2009, 11:14 AM

Originally Posted by Blondee178

I'm so glad I bumped into this thread. DF and I have discussed my being a SAHM and it freaks me out!! It would be such a huge transition for me. I've been working since i was 14 yrs old and am not comfortable depending on someone else for everything. Have any of you ever felt like this? If so, how did you overcome it?

for sure i had these feelings....i am definitely not the type of woman who always wanted to be a SAHM, like my mom was..i went to graduate school for 6 years to get my PhD and I was always determined to have a career and be financially independent, etc. though when we moved to another state last year I couldn't find a job for a while b/c that's when the economy tanked and i had to depend on DH for several months, before i found some part-time work. it was a rough transition for me because I hated not being able to make my own $$. my DH didn't mind at all and he kept insisting that he didn't mind paying for this and that, we could still easily afford stuff but it still bothered me. also the lack of day-to-day interaction (e.g. going out to lunch with coworkers, etc) was almost unbearable for me at first, since i was so used to that.. but eventually with time I got accustomed, and i made new friends, etc. I think it helps that i have gotten accustomed to staying at home & being fairly isolated for a while, so when the baby is born it won't be a complete shock. But i know what you mean, i think it will still be a big change for me..i'm not sure if i'm "cut out" to be a SAHM. I just hope I can do it for at least 6 months-1 year or so, before i feel comfortable putting him in a daycare.

Blondee178 · Oct 22nd, 2009, 11:37 AM

^^ I'm so glad i'm not the only one. I felt awful because my reasons were so selfish! I was thinking about the same time range as you sweetneet. I figured i could try it for a year and see how i adjust.

Bags4Bubbles · Oct 22nd, 2009, 03:01 PM

Originally Posted by Blondee178

I'm so glad I bumped into this thread. DF and I have discussed my being a SAHM and it freaks me out!! It would be such a huge transition for me. I've been working since i was 14 yrs old and am not comfortable depending on someone else for everything. Have any of you ever felt like this? If so, how did you overcome it?

I understand what you mean, I've worked some kind of job since I was 15 and I've been used to getting what I want without much deliberation. I've owned my own business, completed two business degrees, and feel better when I'm obtaining goals. When we first got married, I wondered how I was ever going to surrender that independence to "just stay at home". DH & I had talked about it numerous times, and we both knew before we were even married that me staying at home when our kids were young was very important to use both. (My mom was able to stay home with us and I enjoyed that, and his mom wasn't able to... so he was a latch key kid, and our combined experiences made it a top priority for us.)

So basically in our conversations, even very early on while we were dating or early in our marriage before kids were on our agenda, we had alot of talks about it that really helped to ease my mind. His stance is that if I'm a SAHM, I have a job and that job is for the good of our family. So he doesn't mind taking care of my "needs" per say, because I'm doing a job that is benefiting our family as a whole.

Once we had a number of these good conversations... I was able to look at it less as "relying" or "depending" on him, and more like I was a fulfilling a duty just as his is getting up and going to work every morning. I think it *may be* all a matter of how you and your SO look at the situation.

missbanff · Oct 22nd, 2009, 04:51 PM

Originally Posted by Blondee178

I'm so glad I bumped into this thread. DF and I have discussed my being a SAHM and it freaks me out!! It would be such a huge transition for me. I've been working since i was 14 yrs old and am not comfortable depending on someone else for everything. Have any of you ever felt like this? If so, how did you overcome it?

I did - but I soon came to realize that you work your ass off when you're a SAHM! Then I understood what my contributions to the household were-and that they are equally as important, even if I didn't get a "paycheck", so to speak.

Fishfood · Oct 22nd, 2009, 04:54 PM

Depends on HOW you deal with your money, I think. I know a couple that makes a comparably small combined income (non-profits & such) but they do well, and truly enjoy their life! And I know a couple that makes ridiculous money that can't manage it for the life of them, always in debt and fighting! So I think expectations and management is key.

missbanff · Oct 22nd, 2009, 04:54 PM

Originally Posted by sweetneet

for sure i had these feelings....i am definitely not the type of woman who always wanted to be a SAHM, like my mom was..i went to graduate school for 6 years to get my PhD and I was always determined to have a career and be financially independent, etc. though when we moved to another state last year I couldn't find a job for a while b/c that's when the economy tanked and i had to depend on DH for several months, before i found some part-time work. it was a rough transition for me because I hated not being able to make my own $$. my DH didn't mind at all and he kept insisting that he didn't mind paying for this and that, we could still easily afford stuff but it still bothered me. also the lack of day-to-day interaction (e.g. going out to lunch with coworkers, etc) was almost unbearable for me at first, since i was so used to that.. but eventually with time I got accustomed, and i made new friends, etc. I think it helps that i have gotten accustomed to staying at home & being fairly isolated for a while, so when the baby is born it won't be a complete shock. But i know what you mean, i think it will still be a big change for me..i'm not sure if i'm "cut out" to be a SAHM. I just hope I can do it for at least 6 months-1 year or so, before i feel comfortable putting him in a daycare.

That was TOTALLY how I felt - the first couple weeks I was home with the baby, I couldn't wait to get back to work. Then they start to smile, to develop little personalities.....and it ripped my heart out to think of leaving him.

Just realize that everyone is different, and you should NOT feel guilty if you decide to go back to your career. Whatever choice you make will be the best one for you.

LV Luvr · Oct 22nd, 2009, 05:49 PM

Thanks ladies all of these are great posts!! Thanks for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it!

lulilu · Oct 22nd, 2009, 11:37 PM

I did it for 9 months after my eldest daughter was born. Money was not an issue, but I found I was just not cut out for being at home all day. I was bored (sorry).

Also, I do find it more comfortable to be financially independent and prefer to have my own money. I've known too many women who gave up their careers to be faced 10-15 years later, divorced, and trying to figure out how to support themselves.

Maybe it's a fiction I created to assuage any guilt, but I tried to make my time with the kids quality time.

berryblondeboys · Oct 25th, 2009, 05:02 PM

I'll chime in a bit. I've been a stay at home mom for the last 6 years. I NEVER thought I would be a stay at home mom. And while i know it's better for the family and even for me (I did the home/family career juggle before), it's tough to be X's wife and Y's Mom and not much more than that. It's really easy to lose yourself and your identity.

To keep from wanting to buy - I just don't look. My clothes are always covered in kid crud, so I don't even want to spend much on them and by now everything in my professional wardrobe is completely outdated and will be donated to charity. For my kids, I only look at TJMaxx and Marshalls and used kid stores. And they are well dressed kids! Gymboree are their cheaper clothes. I just hit sales and those used clothes stores.

If I'm at home, it's hard to justify going out to eat more than once in awhile too. I cook most things from scratch with ordering pizza on their monday carry out special being our treat.

It is tough, really tough and there are days I wonder, "why did I choose this?" But the fact is, they are young for so short a time and before you know it, they don't need your constant care any more and you get your life back. My career can pick back up later as can nice clothes and dinners out. I would feel awful about my prioritizing abilities if I chose fancy clothes and luxuries over raising my own kids.

I treat myself to one bag two a year in the midpriced range and I only get it on a big sale - like a $600 bag for $300 or something like that.

My husband works for the government, so his salary will never be sky high. It's enough for us to live in a moderate priced home, to have a decent car (not fancy) and to be able live moderately - not luxuriously.

One thing I would do differently is to have my own money. I hate feeling like I'm spending "his" money. i would like a fun fund to be set aside to my own private bank account for me to use however I please. I HATE having to explain every dolllar becase he does the bills and not me. Everyone needs to have some freedom with that.

lv lover steph · Oct 25th, 2009, 09:53 PM

I don't know if I should chime in or not but my hat is off to all SAHM!! I stayed at home for 5 months when my baby was born and it was amazing, rewarding, loved seeing him all the time but I REALLY struggled with feeling like I was spending my DHs money (my issue, not his) and missed the contact I had had for so long. I actually got a great opportunity my way and now work from home with childcare so I have the best of both worlds.

For me, the tough things were 'spending' someone else's money which my DH would get so mad about... he would say that I worked harder, desserved it, blah, blah, blah but it never felt okay to me. That was a struggle as was getting 'me' time. They say that mom's need at least one day out a week without kids for girl time and again I felt guilty. I can attribute that to my first baby but if I ever did it again, I would try to happily spend OUR money and to have someone come in for a girls lunch out every week.

Best of luck to you... I think there is probably nothing better and more rewarding than staying at home.

nvie · Oct 25th, 2009, 10:28 PM

Same thoughts as lulilu, my mom thought me to be financially independent as she brought up my brother and I single handedly. I truly respect her for that.

I don't think I am able to be a full time housewife, I'll be bored and most of all out of touch. However, I could consider working half day, if there's an opportunity.

I am lucky to be able to work while my mom and housemaid takes care of our son and I still spend quality time at home with my baby and husband. Most importantly, I want to spend my own money without guilt and save money just in case!

dell · Oct 28th, 2009, 03:55 AM

I buy a bag here and there, but not anything like I used to. It will be worth it, your little one needs you!

tabbyco · Oct 28th, 2009, 02:38 PM

Great thread!!

DH and I are having the same conversation. I found this calculator that tells you if you can stay home and cover expenses. http://www.parents.com/app/stayathomecalculator/ You can manipulate it how you want... so if you think you are going to cut back on stuff you can adjust it... so we came to a figure that I would need to make w/o changing our lifestyle at all (eating out, vacations, etc.) and I will cover the difference part-time at home. This way I keep my hand in my career (commerical real estate) and bring in a little, but the majority of my time will be w/baby.

In theory it sounds great for us... I just wonder if it will really work as well as it sounds. I hope so!

Originally Posted by lv lover steph

I actually got a great opportunity my way and now work from home with childcare so I have the best of both worlds.

Does this work well? This is what we are considering... But not w/full time childcare, only 4 hours a day.

Oct 22nd, 2009, 11:37 AM	#19
Blondee178 World Series 2009!!! Joined: Dec 2008 Posts: 447	^^ I'm so glad i'm not the only one. I felt awful because my reasons were so selfish! I was thinking about the same time range as you sweetneet. I figured i could try it for a year and see how i adjust.
	__________________ Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect... It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.

Oct 22nd, 2009, 04:54 PM	#22
Fishfood STILL Abby Fabby! Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 2,870	Depends on HOW you deal with your money, I think. I know a couple that makes a comparably small combined income (non-profits & such) but they do well, and truly enjoy their life! And I know a couple that makes ridiculous money that can't manage it for the life of them, always in debt and fighting! So I think expectations and management is key.
Fishfood STILL Abby Fabby! Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 2,870	__________________ Baby Fish is here!! *WISHLIST: a pretty little crystal Judith Leiber minaudière*

Oct 22nd, 2009, 05:49 PM	#24
LV Luvr OP Member Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,302	Thanks ladies all of these are great posts!! Thanks for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it!
LV Luvr OP Member Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,302

Oct 22nd, 2009, 11:37 PM	#25
lulilu Member Joined: Mar 2006 Posts: 8,510	I did it for 9 months after my eldest daughter was born. Money was not an issue, but I found I was just not cut out for being at home all day. I was bored (sorry). Also, I do find it more comfortable to be financially independent and prefer to have my own money. I've known too many women who gave up their careers to be faced 10-15 years later, divorced, and trying to figure out how to support themselves. Maybe it's a fiction I created to assuage any guilt, but I tried to make my time with the kids quality time.
lulilu Member Joined: Mar 2006 Posts: 8,510

Oct 25th, 2009, 05:02 PM	#26
berryblondeboys Member Joined: Sep 2007 Location: VA (DC Burbs) Posts: 2,822	I'll chime in a bit. I've been a stay at home mom for the last 6 years. I NEVER thought I would be a stay at home mom. And while i know it's better for the family and even for me (I did the home/family career juggle before), it's tough to be X's wife and Y's Mom and not much more than that. It's really easy to lose yourself and your identity. To keep from wanting to buy - I just don't look. My clothes are always covered in kid crud, so I don't even want to spend much on them and by now everything in my professional wardrobe is completely outdated and will be donated to charity. For my kids, I only look at TJMaxx and Marshalls and used kid stores. And they are well dressed kids! Gymboree are their cheaper clothes. I just hit sales and those used clothes stores. If I'm at home, it's hard to justify going out to eat more than once in awhile too. I cook most things from scratch with ordering pizza on their monday carry out special being our treat. It is tough, really tough and there are days I wonder, "why did I choose this?" But the fact is, they are young for so short a time and before you know it, they don't need your constant care any more and you get your life back. My career can pick back up later as can nice clothes and dinners out. I would feel awful about my prioritizing abilities if I chose fancy clothes and luxuries over raising my own kids. I treat myself to one bag two a year in the midpriced range and I only get it on a big sale - like a $600 bag for $300 or something like that. My husband works for the government, so his salary will never be sky high. It's enough for us to live in a moderate priced home, to have a decent car (not fancy) and to be able live moderately - not luxuriously. One thing I would do differently is to have my own money. I hate feeling like I'm spending "his" money. i would like a fun fund to be set aside to my own private bank account for me to use however I please. I HATE having to explain every dolllar becase he does the bills and not me. Everyone needs to have some freedom with that.
	__________________ When you teach your son, you teach your son's son. ~The Talmud

Oct 25th, 2009, 09:53 PM	#27
lv lover steph Member Joined: Jun 2006 Posts: 1,871	I don't know if I should chime in or not but my hat is off to all SAHM!! I stayed at home for 5 months when my baby was born and it was amazing, rewarding, loved seeing him all the time but I REALLY struggled with feeling like I was spending my DHs money (my issue, not his) and missed the contact I had had for so long. I actually got a great opportunity my way and now work from home with childcare so I have the best of both worlds. For me, the tough things were 'spending' someone else's money which my DH would get so mad about... he would say that I worked harder, desserved it, blah, blah, blah but it never felt okay to me. That was a struggle as was getting 'me' time. They say that mom's need at least one day out a week without kids for girl time and again I felt guilty. I can attribute that to my first baby but if I ever did it again, I would try to happily spend OUR money and to have someone come in for a girls lunch out every week. Best of luck to you... I think there is probably nothing better and more rewarding than staying at home.
lv lover steph Member Joined: Jun 2006 Posts: 1,871	__________________ Jump into spring with the NEW line from Silpada! 39 NEW pieces to share! See my website - www.mysilpada.com/stephanie.titzel Mention TPF and save 15%!!

Oct 25th, 2009, 10:28 PM	#28
nvie :) Joined: Oct 2006 Location: Asia Posts: 402	Same thoughts as lulilu, my mom thought me to be financially independent as she brought up my brother and I single handedly. I truly respect her for that. I don't think I am able to be a full time housewife, I'll be bored and most of all out of touch. However, I could consider working half day, if there's an opportunity. I am lucky to be able to work while my mom and housemaid takes care of our son and I still spend quality time at home with my baby and husband. Most importantly, I want to spend my own money without guilt and save money just in case!
nvie :) Joined: Oct 2006 Location: Asia Posts: 402	__________________

Oct 28th, 2009, 03:55 AM	#29
dell Member Joined: May 2007 Location: Colorado Posts: 5,433	I buy a bag here and there, but not anything like I used to. It will be worth it, your little one needs you!
	__________________ ~Danielle~

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