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Apr 18, 2012, 12:10pm   #16
Bag Fetish's Avatar
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Bag Fetish
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I too have had a step parent mother (2) and a step father .. So i'm aware of what its like to a step child...
Also having the step mothers yes both from H3LL I vowed to never be one. Step parent from H3ll that is.

If anything i'm more lax with my kids because of it. One because I dont feel they should do everything while the others sit on their butts and do so much less.

I didnt have a part in their parenting and although now at 17, 18 its hard to insill values on these kids I keep at them.
They dont listen to me so I have come to the point of not wasting me energy. It bothers me that Dad doesnt see it. But he pays the bills so my hands are tied. I am for taken granted of by his kids and feel I am then maid but I stand it as long as I can before I have to clean because I cant stand it.

I have never had to deal with kids that dont do as they are asked. My kids move when I tell the to I take away what they are doing ... I love controlling the internet and cell phones :)

The other two just have no respect and it is showing, trust me if I saw this side before moving in I would still have my own place.
Too late for that now!

these kids dont respect their father or their mother. What hurts me most is that and they dont respect what he works hard for, a roof over their head and food on the table. He puts his life on the line everyday to provide for them and that dont see it. They have had their way for so long they hate it now that they cant get away with as much now but they still do.

I know i'm just venting.. i'm not asking for a resolution because its too late for that. Its more about me dealing with this for the next 4-5 yrs while they finish school.college.
Apr 18, 2012, 12:38pm   #17
v
vhdos
Member
Respect works both ways and it sounds to me like you lack just as much respect for them as they do for you.
I understand that it's difficult for you, but I have a hard time believing that this all comes as a surprise to you. How long have you been in the relationship before moving in together? Bad attitudes are something that you can typically spot a mile away (especially, when it comes to teens).
Have you thought about family counseling? Sounds like everyone involved could benefit from it. I used to teach parenting classes and we often addressed issues like these because they are pretty common among families where there are step-parents/children involved. I'm sorry that you are going through this - I know it's not easy. I do wish you the best and hope that things can get better
Apr 18, 2012, 12:42pm   #18
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Bag Fetish
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Originally Posted by vhdos
Respect works both ways and it sounds to me like you lack just as much respect for them as they do for you.
I understand that it's difficult for you, but I have a difficult time believing that this all comes as a surprise to you. How long have you been in the relationship before moving in together? Bad attitudes are something that you can typically spot a mile away....
thanks for the threapy session...

Obviously since my kids respect me that isnt the issue.
When you ask someone to do something with please at the end.. and they go to their room and sit in front of the computer that isnt respect.
They sit their until their father asks them time after time and they still remain in their room that isnt respect.

No I will not engage in family therapy for many reasons which i wont go into. Teaching a parenting class and actually living and dealing with teenagers.. step kids is a whole other ball of wax.. you can lay a foundation but thats about it.

You see when you visit with kids, spend then night kids act different then when you move in with them... because you see it is their house.. you are the visitor no matter what... so yes a lot of the behaviour wasnt seen by me.
Apr 18, 2012, 1:19pm   #19
v
vhdos
Member
^Um, okay. I wasn't offering you a therapy session. In fact, I offered you very little advice at all, outside of the fact that I mentioned that family counseling might be beneficial.
Oh, and I am a parent (of two), not just someone who used to teach parenting classes. Clearly, you seem to have your situation under control, so again, I will wish you the best and leave this thread.
May 17, 2012, 10:10pm   #20
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nevereverenough
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I think it's normal. Plus there maybe a small lack or difference in parenting from their mom. I too am in the same "boat". There is NO concept of money. They think they deserve a brand new $40,000 car-because (as we were told) they didn't ask to be born but now they are here so we MUST provide for them. I thought thats what we were doing w/ the roof over their heads, clothes, & food! At 15 my DH son started to look at him like 'how in Gods name have you made it this far in life and still be alive-because you are utterly stupid'. They want expensive electronics-1/2 of which they don't want after they get it. But their friends have it so they do to. And why cant they have $$$ every Friday and Saturday to hang out with their friends? And even think about giving them less than $20. The thought of having do something-like pick up after themselves-please! So chores are out of the question! If you ask them-if they do it-it's alway when they get to it. So my idea on that one has become ok fine let's see how long it takes to do it. Say an hour-ok. Oh because you can't keep good grades/attendance to have a drivers license you need a ride where (?) and at what time?? Ok. So we need to leave here at 5pm? well 5pm rolls around and I'm still " getting ready" ( watching tv on the sofa) and we leave at 6pm-an hour later. So they get all upset :( boo hoo. My response-you wasted an hour of my time having to wait on you to do what your asked...so I waste an hour of yours!!! And guess what??? I'm the b*tch?!?!
May 17, 2012, 10:22pm   #21
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Bag Fetish
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Originally Posted by nevereverenough
I think it's normal. Plus there maybe a small lack or difference in parenting from their mom. I too am in the same "boat". There is NO concept of money. They think they deserve a brand new $40,000 car-because (as we were told) they didn't ask to be born but now they are here so we MUST provide for them. I thought thats what we were doing w/ the roof over their heads, clothes, & food! At 15 my DH son started to look at him like 'how in Gods name have you made it this far in life and still be alive-because you are utterly stupid'. They want expensive electronics-1/2 of which they don't want after they get it. But their friends have it so they do to. And why cant they have $$$ every Friday and Saturday to hang out with their friends? And even think about giving them less than $20. The thought of having do something-like pick up after themselves-please! So chores are out of the question! If you ask them-if they do it-it's alway when they get to it. So my idea on that one has become ok fine let's see how long it takes to do it. Say an hour-ok. Oh because you can't keep good grades/attendance to have a drivers license you need a ride where (?) and at what time?? Ok. So we need to leave here at 5pm? well 5pm rolls around and I'm still " getting ready" ( watching tv on the sofa) and we leave at 6pm-an hour later. So they get all upset :( boo hoo. My response-you wasted an hour of my time having to wait on you to do what your asked...so I waste an hour of yours!!! And guess what??? I'm the b*tch?!?!
I agree providing for them is the essentails .. Food/clothing/warm place to sleep.
Beyond that you earn.. Ie respect, chores, a part time job,
as you say good grades and getting an education.

I think the biggest thing is the lack of respect. When an 18 yr old tells a parent to prove they are doing something.. Sorry as the parent and paying the bills I dont have to prove anything...

Like you say they want everything and when they have it, they have no use for it. They want what their friends have..

I just shake my head...
May 18, 2012, 5:07pm   #22
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nevereverenough
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Originally Posted by Bag Fetish

I agree providing for them is the essentails .. Food/clothing/warm place to sleep.
Beyond that you earn.. Ie respect, chores, a part time job,
as you say good grades and getting an education.

I think the biggest thing is the lack of respect. When an 18 yr old tells a parent to prove they are doing something.. Sorry as the parent and paying the bills I dont have to prove anything...

Like you say they want everything and when they have it, they have no use for it. They want what their friends have..

I just shake my head...
AMEN to that!!
May 19, 2012, 9:28am   #23
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LeeMiller
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Hire a maid and have your husband pay for it. Seriously. Or just stop cleaning their mess. If their mess gets in the main areas of the house - I don't know leave your husband's underwear all over the place when they have friend's over? I sounds like a miserable situation because your husband isn't respecting your wants and needs.
May 19, 2012, 5:04pm   #24
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Bag Fetish
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Originally Posted by LeeMiller
Hire a maid and have your husband pay for it. Seriously. Or just stop cleaning their mess. If their mess gets in the main areas of the house - I don't know leave your husband's underwear all over the place when they have friend's over? I sounds like a miserable situation because your husband isn't respecting your wants and needs.
Hiring a maid is just making it easy for the lazy kids.. Thus the reason they dont do anything .. until I came into the picture they had one . I find it a waste of money when you have kids that are perfectly able to do that work.
Issue its not enforced and not by me.
its a no win situation...
May 20, 2012, 1:22pm   #25
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LeeMiller
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Originally Posted by Bag Fetish

Hiring a maid is just making it easy for the lazy kids.. Thus the reason they dont do anything .. until I came into the picture they had one . I find it a waste of money when you have kids that are perfectly able to do that work.
Issue its not enforced and not by me.
its a no win situation...
I was just thinking about making things easier for you! If your husband won't support discipline at least you won't be resentful about cleaning up after them.
May 20, 2012, 7:45pm   #26
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lulilu
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If your husband won't make them pick up after themselves, let him pay for a maid. Why should you be the maid?
May 21, 2012, 11:26pm   #27
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nevereverenough
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This is what I did: I picked their crap up and threw it away. The expensive stuff was a killer-even for me to put in the trash. If they can't pick it up when they are told they don't need it. That's what I did a couple of times and now when I say I'm about to straighten up in here they know their stuffs gone if they don't get it and they come running. And as far as any trash trash they leave behind I put it in DH chair, his place at the table, and my personal favorite-on his side of the bed and nightstand. Let him say something to me about it-because he's talking to the wrong person!! He needs to be talking to his kids-its their trash. Like I told him when he went to get in bed and he saw bags of chips and candy wrappers on the bed and 1/2 dozen 1/2 drank sodas on his table--open your mouth to me before we get in bed and see what happens when we get in bed. Figure it out! So now picking up is about the only thing he might get onto them about. If its expectable for me to pick it then ditto for him-even if it's on his side of the bed.
May 22, 2012, 5:48pm   #28
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rainrowan
where's my bag?!
Originally Posted by Bag Fetish
Hiring a maid is just making it easy for the lazy kids.. Thus the reason they dont do anything .. until I came into the picture they had one . I find it a waste of money when you have kids that are perfectly able to do that work.
Issue its not enforced and not by me.
its a no win situation...
Yeah, it's kind of hard for kids to listen when they can tell it's you fighting the battle alone. You need to have an honest discussion with the kids' father, that the two of you need to show a united front as their parents in the home while you are under the same roof whether short or long term. Otherwise, they are never going to respect your wishes and your requests on how a home is to be run. They need to see that it's the adults banded together. If your dh doesn't have time to do this, then you may need to be more of a "wicked" stepmom, like giving them each their own regular bottle of clothes soap and if it's all gone in 1.5 weeks, then they are out of luck until the next month etc. Like someone else mentioned, sometimes things need to magically disappear for a while until they "get" it. Hang in there.... there are times when my son has his friends over and for some reason I feel they just don't listen, which is indicative of how they treat their mothers in their own homes.

BTW, my 12yo goes through hand soap a pump bottle a week, it's insane, he's got these teensy hands. We end up buying the Costco-sized liquid hand soap. I don't get on his case tho, it could be a case of OCD just like his dear old mom :) Kidding aside, I've noticed a lot of kids nowadays can focus on certain things but not every day tasks that normally come without needing to think about it. I've only recently heard about an "executive function" issue/disorder in youths, which could explain certain quirky behaviors or responses from kids I see where the most basic of skills of organization/scheduling is in utter chaos (I'm thinking this lumps hygiene, clothes, appointments, deadlines) despite above average intelligence. It prob doesn't apply to your situation but it was an eye opener. I've talked to my kid and others until I'm blue in the face, some genuinely are not connected to reality functioning skills
Last edited May 22, 2012 at 5:56pm.
May 23, 2012, 7:12am   #29
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Bag Fetish
Iphone Addict!
Originally Posted by rainrowan
Yeah, it's kind of hard for kids to listen when they can tell it's you fighting the battle alone. You need to have an honest discussion with the kids' father, that the two of you need to show a united front as their parents in the home while you are under the same roof whether short or long term. Otherwise, they are never going to respect your wishes and your requests on how a home is to be run. They need to see that it's the adults banded together. If your dh doesn't have time to do this, then you may need to be more of a "wicked" stepmom, like giving them each their own regular bottle of clothes soap and if it's all gone in 1.5 weeks, then they are out of luck until the next month etc. Like someone else mentioned, sometimes things need to magically disappear for a while until they "get" it. Hang in there.... there are times when my son has his friends over and for some reason I feel they just don't listen, which is indicative of how they treat their mothers in their own homes.

BTW, my 12yo goes through hand soap a pump bottle a week, it's insane, he's got these teensy hands. We end up buying the Costco-sized liquid hand soap. I don't get on his case tho, it could be a case of OCD just like his dear old mom :) Kidding aside, I've noticed a lot of kids nowadays can focus on certain things but not every day tasks that normally come without needing to think about it. I've only recently heard about an "executive function" issue/disorder in youths, which could explain certain quirky behaviors or responses from kids I see where the most basic of skills of organization/scheduling is in utter chaos (I'm thinking this lumps hygiene, clothes, appointments, deadlines) despite above average intelligence. It prob doesn't apply to your situation but it was an eye opener. I've talked to my kid and others until I'm blue in the face, some genuinely are not connected to reality functioning skills
"executive function" issue/disorder in youths, aka laziness!!
As I have said before I think the biggest issues is the respect thing. The lack of understanding that you just dont turn the phone on and there is service is costs money.
The wasting of hydro/washer and soap... Aka I cant complete a task so my laundry gets put on top of the washer so others can use the washer... So now
i have to re wash my laundry that sat in the washer for a day, on top of the dryer for a day and now i'm going to have to wash it again.. " and now its been in the washer for a day, and at 8:24 its going on top of the washer again so I can do laundry myself today"

simply annoying!
May 25, 2012, 2:40am   #30
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buttercup784eve
No wire hangers!
Originally Posted by Bag Fetish
thanks for the threapy session...

Obviously since my kids respect me that isnt the issue.
When you ask someone to do something with please at the end.. and they go to their room and sit in front of the computer that isnt respect.
They sit their until their father asks them time after time and they still remain in their room that isnt respect.
Well, if you ask someone to do something, even if you say please, they do have the option to say no. They may need to learn to say no respectfully and not ignore you, but I get the feeling that's not what you want. So what you are really doing is TELLING them to do something, and putting it in question form.

I know you came here to vent, so even though some of your language seems a bit harsh I assume that you don't ALWAYS feel this way about his kids. Do you have a good relationship with them generally?
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