Worried about a friend

KC1984 · Jul 2nd, 2008, 09:49 AM

Hi all,
I'm worried for my friend...
(all figures are in uk currency)

She always laughs at me & calls me a debt prude as I'm such a goodie (as I have a small mortage & own everything - never touch finance.

ok.... She doesnt work as she has too children under school age & with childcare fees unless she got a great job it wouldnt be worth it. Her husband is only on about £40,000.
They brought a brand new house in the peak of 2005 when house prices were at there highest & have dropped alot since then (think shes got a big mortage with not much equity). Her & her hubby always have to have new cars, their always eating out.
It's mainly her hubby with the problem he got a 3 grand bonus at xmas didnt tell her the brought a projector.
Their marriage is really rocky & very violent, I know she'll leave him soon... but what will she do, when they sell their house to split the assets there wont be much there, on £40k dont know what maintenace he'll pay.... she doesnt even properly own her own car it's on finance!!!!
I'm so worried...of course I'll help her (me been the goodie I have substatial savings) but I think she may be pickled.....

IntlSet · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:35 AM

You're so sweet to be concerned. But if I were you, I wouldn't loan her any money. I'm surprised that you're already prepared to help her... will she have the means to even pay you back? She doesn't sound very responsible.

ami kio · Jul 2nd, 2008, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IntlSet

You're so sweet to be concerned. But if I were you, I wouldn't loan her any money. I'm surprised that you're already prepared to help her... will she have the means to even pay you back? She doesn't sound very responsible.

Agreed.

From what the friend says (e.g. mocking the original poster for being responsible), it's unlikely the friend will pay her back or even be really grateful for the assistance. It sounds like the friend will use her and have to hit rock bottom before realizing that being irresponsible with money is a bad thing. Loaning money would only result in stress and possibly a fallout of the friendship over the money.

If you feel that you have to help out your friend financially, do it by buying what they need and giving it to them. Do NOT give them cash that they can take and impulsively spend on something else.

fatefullotus · Jul 2nd, 2008, 11:41 AM

Ugh. Sounds like you're in a sticky situation.

Your friend & her hubby sound quite irresponsible with money. If or when she does leave him, I would hope that she has some money put aside, but I doubt it from what you relate. Perhaps encourage her to save?

Never lend a friend money unless you are prepared to never see it again. If that's okay with you, by all means. But there are other ways of helping your friend that may not involve money.

Good luck!

mmmpurses! · Jul 2nd, 2008, 02:36 PM

Its ok to help people but when you do so think beyond handing them money so they can actually do something to help themselves. This thing she told you... that childcare fees are too expensive and not worth it unless she gets paid well? that sounds like an excuse NOT to work. Sorry unless her hubby is bringing in enough and they are both willing to go without certain things to make ends meet then she can't stay at home. That is all good when both people are willing to go without luxuries (a financed car is in this situation is a luxury, a much better use of that money would be childcare and buying a gently used car with cash). Before you hand anything out tell her what you expect she do for herself by what date (get a job should be #1), she can't have the luxury of being a stay-at-home-mom and also be irresponsible with money at the same time. She is going to be fine, in the end it is all about how people manage themselves accordingly.

acshih · Jul 2nd, 2008, 02:42 PM

I agree with the above posts. Sometimes it is better to help a friend, by not giving him/her money.

LeeMiller · Jul 2nd, 2008, 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by acshih

I agree with the above posts. Sometimes it is better to help a friend, by not giving him/her money.

Agree!

And your British slang is too cute!!! I miss London! (Lived there for a semester)...

LV Luvr · Jul 2nd, 2008, 04:16 PM

Loaning is not a good idea. But giving it to her as a gift w/ no expectations for it to be returned is a different situation and I feel that would be just fine. That being said handing her over cash won't solve this situtation. It's a lifestyle and you giving her cash won't change her lifestyle. She has to be willing to change, to not be in debt and take steps towards that. Otherwise you giving her cash won't make an iota of a difference.

KC1984 · Jul 2nd, 2008, 04:23 PM

Hi all I would def give her the money, wouldnt loan it her as I wouldnt want to stress her out paying it back. We were neighbours & grew up together from the age of 9 although I'm 2 years older than her - without going into too much detail she had an awlful childhood, i've pretty much looked out for her more than her mother, she's married a much older man - i'm guessing as a father figure & is now stuck in an awful marriage, broke & batttered!

Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:35 AM	#2
IntlSet Bonjour! Joined: Jan 2006 Location: Chicago Posts: 10,660	You're so sweet to be concerned. But if I were you, I wouldn't loan her any money. I'm surprised that you're already prepared to help her... will she have the means to even pay you back? She doesn't sound very responsible. __________________ http://drinkmorechampagne.wordpress.com/

Jul 2nd, 2008, 11:41 AM	#4
fatefullotus Building a rainbow Joined: Nov 2006 Location: New York, NY Posts: 2,634	Ugh. Sounds like you're in a sticky situation. Your friend & her hubby sound quite irresponsible with money. If or when she does leave him, I would hope that she has some money put aside, but I doubt it from what you relate. Perhaps encourage her to save? Never lend a friend money unless you are prepared to never see it again. If that's okay with you, by all means. But there are other ways of helping your friend that may not involve money. Good luck! __________________ My little time-passer project: UrbanGirlChronicles Take a peek at my shoes? (shoes on pages: 1, 3, 4, 5, 12, 13, 16, 18, 20, 22, 23, 25, 26)

Jul 2nd, 2008, 02:36 PM	#5
mmmpurses! Member Joined: Aug 2007 Posts: 1,433	Its ok to help people but when you do so think beyond handing them money so they can actually do something to help themselves. This thing she told you... that childcare fees are too expensive and not worth it unless she gets paid well? that sounds like an excuse NOT to work. Sorry unless her hubby is bringing in enough and they are both willing to go without certain things to make ends meet then she can't stay at home. That is all good when both people are willing to go without luxuries (a financed car is in this situation is a luxury, a much better use of that money would be childcare and buying a gently used car with cash). Before you hand anything out tell her what you expect she do for herself by what date (get a job should be #1), she can't have the luxury of being a stay-at-home-mom and also be irresponsible with money at the same time. She is going to be fine, in the end it is all about how people manage themselves accordingly. __________________ I can't be good all the time.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 04:16 PM	#8
LV Luvr Member Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 1,388	Loaning is not a good idea. But giving it to her as a gift w/ no expectations for it to be returned is a different situation and I feel that would be just fine. That being said handing her over cash won't solve this situtation. It's a lifestyle and you giving her cash won't change her lifestyle. She has to be willing to change, to not be in debt and take steps towards that. Otherwise you giving her cash won't make an iota of a difference. __________________ WISH LIST!!!! Azur Speedy 30 - Got it! LV Black Lurex Scarf - Got it! Vernis Sunset Boulevarde in Pomme - Got it! Chanel Lambskin Flap w/sh Monogram Pink Denim Shawl Monogram Eva Something Red Epi! Gucci Black Tote Keepall 55 Monogram Toilette Juicy Earrings - Got it! Manhattan GM Diamond Accent Ring Dior Hoop Earrings Chanel Sunnies Dream Bag(s): Chanel Jumbo White Flap w/GH or Black GST w/GH!

Jul 2nd, 2008, 09:49 AM	#1
KC1984 Member Joined: Mar 2008 Location: In my own little World Posts: 325	Hi all, I'm worried for my friend... (all figures are in uk currency) She always laughs at me & calls me a debt prude as I'm such a goodie (as I have a small mortage & own everything - never touch finance. ok.... She doesnt work as she has too children under school age & with childcare fees unless she got a great job it wouldnt be worth it. Her husband is only on about £40,000. They brought a brand new house in the peak of 2005 when house prices were at there highest & have dropped alot since then (think shes got a big mortage with not much equity). Her & her hubby always have to have new cars, their always eating out. It's mainly her hubby with the problem he got a 3 grand bonus at xmas didnt tell her the brought a projector. Their marriage is really rocky & very violent, I know she'll leave him soon... but what will she do, when they sell their house to split the assets there wont be much there, on £40k dont know what maintenace he'll pay.... she doesnt even properly own her own car it's on finance!!!! I'm so worried...of course I'll help her (me been the goodie I have substatial savings) but I think she may be pickled.....

Jul 2nd, 2008, 02:42 PM	#6
acshih Member Joined: Jul 2007 Location: Bag Heaven Posts: 2,075	I agree with the above posts. Sometimes it is better to help a friend, by not giving him/her money.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 04:23 PM	#9
KC1984 Member Joined: Mar 2008 Location: In my own little World Posts: 325	Hi all I would def give her the money, wouldnt loan it her as I wouldnt want to stress her out paying it back. We were neighbours & grew up together from the age of 9 although I'm 2 years older than her - without going into too much detail she had an awlful childhood, i've pretty much looked out for her more than her mother, she's married a much older man - i'm guessing as a father figure & is now stuck in an awful marriage, broke & batttered!