No wedding gift?

jng2b · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:22 AM

Hi girls. Something has been bothering me since the wedding (in May), and I'm hoping you will be able to give me some advice about how to get past it. I know this sounds really petty and materialistic, but I can't seem to let it go! My one and only good friend in this state attended our wedding with her boyfriend. She gave us a little card at the wedding, but she never gave a gift. I know that people don't HAVE to give a gift at a wedding. However, I'd never dream of attending someone's wedding and not give a gift! I'm just so confused as to why she couldn't even give a small but thoughtful gift - like a picture frame, or anything! I'm not upset at the lack of money spent on our gift - I'm just upset that she didn't even think to get us something small! Now, she's trying to meet up with me, and I really can't get past this. I can't really think about her without thinking that she didn't care enough to give us something small for our wedding. What do you think? How do I get past this? It makes me angry every time I think about it.....I don't mean to be materialistic, but any type of gift would have been appreciated! Thanks for your advice!

kbell · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:28 AM

That's an odd situation. I'd never attend a good friends wedding with no gift.
I don't think it's worth losing a good friendship over, especially if she's great in all other aspects. I guess I wouldn't mention it, but I'd certainly remember it.

barcreperie · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:29 AM

This is an uncomfortable situation because she MAY have sent you something, and you never received it. However, if you ask her and she didn't, then it will be very embarrassing for her. If she did send you something, she may be hesitant to ask why you never acknowledged it. I'm sorry, I have no advice but will be interested to see what others suggest.

cascratchfever · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:31 AM

Did she have to spend a lot of money in order to get to the wedding? If so, maybe she couldn't afford it. Plus you techinically have one year to give a gift so you never know, maybe the gift is coming. I wouldn't lose a friend over it for sure.

IntlSet · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:31 AM

I would never, ever attend a wedding without giving a gift. That is beyond bad manners. EVERYONE knows that you simply don't go to an event like that without also sending a gift either beforehand or bringing it to the event.

I bet your friend is has a "casual" personality. I have a couple friends like this, who would consider such etiquette "uptight." She probably believes that because you two are good friends, she doesn't need to bring you a present -- actually, the opposite is true: she should have sent a thoughtful and considerate gift.

You are not being petty. You're a bigger woman than I am, as I'm sure I would have passive-aggressively needled her about it. This kind of behavior is my pet peeve and it astounds me.

IntlSet · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cascratchfever

Did she have to spend a lot of money in order to get to the wedding? If so, maybe she couldn't afford it.

Then why did she go to the wedding? Weddings are anywhere from $50 - $200 per guest these days. It's like going to a dinner party without bringing the hostess a little something -- it's simply not to be done. If she can't afford all the attending gifts/etc. associated with a festivity such as a wedding, why did she go to eat the OP's food, drink her liquor, dance in her rental space, etc.?

titania029 · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:34 AM

That was my thought too, maybe she sent you something already, and it got lost. I have a good friend who came to our reception and didn't bring a gift. Later on, he told me that he thinks has has a year to get me a gift, and he's giving me wine glasses. To date, I have not seen those, and it's been more than a year. I don't concern myself with it. I had my reception so I can celebrate with my family and friends, and if no gift, then no gift. I was just happy that he drove the 350 miles to attend.

jng2b · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:36 AM

No, the wedding was located less than an hour from her house, so the only money that she spent would have been gas money. She drove home after the wedding.

Uggg, what a not fun situation....

Since she's been asking what I've been up to, I'm thinking about responding somewhat casually, "Oh, been decorating the house, getting organized since the wedding, and I finally finished all of the thank you notes from the wedding! Glad to have those done!"
That way, she'll know I've sent out my thank yous. If she did send a gift and it got lost, she'll know she didn't get a thank you and she can ask if I received the gift.

Does that sound like a stupid idea? It is the best I've been able to come up with.

jng2b · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:42 AM

Actually, my idea sounds a little passive-aggressive now that I re-read it. However, I don't think there really is a way to be upfront about this situation without being rude.

IntlSet · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:43 AM

^^^^
lol jng2b, that's a clever idea... How about "I just finished all the thank-you notes for the GIFTS my guests brought me..."

I mean, really, you are not hinting at wanting a present -- it's the gesture (or lacktherefore) that counts. After all, what could you even use -- you probably have everything you need after a wedding! I am just so appalled on your behalf.

cascratchfever · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IntlSet

Then why did she go to the wedding? Weddings are anywhere from $50 - $200 per guest these days. It's like going to a dinner party without bringing the hostess a little something -- it's simply not to be done. If she can't afford all the attending gifts/etc. associated with a festivity such as a wedding, why did she go to eat the OP's food, drink her liquor, dance in her rental space, etc.?

I don't throw parties to get something back from the guests. I know it's proper etiquette to bring something to the reception but I'm assuming the OP would have rather had her dear friend at the reception than for her friend to decline because she couldn't afford to get a gift. Now of course I have no idea if her friend could or could not afford the gift, I'm just giving her the benefit of the doubt.

It's just sort of always bugged me that people say, "I had to pay $200 per guest for my wedding so the gift I get should be equal to that price". That sounds so selfish to me, don't throw a party if you can't afford to take the loss if someone doesn't give you the gift/cash to make up for it. OP I'm not it any way saying that's what you did, that's just always something I hate about weddings.

kbell · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:47 AM

I don't think that's bad to mention the thank you cards. Are you sending her one?
I think you should send one saying thanks for the card & for attending. Even though
she portrayed very bad manners doesn't mean you should follow suit. I'd send the thank you anyway. Maybe she'll give you a gift later? If she did happen to send a gift that got lost the thank you for attendance & the card will show clearly you didn't get it.

IntlSet · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cascratchfever

I don't throw parties to get something back from the guests. I know it's proper etiquette to bring something to the reception but I'm assuming the OP would have rather had her dear friend at the reception than for her friend to decline because she couldn't afford to get a gift. Now of course I have no idea if her friend could or could not afford the gift, I'm just giving her the benefit of the doubt.

It's just sort of always bugged me that people say, "I had to pay $200 per guest for my wedding so the gift I get should be equal to that price". That sounds so selfish to me, don't throw a party if you can't afford to take the loss if someone doesn't give you the gift/cash to make up for it. OP I'm not it any way saying that's what you did, that's just always something I hate about weddings.

I agree with everything you said. However, if the guest is having some financial issues, then she can at least throw down $10 for a picture frame. Any small gift is a kind gesture. A gift isn't representative of the money spent, but the kind gesture made.

It's really sweet of you to give the OP's friend the benefit of a doubt. But sometimes bad manners is just plain bad manners.

ImASadGiraffe · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:57 AM

I know at my wedding, there were a few cards that got detached from their gifts, so we opened a few gifts that we just didn't know exactly who they were from...did you have any gifts that didn't have cards attached?

This is why I always give money and a card at a wedding, that way there's no question.

cascratchfever · Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:57 AM

Oh I agree her friend has bad manners!

jng2b- Is your friend young? Sometimes people just don't know any better yet, especially if they don't have anyone telling them that's what you're supposed to do.
I think you mentioning finishing your thank you card for your gifts is a great idea. Passive-aggresive yes, but there's no way to directly confront her without sounding mega bitchy.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:22 AM	#1
jng2b Member Joined: Feb 2008 Posts: 49	No wedding gift? Hi girls. Something has been bothering me since the wedding (in May), and I'm hoping you will be able to give me some advice about how to get past it. I know this sounds really petty and materialistic, but I can't seem to let it go! My one and only good friend in this state attended our wedding with her boyfriend. She gave us a little card at the wedding, but she never gave a gift. I know that people don't HAVE to give a gift at a wedding. However, I'd never dream of attending someone's wedding and not give a gift! I'm just so confused as to why she couldn't even give a small but thoughtful gift - like a picture frame, or anything! I'm not upset at the lack of money spent on our gift - I'm just upset that she didn't even think to get us something small! Now, she's trying to meet up with me, and I really can't get past this. I can't really think about her without thinking that she didn't care enough to give us something small for our wedding. What do you think? How do I get past this? It makes me angry every time I think about it.....I don't mean to be materialistic, but any type of gift would have been appreciated! Thanks for your advice!

Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:28 AM	#2
kbell Member Joined: Aug 2007 Location: MA Posts: 1,933	That's an odd situation. I'd never attend a good friends wedding with no gift. I don't think it's worth losing a good friendship over, especially if she's great in all other aspects. I guess I wouldn't mention it, but I'd certainly remember it. __________________ Is it football season yet? All out ban in progress

Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:31 AM	#4
cascratchfever Member Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 721	Did she have to spend a lot of money in order to get to the wedding? If so, maybe she couldn't afford it. Plus you techinically have one year to give a gift so you never know, maybe the gift is coming. I wouldn't lose a friend over it for sure. __________________

Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:31 AM	#5
IntlSet Bonjour! Joined: Jan 2006 Location: Chicago Posts: 10,671	I would never, ever attend a wedding without giving a gift. That is beyond bad manners. EVERYONE knows that you simply don't go to an event like that without also sending a gift either beforehand or bringing it to the event. I bet your friend is has a "casual" personality. I have a couple friends like this, who would consider such etiquette "uptight." She probably believes that because you two are good friends, she doesn't need to bring you a present -- actually, the opposite is true: she should have sent a thoughtful and considerate gift. You are not being petty. You're a bigger woman than I am, as I'm sure I would have passive-aggressively needled her about it. This kind of behavior is my pet peeve and it astounds me. __________________ http://drinkmorechampagne.wordpress.com/

Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:34 AM	#7
titania029 Member Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Dallas Posts: 2,436	That was my thought too, maybe she sent you something already, and it got lost. I have a good friend who came to our reception and didn't bring a gift. Later on, he told me that he thinks has has a year to get me a gift, and he's giving me wine glasses. To date, I have not seen those, and it's been more than a year. I don't concern myself with it. I had my reception so I can celebrate with my family and friends, and if no gift, then no gift. I was just happy that he drove the 350 miles to attend. __________________ It so happens that the work which is likely to be our most durable monument, and to convey some knowledge of us to the most remote posterity, is a work of bare utility; not a shrine, not a fortress, not a palace, but a bridge. - Montgomery Schuyler

Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:29 AM	#3
barcreperie Member Joined: Aug 2006 Posts: 638	This is an uncomfortable situation because she MAY have sent you something, and you never received it. However, if you ask her and she didn't, then it will be very embarrassing for her. If she did send you something, she may be hesitant to ask why you never acknowledged it. I'm sorry, I have no advice but will be interested to see what others suggest.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:36 AM	#8
jng2b Member Joined: Feb 2008 Posts: 49	No, the wedding was located less than an hour from her house, so the only money that she spent would have been gas money. She drove home after the wedding. Uggg, what a not fun situation.... Since she's been asking what I've been up to, I'm thinking about responding somewhat casually, "Oh, been decorating the house, getting organized since the wedding, and I finally finished all of the thank you notes from the wedding! Glad to have those done!" That way, she'll know I've sent out my thank yous. If she did send a gift and it got lost, she'll know she didn't get a thank you and she can ask if I received the gift. Does that sound like a stupid idea? It is the best I've been able to come up with.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:42 AM	#9
jng2b Member Joined: Feb 2008 Posts: 49	Actually, my idea sounds a little passive-aggressive now that I re-read it. However, I don't think there really is a way to be upfront about this situation without being rude.

Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:43 AM	#10
IntlSet Bonjour! Joined: Jan 2006 Location: Chicago Posts: 10,671	^^^^ lol jng2b, that's a clever idea... How about "I just finished all the thank-you notes for the GIFTS my guests brought me..." I mean, really, you are not hinting at wanting a present -- it's the gesture (or lacktherefore) that counts. After all, what could you even use -- you probably have everything you need after a wedding! I am just so appalled on your behalf. __________________ http://drinkmorechampagne.wordpress.com/

Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:47 AM	#12
kbell Member Joined: Aug 2007 Location: MA Posts: 1,933	I don't think that's bad to mention the thank you cards. Are you sending her one? I think you should send one saying thanks for the card & for attending. Even though she portrayed very bad manners doesn't mean you should follow suit. I'd send the thank you anyway. Maybe she'll give you a gift later? If she did happen to send a gift that got lost the thank you for attendance & the card will show clearly you didn't get it. __________________ Is it football season yet? All out ban in progress

Jul 2nd, 2008, 10:57 AM	#14
ImASadGiraffe Twilight 11/21/08 Joined: Aug 2007 Location: IL Posts: 2,754	I know at my wedding, there were a few cards that got detached from their gifts, so we opened a few gifts that we just didn't know exactly who they were from...did you have any gifts that didn't have cards attached? This is why I always give money and a card at a wedding, that way there's no question. __________________ "If you want to be loved, be loving." - Ovid