[BigPurseSue]

I have a girlfriend who's done well for herself professionally thanks to years of hard work, going back to school several times, and just, well, dogged hard work. In the past few years it seems like everytime I talk to her some "old friend" or very distant relation has emerged from the swamp of time to hit her up for money. Not just $50 to tide them over to the next pay-day, but thousands of dollars. A couple times she's lent the old friend or distant relation money and of course she never heard from them again. So she's learned her lesson.

Does this happen to any of you?

It's happened to me and frankly I was hurt and outraged by it. An old friend reappeared in my life with sob stories coupled with strong hints that she needed money and isn't that what friends are for, to give each other money when one's family members have (wisely) stopped coughing up dough. It bugged the heck out of me, the idea that someone was trying to use my friendship in this way, that an old friend was trying to manipulate me. I didn't "lend" her money but I was nonetheless deeply hurt by the situation.

[pursewatch]

I share your pain, a friend of mine just asked me for a loan recently but I declined so now she's mad at me.

[Zophie]

nope, nobody has really.

[laloki]

My family did this to me quite often.

My Mum was placed in to a very precarious financial situation by my dad when he decided that the marriage was over, I have over the years lent money to help her pay her bills etc and she has repaid it or at other times I have said not to worry.

My sister on the other hand thinks the world owes her a living & has made a lot of wrong decisions in her life. When she divorced her husband she spent her settlement on a sports car, clothes & new boobs etc while she had 3 children to support. She then starting asking for money for bond, rent, xmas gifts you name it and I have not seen one cent repaid. The only time I heard from her was when she wanted money and now as I wont lend her anymore she doesn't speak to me.

[BigPurseSue]

I share your pain, a friend of mine just asked me for a loan recently but I declined so now she's mad at me.

Look at it this way, at least you now know what she's all about. Real friends, true friends, friends worth having don't behave that way, i.e., getting mad at a friend when they refuse to lend them money.

[BigPurseSue]

My sister on the other hand thinks the world owes her a living & has made a lot of wrong decisions in her life. When she divorced her husband she spent her settlement on a sports car, clothes & new boobs etc while she had 3 children to support. She then starting asking for money for bond, rent, xmas gifts you name it and I have not seen one cent repaid. The only time I heard from her was when she wanted money and now as I wont lend her anymore she doesn't speak to me.

Oh my, Laloki! Are *you* the friend I referred to in my original post above?? My friend is in the very same situation with her sister, all the way to the boobs, the divorce and the sports car. It's actually very tragic and I feel for my friend. She's tried to financially help her sister and her kids on many occasions, but the money gets frittered away on, well, boobs, young blond boys, and sports cars. And now her sister is mad at her for turning off the money spigot.

It's one thing to help your mother, irregardless of whether she's made bad decisions. I mean, my gosh, she's the woman who brought you into the world and loved you when no one else did.

But when shoe-string relatives and long-lost friends start demanding envelopes full of cash... <shaking head>

[BigPurseSue]

Jail bond too. My friend also paid her sister's bail bond for the first six arrests. She now theorizes that this may be one of the reasons why so many relatives are calling her with monetary requests.

[laloki]

Originally Posted by BigPurseSue

Oh my, Laloki! Are *you* the friend I referred to in my original post above?? My friend is in the very same situation with her sister, all the way to the boobs, the divorce and the sports car. It's actually very tragic and I feel for my friend. She's tried to financially help her sister and her kids on many occasions, but the money gets frittered away on, well, boobs, young blond boys, and sports cars. And now her sister is mad at her for turning off the money spigot.

It's one thing to help your mother, irregardless of whether she's made bad decisions. I mean, my gosh, she's the woman who brought you into the world and loved you when no one else did.

But when shoe-string relatives and long-lost friends start demanding envelopes full of cash... <shaking head>

Wow your friends situation mirrors mine.....I feel for her . People don't realise the postion they put you in when they ask for money, you feel bad if you don't lend it but you know if you do there is a very good chance that you will never see the money again. I use to dread the phone calls from my sister I would feel sick to the pit of my stomach, my husband would just say "its up to you" in the beginning then towards the end it was "no".

We worked hard for our money and if we couldn't afford things then went without, we learned to live within our means and that made us better people for it. Other than a CC with a limit that was paid off every month and a mortgage (which we no longer have) we have never borrowed money.

[candace117]

DH and I work hard for what we have, and sometimes what we have isn't a lot, so yes we struggle but we have character built from those hard times, which is a good thing. There were times where we were at rock bottom and had nowhere to go, but we toughed it out! Not once did we ask for help (impossibility of asking my family for help as they were going through some times with my dad finding a new job) from DH's parents, they probably would have if we asked, but we knew that other people were much worse off than us and eventually it would get better!!!

DH's sister, on the other hand, has never had a real job. She dropped out of university once, and then got back into school at a community college and graduated (she wrote 'valedictorian' on the announcements she had made) with her AA. DH's parents are always giving her rent money and money for whatever she needs, which is fine for them to do since it is their money, but she is our age so why isn't she at least trying to do the same thing? DH and I were in college also, the only reason we are doing much better now is I am settling into a career and able to have a higher paycheck than a part time college job. It was just very weird to us that she never gets off her duff to work and try to earn her way!

Anyway, to each their own, but we found out over Christmas that she did have money coming in and spent it all recklessly and came crawling back to mom and dad to ask for 'rent money' even though she had earned some to begin with! Apparently she blew 8,000 this summer on vet bills (and we know about that having spent all our wedding money making sure our doggie didn't have cancer), but they were all repetitive tests because she didn't believe the first two vets that said what her dog had wrong with her...so she kept going to different vets to run tests...all in all probably 8 different vets she saw, and all of them said the same thing about her dog.

Needless to say MIL was very shocked to hear this but last I heard, sister is still getting money!

[BigPurseSue]

I use to dread the phone calls from my sister I would feel sick to the pit of my stomach, my husband would just say "its up to you" in the beginning then towards the end it was "no".

We worked hard for our money and if we couldn't afford things then went without, we learned to live within our means and that made us better people for it. Other than a CC with a limit that was paid off every month and a mortgage (which we no longer have) we have never borrowed money.

My friend says she becomes physically sick whenever her sister calls because she tenses up knowing she's going to get badgered for more money.

Her theory is that her sister is addicted to the "high" of having a lot of cash to burn. When she doesn't have money she goes into withdrawals and has to get more.

I think some people never learn how to live within their means. They never develop the pride of self-sufficiency. I don't understand it. A friend has this problem. She grows frighteningly angry and bitter when complaining about relatives who won't give her money, as if they owe this to her. She's a healthy grown woman with a job, there's no reason she can't pay her own bills. But somehow this eludes her.

Isn't it a good feeling to be able to live within your means and not ask anyone for help? That's the way I feel. It's a very good feeling indeed, one of relief actually that one doesn't need to phone everyone in one's phone book every few months to beg for help.

[BigPurseSue]

DH and I work hard for what we have, and sometimes what we have isn't a lot, so yes we struggle but we have character built from those hard times, which is a good thing. There were times where we were at rock bottom and had nowhere to go, but we toughed it out! Not once did we ask for help (impossibility of asking my family for help as they were going through some times with my dad finding a new job) from DH's parents, they probably would have if we asked, but we knew that other people were much worse off than us and eventually it would get better!!!

DH's sister, on the other hand, has never had a real job. She dropped out of university once, and then got back into school at a community college and graduated (she wrote 'valedictorian' on the announcements she had made) with her AA. DH's parents are always giving her rent money and money for whatever she needs, which is fine for them to do since it is their money, but she is our age so why isn't she at least trying to do the same thing? DH and I were in college also, the only reason we are doing much better now is I am settling into a career and able to have a higher paycheck than a part time college job. It was just very weird to us that she never gets off her duff to work and try to earn her way!

Anyway, to each their own, but we found out over Christmas that she did have money coming in and spent it all recklessly and came crawling back to mom and dad to ask for 'rent money' even though she had earned some to begin with! Apparently she blew 8,000 this summer on vet bills (and we know about that having spent all our wedding money making sure our doggie didn't have cancer), but they were all repetitive tests because she didn't believe the first two vets that said what her dog had wrong with her...so she kept going to different vets to run tests...all in all probably 8 different vets she saw, and all of them said the same thing about her dog.

Needless to say MIL was very shocked to hear this but last I heard, sister is still getting money!

Isn't that the way it always is?

My friend who has been asking for money--and my pal's sister who is constantly asking for money--are both in their 50s! I mean come on, girls, isn't it time to grow up? Isn't it a little late in life to be phoning your 90-year-old-plus mom who's in a nursing home and begging for rent money? I mean this is what these gals are doing. And have been doing for years.

When I said to my friend "You know, your mom is 94 years old and living on Social Security. I don't think she has money to give you," she snipped "She still has some money left. She has money she could give to me." And guess what, mom eventually did.

It's crazy isn't it?

DH and I have worked really hard in life too. We've undergone some tough times with several major medical crisis and periods of unemployment because of them. We've never earned a great deal in a typical year but we're very careful with what we do earn and how we live. We've never asked anyone for help and that is a great source of pride. These days we're able to send money each month to both our sets of elderly parents and we're happy to do that. Like never asking anyone for help that too is a source of pride.

But it drives me crazy when people say "Well you guys are just lucky." People who earn a great deal more than we do often say this to us to explain why, for instance, we have a house and they do not, or why we are not in debt and they are, or why we can help support our parents and they cannot. Maybe we have been lucky in that we have the ability to plan ahead, save, and behave prudently and not everybody has this knack.

Yet it irritates the heck out of me when everything is attributed to dumb luck.

You will never regret learning self-sufficiency but you will always enjoy the pride that comes from it. If you and your DH keep living prudently and saving hopefully all you'll have to worry about when you get to my age is enjoying each other and enjoying your other loved ones.

[ssmama]

I have a bro-in-law n sis-in-law that are constantly in bad financial situations. Twice, it was b/c of a medical reason (each one got injured at work a few yrs apart) but the other times it's b/c they want to keep up w/ the Jones' and expect younger brother n younger sis-in-law (DH n me) to bail them out. They have a sense of entitlement that burns me up!!! I've never asked to borrow $$ from them, they didn't help me study in school, they didn't help me get any of my jobs, so just b/c we make more we have to pay for dinner or let them borrow money? They used to borrow from my in-laws a lot but I think they've cut them off too. The last request was for $1000 which I only let them borrow $200 and they still owe $100. Don't know when I'll ever get that back...

[bnjj]

Originally Posted by laloki

My sister on the other hand thinks the world owes her a living & has made a lot of wrong decisions in her life. When she divorced her husband she spent her settlement on a sports car, clothes & new boobs etc while she had 3 children to support. She then starting asking for money for bond, rent, xmas gifts you name it and I have not seen one cent repaid. The only time I heard from her was when she wanted money and now as I wont lend her anymore she doesn't speak to me.

Yep, this is my sister to a "T". She wiped out all my mom's and grandmother's savings and then started in on my dad's until I put a stop to that. She would come to me for money and the last time she called me 4 years ago was because she wanted me to co-sign a loan for her, which there would be no way in hell I'd ever do as she is the most horribly irresponsible person when it comes to money and she hasn't spoken to me since.

[lorihmatthews]

My sister gets money from my parents on a regular basis. To her credit, from what I understand, she always pays them back. Admittedly I am a little resentful because when DH and I were at rock bottom after the dot-bomb here in CA a few years ago, my parents never offered anything to us (and we didn't ask). I truly believe this is because they think my sister "deserves" it more because she has given them a grandchild, isn't as financially secure as DH and I are now and she didn't move across the country like I did.

Yet, my parents still find ways to criticize DH and me, mainly because we make very good salaries yet we still can't afford to buy a home in San Francisco. Sorry Mom & Dad, we can't afford the mortgage on a starter home that costs $1 million!

[candace117]

Originally Posted by lorihmatthews

My sister gets money from my parents on a regular basis. To her credit, from what I understand, she always pays them back. Admittedly I am a little resentful because when DH and I were at rock bottom after the dot-bomb here in CA a few years ago, my parents never offered anything to us (and we didn't ask). I truly believe this is because they think my sister "deserves" it more because she has given them a grandchild, isn't as financially secure as DH and I are now and she didn't move across the country like I did.

Yet, my parents still find ways to criticize DH and me, mainly because we make very good salaries yet we still can't afford to buy a home in San Francisco. Sorry Mom & Dad, we can't afford the mortgage on a starter home that costs $1 million!

WOW that is so identical to us in terms of the foundation of the situation....except we are the ones who will give DHs parents a grandkid someday (DH's sister is a lesbian and probably won't even adopt after getting used by her first girlfriend who had a kid from a previous marriage). Even when DH's parents can see we are struggling, we never ever ask and they don't offer. They did give DH money a couple years ago because of a snafu that left him here when he was supposed to be in military training with me for 3 months...so he talked to them about starting college instead and they lent him the money for an apartment and the first term of school. We are paying them back for all that, and to my knowledge his sister hasn't paid a penny back of the 8,000+ that she borrowed (and that's only an estimate from this year).

It is very frustrating to hear them talk her up for getting her AA and for getting form letters from Harvard Law (even though she sent them an interest sheet)...when I've gotten my BA and was on the honor roll and DH is widely respected by everyone as one of the best soldiers in our unit. His sister is book smart but has no idea how the world works while DH and I are both. Yet somehow, that isn't good enough. And then magically it is okay for her to get a puppy and they welcome it over whenever, yet they refuse to take care of our puppy when we get one. OKAY!!!!