[Liberté]

I know there are more tPFers that have been exposed, professionally or not, to such environments and I know it often involves a certain mind set regarding food and exercise. This can be due to professional pressure from coaches, peers and tough competition. It doesen't really have to manifest as underweight or dangerous eating habits, but looking at yourself in a mirror, being pictured or getting comments about physics from people whose opinion you care about (Sometimes the entire thing you talk about for a day is food (dieting, when you ate, what you ate etc), working out and body..) does something to you, even if it's not an eating disorder. When you're involved in it, all of these things seem pretty normal. When you change environment, you realise it's really not.

Personally I was in process of getting a professional career in a field like the above, but I quit to do academic studies. It's been some years since I did this, and even if my physique is not the same, I'm still just as conscious about esp food and weight. I've tried not to care and tried to act and eat like my new friends where I study now, but it seems impossible to get rid of in the back of my mind. Whenever I hit a weight above what I was when I quit it makes me feel "fat" and I still know the approx. amount of calories in everything I eat no matter if I try to stop caring. I also hate exams because not only do I feel anxious about the test, but aslo because I miss a lot of work out.

I don't want to stop caring about my health and eating healthy, but right now I feel like I*m in a place in life where a more realistic and not so obsessive approach to it would be perfectly fine and much more comfortable. I know some people say that once you start, there's no way to stop because you cannot erase knowledge.

I guess what I'm looking for is other people's experiences who has been through the same thing more or less and managed to get rid of that kind of thinking when returning to "reality"? What do you think?
Sorry if it's a disturbing thread or if it's not allowed

Edit: Oh and I didn't really discuss this with anyone, if I did it with my old friends they'd never underestand and my new ones they'd think I'm crazy. >_<

[AidaNY]

I've had the similar problem -- under pretty much the exact same circumstances. It was very hard for me, because I grew up in a highly competitive, cuttthroat, "weight centric" environment; since I had little else to gauge that environment against, I accepted that as normal.

When I left that environment (due to injury), the whole world of eating normally was foreign to me. I could fake "eating normally", but I would constantly obsess over everything that I would put in my mouth. All the insults, comments of my body that I had heard over the years still, to this day, linger in my mind.

For me, the ONLY thing that has managed to help is a slow and gradual recognition that this is my life now. Like it or not, while I was successful in my past endeavors (not as successful as I would have liked, but successful nonetheless), I was never happy. I didn't have friends outside my own little world - and since I left, we don't really cross paths. However, in the process, I've made some amazing friends, who love me for me, regardless of what the number on the scale says.

It's not to say it doesn't haunt me. Anyone who grew up in these environments on a super-competitive level will likely have these lingering effects regarding their own behavior. But, I always try and remember that there's more to me than my weight and my body. Like everything, somedays it's easier said than done.

[amanda]

My roommate is on her way to being a professional dancer, and it KILLS me to see her attitude toward food and her body. She naturally has a heavier build than most in her discipline (ballet), and while she's nowhere near heavy by conventional standards, her eating is definitely on the light side because she's fighting stocky German genetics. I've never been in anything but supportive environments and I'm still hyper-critical of my own appearance, so I can't even imagine what it must be like for you guys. Anyone trying to recover from this kind of environment definitely has my respect.

[jellybebe]

I was in ballet for 12 years during some of my more "formative" years and I think that I did develop some kind of complex around food, eating and exercise, particularly as I was a bit "bigger" (muscular, curvy, bigger frame). Even after I quit at age 18 to go to university, I retained some of the attitudes. What I do now is eat healthily and exercise in some form every day. It's hard to shift the mindset, but I definitely value health much more than being super-thin. I also found that weight-training and building muscle helped me feel better about myself.

[EmilyK]

I was in classical ballet for around 18 years and dabbled in gymnastics, theatre and modeling. I haven't been able to shift out of the superthin paradigm yet. I've been out for a few years now and still obsess over my body. Having been in it for so long, it's not going to change easily. I'd been striving for a particular weight for a while, but finally realized I should be watching my body instead of a number on the scale. I still consider "average" to be grossly overweight and I think my "average" is more in line with everyone else's underweight.

[lara0112]

I haven't been a professional environment as such but my personal environment was full of such references and discussions when I was younger (my husband, thankfully, is really 'normal' in the sense that he is eating as much as he needs and feels like). it has led me down a rather difficult path but eventually I managed to shake myself free of all this b..sh.. Funnily enough, once I stopped obsessing everything became so easy - and I finally got to the weight that was right for my body and made me feel good.

I think that is the main issue: the feel good factor. is it possible that the weight you are focussing on is not really making you feel good? be really honest with yourself deep down inside - maybe a few pounds more would be making you feel better but it is hard to accept that?

you said in your post that you don't want to give up being 'healthy' - I don't think that there is a trade-off between being healthy and eating some more. sorry, don't want to be analytical but just try to give you an understanding of how I managed to shake off slightly distorted views relating to food and body consciousness etc.

as for the exercise thing: i understand how you feel - I am full-time working, have a toddler and another baby on the way - the only place I can exercise is at home. I used to do a lot of ballet when I was younger and I have started doing that and pilates at home (after instructions of course). so, why not think about that while you are studying for your exams? instead of focussing on what you can't do, why not find something you can do?

anyway, hope this helps. I don't think having a certain weight in your mind is a problem as such (I certainly do, considering I am pregnant with only a couple of weeks to do) but for me it is a realistic goal that I want to achieve now.

[karman]

I was definitely more active two years ago than I am now, although I weighed more back then. I was in the process of dieting, but that year was probably the best year for my fitness. I was never particularly thin or anything but there was always a pressure from other girls my age, as well as media/entertainment, to become thin. I try not to care too much about it now, I'm a little more accepting of my weight, but sometimes I still wish I were a tad thinner. Maybe just lose a couple of inches off my waist and thighs. My doctor is constantly nagging me to stop losing weight, so there is always support and advice for me to gain weight, and my parents say the same thing but still...I wish I was slimmer, maybe not necessarily lighter, but definitely less fat, more muscle.

[windycityaj]

At 42 years of age I am definitely happier w/ my body thena I was 10 years ago. It's not perfect, but I have managed to stay the same weight for the last 4 years and stick to an exercise program. It is still hard some days...especially when I feel bloated, or I'm in a room of really thin women. I guess I will never be over it but I have come to terms with my body and learned to accept me for me.

[Liberté]

I'd just like to thank everyone for sharing. It's much appreciated. =)

[ImASadGiraffe]

I did gymnastics when I was young, then switched to classical ballet and was on my way to a professional career when I broke my ankle and effectively ended that dream. Sometimes I still find it hard to get out of that mode. It has been a few years since I've seriously studied ballet and while I now eat carbohydrates and sweets, I still have a hard time looking at my weight and my body, even though I know I'm completely healthy (my BMI is actually on the "low" end of average for my height/weight). I think it's just hard when you spend most of your life working towards a goal that involves making your body as aesthetically pleasing as possible, you're naturally going to think about it more than the average person.

I'm married now and we've thrown around the idea of children, but is it terrible that my biggest fear about having a child is the havoc it's going to wreak on my body?

[Charles]

Ok, first off, stick with what makes you healthy, not what makes you conform to some societal standard. Secondly, you're not alone. guys deal with this as well. I see fit and buff guys all the time and even though I'm rather slim (yet not rock hard abs) I feel as though I'm lacking in a way. With that being said, I consistently work out at least 4 days a week, so it's confusing, yet comforting at the same time. I know I'm pretty healthy, yet I'm not model worthy. That's ok. Not everyone can be a fitness model and look like the people on TV. Instead, try to focus on being healthy instead of perfect. There is a difference.

[nviedprincess]

I did ballet for 11 years, and quit when I made varsity volleyball bc our practice didn't begin til 6 pm. Then I got boobs and was not "fit for dancing anymore" according to my teacher eventhoug my body was remarkably thin and I never worried about what I ate. There is a girl in my classes now, she eats BUT her clothes are still falling off of her. I am starting to think she is an exercise bulemic.