DH may be suffering with depression, please help

lorihmatthews · Jul 16th, 2008, 03:50 PM

My DH is an independent contractor. His last contract ended 2 months ago and since then he's been moping around the house. He hasn't been very proactive in his job search.

I'm really concerned about his mood swings. Last night we were snuggled up on the couch watching Ratatouille on DVD and this morning he was in a completely rotten mood, detailing all the things that are wrong with our relationship. I never know when he's going to switch from Jeckyl to Hyde.

DH is a pretty big introvert, and keeps to himself most of the time. However, during these times when he's not working I notice that he does fill up on beer (probably like a lot of guys do). But when he does, he gets cranky and defensive/dramatic. I've talked to him about this and he has agreed to curtail the beer. He is also a pot smoker, and even though he is developing a smoker's cough, which can't be good, I don't see him quitting. I can't stand the stuff.

He's got an annual check up on Monday, and I decided to call his doctor to voice my concerns. I know that DH will never bring up these things with the doctor and I can't be there for the appointment. I know this is behind his back because I am going to tell the doctor not to let on that I talked to him first. But I really can't see any other options.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated!

Irishgal · Jul 16th, 2008, 03:58 PM

There is a great book for men with depression, the title is: "I Don't Want To Talk About It". Written by a man, who was not a clinician but who suffered with depression, and when I was in clinical practice I had my depressed male patients read it. However, I am not suggesting that you give this to him at this point, just for you to go browse the book at the local book store. I think asking his MD to assess your DHs depression is a good idea, and then go from there.

strawberrykiwi · Jul 16th, 2008, 07:03 PM

i would definitely speak up. also, if you want to get more information i would highly recommend going to a DBSA meeting. (depression bi polar support alliance) i had to go to one for a course and i found it very informative. it's not just for those who have it but for spouses, family members, and friends of those affected by it as well. you can voice your situation and everyone there will hellp give you advance of what they went through personally or what someone they know went through. everyone there is really helpful. let me know if you have any questions.

envyme · Jul 16th, 2008, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lorihmatthews

My DH is an independent contractor. His last contract ended 2 months ago and since then he's been moping around the house. He hasn't been very proactive in his job search.

I'm really concerned about his mood swings. Last night we were snuggled up on the couch watching Ratatouille on DVD and this morning he was in a completely rotten mood, detailing all the things that are wrong with our relationship. I never know when he's going to switch from Jeckyl to Hyde.

DH is a pretty big introvert, and keeps to himself most of the time. However, during these times when he's not working I notice that he does fill up on beer (probably like a lot of guys do). But when he does, he gets cranky and defensive/dramatic. I've talked to him about this and he has agreed to curtail the beer. He is also a pot smoker, and even though he is developing a smoker's cough, which can't be good, I don't see him quitting. I can't stand the stuff.

He's got an annual check up on Monday, and I decided to call his doctor to voice my concerns. I know that DH will never bring up these things with the doctor and I can't be there for the appointment. I know this is behind his back because I am going to tell the doctor not to let on that I talked to him first. But I really can't see any other options.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated!

Can I hang out with him? J/K!!

LORI, times are tough right now and it can be quite depressing!!! The fact that you two snuggled up to watch Ratatouille means (to me) that he is in a very vulnerable state right now. We all have our ups and downs. Please continue to be there for him and provide him with encouragement. Show him employment opportunities that he would be open to (from the newspaper, internet, where-ever).

BTW, I agree with your approach with his doctor!

lorihmatthews · Jul 16th, 2008, 11:46 PM

envyme, you are funny.

I had a nice chat with his doctor today, and he is going to find a way to check out my concerns without letting on to DH that I spoke with him first. The doctor's office said that a lot of wives call in to "prep" the doctor before their husband's appointments! LOL!

Pursegrrl · Jul 16th, 2008, 11:59 PM

^^ great update, LHM! And I second Irish's recommendation to browse that book; she suggested it for me with all the drama from last summer and it's excellent.

DH is lucky having you looking out for him!!

XXXOO PGal

materialgurl · Jul 17th, 2008, 01:07 AM

Well I think he may be just bored.. answer me some of these questions:

1.) Does he not want to work? (ie. not searching for job)
2.) Does he see the future as dark and gloomy? Or in other words, no future?
3.) Has he been feeling blue at least the last 4 weeks?

If you answered yes to all of those questions, he may have depression. HOWEVER, if he just finished his contract, maybe hes just bored, moping around the house with nothing to do. Sometimes I have mood swings too knowing I don't have to work the next few days or weeks, but I definitely do not have feelings of helplessness.

Also, does he have a family history of depression?

Keep us posted!

PinkSuadeSoho · Jul 17th, 2008, 01:14 AM

I hope things get better Lori! Glad you were able to speak to his doc first.

Adriane · Jul 17th, 2008, 12:55 PM

K - first thing that's pretty hard for me to admit...20 year old DS is an on again off again pot smoker and I really notice the difference when he's "on again". He gets really moody and sullen. When he's not smoking he's a very caring thoughtful young man. He is out on his own so I don't have too much interaction with him when he's partaking on a regular basis. I'd definately address the pot issue. It affects everyone so differently. Best of luck to you. This has to be an awful strain.

lorihmatthews · Jul 17th, 2008, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adriane

K - first thing that's pretty hard for me to admit...20 year old DS is an on again off again pot smoker and I really notice the difference when he's "on again". He gets really moody and sullen. When he's not smoking he's a very caring thoughtful young man. He is out on his own so I don't have too much interaction with him when he's partaking on a regular basis. I'd definately address the pot issue. It affects everyone so differently. Best of luck to you. This has to be an awful strain.

Sorry to hear about your DS. My DH always hung around kids older than him because he skipped 2nd grade ... I think this was a detriment to his development because he was always younger than everyone else and was always a little behind socially as well. He started with pot when he was 11 -- and again, with the older kids. Now he is 42, and although I don't think he wants to admit it, I'm sure the smoking is having an effect on his lungs and overall health. I'm hoping his doctor scares some sense into him. He seems to think it will not cause health problems like smoking cigarettes does. Personally I think he's in denial but I'll defer to the doctor's opinion.

IntlSet · Jul 17th, 2008, 03:10 PM

Lori, I'm sorry. You've had so much on your plate lately. Hugs to you.

JSH812 · Jul 17th, 2008, 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lorihmatthews

envyme, you are funny.

I had a nice chat with his doctor today, and he is going to find a way to check out my concerns without letting on to DH that I spoke with him first. The doctor's office said that a lot of wives call in to "prep" the doctor before their husband's appointments! LOL!

Yep, they sure do! I hear from docs all the time that wives, mothers, etc call before appointments. And especially for Depression/Anxiety the docs have a series of questions they will ask - that won't be obvious, to see if your DH has been feeling a little blue lately.

BagAngel · Jul 17th, 2008, 10:06 PM

Lori so sorry you are going through this. I hope the doc can talk some sense into your DH & he will be well again soon!

The smoking & drinking are just symptoms of whatever misery he is feeling inside. If only he could realise that drink is a depressant & pot is a very temporary high which thank God I have never experienced! I think that perhaps if his physical health is ok then he does not need medical help but psychological to resolve whatever issues are annoying him, would he consider counselling?

QueenofPreen · Jul 18th, 2008, 03:54 AM

My advice is to just be supportive (which you're doing) and it does sound like he is depressed from your description. Luckily, there are many helpful options for people with depression, so he can get better. Best of luck!!

elle tee · Jul 18th, 2008, 03:01 PM

Lori, I'm so sorry to hear that you have yet another burden to bear. You've been going through so much lately. My SO went through something similar last November. He left his job and became pretty depressed. No motivation to find something else or do anything around the house, very sullen, we fought a lot, drinking, etc. The only thing I did that worked was to be gentle but firm. After a couple weeks of his sulking, I sat him down and reminded him that the only one that could make him feel better was him and said that he could not continue this way- our relationship would not survive. It wasn't a threat, it was the truth, and we both knew it. Reassuring him that he still had my love and support 1000% helped, and he started to improve after our talk.

Jul 16th, 2008, 03:58 PM	#2
Irishgal Member Joined: Apr 2006 Location: Treasure Island Posts: 6,604	There is a great book for men with depression, the title is: "I Don't Want To Talk About It". Written by a man, who was not a clinician but who suffered with depression, and when I was in clinical practice I had my depressed male patients read it. However, I am not suggesting that you give this to him at this point, just for you to go browse the book at the local book store. I think asking his MD to assess your DHs depression is a good idea, and then go from there. __________________ Ten thousand blessings to all of our furry friends who are in need of prayers. May they be comfortable, healthy, and blessed with joy and companionship. May their eyes shine brightly and may they know that they are loved.

Jul 17th, 2008, 01:14 AM	#8
PinkSuadeSoho Live the Life U Love Joined: Jul 2006 Location: British Properties,Beautiful By Nature! Spectacular by SIGHT! :) Posts: 3,677	I hope things get better Lori! Glad you were able to speak to his doc first. __________________ Money can't buy me love- BUT........it can buy me PURSES! My must have WISH LIST! Thomas Wylde Leather Skull Hobo Thomas Wylde Leather Misson Cross Handbag Thomas Wylde HandBag just started the search Bottega Veneta HandBag just started the search Only then will I call it a BAN

Jul 17th, 2008, 12:55 PM	#9
Adriane Member Joined: Mar 2006 Location: Fort Wayne, IN Posts: 1,058	K - first thing that's pretty hard for me to admit...20 year old DS is an on again off again pot smoker and I really notice the difference when he's "on again". He gets really moody and sullen. When he's not smoking he's a very caring thoughtful young man. He is out on his own so I don't have too much interaction with him when he's partaking on a regular basis. I'd definately address the pot issue. It affects everyone so differently. Best of luck to you. This has to be an awful strain. __________________ *I am the anchor to my own ascension.*

Jul 17th, 2008, 03:10 PM	#11
IntlSet Bonjour! Joined: Jan 2006 Location: Chicago Posts: 10,592	Lori, I'm sorry. You've had so much on your plate lately. Hugs to you. __________________ http://drinkmorechampagne.wordpress.com/

Jul 17th, 2008, 10:06 PM	#13
BagAngel LV obsessed Joined: Oct 2006 Location: UK Posts: 16,049	Lori so sorry you are going through this. I hope the doc can talk some sense into your DH & he will be well again soon! The smoking & drinking are just symptoms of whatever misery he is feeling inside. If only he could realise that drink is a depressant & pot is a very temporary high which thank God I have never experienced! I think that perhaps if his physical health is ok then he does not need medical help but psychological to resolve whatever issues are annoying him, would he consider counselling? __________________ Roz My handbag collection

Jul 16th, 2008, 03:50 PM	#1
lorihmatthews Luv my Persian Joined: Oct 2006 Location: San Francisco Posts: 6,390	My DH is an independent contractor. His last contract ended 2 months ago and since then he's been moping around the house. He hasn't been very proactive in his job search. I'm really concerned about his mood swings. Last night we were snuggled up on the couch watching Ratatouille on DVD and this morning he was in a completely rotten mood, detailing all the things that are wrong with our relationship. I never know when he's going to switch from Jeckyl to Hyde. DH is a pretty big introvert, and keeps to himself most of the time. However, during these times when he's not working I notice that he does fill up on beer (probably like a lot of guys do). But when he does, he gets cranky and defensive/dramatic. I've talked to him about this and he has agreed to curtail the beer. He is also a pot smoker, and even though he is developing a smoker's cough, which can't be good, I don't see him quitting. I can't stand the stuff. He's got an annual check up on Monday, and I decided to call his doctor to voice my concerns. I know that DH will never bring up these things with the doctor and I can't be there for the appointment. I know this is behind his back because I am going to tell the doctor not to let on that I talked to him first. But I really can't see any other options. Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated!

Jul 16th, 2008, 07:03 PM	#3
strawberrykiwi Member Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 13	i would definitely speak up. also, if you want to get more information i would highly recommend going to a DBSA meeting. (depression bi polar support alliance) i had to go to one for a course and i found it very informative. it's not just for those who have it but for spouses, family members, and friends of those affected by it as well. you can voice your situation and everyone there will hellp give you advance of what they went through personally or what someone they know went through. everyone there is really helpful. let me know if you have any questions.

Jul 16th, 2008, 11:46 PM	#5
lorihmatthews Luv my Persian Joined: Oct 2006 Location: San Francisco Posts: 6,390	envyme, you are funny. I had a nice chat with his doctor today, and he is going to find a way to check out my concerns without letting on to DH that I spoke with him first. The doctor's office said that a lot of wives call in to "prep" the doctor before their husband's appointments! LOL!

Jul 16th, 2008, 11:59 PM	#6
Pursegrrl Oh no she di-int!! Joined: Jun 2006 Location: Seattle Posts: 13,537	^^ great update, LHM! And I second Irish's recommendation to browse that book; she suggested it for me with all the drama from last summer and it's excellent. DH is lucky having you looking out for him!! XXXOO PGal

Jul 17th, 2008, 01:07 AM	#7
materialgurl in a material world Joined: Jul 2008 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 72	Well I think he may be just bored.. answer me some of these questions: 1.) Does he not want to work? (ie. not searching for job) 2.) Does he see the future as dark and gloomy? Or in other words, no future? 3.) Has he been feeling blue at least the last 4 weeks? If you answered yes to all of those questions, he may have depression. HOWEVER, if he just finished his contract, maybe hes just bored, moping around the house with nothing to do. Sometimes I have mood swings too knowing I don't have to work the next few days or weeks, but I definitely do not have feelings of helplessness. Also, does he have a family history of depression? Keep us posted!

Jul 18th, 2008, 03:54 AM	#14
QueenofPreen Queen of Preen Joined: Feb 2008 Location: Mostly in my head Posts: 90	My advice is to just be supportive (which you're doing) and it does sound like he is depressed from your description. Luckily, there are many helpful options for people with depression, so he can get better. Best of luck!! __________________ Fashionably Yours, Queen of Preen please read our signature rules - you may not advertise here

Jul 18th, 2008, 03:01 PM	#15
elle tee Member Joined: Dec 2006 Location: nyc Posts: 1,631	Lori, I'm so sorry to hear that you have yet another burden to bear. You've been going through so much lately. My SO went through something similar last November. He left his job and became pretty depressed. No motivation to find something else or do anything around the house, very sullen, we fought a lot, drinking, etc. The only thing I did that worked was to be gentle but firm. After a couple weeks of his sulking, I sat him down and reminded him that the only one that could make him feel better was him and said that he could not continue this way- our relationship would not survive. It wasn't a threat, it was the truth, and we both knew it. Reassuring him that he still had my love and support 1000% helped, and he started to improve after our talk. __________________