Hayden Harnett Hotties Hangout - Let's talk!!

[skydive nikki]

I'm so sorry Lulu. That is really heartbreaking. Just vent for how ever long you need to. It's better to get it out.

[sirene]

Lulu, I am so, so sorry to hear about your friend. My thoughts are with you, your friend's family and especially the infant who now has no mother...so sad.

[Chicabee]

So sorry about your friend, Lulu. The tattoo is a beautiful way to honor her.

[lulu3955]

Originally Posted by chodessa

I wish life was all about handbags and shoes and puppies, but sadly that's just the good stuff, which really never compares to the hard stuff. Please continue to vent if you need to.

Thanks for the support everyone. It really strange for me.. Normally, I would talk to her about all the bad stuff going on. I feel kinda lonely, confused, Panic-y, selfish.
Right now we are dealing with all the legal stuff. She left no will, no note, nada. I just keep replaying everything she ever told me in my head. Hate your job change it do what you love, hate where you live change it, wanna kid have a kid. It makes me really think about changing jobs, moving. Doing everything I should be doing but I'm not cuz it was comfortable. I feel so uncomfortable now.
I did some major damage on my CC this past week. I guess that is how I grieve. I bought 8 duvet covers, 3 pairs of shoes, 3 bags, couple wallets, new towels... and clothes, lots of clothes. Somebody should have taken my CCs away from me. I had to take the keys away from my DH cuz when he grieves he goes to the humane society and comes home with a new bundle of joy. I think he is taking this hard too. DH and Her DH are best buds.

As for laurent (the baby) We got him into the custody of his grandparents until Her DH can come home from Iraq. He has never even seen his son. IDK how he is going to cope being a new parent and a widower at the same time.

[mishka]

Oh Lulu, my heart just breaks for you and your friends family. Please talk about it as much as you want or need. Big hugs for you. {{{{{{Lulu}}}}}}

[gingeybear]

Lulu....I came out of hiding when I read this post because I have to reach out to you. Do not blame yourself...it's normal and natural..but it is not the truth.

Please understand that there is nothing that you personally could have done to prevent this and there is nothing that you should blame yourself for. Do not rehash every conversation in hindsight looking for clues or engage in "if only I had...." which is magical thinking. When someone we care about commits suicide, we often feel that there is a moment that we could have stopped it..recognized it..stopped the trajectory..the chain of event..and rescued the person who is hurting so badly that there is no way he or she believes can stop the pain but this. Suicide is such a public private act too.

My heart breaks for her because she could not see that thre is hope..that this would pass..and slowly, life would regain its balance..not all good..but not what she was struggling with...post partum depression is a horror..an absolute horror..and sometimes no matter how much help..how much intervention..how much medication..how closely we watch..how much we want to take away the pain..if we only know that there is pain..and how unfathomable the pain is..and the shock of the loss of someone we know and love..someone we never believed could do this...it is unbearable.

Lulu, your friend was not the friend you knew and loved at that moment..she was not herself..not her real self..she was in a place that only she resided in..and could see no way to unlock the door and go back to how she was before the chemicals in her brain wreaked havoc with her reasoning, her personality, her love of life, family and friends. It wasn't you..it wasn't her..it wasn't anyone..there is no explanation that would make this any better.

I believe those who are left behind need to be helped now..you..DH..her DH...everyone because this reverberates and resonates. Lulu..I am trying to say what is in my heart..but there is so much more I could say..but this is not the time for me to explain why I want to reach out and hold you..howl...cry...shop...but please..don't drive..don't do anything to put yourself in danger when you are in this state of mind...but don't try to understand why...and please..please..stop asking yourself if it is anything you did..or didn't do..or could have stopped from happening.

I hope and pray that her anguish healed where she has gone..and that you and everyone she loves will remember the she who was. If I have said this badly, please understand that I am saying this out of friendship and concern..(hug) my dear friend.
I promise you this, there is hope, and there is a cycle, and I personally have hit the bottom where I think that nothing good can ever happen in my life..that maybe I am being punished for something I did..or didn't do..maybe I don't deserve good things..but it passes..slowly..but it passes..and friends and family do help..and no..Lulu..I don't believe that someone like you deserves anything like this..or any of the other stuff you have gone through..you deserve only good...I hope that whoever it is that is running the show realizes this.

(hug) my TPF friend..I know it doesn't help..and there is no bandaid I can put on this hurt..

[jennirane]

Oh Lulu, I'm so very sorry you're going through this, and am thinking about all her friends and family as well. Take care of yourself and you husband... listen to Gingey about the guilt. It sounds like you did everything you can when she was struggling with PPD (I helped a girlfriend through that and know how confusing and heartbreaking it is for friends and family). Hugs. Be kind to yourself. It also sounds like you've been through this before so you have the strength and you know what you need to do to get through it. And the tattoo is lovely.

[Monkeyfish]

LuLu, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your friend's husband and son will get through this only with the love and long-term support of dear friends like you and your husband. Grieve now, and be strong for them when they need it. *hugs*

[lulu3955]

Thank everyone for your continued support. This is why I love HH Hotties! So understanding, caring, loving

Originally Posted by gingeybear

My heart breaks for her because she could not see that thre is hope..that this would pass..and slowly, life would regain its balance..not all good..but not what she was struggling with...post partum depression is a horror..an absolute horror..and sometimes no matter how much help..how much intervention..how much medication..how closely we watch..how much we want to take away the pain..if we only know that there is pain..and how unfathomable the pain is..and the shock of the loss of someone we know and love..someone we never believed could do this...it is unbearable. it wasn't her..it wasn't anyone..there is no explanation that would make this any better.

I guess this hurts the most because even tho I read all the books about PPD. I still don't really understand it. or better yet I don't understand Why it happened to her? She was so happy up until the day she gave birth and then everything changed. Calling Laurent "it", "the child" letting him cry without giving a rats tail. As you said gingey She wasn't herself. I'm trying not to feel guilty about it all. I know I couldnt have done anything more than what I did but somehow when I get sad about this guilt like to sneak up on me and Boil to the surface. Last night my DH talked to me about all this and I told him about the feeling of selfishness and he said... "You have to be, worry about you. You are here on this earth. and most of all Stay Sober keep your sobriety cuz it won't help matters at all if you fall into your own destructive spiral. You can do it. Your a strong woman" That really calmed me down to hear him say that. and it was really a comfort to hear him talk about my sobriety even tho I didn't mention anything out loud about maybe having those nasty thoughts.

Originally Posted by jennirane

. It sounds like you did everything you can when she was struggling with PPD (I helped a girlfriend through that and know how confusing and heartbreaking it is for friends and family). It also sounds like you've been through this before so you have the strength and you know what you need to do to get through it. And the tattoo is lovely.

How did she get over PPD? I have been thru Suicide stuff before. My roommate in college and my uncle. They both had severe depression. I think that the tat is a great way to honor her cuz she told me that I should have been a tattoo artist. Ah, if only I could deal with a 10 years no income apprenticeship.

[kate83675]

lulu, there are no words to say how sorry I am for all of you in this. Please don't beat yourself up, everything gingey said is true. You did all you could, you can't be responsible for anyone but yourself unfortunately and that's so hard to accept sometimes. I am so sorry.

[jennirane]

Lulu, you described it exactly. It's incomprehensible how fast and drastic the change is. My friend was so thrilled to be pregnant (she had married late, was in her mid-thirties, had finished her Ph.D. and was teaching but ready to leave it all to stay at home) and then it just all changed. She didn't want anything to do with Ian, begged us not to leave her alone with him. We did what you did--set up a rotating schedule. At first she tried to pump, because she didn't want to breastfeed him, but she didn't really want to. And then she broke out in some kind of rash or hives all over. That was the breaking point, I think... she went on steroids for the rash and I think (if I'm remembering it properly) some kind of therapy for the PPD... it was early in the SSRI development, so maybe some Prozac or something. But it was bad. We weren't worried so much that she would hurt herself--perhaps we should have been--as we were that she'd hurt her son. My memories are that it just took so long, and that even though I had experience (family) with mental illness, it was so hard on everyone.

Your DH is absolutely right that you have to be selfish, and you obviously are a strong woman. Be strong for yourself now, so you can be there for her husband when he gets home, and share your friend with her son later when he's older.

[dreamofpompidou]

This thread is so sad....how horrible...I really have nothing helpful to say but I am so sad for you Lulu and for your friend and her DH and baby...:( You take care of yourself lulu....huge hugs

[mishka]

Dentist update.

I went to the dentist again this morning. I have an embarrassing amount of work to have done, but please don't make fun of me or judge me (I know my HHHotties wouldn't). For those of you that missed the first installment of this story, I got assaulted years ago and since then have a dentist phobia.

I still haven't sorted out the wisdom teeth but I had my last two quads of planing and scaling today and they cleaned my little wisdom tooth that is poking out a little and now it hurts like crazy! My whole mouth hurts from the shots etc, but when they did the other two quads it went away fast. This hurts really bad by my wisdom tooth. So sad! But she did say that my wisdom tooth is really little and that she didn't think it would be a terrible experience to have it removed at all. I had a hard time getting a quick appointment to take care of it, but I wonder if they could help me quicker now that my entire head is throbbing?

xoxo
mishka

[mishka]

P.S. They gave me some shots and did the lower part then she said she'd give me some more shots and have me go for a little walk and go to the bathroom before she did the top part. After the shots, I got up and walked around and I thought I was having a complete meltdown panic attack. When I got back to the chair, I thought I was totally freaking out, but I didn't say anything (I get really quiet when I get anxiety and seem much calmer than normal). Then she said, by the way, the shots had a bunch of epinephrine in them and you might feel jumpy and panicky or edgy or shifty etc, from it. Because it is liquid adrenaline! No wonder. Anyways, it was a very weird experience and I will be glad when this is all over and I can just get cleanings which I'm sure will seem like a trip to Santa claus and not the dentist after all of this!

[chodessa]

Yay MISHKA!!
You made it through!
Was it as bad as you had imagined?
Sounds like you did a GREAT job pushing through that hard experience..