I've concluded, I don't like people buying me gifts!

[berryblondeboys]

My birthday was on Monday. DH didn't get me anything, like always (and like we have decided on). We'll go out to dinner and have a date to enjoy... that's enough, but my MIL bought me some jewelry. It's a nice piece, but one I would never buy for myself...

The things that annoy me with gifts, is that most people don't LISTEN to what you like or dislike or want or don't want. My best friend and my MIL (and dh used to be) TERRIBLE gift givers. And, if you can't GUESS what someone wants, ASK...otherwise you are wasting your money, making me feel obligated to use it and adding clutter to my life. I just hate being wasteful or seeing OTHER people being wasteful. I know it's that they thought that counts, but does it count if they make it TOTALLY obvious that they don't "get" you by getting you continually WRONG gifts?

Point - I NEVER, EVER wear necklaces or bracelets. I wear earrings and pins IF I ever wear jewelry. So, why did my mil buy me a pendant necklace? I also never wear silver because I don't look good in it, so why did she get it in silver?

It's always like that. I would just rather not get gifts than pretend I like something someone got for me. Now I'm obligated to wear a necklace and even obligated to buy a longer chain as the one she got for it is too short for my chubby neck. So now that gift is costing me money.

I would much rather her just give me a card, bake me a cake and wish me a nice day... instead I got a gift that's not me, made my own birthday dinner and didn't have cake because I refuse to make my own (and I'm a cake decorator/baker!)

I guess I'm feeling grumpy and not looking forward to Christmas gifts... at least I know DH won't waste... I bought my gift already in those stockings! LOL

 

[fatefullotus]

Awwww Berry! It's terrible, that obligation to pretend to like something, or use something simply because someone bought it for you.

I'm not Christian and have therefore made the choice to not celebrate the holiday. My friends were told about a decade ago that XMas gifts will not be exchanged from or to me, so by now, most know the routine. But every time I have to explain that 1) I'm not Christian and 2) even if I were, I probably wouldn't partake of the over-the-top gift exchange that everyone feels obligated to partake in people look at me as if I told them I shot JFK -- looks of horror and incomprehension. Lots of, "Christmas isn't for Christians, it's for everyone!" sort of comments. UGH.

Ditto for my Bday. Culturally, BDay presents are not exchanged. Rather, we all gather for a meal to memorialize another year past and look forward to the one about to come. I think, like XMas, the tradition of gift giving has taken on a mania all its own and obscured the REASON for the celebration in the first place. And that's precisely why some gifts reflect that -- it's giving because you HAVE TO.

I don't want for anything, and most of us can say the same. I don't need an arbitrary date on the calendar to give something or receive something from anyone. Usually, when I see something that I think a friend would like, I purchase it and give it to them, on whatever day. They do the same for me. There's so much more sincerity in that sometime than the expected, obligatory gifts during the designated gift-giving days.

I'm afraid, Berry, that you'll have to wear and learn to love that necklace. But perhaps DH will do you a favor and hint to your MIL that you don't exchange gifts and would prefer a donation to charity in your name instead, for future reference, so as not to offend MIL?

And happy belated BDAY!!!!!!

 

[biggestbaglover]

Wow! I'm not really sure how to respond to this. Can't you just be thankful for the fact that your MIL remembered your birthday, put in the effort to choose a gift for you and spent her money to buy it. You said yourself that it is a nice piece. I'm sure that she chose it in the hopes that you would like it and be happy to wear it. I'm sure that she didn't SET OUT to buy you a gift with the intent to make you miserable....and if she knew that you would have this kind of reaction, I'm sure that she would have rather saved her money than spend it on a gift. I have received many gifts that I would not have "bought for myself" however I have always been grateful that the gift giver thought of me in the first place and spent the time and money to try and make me happy. I do not know when it became acceptable of our society to expect people to give us things that we want and to get upset when we receive things we don't like, but I don't agree with this mentality. I have seen numerous posts of people complaining that they don't like gifts that they have been given. They are GIFTS!!! Whatever happened to the old adage, "It's the thought that counts"?

 

[razorbackbelle0]

I thought I was the only one whose SO and self didn't get each other birthday gifts!

 

[berryblondeboys]

Awwww Berry! It's terrible, that obligation to pretend to like something, or use something simply because someone bought it for you.

I'm not Christian and have therefore made the choice to not celebrate the holiday. My friends were told about a decade ago that XMas gifts will not be exchanged from or to me, so by now, most know the routine. But every time I have to explain that 1) I'm not Christian and 2) even if I were, I probably wouldn't partake of the over-the-top gift exchange that everyone feels obligated to partake in people look at me as if I told them I shot JFK -- looks of horror and incomprehension. Lots of, "Christmas isn't for Christians, it's for everyone!" sort of comments. UGH.

Ditto for my Bday. Culturally, BDay presents are not exchanged. Rather, we all gather for a meal to memorialize another year past and look forward to the one about to come. I think, like XMas, the tradition of gift giving has taken on a mania all its own and obscured the REASON for the celebration in the first place. And that's precisely why some gifts reflect that -- it's giving because you HAVE TO.

I don't want for anything, and most of us can say the same. I don't need an arbitrary date on the calendar to give something or receive something from anyone. Usually, when I see something that I think a friend would like, I purchase it and give it to them, on whatever day. They do the same for me. There's so much more sincerity in that sometime than the expected, obligatory gifts during the designated gift-giving days.

I'm afraid, Berry, that you'll have to wear and learn to love that necklace. But perhaps DH will do you a favor and hint to your MIL that you don't exchange gifts and would prefer a donation to charity in your name instead, for future reference, so as not to offend MIL?

And happy belated BDAY!!!!!!

Thanks for getting what I'm trying to say. I'm just not a person who likes to get gifts because it's the day to give someone something. I'm like you - if I see something for someone (including my children), I give it to them then. I get for myself (if we can afford it) what I want for myself and don't wait to get it for a gift. My mil feels she NEEDS to give something. One year, when she didn't have money, she bought me maybelline mascara - not the color I wear, not the brand I wear and not even waterproof (like I used to wear)... I remember looking at it like "why did you even BOTHER?" A month later she bought my DH as nice sports jacket (and took him shopping with her to get it) 14 years later and he still wears it...

I am not Christian either (we are aetheists) but I like the holiday season, but since I was a teenager, I was "over" the presents. I liked EVERYTHING else and I'm still the same way.

Fortunately, DH and I are on the same page about that - we rather spend our money on things we like to do - like a nice dinner out and a bottle of wine... so much better than a necklace I don't like. TIME with someone or spent on someone is far more valuable than any monetary gift, IMO.

 

[berryblondeboys]

Wow! I'm not really sure how to respond to this. Can't you just be thankful for the fact that your MIL remembered your birthday, put in the effort to choose a gift for you and spent her money to buy it. You said yourself that it is a nice piece. I'm sure that she chose it in the hopes that you would like it and be happy to wear it. I'm sure that she didn't SET OUT to buy you a gift with the intent to make you miserable....and if she knew that you would have this kind of reaction, I'm sure that she would have rather saved her money than spend it on a gift. I have received many gifts that I would not have "bought for myself" however I have always been grateful that the gift giver thought of me in the first place and spent the time and money to try and make me happy. I do not know when it became acceptable of our society to expect people to give us things that we want and to get upset when we receive things we don't like, but I don't agree with this mentality. I have seen numerous posts of people complaining that they don't like gifts that they have been given. They are GIFTS!!! Whatever happened to the old adage, "It's the thought that counts"?

But it doesn't count to me. I don't WANT THE GIFT and I've told her I don't want gifts. How is it "thinking about me" if it's NOT me at all and not respecting my wishes of no gifts? And what is more valuable? A present that costs $$$ or a well thought out card saying how you care about someone? I would rather get the card and have her save her money for something else. HONESTLY.

I just have a hard time with people saying "they thoought about you" when buying a gift doesn't necessarily take a lot of thought... ANYONE can buy a necklace.... not everyone can write a heartfelt sentiment or would be willing to take their time to bake them a cake.

I guess I'm weird.

 

[merika]

My birthday was on Monday. DH didn't get me anything, like always (and like we have decided on). We'll go out to dinner and have a date to enjoy... that's enough, but my MIL bought me some jewelry. It's a nice piece, but one I would never buy for myself...

That is seriously nice of her. There are very few MILs that would buy their DILs jewelry.

The things that annoy me with gifts, is that most people don't LISTEN to what you like or dislike or want or don't want. My best friend and my MIL (and dh used to be) TERRIBLE gift givers. And, if you can't GUESS what someone wants, ASK...otherwise you are wasting your money, making me feel obligated to use it and adding clutter to my life. I just hate being wasteful or seeing OTHER people being wasteful. I know it's that they thought that counts, but does it count if they make it TOTALLY obvious that they don't "get" you by getting you continually WRONG gifts?

Point - I NEVER, EVER wear necklaces or bracelets. I wear earrings and pins IF I ever wear jewelry. So, why did my mil buy me a pendant necklace? I also never wear silver because I don't look good in it, so why did she get it in silver?

It's not necessary for people to 'get' you. It may be that your MIL saw it and thought "Oh, she'd look nice wearing it". For me, sometimes it's taken unexpected gifts for me to figure out that something might look good on me - and other peoples' perspective has made me change my style sometimes

It's always like that. I would just rather not get gifts than pretend I like something someone got for me. Now I'm obligated to wear a necklace and even obligated to buy a longer chain as the one she got for it is too short for my chubby neck. So now that gift is costing me money.

I might sound brutal, but don't wear it then.

I would much rather her just give me a card, bake me a cake and wish me a nice day... instead I got a gift that's not me, made my own birthday dinner and didn't have cake because I refuse to make my own (and I'm a cake decorator/baker!)

I guess I'm feeling grumpy and not looking forward to Christmas gifts... at least I know DH won't waste... I bought my gift already in those stockings! LOL

If you honestly don't like things she gives you, tell her what you would like beforehand.

And even if she cooked you your birthday dinner and baked you a cake who knows if you would not have liked the things on the menu or the cake she baked wasn't good enough?

 

[biggestbaglover]

But it doesn't count to me. I don't WANT THE GIFT and I've told her I don't want gifts. How is it "thinking about me" if it's NOT me at all and not respecting my wishes of no gifts? And what is more valuable? A present that costs $$$ or a well thought out card saying how you care about someone? I would rather get the card and have her save her money for something else. HONESTLY.

I just have a hard time with people saying "they thoought about you" when buying a gift doesn't necessarily take a lot of thought... ANYONE can buy a necklace.... not everyone can write a heartfelt sentiment or would be willing to take their time to bake them a cake.

I guess I'm weird.

Unfortunately, many people say that they don't want gifts when deep down, they really do or would be upset if they didn't receive anything. Your MIL probably feels uncomfortable not buying you anything because she is unsure if you really mean it when you say you don't want anything. For example, if she is used to buying presents for everyone for their birthdays....her husband, son, grandkids etc....and then your birthday rolls around and she heeds your advice and buys you nothing.....she probably fears that you will resent that and question her motive. She might see it as being disrespectful to you to buy gifts for everyone else but not for you. Try to see it from her perspective.

 

[fatefullotus]

I am not Christian either (we are aetheists) but I like the holiday season, but since I was a teenager, I was "over" the presents. I liked EVERYTHING else and I'm still the same way.

I'm an atheist, though I subscribe to Buddhist philosophy; BF's agnostic. Neither one of us is really "over" the "Christmas" tradition yet. ush: We love visiting the trees all over the city, we love the tradition of spending time with friends and family, big roasted poultry and all (cuz although we want to say that it's not a "Christmas" thing, it usually is one of the few times that so many of our loved ones are not working and can get together and let's face it, we like making a fuss over everyone :shame.

BF's THIS close to convincing me we need a tree in our home for the Winter Solstice next year, but I can't bear the thought of cutting down a gorgeous evergreen to decorate and then throw out. :s

 

[biggestbaglover]

One year, when she didn't have money, she bought me maybelline mascara - not the color I wear, not the brand I wear and not even waterproof (like I used to wear)... I remember looking at it like "why did you even BOTHER?" A month later she bought my DH as nice sports jacket (and took him shopping with her to get it) 14 years later and he still wears it...

I don't mean to challenge you in any way but I must tell you that this statement, at least to me, indicates that the problem is not that you don't want ANY gifts and that she is neglecting that but rather that you do not like the gifts that she is getting you. If not, then I don't understand why you would mention that she bought you a mascara but bought your husband a sports jacket a month later that he still wears. It seems as though you are displeased with her choices in the gifts that she gives you.

 

[merika]

Unfortunately, many people say that they don't want gifts when deep down, they really do or would be upset if they didn't receive anything. Your MIL probably feels uncomfortable not buying you anything because she is unsure if you really mean it when you say you don't want anything. For example, if she is used to buying presents for everyone for their birthdays....her husband, son, grandkids etc....and then your birthday rolls around and she heeds your advice and buys you nothing.....she probably fears that you will resent that and question her motive. She might see it as being disrespectful to you to buy gifts for everyone else but not for you. Try to see it from her perspective.

 

[berryblondeboys]

That is seriously nice of her. There are very few MILs that would buy their DILs jewelry.



It's not necessary for people to 'get' you. It may be that your MIL saw it and thought "Oh, she'd look nice wearing it". For me, sometimes it's taken unexpected gifts for me to figure out that something might look good on me - and other peoples' perspective has made me change my style sometimes



I might sound brutal, but don't wear it then.



If you honestly don't like things she gives you, tell her what you would like beforehand.

And even if she cooked you your birthday dinner and baked you a cake who knows if you would not have liked the things on the menu or the cake she baked wasn't good enough?

Well, there's some truth to that - if the menu was liver and I hate liver and the cake was walnut and I hate walnuts, I wouldn' t be too happy, but for the SAME REASON - do you listen to what I like and don't like?

Maybe picking on my MIL wasn't a good choice because now everyone will think it's just her, but it's presents in GENERAL on "obligated" days. "Maybe" I would feel differently if in the 16 years of marriage (post college days) I had received a SINGLE gift for my birthday or Christmas that I had asked for, or hinted for I would feel differently, but I just don't like getting presents because someone feels they need to get me something. Especially, when it's prefaced by, "I didn't know what to get you so I got you this". I'm NOT a difficult person to buy for and I'll say what I like and don't... that's not it.

I actually like the pendant necklace my MIL gave me and I will wear it (with a longer chain_ and I know in HER mind she thought about it and thought it through... but it shows how little she pays attention. When I've said STRAIGHT OUT that I like certain things or don't like certain things. I've told her I don't like necklaces. I've told her NOT to get me a gift for my birthday, but if she could buy a cake or make one so I didn't have to do it."

It makes me realize I think, how little people pay attention, yet I "DO" pay attention. I 'll remember from ALLLLLL year or longer that someone said they liked a certain CD, or a certain blanket and I'll get it for them. When people get gifts from me, they'll say, "Where did you find this, I've been looking for it forever!" or "How did you know I wanted that"... because I pay attention and TRULY think about what I give people - ALWAYS. When someone gives a gift, like the necklace, or the religious angel ornaments from my Best friend (when she knows i'm an aetheist), it shows that they don't get me... of course, I'm grateful that they thought of me, but I don't think they "REALLY" thought of me... just thought of "oh it's her bday, I need to get her something" versus, I want to get her this....

does that make sense?

 

[berryblondeboys]

I don't mean to challenge you in any way but I must tell you that this statement, at least to me, indicates that the problem is not that you don't want ANY gifts and that she is neglecting that but rather that you do not like the gifts that she is getting you. If not, then I don't understand why you would mention that she bought you a mascara but bought your husband a sports jacket a month later that he still wears. It seems as though you are displeased with her choices in the gifts that she gives you.

Well, I've told her I don't want gifts because she can't seem to find me appropriate gifts, but she'll take the time and effort to get her son an appropriate gift. that's why I mentioned it. i would LOVE IT if as a surprise someone would ever give me one of the things I've mentioned over the years I would like to have, but that hasn't happened. My husband said he would like a new sports coat - so she went with him to get him one.

Now, MOST of the time her presents to him are pretty lousy too and now that I think about it, he gets annoyed too that she's throwing around money on things that he'll never use and he has said "don't buy me such things without asking me about it before" and she has learned with DH not to just buy things for him.... not so with me it seems.

 

[merika]

It makes me realize I think, how little people pay attention, yet I "DO" pay attention. I 'll remember from ALLLLLL year or longer that someone said they liked a certain CD, or a certain blanket and I'll get it for them. When people get gifts from me, they'll say, "Where did you find this, I've been looking for it forever!" or "How did you know I wanted that"... because I pay attention and TRULY think about what I give people - ALWAYS. When someone gives a gift, like the necklace, or the religious angel ornaments from my Best friend (when she knows i'm an aetheist), it shows that they don't get me... of course, I'm grateful that they thought of me, but I don't think they "REALLY" thought of me... just thought of "oh it's her bday, I need to get her something" versus, I want to get her this....

does that make sense?

This is true. Some people just plain DON'T pay attention, and then grab the first thing they see which THEY think would make a suitable gift.

This is actually true for about 95% of the population, LOL. That's why giftwrapped chocolates exist.

 

[vanojr9]

You know, I want to say something self-righteous about how you need to respect the presents given to you, blah blah, but I frankly know how you feel. I come from a huge family (seriously, I've got any of y'all beat on sheer volume of family), and as a result, for Christmas each year, I receive mountains of stuff. I'm so overwhelmed by it that it's a little dismaying, because really, there's maybe three or four things each year I actually want. The rest of it ends up being returned, or worse, just cast off. The peace I've had to come to is that even though I may not enjoy actually getting a lot of this stuff, someone else did enjoy getting it for me (or making it for me) and giving it to me. And even though the financial ramifications of being related to half my state do stress me out around the holidays, I genuinely enjoy picking out presents for other people, and sometimes I am way off base with them! With your MIL, you might suggest one last time that maybe she make a donation to a charity in your name for the holidays, or forego presents entirely, but if she doesn't listen, just accept that she enjoys picking something out for you each year. If I can graciously accept three quesadilla makers in one Christmas, you can graciously accept a necklace you're not so fond of