I give up on finding love.

Darwin

Darwin

Member
Aug 19, 2006
677
0
#1
It's one horrible relationship after another. One broken heart after another. Two with bipolar, one of which also heard voices with ADD and who knows what other personality disorders. I thought that was painful. I knew he wasn't good for me, yet I stuck with it for way too long. In retrospect it should have made it easier. Somehow I ended up (legally) drugged just to deal with every day life with him.

Then I met somebody that embodied everything I wanted in a man. Or so I thought. He treated me well, I enjoyed every second I spent with him. Honestly, things were perfect when we were physically together. Never had a real fight. Then came the weekends. He'd tell me he's busy, not really telling me with what, besides seeing his friends. Then he'd fall off the face of the earth. For 3 days. Come Monday, everything was fine and dandy again.

I wasn't asking him to drop his social life for me. I just don't understand why I wasn't invited along, or why he couldn't just freaking pick up the phone to say hi, or goodnight or whatever. I mean, I spent 5 or 6 days a week with him, why would I expect him to forget my existence on the weekends?
And when I confronted him with how he acts on the weekends, he just says he "doesn't know what he wants." Nothing more. Doesn't say in regards to what... doesn't say that something about ME bothers him. He flips from he's "scared of losing himself" to he guesses he might be afraid of another serious relationship, to he's scared of falling for me when I'm not completely sure of who I am yet. (Of course when I say that I don't know who I am yet, I mean my place in the world, as I still have a crap job and live with my parents....)

How does one go from telling me he loves me Monday through Friday, and then not know what he wants Saturday and Sunday when absolutely nothing has happened between us. I don't think that I'm out of line by asking him to just call me? (Yes, I've tried calling him, but I try not to as I don't want to be chasing him, but even when I do, he doesn't answer.)
All his friends are married besides him and his roommate. He says he wants a family, but how the hell does he think that's going to work when he disappears without a trace for days?

It just makes me sad that for once, I broke down my barriers for somebody, and return I get... nothing. I am very reserved and hold back generally... I don't like to let people in. I let him in, though, and he's just not ready to really let me in.

It sucks. I want somebody to tell me I'm the greatest girlfriend, or that I make him the happiest he's ever been, or something... He just won't say things like that to me. He says that his body just won't let him say them. Um. okay.

I'm just so sad. I mistakenly made him my world. I included him in everything that I did, but it just doesn't go both ways. I guess it's because I didn't have much of a social life before him, as I was involved in my website job. My friends are are involved in their own lives, so it's not that I have my own things to do really. But I understand that he needs his friends and whatnot... I never asked him to pick me over them. Just to call me? Why does that spark an "I don't know what I want" conversation?

I suppose it's a commitment thing, part that he's used to being highly dependent, and not used to have somebody relying on him... who knows. He sure doesn't seem to know.

I hate myself for not being more easygoing to the point that this weekend bs wouldn't bother me. I just can't brush off things like that. If feels so crappy knowing that I'm just not a priority for him. I just don't understand anything in life. I almost wish he would have done something horrible to me so I could have a reason to be mad. Never in my life have I met anybody, male or female, that I've gotten along with so well. We have the same stupid sense of humor that NOBODY gets, think the same stupid things at the same time. Obviously there's more, but this is long enough. I honestly thought he might just be the one.

I finally emailed him after he didn't answer his phone last night telling him that I was moving on with my life, and if at some point he decides what he wants he is more than welcome to join me. I don't know what else I could do. He clearly wants space, so I need to give it. It just hurts so so so badly. He took me to LA last week where I had the best week of my life, and he claimed the same. Now here I sit, alone in my room, crying my stupid eyes out and I don't even know what the problem is. It's foolish to actually believe that he'll decide that I'm what he wants and things will work out. After so many tries with other people, I don't really think that many people are truly capable of changing.

Is this even a changing thing, or a settling down thing? I don't know. (We're 25, and it's been 6 months. Not very long, yes, I know. But enough for me to have fallen head over freaking heels for him.)

:crybaby:
 
#2
This is a hard one, and let's face it, he probably doesn't even know what's going on...let alone us guessing at it....but my guess would be he does deeply care about you...and it probably scares the beejezus out of him.

Hugs and hang in there. If it is meant to be, it will happen. Give him space and he may find he doesn't need it.

When I was 24, I was dating my DH...I already had been married, divorced and had a young son (whole other story)...anyway he was going through similar issues....when I backed away (admittedly my DS sake, more than my own), it was then DH realized he was ready to change his lifestyle and asked me to marry him, that was 16 years ago.

Hang in there :smile:
 
#3
25 is young. You have so much ahead of you. Pick your head up and hold it high. Smile, and know that you gave all that you have. Don't give him an option of coming back to you when he feels like it. Shut the door on the relationship and move forward. You will meet the person that is meant for you sometime down the road. You need time to heal from this guy. Once you are able to absorb who you are, what you want from life, & can love you for you, that special someone will come into your life. I always heard that you can't go looking for love. Love happens when you least expect it.
 
#4
Awww. Hang in there. Just give it some time and maybe he will come around and see your point of view and then do something about it. I can hear your sadness through your post and so hope that things work out the way you would like them to. :yes:
 
#5
Darwin, hang in there! This guy doesn't deserve you even if you do click with him. Good for you, for telling him you are moving on with your life!!! You are young and have so much ahead of you. And realizing that you are giving up on finding love is a good thing because THAT is when you find it or it finds you.

Move on. It sounds like you provide some sort of safe place where he can get EVERYTHING without giving back...that's too comfy for him, but a bad deal for you. Nope. Relationships should be good for both individuals, not just one. You will find a man that has no doubts and doesn't holds back in loving you. You'll see.

Just get this selfish guy out of the way so you can let a good guy come into your life.
 
#6
I'm gonna have to be blunt here as a voice of someone who HAS been there.

I've been in this situation a whopping TWICE in my life with a dude who goes MIA on weekends but is the most amazing guy ever Monday thru Friday.
BOTH were cheating.
One was cheating ON me and it turns out the other was cheating WITH me (and on me, I guess? lol... since he'd proclaimed we were "an item").
Hmm. How funny.

And I would have never guessed. I'm not the suspicious type. I usually operate in the "I dont want to know. Ignorance is bliss" mode.

Seriously. This dude you're describing is moving on with his life on the weekend without you. Sounds like he's playing the field or out with friends or whatever, either of which should allow for time to get in touch with you. Seems like he's leading a double life...
He's young but he really should be more mature by 25.

I personally wouldn't date a guy under 28 EVER again if someone gave me a million dollars to!
Been there, done that, they're not worth the baby-sitting.

I think you did perfect by sending the email. Ball is in his court.
Sounds like you are really struggling with it emotionally, as is understandable, but just keep remembering that you did the right thing!!

There would be nothing worse in life than ending up married to a man whose "body won't let him" tell you how he truly feels about you.
You need a man who treats you like a princess and tells you that you are his world EVERYDAY!! Many times a day. Because if he was "the one", that's how he would feel.

Love comes, but only when you're truly ready and love yourself.

Maybe you're on to something with needing to find your place in the world first.
I had to become completely independent and happy with myself before I could truly let myself be with someone whole-heartedly and recognize a good man when I found one.

You are in my thoughts! I can't wait to hear updates!
 
#7
Oh, Darwin, 25 is way too young to give up!

You have to go through a lot of wrong ones before you get that Right One, and some of the wrong ones are going to make for some very thrilling When I Was Young tales one day, and possibly provide you with all you need to write that blockbuster Lifetime Movie script. Maybe several.

I was almost 40 when I met Mr Puff, and I promise you it is worth the wait!
 
#8
Darwin,

i can only say i know how u feel having just gone through relationship horror recently myself. i didn't see so many things i should have seen and i thought he was a good guy... i was dumb and i spent too many precious years in my youth with this guy.

and you know what? as much as this hurts, u did the right thing. build ur own life, better that than to continue being with him and looking back later realizing that u spent years with someone who wasn't worth it. and i'll tell you blatently that this guy is not worth it right now in the state he's in.

he needs to sort things out for himself and grow up. disappearing is NOT ok! his body just doesn't let him say it is BS!!

it hurts and all i can say is try to build ur own life and in time the hurt will lessen. I"m dealing with it too, i know.

learn to love your life and yourself.... that is way more important than any guy telling you you are the best girlfriend ....

I wish i could say i believed what Shimapuff said but right now in the middle of it all ,it's hard to say the wasted time and relationship is going to make for thrilling stories.


*HUGS* hang in there darwin.... :heart:
 
#10
bubbleliciousis said:
I wish i could say i believed what Shimapuff said but right now in the middle of it all ,it's hard to say the wasted time and relationship is going to make for thrilling stories.
Click to expand...

You are so close to it now, that this won't make sense, but as soon as you can, try to move away from that wasted time thing.

Long before I met Mr Puff, I went through something like five? six? years of my very own Mr Big who made Carrie's version look like a lame wannabe.

And for a long time after I finally extricated myself, I referred to that time as "the lost years."

I was wrong. As were many of the choices I made during those years, the most obvious one being failing to extricate myself after about date three.

But the time was not wasted. I lived during that time, I learned, and with him and without him, I saw the movies, operas, etc that I saw, I went places, learned things, met people and had interesting conversations, in some cases made friends that outlasted the Bad Boyfriend.

And above all, I learned what love is not, and this helped me to recognize it, welcome and celebrate its arrival and nurture and cultivate it when it did come.

So while of course I regret the painful aspect of the Quintessential Bad Boyfriend, the experience became part of who I am, and who knows? Without him, and all his fellow wrong ones, when the Right One arrived, I might not have been ready!
 
#11
mlowran said:
I'm gonna have to be blunt here as a voice of someone who HAS been there.

I've been in this situation a whopping TWICE in my life with a dude who goes MIA on weekends but is the most amazing guy ever Monday thru Friday.
BOTH were cheating.
One was cheating ON me and it turns out the other was cheating WITH me (and on me, I guess? lol... since he'd proclaimed we were "an item").
Hmm. How funny.
Click to expand...
Erm, might not be the most reassuring thing to said, but I gotta agree with this. When I was reading the story about how he's totally not available during weekends, I can't help thinking, "Are you sure this guy is not married?" He sounded like he needed time for his family during weekends since during weekdays, he can always said he's busy at work. :shrugs: But since he's only 25, ok, he might not be married but maybe another gf?

Maybe I'm the suspicious type, I hope I'm wrong... Hope things will turn out fine for you in the end. *hugs*
 
#12
I hate men.....well not all of them.
There are good men and there are toxic men. A lot of the young guys are the way you describe. I´ve been there, done it and bought the tshirt as we say. I think it takes some of them time to mature, or time for us to realize they never will !!
I had this exact bs of 1 day "I care for you blabla" and the next day "I don´t know what I want" when I was a student, 3 guys.... and you know what ???
6 to 10 years later them 3 are still all single ! I think that says a lot IMO !!
Very good looking guys and smart etc...just too twisted in their minds. So I´d say respect yourself girl you deserve much better, it happened to a lot of us until we meet someone or many great. Don´t wait for him, chances are he´ll still be the same in 5 years. I know it must be hard to see right now, I was also devastated for a long time espc. bc my guys kept on going chasing me, sure he probably likes you a lot, but just not the right way....hang in there.

And also I don´t believe in the ending of SATC, in real life Carrie would have found someone else great to marry bc Mr Big would have never changed and be very sad....
 
#13
The thing I notice about girls in your situation (not saying this IS you) is that they want to be in love so much, they tend to overlook warning signs. Did this guy not go MIA on the weekends from the get go? Was he not secretive early on? I'm thinking he was. If he wasn't and now his habits are changing, then he's either cheating or losing interest. Either way, it all needs to be addressed early on. In this case, I think you did the right thing. If he wants to be with you, he should step up. If not, move on.

As far as giving up....lift that chin up! If dating was easy, everyone would have a mate. No one would be single. It's hard cause not everyone will be compatible on that level. It's about fishing through the muck and finding the diamond in the rough...or some other colloquialism that might fit. If this guy craps out on you, start making your life about you. You should have a complete life on your own. If someone comes along, they should complement your life, not complete it.

Go out there and have some fun.
 
#14
mellecyn said:
I hate men.....well not all of them....And also I don´t believe in the ending of SATC, in real life Carrie would have found someone else great to marry bc Mr Big would have never changed and be very sad....
Click to expand...
Well, I don't know if we can be sure that Carrie's Mr Big did really change.

He said some nice things to her and it ended with him wanting to go into her apartment. Or his, I forget which of them still had one.

Given his previous behavior, we can just as reasonably assume that he got up the next morning and became just as "emotionally inaccessible" as he had become on so many other occasions.

We would need several more seasons of consistent different behavior from him in order to consider that he had "changed."

Just as the real life Mr Bigs and assorted Bad Boyfriends can, and regularly do, some version of the SATC finale, and then in a few days, or weeks, resume their usual Big Badness. That is how they manage to keep relationships going - if they were always and consistently and unrepentantly Bad, then the only ones of us who would stay with them would be those of us who are just as much or more messed up as they are!

There have been volumes written about these men, analyzing them, dissecting them, and the same fare shows up in women's magazines on a regular basis, and of course the women whose lives they impact spend long hours analyzing them and dissecting them with their friends.

This is, in my opinion, what constitutes wasted time, although I realize that is easy for me to say, from my perspective now, and I acknowledge that the temptation to do so is irresistible. Nor do I intend to be dismissing them as unworthy of analysis, on the contrary, they are human beings, and like any other human being living with some form of dysfunction, they deserve all the help they can get to resolve their issues and join the world of the functional. But this help and analysis is the responsibility of their therapists, not us, and unless they, of their own volition, and quite independently of whatever relationship they are in, choose to seek help, it's a moot point anyway.

And in the meantime, we have 25 year old girls wanting to give up on love!

Darwin, one thing that I would suggest, is that if you are getting a string of bad ones, that instead of giving up, that you focus any analysis urges on that.

At the risk of being accused of blaming the victim, I think we have to recognize that it does sometimes happen that when we seem to become serial victims of men with various dysfunctions and Badnesses, what may be happening is that we are somehow, without conscious intent, making un or subconscious beelines for Bad ones.

According to the ologists, this can sometimes be because it is we ourselves who are secretly (and by secretly, I mean keeping it secret even from ourselves) a bit skittish about commitment, and we can thus run the risk of doing the equivalent of the friend we have all had who seems to keep falling in love with men who are married, gay, studying for the priesthood, or otherwise inaccessible in terms of a serious relationship.

We can see it so clearly in our friend - she is scared to death of actually falling in love with someone who loves her, and having that serious and long-term and healthy relationship!

But we don't always make that same connection when we collect a series of Bad Boyfriends!

Nor are we readily able to understand that it is perfectly OK, at 25 or 65, to have doubts, reservations, insecurities, about that serious committed relationship, and as a result, we never get to figuring out why we have those reservations that it is perfectly OK to have!

I guess the short form of what I am saying is to Darwin and to mellecyn - spend the energy on you. Take care of you, and don't let yourself be damaged by the Bad Boyfriends to the point where you just want to give up on the whole thing, which in itself might be something to consider in terms of those reservations mentioned earlier, those reservations that it is perfectly OK to have. And especially when you are 25! :smile:
 
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